Disgruntled final year student

I'm in final year of my degree and i'm full of so much regret.

I didn't have any friends in high school, so i mainly distracted myself with academics. I was really hopeful for the future and looking forward to studying a degree i both enjoyed and was good at in university. i was also hoping I might make a friend or two but thriving in my career was my main priority and my main source of excitement for the future. When application season came round my parents chose my degree for me. The first few months of first year was alright because i was still excited about studying in university for the first time, but about 4/5 months in I was hit with the unsettling feeling of wondering why I wasn't happy. Whenever I tried to vent my frustrations I was told "just stick with it, you'll like it eventually", "nobody likes their job anyways, just deal with it", or "it's a really good course, literally anyone would be lucky to be in your shoes". And so I stuck it out and my mental health became progressively worse each year. I was always jealous of my classmates that genuinely enjoyed the course and found it interesting. When you enjoy your degree or at least tolerate it it's easier to motivate yourself to be top of your class, or research new things outside the curriculum and be really excited for the future. The loneliness and loathing of my degree resulted in me trying to talk myself off the ledge a number of times.

It's been four years and I now suffer from extreme depression and anxiety (which i never used to have before). When I was applying for university the first time round neither of my teachers or parents helped me decide a course based on my interests or skills. I've now decided to go back to university and study something I chose for myself. Funding a second degree while paying off the debt from my first one is a worry, I don't have nearly as much to put on my personal statement as I did fresh out of high school, and i doubt my references would be as positive either. I feel angry that i wasted 4 years of my life just to start again at the beginning. The only good thing that came out of this was that no longer being able to cope with some of the struggles i was facing (mainly social) motivated me to finally seek an ASD diagnosis on my own.

Whenever I have to go to class, I spend the whole night prior crying or having an anxiety attack. Sometimes I even consider hurting myself so badly that someone would finally listen to or understand what I've been trying to say. And of course, I'll have to use this first degree to find a job to fund a second degree and thus do the job I hate just to support myself. But i'm really hoping things will get better.

Is anyone in the same boat or has anyone been in a similar boat?

Reply 1

Nimrakhan9816

6

It’s not a waste, because you have the degree. Also having friends and no job is worse, most of the time friends turn out to be fake. Also your life is precious and you should life it the way you want it. I hope you the very best

Reply 2

rzi999

15

Hey, I can’t imagine what you’re going through and this sounds so tough, there isn’t a lot I could say that would reflect how you feel right now. I just want you to know, You are not alone, I’m in a similar boat in some ways. I’ve been feeling lost, anxious about the future and like I have wasted my time doing things that have not brought me what I was looking for. I think about it almost everyday. I don’t know if this would be helpful but I like to think of where I am right now as an observer who is just following the waves and taking each day as it comes. I have no clue what I’m doing, and I haven’t for a long time, and being able to confront that and accept that has been so helpful for me. Everyone is moving at their own pace, as they should. We are living in line with values that add meaning to us, not to others. Be patient and kind to yourself, you deserve love and compassion and I wish the absolute best for you.

Reply 3

RemiaL

OP

7

Original post by rzi999

Hey, I can’t imagine what you’re going through and this sounds so tough, there isn’t a lot I could say that would reflect how you feel right now. I just want you to know, You are not alone, I’m in a similar boat in some ways. I’ve been feeling lost, anxious about the future and like I have wasted my time doing things that have not brought me what I was looking for. I think about it almost everyday. I don’t know if this would be helpful but I like to think of where I am right now as an observer who is just following the waves and taking each day as it comes. I have no clue what I’m doing, and I haven’t for a long time, and being able to confront that and accept that has been so helpful for me. Everyone is moving at their own pace, as they should. We are living in line with values that add meaning to us, not to others. Be patient and kind to yourself, you deserve love and compassion and I wish the absolute best for you.

thank you

Reply 4

RemiaL

OP

7

Original post by Nimrakhan9816

It’s not a waste, because you have the degree. Also having friends and no job is worse, most of the time friends turn out to be fake. Also your life is precious and you should life it the way you want it. I hope you the very best