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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Reply 9000

katehlouise

14

Original post by B

Thank you, that's great advice :smile:

was worrying about people saying you have to speak on the phone everyday, since MAs and Mscis would probs be quite demanding on our time. Sounds like you guys have it pretty figured out! Would you say also that it's a good idea to say that you're gonna commit heavily after the time apart? 'Cause me and my boyfriend very much live in the present, and I'm not sure that promising to marry each other after our Masters/Phd is viable (it's not that we're not committed, we very much are. I think we're just wary of being THAT committed when we still need some freedom to go out and achieve stuff for ourselves).

We both very much believe that we'll be together in the future, and getting married, but we're not making any big commitments.
I mean, we'll have been together for 3 years this coming January, but neither of us want to get engaged yet. I think it'll just put too much pressure on, if you know what I mean?
I have full intentions on marrying him, but I understand that things could happen and I just don't know what the future holds for us... So yeah, we're more living in the present I think.

Reply 9001

Care-Free

15

Original post by Anonymous

Sometimes feel its really **** for me that my boyfriend lives 2000 miles away but then there's other people on this thread that seem to cope with only seeing their boyfriends at christmas, easter and the whole summer aswell, and they might live in the uk... but i suppose its really not much different... need to be more positive i think.

to be honest i dont think it matters what the actually distance is, being away from someone you love is really horrible no matter how far it is, but yes, positive thoughts all the way, if you can get through a 2000 mile LDR life cant really throw much more at you both :smile:

Reply 9002

such_a_lady

16

Original post by Care-Free

to be honest i dont think it matters what the actually distance is, being away from someone you love is really horrible no matter how far it is, but yes, positive thoughts all the way, if you can get through a 2000 mile LDR life cant really throw much more at you both :smile:

I understand the sentiment of what you're saying but I would actually say (having been in both an overseas LDR and now about an hour and a half away from my boyfriend) that the distance makes a considerable difference as it influences the frequency and cost of visits, communication depending on Internet (ie no texting, my boyfriend has only just got an iPhone so anything more than email was a stretch, and for the last few months he had no Internet on his phone so he could only email when he was at home) and time zone, as well as things like long term viability of the relationship and effort needed to keep it going. I understand all relationships are tough to some degree, but those who have been in extreme LDRs will know just how much you have to want it :tongue:

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Reply 9003

Care-Free

15

Original post by such_a_lady

I understand the sentiment of what you're saying but I would actually say (having been in both an overseas LDR and now about an hour and a half away from my boyfriend) that the distance makes a considerable difference as it influences the frequency and cost of visits, communication depending on Internet (ie no texting, my boyfriend has only just got an iPhone so anything more than email was a stretch, and for the last few months he had no Internet on his phone so he could only email when he was at home) and time zone, as well as things like long term viability of the relationship and effort needed to keep it going. I understand all relationships are tough to some degree, but those who have been in extreme LDRs will know just how much you have to want it :tongue:

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

those are seriously bad circumstances lol i was more referring to those of us (like me) who are in the same country but are still only seeing each other twice a year...in cases like that the fact that we're not abroad doesnt really make any difference.
I'd hate the timezone thing though, my partner works nights so thats annoying enough :tongue:

Reply 9004

dandaman0808

Guys my LDR broke up because my ex couldn't handle the heartbreak of saying goodbye everytime we left each other and the times between seeing each other as we're both at uni and about 6ish hours apart and yet when home we're like 30 min drive away which is no issue.

When the breakup happened I was gutted as I thought it could work out and sure it hurt leaving her everytime but I always saw it as x days till I see her again but I wanted her to be happy and if it hurt her that bad then I didn't want her to be put through that.

However all I keep reading is that it would've got easier, that it could work and that hurts me all the more...I don't know what to do. Do I truly let it go for her sake or if the subject came up try an tlk her round? Should I just be cool and see what happens over the Christmas break? She might have second thoughts? I hate myself for letting her go so easy even though at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.

FYI we'd been going out almost a year prior to uni which was when things got tough but the breakup was mutual to a point and we're on happy terms just NC on my part to heal

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Reply 9005

Anonymous #487

Hello,

I am in a huge dilemma, you can all rip me to pieces and tell me its my own fault, and I only have myself to blame. Im already quite aware of this, so it won't make any difference, unfortunately I have done what I have done and I can never return to before that.

I met my girl back at college where we had 8 absolutely unforgettable months together, at this point we both had to go to university, unfortunately due to not meeting prior to selecting universities we both wound up in different universities. For some time, we would visit, she would me for a week every month, and this continued through for the first 2 years of our relationship. Then all of a sudden for some reason, I became incredibly busy, and so did she, we (or at least I like to think we, when it was probably all just me) both almost seemed to be forgetting each other, in this time that I wasnt there for her, she had met another guy who was an old friend, my immediate response was jealousy, and I am never one to get jealous, I became so jealous I accused her of cheating. I was so in love with this girl and she was so difficult to understand, I was perhaps very immature at this point, in fact no, I will go with a solid I WAS. It just became worst and worst, naturally she got nervous to even talk about the guy, and I couldn’t understand if there was nothing happening why she would possibly be nervous to talk about him at all, or any meetings that they may have had.
As time went on, problems were on a high, it was difficult to try and hold something together that had now become rocky, when it was difficult to even visit each other, she had bought 2 new puppy huskies, which are a handful, upon which, she took on a full time job to provide, the destruction from the puppies, required more house work, and on top of that she was already expected of alot of house work. Things became difficult. But she stayed adamant that she wanted to stay together. This was hard for me to understand, I understood she was busy, but having been caught up in such an immature environment where, although, Yes, I have to look after myself, I didn’t have to look after anyone else, and to that extent, I didn’t have to provide for anyone else, nor any pets. She had matured rapidly, and I was left behind, wondering why there was no time for me what so ever. I just couldn’t see it, or learn to adapt to it.
Upon starting my third year of university, I was thrown in the deep end at work, surrounded by a group of adults and only adults, it was quite a daunting experience, but talking to my colleagues it was clear that near all of them were married, and had children, they all knew responsibility way more than I. I quickly started to wake up to the fact that I needed to grow the **** up. Unfortunately this was too late. Through

Throughout my life I had always been faithful to the one I was with, and I was very proud of it, I am certainly no way in any shape or form. One of those typical guys. The position I was put in by my girlfriend of 3 years made me believe that she no longer wanted to be with me, it all seemed like a mask, she would tell me she wants to stay together, yet her emotion never seemed to be there, she could lie to my face, and alot of plans we had together, had drastically changed, she never seemed to express enthusiasm towards our ideas, or have any sense of jealousy, I almost wanted her to be jealous (it sounds selfish) just so that I knew she cared about me, but she couldn’t.
During this time of around 6 months, I had started speaking to an online friend, through a friend I know. He went to university around 1 month ago, when he moved into his halls, he met a girl who was very persistent to get involved in our chat, she seemed really friendly and somewhat interesting. After around 2 weeks of chatting, I jested with my friend that we should go and visit both the online friend and his new female friend. I knew neither of them, straight away bags of enthusiasm to meet me was thrown my way, no one had responded quite like that to seeing me in at least a year, so as you can imagine, I was more than intruiged to see what this was about, of course, I had my doubts but I didn’t intend to be anything other than friends.
It had been one month since I had last seen my girlfriend of 3 years, and I told her that I was travelling home for the weekend, she had no urgency to come and see me whatsoever despite being free, so I asked her to come and see me, and she agreed, upon arriving, I had seen her on the way, and I was more than happy to see, I passed her in the car, and arrived early, I found a quaint ice cream stall and proceeded to buy the 2 biggest ice creams that they had to offer, knowing her love for ice cream was above all. When she came down the steps of the pier I expected her to be gleaming with more than smiles, but she did not, she looked awkwardly into my eyes, looked away, pulled at her dogs leads, and stopped, she gave that casual look as if she had seen me but was avoiding the direct and normal contact she would give. So I waited till she got to the bottom of the steps, she did not seem happy at all, she took the ice cream, did not say hi, did not smile, nothing. I could not believe it. There was no urgency to visit me as it was. And now this. On top of the month since I last saw her, and the problems we had been having. I was incredibly confused. I said something I really didn’t mean, I told her that I did not feel the same way anymore, we walked, she looked devastated, and confused, we continued to walk, and we had a huge talk, to sort out problems, for the first time in 6 months this girl had gained her flare back, she looked at me with tears in her eyes, but it was too much for me to handle, I had waited for months for this, and I couldn’t accept it was all back to normal in an instance, I wanted to give her a chance more than anything, I actually went home that night feeling pretty happy we may still have a chance, but then I decided for some unknown reason that I would still visit this other girl that I had never met before.
When I arrived the following day, we just clicked, it was so weird, but at the same time I was uncertain, she was caring, something I had missed for years, but longed for, I don’t know whether this was just down to change. To cut the story a bit shorter, I found myself in her room in the evening, I had no intention of cheating, and I made my situation clear to the girl what was happening, we were both sober, and I knew that I did not want to indulge in that way, I gave her a hug, as she was crying, she was totally into me, I was there, and she was worried I would leave. I told her I didn’t want to cheat, yet she invited me to sleep in the bed rather than the floor. At which point I began to feel it was wrong and I knew, she then persisted to move my hand onto her breasts, and so it began, we did not have intercourse. I immediately felt guilt, the next day I read through a series of worried texts, and could not bare how I would tell my girlfriend, but I would never mess her around, I told her I had to end it that day. A month later

I let her know what had occurred on that night, she was completely understanding, and understood that it was a slip up, and that she hadn’t had time for me, she knew how much I loved her, and how I had spent the last year, basing my life around everything, and how she couldn’t be there.
I find myself today, and for the last 2 weeks, depressed and thinking about her every moment, its driving me insane, a few weeks ago all that was flooding my mind was these petty and immature arguements, now nothing but the good memories are flooding my mind, and they are coming in the millions, I just can’t even explain, I don’t want to hurt 2 girls, yet I never want to lose her, she was and still is my everything. Yes, I should have thought twice, yes I know its my fault, shoot me, Im only human. But I have alot of damned feelings for this girl, and I don’t know how to win her back.

Reply 9006

Anonymous #468

Does anyone else feel like the urge to speak to your other half is greater just after spending the weekend together and they have gone ?

After a while I can get into a routine and begin to get back into the swing of speaking less and getting on with my own life stuff... but it's just the day/days after we have to part ways and having a lovely weekend together that I guess I just feel like.. damn.. I don't want it to end!!!

Reply 9007

victorialou23

Original post by dandaman0808

Guys my LDR broke up because my ex couldn't handle the heartbreak of saying goodbye everytime we left each other and the times between seeing each other as we're both at uni and about 6ish hours apart and yet when home we're like 30 min drive away which is no issue.

When the breakup happened I was gutted as I thought it could work out and sure it hurt leaving her everytime but I always saw it as x days till I see her again but I wanted her to be happy and if it hurt her that bad then I didn't want her to be put through that.

However all I keep reading is that it would've got easier, that it could work and that hurts me all the more...I don't know what to do. Do I truly let it go for her sake or if the subject came up try an tlk her round? Should I just be cool and see what happens over the Christmas break? She might have second thoughts? I hate myself for letting her go so easy even though at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.

FYI we'd been going out almost a year prior to uni which was when things got tough but the breakup was mutual to a point and we're on happy terms just NC on my part to heal

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

That whole good bye thing is horrible and the jump from school to uni is tough on any relationship. First term at university is always hard with so many different things to get used to, if you guys stay on good terms this term and you still feel the same way about her at xmas then there's no harm in seeing what happens and if she wants to get back together. The trick of an LDR is to make a plan of when you see each other, when you're going to skype/talk in the week and sticking too it, the more you are a part of each others routine the easier things get. A routine is always hard to establish in your first term which could be why you have found it very hard being away from each other, i do appreciate 6 hours is along way away and if money is tight seeing each other can be a bit of a nightmare.

Reply 9008

Anonymous #467

Original post by victorialou23

That whole good bye thing is horrible and the jump from school to uni is tough on any relationship. First term at university is always hard with so many different things to get used to, if you guys stay on good terms this term and you still feel the same way about her at xmas then there's no harm in seeing what happens and if she wants to get back together. The trick of an LDR is to make a plan of when you see each other, when you're going to skype/talk in the week and sticking too it, the more you are a part of each others routine the easier things get. A routine is always hard to establish in your first term which could be why you have found it very hard being away from each other, i do appreciate 6 hours is along way away and if money is tight seeing each other can be a bit of a nightmare.

A routine would've been a good idea, we texted daily and occasionally popped up on skype but yea that would've made things easier.
Ima move on and if she wants me that bad she'll come back, we're staying on good terms as like the said the break was near enough mutual and we both had each others back through tough times this past year.

I will move on for my sake, and just enjoy the time I spend in her company and leave it at that for the mo..

Reply 9009

dandaman0808

Original post by victorialou23

That whole good bye thing is horrible and the jump from school to uni is tough on any relationship. First term at university is always hard with so many different things to get used to, if you guys stay on good terms this term and you still feel the same way about her at xmas then there's no harm in seeing what happens and if she wants to get back together. The trick of an LDR is to make a plan of when you see each other, when you're going to skype/talk in the week and sticking too it, the more you are a part of each others routine the easier things get. A routine is always hard to establish in your first term which could be why you have found it very hard being away from each other, i do appreciate 6 hours is along way away and if money is tight seeing each other can be a bit of a nightmare.

I don't think I could ask her at xmas...I feel a routine could have helped things out for sure, we texted everyday and occasionally popped up on skype but it was obviously not enough.
I will try to move on for my sake and just enjoy the time spent in her company, when we see each other in holidays if she wants it enough she'll come back and try again I would like to think and even if that never happens I would have improved myself regardless by focusing on myself in the time between.
There was no bad blood, everything was on good terms so at least I have that.

EDIT - The anon above was me, box was ticked and i didnt realise.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 9010

ktlaurenroe

13

Rant

Spoiler

I guess I'm just whining for no real reason here haha. We spent a lot of the previous few weeks together, so it's just a bit weird to suddenly go back to being apart again and I'm re-adjusting (that's my excuse for complaining :ahee:

)

Reply 9011

Anonymous #473

I've just had the most amazing thing happen! I've received an offer from a university just an hour away from my boyfriend's- that would reduce cost of seeing each other next year from £20-30 to under £10, so we can see each other so much more! It's the uni I've dreamed of going to for so long, it's a fantastic place and so close to my boyfriend, my family and eek I'm so excited! Now all I have to do is get AAA at A Level... :s-smilie:

Reply 9012

FuzzySheep

15

Looks like he's cheated on me.

Reply 9013

ViceVersa

3

Original post by FuzzySheep

Looks like he's cheated on me.

Already spoken to you in other places, but you know where I am if you need to talk again, okay? :hugs:

Reply 9014

Anonymous #394

Original post by FuzzySheep

Looks like he's cheated on me.

Oh sweetness. :console:

Reply 9015

Anonymous #420

Original post by FuzzySheep

Looks like he's cheated on me.

So sorry

Reply 9016

MattyJo

10

Original post by FuzzySheep

Looks like he's cheated on me.

Stay strong!

Reply 9017

Anonymous #468

Anyone who's boyfriend goes out clubbing or drinking at university, do you keep in contact in the evening or just not at all and speak the next day?
I find it so hard to let go and not pick up the phone to ask how it's going etc..
I guess my boyfriend has changed a bit, for the good obviously, but he never usually was the type to go out to a club or drinking (and I don't enjoy that atmosphere much at all and rarely go clubbing!) so it's hard not to feel on edge.
I'm a little lame, hey ho :P

Reply 9018

Anonymous #488

Hi guys I need some help I think.

I am at Sheffield uni and my girlfriend at Nottingham, both in our first years and this past 2 months have been really hard.

I accept that I have been a bit of a pain at times to her, but at the same time it doesn't really feel like we're going out anymore at times. We both love each other which is a start but I just want some advice to get the spark back into what we have.

I don't really feel like I've changed much but I feel like she has a lot- I don't really care about that, it's just the fact that it feels like we never get to talk anymore which really hurts me. I think we're going to try and work on seeing each other every other week- we didn't really see each other a great deal anyway so I think this is about fair.

Basically, I just need some advice because we were talking about things last night and we both accept that it doesn't feel like it once did, a lot has changed. But I genuinely think that she is the girl I'm meant to be with- everyone, not just me, says that they couldn't imagine us not being together. But I really need some advice, to be honest. What can we do to at least try and make things work? We have about 4/5 weeks at uni now and then for a start we're going away for 5 nights at Christmas which I think will help a lot.

I know the feelings are still there and I know we both appreciate the times we do see each other, I just wanna know what else we can both do but at the same time I know we both have to be reasonable as well- we're both busy with work and it's a big change in our lives.

Thanks!

Reply 9019

ViceVersa

3

Original post by Anonymous

Anyone who's boyfriend goes out clubbing or drinking at university, do you keep in contact in the evening or just not at all and speak the next day?
I find it so hard to let go and not pick up the phone to ask how it's going etc..
I guess my boyfriend has changed a bit, for the good obviously, but he never usually was the type to go out to a club or drinking (and I don't enjoy that atmosphere much at all and rarely go clubbing!) so it's hard not to feel on edge.
I'm a little lame, hey ho :P

When I was in an LDR and he'd go out I'd keep in contact with him just before he goes into the club or whatever, and then as soon as he gets back he drops me a message. I don't usually contact him until the next day if he forgets to drop a text. Sometimes he might text me during his night out (drunken texts or not) but I usually like to give him space and don't text him unless he texts me first.

It can be hard sometimes, yeah, but you just gotta do other things and put him out of your mind. Either call your friends or just leave your phone in another room and do something else to fill up your time. I can understand why you feel on edge though, and you're not lame for feeling so at all.

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