Depression is such a bastard. Just when I think it's ****ed off (or minimised to mild-moderate, I should say) it ****ing hits me in the face again. I'm well back into severe depression now. Am doing things that I thought were bad, to get from one minute to the next.
I don't know if this even counts as a distinct 'episode,' because I never technically came out (been mild-mod for a while, and what I think was a mixed episode a month or so ago, didn't see psychiatrist but I fitted the diagnostic criteria for hypomania at the same time as suicidal thoughts). But I guess even if I never came out of depression, this is a new episode of severe depression, and in my experience that's like.. a totally different beast.
I don't want to do anything anymore. I haven't been dressed in days and I don't even care about the fact that I've been wearing the same pyjamas all ****ing week. Managing to eat twice a day but not because I'm hungry. Smoking. Drinking. Doing stuff we can't talk about. It feels like someone sucked all the blood from my head and replaced it with lead. And I'm really struggling to fight the urge to end this before it starts properly, because god I just can't do it. I can't do more months of this. I don't know how.
I'm not at rock bottom. I'm still rational. I can tell I haven't hit the lowest low yet because I can still feel. I'm scared. I'm ****ing angry. I was looking forward to going back to university and giving half a **** about anything, and now I don't anymore. I just wanted one year of appreciating my subject and I just really don't want it to be written off.
Not a risk to myself. Have been guilt tripped enough to not do that. But ****, not again. Just no. Could have seen this coming but still trying to pretend it's not happening. Going to raise one of my ADs and see if it helps at all.