Hello, I am a regular poster here, however I would like to keep this anon because of the sensitive nature of the topic, and avoid any hurling of abuse. Not because I intend to offend, rather explain myself, although inevitably this will facilitate some angst among tsr.
This thread revolves around my generic insecurities when it comes to the opposite sex (females) and the sense of hatred I feel towards societal attitudes and my experiences. I am a 23yr old male, I do in fact have a girlfriend, so this isn't a case of I have no experience with a woman, so I am not some naive woman-hater as such. I think from a very early age, I had low self-esteem and confidence, and my issues stemmed from the fact I found girls intimidating. Purely because I found myself unattractive to the opposite sex, I was never really 'one of the lads'. I never had much of the validation that loads of other blokes have had growing up (throughout secondary school/college, generically), whereby woman would fawn over men, or chatter about how good-looking they were.
Now, I realise people will just be shouting out 'Jealous!', when in fact, I understand this is so. Of course I am and was jealous of all the boys/men that got this attention.
Because from my perspective they got the attention and I didn't, and of course intrinsically this bothered me, thus I assumed there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
Sure, I am actually disabled (seriously), and so this colored my view (and made me more bitter), as I thought that all the reasons that these men was attractive was due to all the reasons I wasn't.
Over-time I saw that woman seemed to like the sort of macho/masculinity sort of image, muscles, facial hair, tallness, tanned complexion. All the things I was/am not. All of these features seemed far from what I was, and so I felt/feel that they are unattainable. Even if they were possible, I often thought, why bother changing myself to look attractive in the eyes of a women, why shouldn't I be loved just as I am??
Then my mind plays over society, and the materialistic nature of the world, superficiality. Then I start to feel on a low ebb, as my confidence is generally rock bottom. But the fact that genetically I was bestowed with less than average genes, thus not particularly 'amazing'. I guess what I am saying is, I guess I am average, in the sense I just blend in. But there again, most average blokes have something about them, muscle, build, nice complexion or whatever, (something which marks their attractiveness), whereas I have nothing that is particularly appealing. Yeah sure I have a girlfriend, which to this day I have no idea why she is with me, because she even admitted to me that I was not really her type (she likes the sporty type/athletic), which I suppose is why I am a bit enraged about the whole, woman liking muscle, because I was never muscly, she claims she loves me. But has hinted I get in shape.
I just feel like I want to get in shape, but by same token I feel in doing so I am turning into some 'womanizing' bodybuilding macho man sleaze. I am really really trying to not be contemptious and bitter, but its hard. I have spent a long time being hateful towards this sort of man, and by virtue of me potentially bulking up for my girlfriend makes me feel I am turning into one of these people.
Also, with this, I seem to have this kind of subtle hatred towards woman for their wanting to/or being attracted to muscular/a**hole type men. I understand its a preference, but I just feel this image of muscular, confident/cocky, alpha, tanned/tall, nice eyes, blah blah, is so out of reach with whom I am.
Like I cannot change my facial symmetry, my height (im 5.7ft), and yet people are sometimes selective about this. I feel its unfair, but I guess that's why I'm so bitter about the dating scene. At this point i'm not sure where my conversation was going, but can anyone shed some light on how I can get some form of help.
I don't hate woman as a gender, but just the kind of cut-throat nature of selection. Yeah sure I can be the best I can be. But sometimes this isn't good enough, to some standards, I almost feel disgusted and down-trodden when a woman tells me I need to go to the gym, bulk-up etc. Why should I change who I am and turn into some complete a**hole and change my whole core?