is it ok?
My girlfriend has recently admitted to going on my phone behind my back without permission and read messages to my best friend (a lad) in which I vented about things happening in the relationship.
She seen me say that because of the lack of trust I felt she had for me that 'I wished I had got with another girl' at Christmas time. The context in which it was said to my bestfriend was to emphasise I had been loyal to her as this girls advances had been pushed away. And due to her lack of trust for me anyways I might as well of since I felt I was being treated the same way whether I had or hadn't.
Secondly she has seen me say that I felt her effort on valentines day wasn't the same as the effort I had made again I worded this in a different way as it was lad to lad.
I have explained that the way I talk with my best friend is so I don't seem weak and that he is the guy I vent to in order to avoid saying I regret to her in the heat of the moment and so this helps me to plan the way I sort things out with her for the good of the relationship.
I have asked if she thinks it would be ok if I went through her phone without her permission. She won't answer that. She is very secretive with her phone if I touch it its immediately taken from me.
I have stated that she has disrespected my privacy and she was wrong to go looking at my messages but she is clinging to the two reasons above to justify her going through my phone.
I am being made out to be the only one in the wrong for what I said tongue in cheek but she is unwilling to admit she was in the wrong to go looking through my phone which I feel she was.
Within every relationship there is someone you turn to for advice right?
Is this an issue as regards her trust?
Should my privacy have been respected?
She seen me say that because of the lack of trust I felt she had for me that 'I wished I had got with another girl' at Christmas time. The context in which it was said to my bestfriend was to emphasise I had been loyal to her as this girls advances had been pushed away. And due to her lack of trust for me anyways I might as well of since I felt I was being treated the same way whether I had or hadn't.
Secondly she has seen me say that I felt her effort on valentines day wasn't the same as the effort I had made again I worded this in a different way as it was lad to lad.
I have explained that the way I talk with my best friend is so I don't seem weak and that he is the guy I vent to in order to avoid saying I regret to her in the heat of the moment and so this helps me to plan the way I sort things out with her for the good of the relationship.
I have asked if she thinks it would be ok if I went through her phone without her permission. She won't answer that. She is very secretive with her phone if I touch it its immediately taken from me.
I have stated that she has disrespected my privacy and she was wrong to go looking at my messages but she is clinging to the two reasons above to justify her going through my phone.
I am being made out to be the only one in the wrong for what I said tongue in cheek but she is unwilling to admit she was in the wrong to go looking through my phone which I feel she was.
Within every relationship there is someone you turn to for advice right?
Is this an issue as regards her trust?
Should my privacy have been respected?
Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I wouldn't be suprised if her compulsion in using your phone to find potentially incriminating information and her secrecy of her own phone are somewhat related.
If someone is looking through your things without prior suggestion to be untrusting then they are actively looking for something to get upset over and will over emphasis insignificance, that is not a sign of a sane mind capable of a healthy relationship.
If someone is looking through your things without prior suggestion to be untrusting then they are actively looking for something to get upset over and will over emphasis insignificance, that is not a sign of a sane mind capable of a healthy relationship.
If she hadn't seen those messages there would be nothing for her to bring up. No messages to other girls or anything like that. If those messages weren't seen and I had caught her there may be a different story but she is clinging to those messages to justify what she done.
I am aware that she still texts her ex or ex's but have never seen the conversations as she hasn't showed me. I have accepted this nonetheless as I trust her.
I explained that my messages to my best friend I was ranting to were meant to be private and if she was meant to see then she would of. I have also said that there could of been some deeply personal stuff said that she couldnt find out about as regards family or my health etc and this is reasoning for it being wrong what she did.
She has also stated that she doesn't rant or vent to anyone about me which is extremely hard to believe.
I am aware that she still texts her ex or ex's but have never seen the conversations as she hasn't showed me. I have accepted this nonetheless as I trust her.
I explained that my messages to my best friend I was ranting to were meant to be private and if she was meant to see then she would of. I have also said that there could of been some deeply personal stuff said that she couldnt find out about as regards family or my health etc and this is reasoning for it being wrong what she did.
She has also stated that she doesn't rant or vent to anyone about me which is extremely hard to believe.
I think she's in the wrong: it's very hypocritical of her to consider it okay to go reading your messages but refuses you to read hers. That's just not on. 
She's definitely in the wrong. I cannot fathom why people wish to go looking through phones and fb messages etc. you will ALWAYS find what you go looking for; it's self-fulfilling.
The fact that she won't return the favour is also worrying, often the guilty party is the accuser.
The fact that she won't return the favour is also worrying, often the guilty party is the accuser.
Original post by Mockery
I wouldn't be suprised if her compulsion in using your phone to find potentially incriminating information and her secrecy of her own phone are somewhat related.
I was going to chip in with something similar - unfortunately this is often the case, OP; that someone misbehaving suspects their partner of doing the same thing, possibly because they have found for themselves that it's easy to do so and go undetected, so assume you have found, and are doing, the same thing. Of course it somewhat begs the question "Why would she care any more what you're doing if she's already cheating?" and I think that can probably be put down to wanting to have her cake and eat it, while you only get to look at the cake.
This doesn't sound good OP - there's very little/no trust on either side and alarm bells are ringing about her phone. I think you should get out now.
She is saying I shouldn't of said things like that to my best friend about her. I have admitted I was wrong to say them but it was important for me to get my point across to which I said those two things in the heat of the moment. My best friend I trust to not tell anyone and so I am confident that the conversation need go no further than me and him.
She fails to get my explanation of 'lads and lads' talk is different to how I would speak to her.
It was a private conversation between me and my friend and everything was sorted with me and her but she has felt the need to go behind my back and into my message to which what I have mentioned is all she has found.
It shows a basic lack of respect for my privacy something she doesn't seem to agree is wrong.
We have had a massive argument as she fails to see she is in the wrong and is expecting me to apologise for what she found out I've said.
What do I do?
She fails to get my explanation of 'lads and lads' talk is different to how I would speak to her.
It was a private conversation between me and my friend and everything was sorted with me and her but she has felt the need to go behind my back and into my message to which what I have mentioned is all she has found.
It shows a basic lack of respect for my privacy something she doesn't seem to agree is wrong.
We have had a massive argument as she fails to see she is in the wrong and is expecting me to apologise for what she found out I've said.
What do I do?
Relationships are often tempestuous, and people need to be able to vent frustrations to friends and colleagues. That's perfectly normal and healthy, and you haven't done anything wrong at all.
If I were you, the fact that she's so guarded about her phone while feeling free to check yours would worry me - and that would make me determined to read it in response, if only to point out the hypocrisy.
Everyone has something on their phone that could be misconstrued.
If I were you, the fact that she's so guarded about her phone while feeling free to check yours would worry me - and that would make me determined to read it in response, if only to point out the hypocrisy.
Everyone has something on their phone that could be misconstrued.
Original post by Ranagazoo
She is saying I shouldn't of said things like that to my best friend about her. I have admitted I was wrong to say them but it was important for me to get my point across to which I said those two things in the heat of the moment. My best friend I trust to not tell anyone and so I am confident that the conversation need go no further than me and him.
She fails to get my explanation of 'lads and lads' talk is different to how I would speak to her.
It was a private conversation between me and my friend and everything was sorted with me and her but she has felt the need to go behind my back and into my message to which what I have mentioned is all she has found.
It shows a basic lack of respect for my privacy something she doesn't seem to agree is wrong.
We have had a massive argument as she fails to see she is in the wrong and is expecting me to apologise for what she found out I've said.
What do I do?
She fails to get my explanation of 'lads and lads' talk is different to how I would speak to her.
It was a private conversation between me and my friend and everything was sorted with me and her but she has felt the need to go behind my back and into my message to which what I have mentioned is all she has found.
It shows a basic lack of respect for my privacy something she doesn't seem to agree is wrong.
We have had a massive argument as she fails to see she is in the wrong and is expecting me to apologise for what she found out I've said.
What do I do?
I would definitely ask to look through hers. Point out the hypocrisy. As above, there may be a reason she is refusing.
Doesn't sound terribly healthy.
Refuse to apologise till you look through hers.
Violating privacy is unacceptable. Violating privacy and then being stupid enough to confront someone with the results is deranged.
I'd break up with her. Ideally by text message though she probably wouldn't get the irony.
I'd break up with her. Ideally by text message though she probably wouldn't get the irony.
Her excuse for snooping is that months ago I passed comment that 'I didn't want her to see my messages to my friend because he is who I vent to and who I confide in'...being honest...is that valid grounds to go snooping for a period of months?
I sent her links I found on the internet about the general opinion of the 'world' as regards snooping in a relationship. She point blank refused to read them and refuses to admit that she is wrong.
I said that she has broke my trust and that is impossible to fix and that her unwillingness to admit to how wrong her snooping was has annoyed me so much. Ultimately I have ended the relationship and now I am looking for reassurance I have done the right thing.
I sent her links I found on the internet about the general opinion of the 'world' as regards snooping in a relationship. She point blank refused to read them and refuses to admit that she is wrong.
I said that she has broke my trust and that is impossible to fix and that her unwillingness to admit to how wrong her snooping was has annoyed me so much. Ultimately I have ended the relationship and now I am looking for reassurance I have done the right thing.
Original post by Ranagazoo
Her excuse for snooping is that months ago I passed comment that 'I didn't want her to see my messages to my friend because he is who I vent to and who I confide in'...being honest...is that valid grounds to go snooping for a period of months?
I sent her links I found on the internet about the general opinion of the 'world' as regards snooping in a relationship. She point blank refused to read them and refuses to admit that she is wrong.
I said that she has broke my trust and that is impossible to fix and that her unwillingness to admit to how wrong her snooping was has annoyed me so much. Ultimately I have ended the relationship and now I am looking for reassurance I have done the right thing.
I sent her links I found on the internet about the general opinion of the 'world' as regards snooping in a relationship. She point blank refused to read them and refuses to admit that she is wrong.
I said that she has broke my trust and that is impossible to fix and that her unwillingness to admit to how wrong her snooping was has annoyed me so much. Ultimately I have ended the relationship and now I am looking for reassurance I have done the right thing.
I think you're good. I'd be more willing to sympathise with her if there was reason, but saying you talk to your friend isn't something to snoop on.
I did dislike that my ex when we argued would go bitch to my best friend, then he would tell me how she agreed with him etc in later arguments or whatever, but that's different anyway.
I think you are justified
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Put a lock on your phone. Or bring like a fake one or something when you're with her that you don't vent to your friends on.
I don't know. Sorry. I have very little experience in love (as in I've had one crush when I was younger and that's it) so I can't answer very well... :P
I don't know. Sorry. I have very little experience in love (as in I've had one crush when I was younger and that's it) so I can't answer very well... :P
Original post by antipathy
Relationships are often tempestuous, and people need to be able to vent frustrations to friends and colleagues. That's perfectly normal and healthy, and you haven't done anything wrong at all.
If I were you, the fact that she's so guarded about her phone while feeling free to check yours would worry me - and that would make me determined to read it in response, if only to point out the hypocrisy.
Everyone has something on their phone that could be misconstrued.
If I were you, the fact that she's so guarded about her phone while feeling free to check yours would worry me - and that would make me determined to read it in response, if only to point out the hypocrisy.
Everyone has something on their phone that could be misconstrued.
Yeah, I agree. I think most people vent to their friends about their relationship and I think most of us say things that we would rather our partner didn't see. Although I think it's silly, I do realise that men often don't want to seem weak in front of their friends and so may say things that may seem mean or uncaring.
Once I looked at my boyfriends texts (he knows this!) and saw some messages that upset me. In reality these messages were inconsiderate but didn't really mean anything, I wish I hadn't seen them and I won't snoop on anyone's things again because people will always say things in a private context that they wouldn't say otherwise, and if you snoop you'll always see something you don't want to see.
The way your girlfriend reacted isn't okay and seems very unreasonable (unless all of this was said in the heat of an argument, in which case I'd suggest waiting for things to calm down and then talking again), and it sounds like there isn't much trust in your relationship.
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