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The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre Mark II watch

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    Hello and welcome to the LDR society advice centre, mark II!

    500 pages and 10,000 posts have been reached in the original thread - that's a lot of people who have been given advice about their LDR (or a potential one). It's time to start afresh!

    If you are in an LDR or will be in the future and want to talk about it, feel free to post here and we'll do our best to give you advice on any problems or issues that you want to discuss.

    If you just feel like an un-LDR related chat, you can come to the LDR Society chat thread which is located here

    Welcome once again and enjoy the thread - this is open to all

    TNP
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    (Original post by Penguinsaysquack)
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    Any chance of making this thread a sticky and un-stickying the old topic? Thanks
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    (Original post by Tactical Nuclear Penguin)
    Hello and welcome to the LDR society advice centre, mark II!

    500 pages and 10,000 posts have been reached in the original thread - that's a lot of people who have been given advice about their LDR (or a potential one). It's time to start afresh!

    If you are in an LDR or will be in the future and want to talk about it, feel free to post here and we'll do our best to give you advice on any problems or issues that you want to discuss.

    If you just feel like an un-LDR related chat, you can come to the LDR Society chat thread which is located here

    Welcome once again and enjoy the thread - this is open to all

    TNP
    So glad this thread has returned! Wondered if anyone could help me out- my boyfriend and I have been long distance for about a year, but right now i'm home for summer so can see him every day which is great. The bad thing is, its now the middle of summer, which means going back to long-distance is on the horizon. I'm dreading it, really really dreading it. Almost to the point where I don't know if I can put myself through another 2/3 years of long distance. I cried all the time last year at uni because long distance is so hard- do not want this year to be the same. Yet I love my boyfriend and don't want to end the relationship. :confused: what do I do? Anyone else feel like this?
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    Wiki Support Team
    (Original post by Tactical Nuclear Penguin)
    Any chance of making this thread a sticky and un-stickying the old topic? Thanks
    Of course
    • #1
    #1

    Hello,
    I was reading through the old thread and I guess my post is going to sound pretty much the same as lots of the others on there but I'd still like to hear any advice anyway.
    I met my boyfriend last September in the first few weeks of uni and we've now been together for 8 months. At uni he used to live above me in halls so I would get to see him everyday (basically whenever we wanted) which was great! At Christmas he came to visit me after 2 weeks and at the time I wasn't too bad (emotional wise), I still missed him loads but I could handle it. However by the time it got to Easter I was an emotional wreck! I was miserable and hated myself for it because I knew I'd be seeing him soon and there are so many people in worse situations than me. During exam season he went home for a few weekends to play sport and even then I was so sad, I didn't know what to do to make me feel better and stop worrying (revising constantly didn't help). Anyway, now it's the summer and we've been on holiday together and I've seen him two more times but in between the times I get to see him I'm still thinking about him constantly and texting him lots, I feel like I'm such an annoying person but he insists that he likes to hear from me. He has a job just now which means he's practically working 24/7 and we don't get to speak very often which again, makes me feel down in the dumps. I really wish I would stop feeling like this because I'm seeing him soon (just for 1 day) and like I said there are so many people in worse situations than I'm in! I just don't know how to stop feeling so rubbish all the time and really need to get a grip of myself.
    Any advice is welcome as the sooner I stop feeling like this the better!
    Thanks
    • #2
    #2

    Hi,

    I was looking around the old thread and, although this one doesn't seem very active, I really feel the need to get this problem off my chest - any advice would be appreciated.

    I am in a 6-year+ relationship with the boy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I also just finished my undergraduate degree (in a humanities subject) and aspire to become an academic. I've been offered postgraduate places both at my undergrad uni (Uni A) and at a uni (Uni B) an hour's flight/twelve hours coach and ferry away. Academically, Uni B is better, and I would be working with the top supervisor in my field. Most of the advice I have recieved has been to go there, and it would seem that I have a much better chance of securing funding for a future doctorate if I go here.

    The problem is, of course, that my boyfriend is staying at Uni A. When I was considering my options, he said that he wanted me to do what was best and that we could try to make an LDR work. Since I indicated that I was going to go though, he seems very upset and has once or twice talked of my 'adondoning' or 'deserting' him. When I tried to talk about it, he says he doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with the decision. Obviously I wanted to make this major decision with him and with his support but I now feel it's obvious he doesn't want me to go and feels like I'm almost dumping him for a postgrad degree.

    Nothing is finalised yet. Things havn't been all rosy in the relationship recently, but I havn't worried too much since in the past we've been able to overcome big problems, but I'm very worried that if I go away with him feeling this way that we won't be able to fix it long distance. Should I stay where I am to save my relationship? Is there a possibility he'll come around and support me in what I want to do?

    I'm honestly just feeling incredibly upset and confused right now and have no idea what to do.
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    (Original post by AB25)
    So glad this thread has returned! Wondered if anyone could help me out- my boyfriend and I have been long distance for about a year, but right now i'm home for summer so can see him every day which is great. The bad thing is, its now the middle of summer, which means going back to long-distance is on the horizon. I'm dreading it, really really dreading it. Almost to the point where I don't know if I can put myself through another 2/3 years of long distance. I cried all the time last year at uni because long distance is so hard- do not want this year to be the same. Yet I love my boyfriend and don't want to end the relationship. :confused: what do I do? Anyone else feel like this?
    How long is the distance/how often do you get to see him?

    I also cried with LOADS with my first LDR instead of enjoying myself at university and I really regret it. You need to be able to be happy without him, and have your own friends and hobbies going on, otherwise it's unnecessarily painful and is much more likely to fail. It's always hard initially but I've found it gets much easier in time once you've adjusted. At the end of the day, I think it's easier to just accept you have to be apart for a good reason and that it's only temporary
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    I was looking around the old thread and, although this one doesn't seem very active, I really feel the need to get this problem off my chest - any advice would be appreciated.

    I am in a 6-year+ relationship with the boy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I also just finished my undergraduate degree (in a humanities subject) and aspire to become an academic. I've been offered postgraduate places both at my undergrad uni (Uni A) and at a uni (Uni B) an hour's flight/twelve hours coach and ferry away. Academically, Uni B is better, and I would be working with the top supervisor in my field. Most of the advice I have recieved has been to go there, and it would seem that I have a much better chance of securing funding for a future doctorate if I go here.

    The problem is, of course, that my boyfriend is staying at Uni A. When I was considering my options, he said that he wanted me to do what was best and that we could try to make an LDR work. Since I indicated that I was going to go though, he seems very upset and has once or twice talked of my 'adondoning' or 'deserting' him. When I tried to talk about it, he says he doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with the decision. Obviously I wanted to make this major decision with him and with his support but I now feel it's obvious he doesn't want me to go and feels like I'm almost dumping him for a postgrad degree.

    Nothing is finalised yet. Things havn't been all rosy in the relationship recently, but I havn't worried too much since in the past we've been able to overcome big problems, but I'm very worried that if I go away with him feeling this way that we won't be able to fix it long distance. Should I stay where I am to save my relationship? Is there a possibility he'll come around and support me in what I want to do?

    I'm honestly just feeling incredibly upset and confused right now and have no idea what to do.
    I can't really offer any good advice unfortunately. 6 years is a long time. That being said, it sounds like Uni B is where you really want to go and you have to think about how it would affect you if you turn it down. Also, if it's only for a Masters, a year apart isn't that long in the context of a six year relationship. How much would the flight between Unis A & B cost?
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by You!Me!Dancing!)
    I can't really offer any good advice unfortunately. 6 years is a long time. That being said, it sounds like Uni B is where you really want to go and you have to think about how it would affect you if you turn it down. Also, if it's only for a Masters, a year apart isn't that long in the context of a six year relationship. How much would the flight between Unis A & B cost?
    I know it's a difficult situation and I'm not expecting any magical solutions from anyone, I just wanted to get it off my chest tbh. It is only a one year Masters, and flights are only £80-100 return (even cheaper if I can get some good deals on Ryanair), so I could afford to be home about one weekend a month if I'm thrifty, but to be honest it's my boyfriend's attitude that worries me. We had a massive row last night (after my first post) where he said that I was being selfish and that if I went he wouldn't come to visit me because it was my fault I'd effed off away from him.

    I honestly do believe we could make a LDR work, but only if we're both committed. Since he's obviously not, is there any way to make this work? Or am I being a fool throwing a wonderful relationship (and guy) away for a selfish career opportunity?
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    (Original post by You!Me!Dancing!)
    How long is the distance/how often do you get to see him?

    I also cried with LOADS with my first LDR instead of enjoying myself at university and I really regret it. You need to be able to be happy without him, and have your own friends and hobbies going on, otherwise it's unnecessarily painful and is much more likely to fail. It's always hard initially but I've found it gets much easier in time once you've adjusted. At the end of the day, I think it's easier to just accept you have to be apart for a good reason and that it's only temporary
    Thanks, good to hear someone else felt like this. We're roughly 120 miles apart- not too far compared to other people's distances, I know- but far enough to make It difficult. We see each other every 2-3 weeks on average as he works full time and struggles to get two days off in succession, and I am at uni full time as well as having a part-time job. Its hard but I guess worth it, he means everything to me thanks for your reassuring words
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    I've been in a strong relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and a year of it has been long distance. It's been rough, seeing as we are an ocean apart and it's really difficult to see each other more often than every 4-6 months. Does anyone else get "post-visit depression"? Every time we're separated, we both wind up fairly distraught and it's really hard to go back to our regular Skype routine.
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    Just came back home from a vacation in Rome with my boyfriend! We had the most amazing time and there were a lot of tears from both of us at the airport. I am somehow less sad this time as I will be moving to Britain for uni in September! We are time zones away now, so even if he doesn't get the job he wants in London we will be not more than 2 hours away by train! Crossing my fingers he gets it though, so I can just hop on the tube in the middle of the night and pay him a visit.
    Good luck to all of you, I know it can be very hard sometimes but it's all worth it!
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    Hi. I am in a LDR and it has only just started. Me and my girlfriend have been together only 6 months, she is in Australia and I am in England.

    I will be starting uni in September (hopefully) and she has gone out there for 1 year to work (gap year).

    We are trying to communicate as much as possible but at times it feels like it's only me making the effort to speak and I always make the time to speak to her. I can accept the fact that we have a 9 hour time difference and she wants to enjoy her time out there and meet new people but at the same time I don't get much attention, if any lately.

    We have 11 months left apart before she comes back, and in this time ill hopefully be starting university so ill be occupied but I don't want the relationship to end because we become too busy.

    Could anyone offer me any advice?

    Thank you.


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    Idk if I just need some comforting words or what. We've been going out for 5 years now and whilst we've been in a long distance relationship before (he went to Bangor uni for a few years whilst I stayed in Brighton).

    I'm going into my second (maybe redoing my first again) year at Winchester and he's off to work in Bristol. I know it's what's best for him and it's not as far away as it was before but I'm just going to miss him so much It was just nice when he was in Southampton, like I finally got my bf close by like everyone else who saw theirs all the time. Does any of this make sense? :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    I was looking around the old thread and, although this one doesn't seem very active, I really feel the need to get this problem off my chest - any advice would be appreciated.

    I am in a 6-year+ relationship with the boy I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I also just finished my undergraduate degree (in a humanities subject) and aspire to become an academic. I've been offered postgraduate places both at my undergrad uni (Uni A) and at a uni (Uni B) an hour's flight/twelve hours coach and ferry away. Academically, Uni B is better, and I would be working with the top supervisor in my field. Most of the advice I have recieved has been to go there, and it would seem that I have a much better chance of securing funding for a future doctorate if I go here.

    The problem is, of course, that my boyfriend is staying at Uni A. When I was considering my options, he said that he wanted me to do what was best and that we could try to make an LDR work. Since I indicated that I was going to go though, he seems very upset and has once or twice talked of my 'adondoning' or 'deserting' him. When I tried to talk about it, he says he doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with the decision. Obviously I wanted to make this major decision with him and with his support but I now feel it's obvious he doesn't want me to go and feels like I'm almost dumping him for a postgrad degree.

    Nothing is finalised yet. Things havn't been all rosy in the relationship recently, but I havn't worried too much since in the past we've been able to overcome big problems, but I'm very worried that if I go away with him feeling this way that we won't be able to fix it long distance. Should I stay where I am to save my relationship? Is there a possibility he'll come around and support me in what I want to do?

    I'm honestly just feeling incredibly upset and confused right now and have no idea what to do.
    Hey

    I'm in a really similar situation although I've only been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We met in the 2nd term of my 2nd year and as he is a year younger than me he still has a year left of his Undergrad Degree. I also had the choice to stay (with him) at my Undergrad uni to do my MA or go a lot further afield where the modules on offer are much more relevant to my interests. In the end I chose the further afield uni although, like you, I love my boyfriend and know it'll be hard not being able to see him all the time. The way I'm trying to look at it is he wants me to be happy with my course and wouldn't want me to stay just for him and end up hating what I'm studying. What if you stayed and ended up breaking up anyway? You'd just have regrets. It sounds like you have a pretty strong relationship so there's a good chance it'll survive the year, especially if you schedule in regular Skypes, weekends together etc. xxx
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by LucyCharlotte91)
    Hey

    I'm in a really similar situation although I've only been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We met in the 2nd term of my 2nd year and as he is a year younger than me he still has a year left of his Undergrad Degree. I also had the choice to stay (with him) at my Undergrad uni to do my MA or go a lot further afield where the modules on offer are much more relevant to my interests. In the end I chose the further afield uni although, like you, I love my boyfriend and know it'll be hard not being able to see him all the time. The way I'm trying to look at it is he wants me to be happy with my course and wouldn't want me to stay just for him and end up hating what I'm studying. What if you stayed and ended up breaking up anyway? You'd just have regrets. It sounds like you have a pretty strong relationship so there's a good chance it'll survive the year, especially if you schedule in regular Skypes, weekends together etc. xxx
    Hey,

    Thank you for the words of encouragment, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this situation. I do feel like we could manage a LDR, but it's his attitude that if I go to the uni I want to, then I'm abandoning him that I have a problem with. I'm worried that by having no academic regrets, I'll have regrets about jeprodising my relationship with the man I love.

    I just can't see any good way forward at the moment.
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    I totally understand. I'm not an ocean apart from my boyfriend but I get depressed after I see him for a bit and I find it incredibly hard to go on skype and see his face when I can't be with him in person. It takes me a while to be able to. We talk on the phone all the time but its still pretty rough. I haven't found a way to get past the depression. People always say try and keep busy but that doesn't really work for me.
    At least we've got support x

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    (Original post by canadamoose)
    I've been in a strong relationship with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and a year of it has been long distance. It's been rough, seeing as we are an ocean apart and it's really difficult to see each other more often than every 4-6 months. Does anyone else get "post-visit depression"? Every time we're separated, we both wind up fairly distraught and it's really hard to go back to our regular Skype routine.
    Its really admirable that you can do that I know this is gonna make me sound really silly compared to you, but I cry every time my boyfriend and I separate even though we see each other every 2-3 weeks. I think no matter how often you see each other in a long distance relationship, knowing that they have to go away is always going to be hard. I feel very blue for a good few days after we've gone our separate ways, even though we're still in contact via Skype and phone. I think it's entirely natural and that bad feeling reminds you of how much you love them if you didn't feel sad I think something would be wrong
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    My mister and I have been together almost a year and a half and will have spent almost half a year apart after this summer. Only five more weeks until I see him again. Everything is so much more frustrating being apart. I am American and he is welsh and I am coming across the pond for my man. Marriage is on the horizon...if I could just get through the next 35 days (who is counting?)


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    • #3
    #3

    Hello LDR-ers

    Excuse the mini-essay. I've been a lurker for a while in the LDR thread as in autumn last year my girlfriend of 3 years went to another continent for post-grad fieldwork.

    I just wanted to share my thoughts on what worked and didn't because for me, ultimately, it didn't work out. I had seen advice related to all of the below here and elsewhere but I didn't follow it. But I hope this might help others - at the very least writing this out has helped me a little bit.

    -Be yourself. Unquestionably the biggest problem I encountered. The first few months I was and things were fine. Then she came back for Christmas for a month and I realised how much I missed her, and how difficult this year was going to be. When we first met we were only a couple of hours apart so I could see her quite frequently, and then for a year before she went away we'd been living together so it was a big change. I started to get overly emotional and when she went away again I began focusing more and more on seeing her and let my own life slide. Big mistake.
    -Phone more, Skype less. This may just be a personal preference or the lack of good internet where she was but I found Skype to be a complete ball ache. Things weren't awkward on Skype, but they definitely had a different feel about them compared to in person or phoning. There's something about the webcam which makes it all a bit weird. Also, technical and internet problems were forever cropping up which just made things stressful. Lastly, we had to schedule things in which meant sitting around at a computer for a while.
    Phoning on the other hand was a dream - things felt a lot more natural, the connection was almost always good and we weren't tied to an appointment. The bills weren't so good, and one month I spent £120.
    -Photos please! I loved receiving photos from and of my girlfriend when she'd been out somewhere, or just of her house etc. Unfortunately, I didn't reciprocate as she never asked and I rarely take photos - in hindsight I should have as I think it helps give the other person insights into your life in a way talking or writing an email about it doesn't. I think this is important to help retain the emotional attachment.
    -Letters and personal/custom gifts. This is one part I think I did well. Once a month or so when she was away I'd send a little custom-made gift. I think personal things like this are far more romantic than a cuddly bear or a shop-bought card.
    -Trust them. For better or for worse, I had complete confidence in our relationship so I didn't care when she would mention male friends she had made. If you can trust your partner your mind will be a lot calmer.

    When things go bad:
    -Man up. I must admit, when she said her feelings had changed I went into shock. It was only a few weeks before I was due to fly out and be with her for a couple of months. I had handed in my notice at my job and was leaving my flat, so my life was all centered towards going to be with her. I basically collapsed and ended up sobbing down the phone to her - not a good way to win someone back! I ended up going out to see her anyway and cried again (twice!) whilst there too. She was upset as well which made things worse.
    In hindsight I should have held back, got out of there and had a cry when I was out of sight (or in the first case, off the phone). People say confidence is a big attraction and I think that's right. I had been really confident in the past, until things started going down hill. But crying your eyes out and saying you feel lonely killed that off completely in her eyes! Any glimmer of chance of bringing things back was now well and truly over the cliff and in the abyss. I think in an LDR confidence plays an even bigger role as it's one of the few things you have to make yourself attractive - and not just a friend - to your partner.
    -Get away from them and your comfort zone. Personally I think just being with your mates doesn't help - I think you need to actively be doing something different to stand a chance of not dwelling on what's happened. So now I'm back home I've started doing some new classes in things I'd never dream of doing (e.g. yoga, dance - I've never had more than a glimmer of interest in them but I'm going and starting to like them) and going to places in my area I've never seen.
    Whilst I was there we ended up being friends and I was even staying with her for a bit (I think she felt pity on me not knowing much of the local language and not having any friends there). This was just awkward and made me feel crap. I was thinking (deludedly) I could still get her back as we were getting on well, but being close to her only as friends just killed me inside.
    In the end I just wanted to get the hell away, went to a different country and things got a lot better from then. I should have done it earlier. I was fortunate not to have any commitments - if I had still had my job when this went down I would have been a wreck (the few weeks before I left for the other continent, after she had said her feelings had changed, I had been totally unfocused on my work, but I kept thinking I would make things work when I got out there, which kept me from going off the edge). On the plus side my rather unstable state meant I had no care for risks or my bank account so the travelling was particularly good as I just did and went whatever took my fancy.


    I believe that if I had done things differently when she went away the second time (primarily, being myself) I may be in a different position now.
    There's a little quote I remember which goes along the lines of "Learn from other's mistakes, you don't have time to make them all yourself". Hope someone learns something from mine.
 
 
 
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