I keep making all these steps for regaining a living life instead of just a clinging to existence survival and I keep failing every time. It's not like I'm trying any massive hard things, it's all just tiny stuff that most people take for granted as part of their day to day business, like actually attending uni or mild socialising.
I'm trying to be all like "yeah you're not succeeding, but you are at least trying because you want to which is miles better than how you were just a few months ago" but I don't know if I really do want to. I sort of want to live but equally I don't think that's possible, and I'm just continuously proving that to myself.
Living with ptsd is so hard. Am swinging wildly between 'ptsd is **** im going to fight it', 'ptsd is ****, don't bother it isn't beatable' and 'im **** of course i will never be ok'. Don't really know what to do. Trying to focus on right now is pretty bad cos right now is still so horrible, but trying to focus on the future is worse because no hope so what am I doing.