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Tianquan
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#1
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Guys, I am currently doing the WJEC English syllabus and we had to write a descriptive writing about a market . so can you read my work and check it, please!


Red nosed and sanguine cheeked, the sea of people wait impatiently. The Lilliputian manager elbows his way through the crowd, casually making his way to the gate. The swarm of anxious crowd unites in silence as he turns the final click on the double padded lock. The door burst open and the overflowing crowds bustle and jostle, everyone eagerly vying and straining to see the latest offers.

As the people slowly scatter into different areas, enormous parties of business men make their way to the greasy spoon, hoping for a quick slap up breakfast. The aroma of pasties and welsh cake emits from the bakery. It tickles the taste buds of bystanders. As the first customer approaches; behind her, a tickle of people begins to stream. The indulgences are stack perfectly from one shelf to another, blanketing the diamond patterned tissues. Delicately handle by the skinny shop assistant which is clearly enjoying the challenge

Whilst business men pile into the bakery, women make their way to the Fishmongers and butchers, where banners of ‘half price’ and ‘buy one, get one free’ lines across the ceilings. It causes a tailing queue. Patiently waiting, the custumer clench their precious cash in their sweaty palms

As the market fills, the air hung thick and greasy. The distant clinks of coin, passed from one hand to another; the clanking of knives and roar of anticipating customers echoed from one corner to the next.

The cafeteria pulsates with screams and laughter. Infants can be heard crying, teenagers shriek and howl, absorbed in the sheer suffocating torridness from the morning sun, causing beads of sweat trickling down people’s head. The smell of the greasy, fatty burgers and sizzling bacon are overpowering.

The serpent of smoke drifts into the jewelry stall, mystifying the rings into grand jewels, causing women to stare helplessly, their eyes sparkle more than the diamonds embedded in the rings and necklaces. In a distance, a cacophony of noises fill the air, as fishmongers and butchers desperately pleading for attention.

Finally, as the crowds ceases from its peak, Old and young alike stretch tiredly, after a morning worth of shopping laden on their arms.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Also, this is all copyrighted to me so no copying please
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Kovu07
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#2
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(Original post by Tianquan)
Guys, I am currently doing the WJEC English syllabus and we had to write a descriptive writing about a market . so can you read my work and check it, please!


Red nosed and sanguine cheeked, the sea of people wait impatiently. The Lilliputian manager elbows his way through the crowd, casually making his way to the gate. The swarm of anxious crowd unites in silence as he turns the final click on the double padded lock. The door burst open and the overflowing crowds bustle and jostle, everyone eagerly vying and straining to see the latest offers.

As the people slowly scatter into different areas, enormous parties of business men make their way to the greasy spoon, hoping for a quick slap up breakfast. The aroma of pasties and welsh cake emits from the bakery. It tickles the taste buds of bystanders. As the first customer approaches; behind her, a tickle of people begins to stream. The indulgences are stack perfectly from one shelf to another, blanketing the diamond patterned tissues. Delicately handle by the skinny shop assistant which is clearly enjoying the challenge

Whilst business men pile into the bakery, women make their way to the Fishmongers and butchers, where banners of ‘half price’ and ‘buy one, get one free’ lines across the ceilings. It causes a tailing queue. Patiently waiting, the custumer clench their precious cash in their sweaty palms

As the market fills, the air hung thick and greasy. The distant clinks of coin, passed from one hand to another; the clanking of knives and roar of anticipating customers echoed from one corner to the next.

The cafeteria pulsates with screams and laughter. Infants can be heard crying, teenagers shriek and howl, absorbed in the sheer suffocating torridness from the morning sun, causing beads of sweat trickling down people’s head. The smell of the greasy, fatty burgers and sizzling bacon are overpowering.

The serpent of smoke drifts into the jewelry stall, mystifying the rings into grand jewels, causing women to stare helplessly, their eyes sparkle more than the diamonds embedded in the rings and necklaces. In a distance , a cacophony of noises fill the air, as fishmongers and butchers desperately pleading for attention.

Finally, as the crowds ceases from its peak, Old and young alike stretch tiredly, after a morning worth of shopping laden on their arms.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Firstly I think the first section is too repetitive, perhaps find alternative words for crowd/s?

Also the passage has too many tense errors you skip from the present to the past quite a lot, and the work as a whole seems to jump from one topic to another in a very confusing manner. As well as this I think you've over described the scene, for example you really don't need to describe the design of the tissues.

Finally there are several spelling errors and rouge S's at the end of some words, for example line and ceases rather than line and cease
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Tianquan
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Ok, thanks, I will try and adjust it
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Tianquan
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Also, do you know how I could improve it?
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Kovu07
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(Original post by Tianquan)
Also, do you know how I could improve it?
I would say focus on your tenses, as skipping from past to present makes for a confusing read. Also you could try to make your writing less disjointed by expanding on one scene before starting another one.

I hope that helps
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Tianquan
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HI
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Qudz
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I think its a Brilliant descriptive peace of writing, but to improve u should may be add some stylistic features and some punctuation
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JackS94
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#8
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I think there's quite a lot happening, which detracts slightly from the actual description of the piece - I was always taught that descriptive writing should be as much as a description of a snapshot as possible, i.e. as little movement, action and time as possible. Because of this, I'd lose the "finally" in the last paragraph - it makes it seem like a lot's happened, almost as though it's a list.

Other than that though, it's pretty good - especially if it's a first draft


Just realised this was from a year ago :/ oops.
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sxm
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#9
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Spoiler:
Show
tati ka
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sylvia chege
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#10
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#10
That essay is so well written. Keep it up
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MaxTheGOAT
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#11
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#11
thanks mate,you have just completed my essay
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Tolgash
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#12
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(Original post by MaxTheGOAT)
thanks mate,you have just completed my essay
Disgusting. You won't have such assistance in the exam.
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