Huge problem. Please help
Hi. Basically we as a friendship group of first years have been put in quite a tough situation. So theres these two guys in the group (who are both in our flat which is where we hang out most the time) who I am not going to call by their actual names. One I am going to call Joe, who is in the group and has ASD and a lot of his issues are around social confidence. The other I am going to call Ben, who is basically the guy who holds this group together and is responsible for like 75% of the people in this group (not including me) turning up.
As Joe has ASD his behaviour is a little different to the norms (not in a bad way by any means). No one has any problem with this though and is very understanding to him, except for Ben, who midway through the first semester decided he quietly doesn't like him because he finds his different behaviour annoying (tho he doesn't vocalise it in any way). This started to be an issue and at first Joe's confidence took a knock and we reassured him one person not liking him doesn't mean he's a bad person and doesn't affect his relationships with the rest of us (which is what he initially felt as he's been bullied quite harshly in the past) and in our recent group events and nights out he has done a very good job of not interacting with him (he gets along well with everyone else in the group even the people that come because of Ben, no one else has those same feelings) so there is no awkwardness.
But like a week before the end of the semester, Ben said (anytime we do anything as a group) if Joe is there he won't come. Ideally we want to say well that's your loss to him as he is being very unreasonable especially when Joe is not doing anything to him or even interacting with him for the past couple months. But as I mentioned he is the guy that holds the group together and is responsible for like 75% of the group coming (75% of the group either won't come if he doesn't or won't come because one of those people who won't come if he doesn't won't come, effectively theres two groups into one here, the flat group that includes Ben and Joe, and Ben's friends), so we lose him we lose them. There were a couple of planned christmas group gatherings that were pre-planned that we attempted to do, but Ben stuck to his stance and didn't come and all those that came because of him didn't come either. This meant those two group gatherings were very quiet and had not anywhere near enough people for the kinds of things we wanted to do (we typically like to do pres parties then go on a night out, particularly the former we had nowhere near enough people, Joe in particular really enjoys these packed pres parties where we all drink). Joe doesn't know Ben has taken this stance yet, we are careful about telling him as we don't want to hurt his confidence, as the idea that one person not liking him could mean a group collapses or he can no longer be part of a group would hurt him badly.
Over the christmas holidays we have tried desperately to get Ben to change his stance and tell him that he is being a **** especially as Joe doesn't interact with him so its not like he's causing any problems. But nothing we try will change his mind especially as we cannot get the people who come to our gatherings because of him to come regardless (which is a difficult one because Joe gets along with them and also they don't know us as well as they know Ben so naturally they are drawn to what he does but they are essentially enabling Ben to take this stance).
This has put us in a very difficult position ahead of our return to uni this weekend, what should we do? How can we keep him in the group as we obviously are his friend and we really do not want him to leave the group and give him the idea that one person not liking him means he cannot be part of a group, it goes completely against what we were trying to reassure him when Ben first decided he didn't like him and also it is unfair that one person not liking someone means they lose an entire group, especially as as mentioned he's getting on well with everyone else so its unfair if he is cut off from progressing with those friendships. And if it does end this way its going to hurt him so bad, its gonna destroy his confidence to the point he is unable to work up the nerve to find a new group to hang out with because of the worry of it happening again (he doesn't have any other group at the moment and neither do we so we cannot introduce him to another group). Also he's in our flat so having to hear us partying whilst he cannot join would add salt to the wound for him and we were all planning a holiday which he is really excited about (tbh personally if he gets kicked from that then none of us who depend on ben to come will go on this holiday and will do our own holiday with him). We have been desperately trying to keep this from him as we mentioned for this reason... If it happens this way we will make sure to do stuff that includes him but we won't have enough people for the things that he really enjoys and he has no one else to do them with so not sure that would prevent this doing huge damage to his self esteem...
So what do we do, surely we don't have to tell him that he cannot be part of this group anymore as that would be soooooo unfair... And if so is it a **** thing to do to join them without him as that enables Ben to take his stance, or is it a case of just because he can't doesn't mean we can't and its unfair on us to keep not joining in solidarity and compromising our social life and friendship opportunities when it obviously won't work and as i mentioned its our only friendship group group as well (the issue is all of us including Joe have their heart set on this group)... The reason I ask this is I feel like if Joe gets told about this and we suggest the idea of not joining them in solidarity with him if he can’t that he'd stress to us we should still join them without him as he'd feel guilty compromising our social life without much regard for his own mental health (we would absolutely not try to tell him to do this but he probably would, he is like that) but if we did we'd feel very guilty leaving him behind...
Sorry for the essay lol we are panicking a lot about this this is quite a stressful situation since there's no compromise and very stressful that one guy has so much control like this... (Like Ben doesn't have to like Joe, but its frustrating that he's refusing all methods of them both being in the group still even when Joe is literally doing nothing to him)...
As Joe has ASD his behaviour is a little different to the norms (not in a bad way by any means). No one has any problem with this though and is very understanding to him, except for Ben, who midway through the first semester decided he quietly doesn't like him because he finds his different behaviour annoying (tho he doesn't vocalise it in any way). This started to be an issue and at first Joe's confidence took a knock and we reassured him one person not liking him doesn't mean he's a bad person and doesn't affect his relationships with the rest of us (which is what he initially felt as he's been bullied quite harshly in the past) and in our recent group events and nights out he has done a very good job of not interacting with him (he gets along well with everyone else in the group even the people that come because of Ben, no one else has those same feelings) so there is no awkwardness.
But like a week before the end of the semester, Ben said (anytime we do anything as a group) if Joe is there he won't come. Ideally we want to say well that's your loss to him as he is being very unreasonable especially when Joe is not doing anything to him or even interacting with him for the past couple months. But as I mentioned he is the guy that holds the group together and is responsible for like 75% of the group coming (75% of the group either won't come if he doesn't or won't come because one of those people who won't come if he doesn't won't come, effectively theres two groups into one here, the flat group that includes Ben and Joe, and Ben's friends), so we lose him we lose them. There were a couple of planned christmas group gatherings that were pre-planned that we attempted to do, but Ben stuck to his stance and didn't come and all those that came because of him didn't come either. This meant those two group gatherings were very quiet and had not anywhere near enough people for the kinds of things we wanted to do (we typically like to do pres parties then go on a night out, particularly the former we had nowhere near enough people, Joe in particular really enjoys these packed pres parties where we all drink). Joe doesn't know Ben has taken this stance yet, we are careful about telling him as we don't want to hurt his confidence, as the idea that one person not liking him could mean a group collapses or he can no longer be part of a group would hurt him badly.
Over the christmas holidays we have tried desperately to get Ben to change his stance and tell him that he is being a **** especially as Joe doesn't interact with him so its not like he's causing any problems. But nothing we try will change his mind especially as we cannot get the people who come to our gatherings because of him to come regardless (which is a difficult one because Joe gets along with them and also they don't know us as well as they know Ben so naturally they are drawn to what he does but they are essentially enabling Ben to take this stance).
This has put us in a very difficult position ahead of our return to uni this weekend, what should we do? How can we keep him in the group as we obviously are his friend and we really do not want him to leave the group and give him the idea that one person not liking him means he cannot be part of a group, it goes completely against what we were trying to reassure him when Ben first decided he didn't like him and also it is unfair that one person not liking someone means they lose an entire group, especially as as mentioned he's getting on well with everyone else so its unfair if he is cut off from progressing with those friendships. And if it does end this way its going to hurt him so bad, its gonna destroy his confidence to the point he is unable to work up the nerve to find a new group to hang out with because of the worry of it happening again (he doesn't have any other group at the moment and neither do we so we cannot introduce him to another group). Also he's in our flat so having to hear us partying whilst he cannot join would add salt to the wound for him and we were all planning a holiday which he is really excited about (tbh personally if he gets kicked from that then none of us who depend on ben to come will go on this holiday and will do our own holiday with him). We have been desperately trying to keep this from him as we mentioned for this reason... If it happens this way we will make sure to do stuff that includes him but we won't have enough people for the things that he really enjoys and he has no one else to do them with so not sure that would prevent this doing huge damage to his self esteem...
So what do we do, surely we don't have to tell him that he cannot be part of this group anymore as that would be soooooo unfair... And if so is it a **** thing to do to join them without him as that enables Ben to take his stance, or is it a case of just because he can't doesn't mean we can't and its unfair on us to keep not joining in solidarity and compromising our social life and friendship opportunities when it obviously won't work and as i mentioned its our only friendship group group as well (the issue is all of us including Joe have their heart set on this group)... The reason I ask this is I feel like if Joe gets told about this and we suggest the idea of not joining them in solidarity with him if he can’t that he'd stress to us we should still join them without him as he'd feel guilty compromising our social life without much regard for his own mental health (we would absolutely not try to tell him to do this but he probably would, he is like that) but if we did we'd feel very guilty leaving him behind...
Sorry for the essay lol we are panicking a lot about this this is quite a stressful situation since there's no compromise and very stressful that one guy has so much control like this... (Like Ben doesn't have to like Joe, but its frustrating that he's refusing all methods of them both being in the group still even when Joe is literally doing nothing to him)...
Scroll to see replies
If these other people follow Ben like minions then they aren’t worth it and obviously aren’t really friends.
Idc what happens please just protect Joe at all costs. He reminds me of someone I know and honestly I simply could not hurt them. Joe does not deserve to be treated like this and bens behaviour is borderline ableist. Ben doesn’t sound like a nice person, or a person I would want to associate myself with at a cost to joe who seems nothing but a wholesome guy.
Protect Joe.
Idc what happens please just protect Joe at all costs. He reminds me of someone I know and honestly I simply could not hurt them. Joe does not deserve to be treated like this and bens behaviour is borderline ableist. Ben doesn’t sound like a nice person, or a person I would want to associate myself with at a cost to joe who seems nothing but a wholesome guy.
Protect Joe.
Keep him included, just keep going. You need to ask yourself the question, if Ben is keeping the group together and other people only turn up on account of him, is there any point? If your just wanting numbers perhaps you can consider other activities?
Or reading your post another way, if Ben is keeping the group together by organising things rather than people turning up just because he is there, perhaps it's time to start organising things yourself?
Or reading your post another way, if Ben is keeping the group together by organising things rather than people turning up just because he is there, perhaps it's time to start organising things yourself?
Drop Ben.
Honestly this situation sounds ridiculous, if Ben is acting like this toward one person for something as deep as ASD then who knows how he'll treat other people for even less??
You said you're first years about to go into term 2? Trust me, you haven't even met a 1/3 of your future friends yet.
If Joe likes pres and parties, you can easily make new friends through those; you can host and ask course-mates and other people in your building to join, you can literally meet entire groups at the club it's not that hard.
What you guys are doing right now by even questioning if you should tell Joe is enabling Ben to be a prat.
He and his minions are not worth it, they're literally okay with destroying one guy's confidence and entire uni experience just because they don't have empathy and maturity to deal with the fact some people are just inevitably different?
Honestly this situation sounds ridiculous, if Ben is acting like this toward one person for something as deep as ASD then who knows how he'll treat other people for even less??
You said you're first years about to go into term 2? Trust me, you haven't even met a 1/3 of your future friends yet.
If Joe likes pres and parties, you can easily make new friends through those; you can host and ask course-mates and other people in your building to join, you can literally meet entire groups at the club it's not that hard.
What you guys are doing right now by even questioning if you should tell Joe is enabling Ben to be a prat.
He and his minions are not worth it, they're literally okay with destroying one guy's confidence and entire uni experience just because they don't have empathy and maturity to deal with the fact some people are just inevitably different?
(edited 1 year ago)
Thanks for the responses guys, ideally what we want to do is have everything go on as it was before Ben took this stance, but unfortunately that does not look like its going to be an option...
What people are saying about his friends following him around is kind of true, but the thing is Ben was friends with these people before uni (he was lucky to go to the same uni as a lot of his friends) so naturally they are more drawn to what he does than to what we do (all of us including Joe are friends with a lot of them, and a couple of them did show up to the christmas thing we did but they are kind of developing friendships at the moment, Joe would be very upset to be cut off from that). They aren't bad people by any means. A lot of the time we organise the gatherings its just a lot of people depend on Ben to come...
The issue is Joe was really happy in this group before Ben took this stance. As much as we try to keep it from him, if theres any change he will find out and it is going to hurt bad and as I said he is going to push us to go without him so ben and his mates come without much regard for his own mental health mainly because he'd feel guilty costing us that... And I really dont want that to happen and most of all don't want him to be hurt.
Also on what was said, we have been trying to say to him he isn't going to like everyone and if he cannot handle someone's presence just because they are unintentionally different he is going to struggle, but he is quite popular despite that...
What people are saying about his friends following him around is kind of true, but the thing is Ben was friends with these people before uni (he was lucky to go to the same uni as a lot of his friends) so naturally they are more drawn to what he does than to what we do (all of us including Joe are friends with a lot of them, and a couple of them did show up to the christmas thing we did but they are kind of developing friendships at the moment, Joe would be very upset to be cut off from that). They aren't bad people by any means. A lot of the time we organise the gatherings its just a lot of people depend on Ben to come...
The issue is Joe was really happy in this group before Ben took this stance. As much as we try to keep it from him, if theres any change he will find out and it is going to hurt bad and as I said he is going to push us to go without him so ben and his mates come without much regard for his own mental health mainly because he'd feel guilty costing us that... And I really dont want that to happen and most of all don't want him to be hurt.
Also on what was said, we have been trying to say to him he isn't going to like everyone and if he cannot handle someone's presence just because they are unintentionally different he is going to struggle, but he is quite popular despite that...
If joe lives in the flat & hes a nice guy then chill with him. No reason you can’t hang around with both groups but frankly this Ben guy will probably cut you all loose when hes bored of you guys as well...
Honestly id keep hanging out with joe, id invite ben & his mates but assume its a no & start trying to find other people to integrate into your group. University has loads of people. Maybe try the neighbouring blocks...
I do understand it can be awkward & uncomfortable dealing with socially unusual people but if he’s in the flat & a nice guy then he should be treated with dignity (and ben sounds like he’s unwilling to offer that). Not everyone needs to be friends but being fair & respectful is free.
Honestly id keep hanging out with joe, id invite ben & his mates but assume its a no & start trying to find other people to integrate into your group. University has loads of people. Maybe try the neighbouring blocks...
I do understand it can be awkward & uncomfortable dealing with socially unusual people but if he’s in the flat & a nice guy then he should be treated with dignity (and ben sounds like he’s unwilling to offer that). Not everyone needs to be friends but being fair & respectful is free.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi. Basically we as a friendship group of first years have been put in quite a tough situation. So theres these two guys in the group (who are both in our flat which is where we hang out most the time) who I am not going to call by their actual names. One I am going to call Joe, who is in the group and has ASD and a lot of his issues are around social confidence. The other I am going to call Ben, who is basically the guy who holds this group together and is responsible for like 75% of the people in this group (not including me) turning up.
As Joe has ASD his behaviour is a little different to the norms (not in a bad way by any means). No one has any problem with this though and is very understanding to him, except for Ben, who midway through the first semester decided he quietly doesn't like him because he finds his different behaviour annoying (tho he doesn't vocalise it in any way). This started to be an issue and at first Joe's confidence took a knock and we reassured him one person not liking him doesn't mean he's a bad person and doesn't affect his relationships with the rest of us (which is what he initially felt as he's been bullied quite harshly in the past) and in our recent group events and nights out he has done a very good job of not interacting with him (he gets along well with everyone else in the group even the people that come because of Ben, no one else has those same feelings) so there is no awkwardness.
But like a week before the end of the semester, Ben said (anytime we do anything as a group) if Joe is there he won't come. Ideally we want to say well that's your loss to him as he is being very unreasonable especially when Joe is not doing anything to him or even interacting with him for the past couple months. But as I mentioned he is the guy that holds the group together and is responsible for like 75% of the group coming (75% of the group either won't come if he doesn't or won't come because one of those people who won't come if he doesn't won't come, effectively theres two groups into one here, the flat group that includes Ben and Joe, and Ben's friends), so we lose him we lose them. There were a couple of planned christmas group gatherings that were pre-planned that we attempted to do, but Ben stuck to his stance and didn't come and all those that came because of him didn't come either. This meant those two group gatherings were very quiet and had not anywhere near enough people for the kinds of things we wanted to do (we typically like to do pres parties then go on a night out, particularly the former we had nowhere near enough people, Joe in particular really enjoys these packed pres parties where we all drink). Joe doesn't know Ben has taken this stance yet, we are careful about telling him as we don't want to hurt his confidence, as the idea that one person not liking him could mean a group collapses or he can no longer be part of a group would hurt him badly.
Over the christmas holidays we have tried desperately to get Ben to change his stance and tell him that he is being a **** especially as Joe doesn't interact with him so its not like he's causing any problems. But nothing we try will change his mind especially as we cannot get the people who come to our gatherings because of him to come regardless (which is a difficult one because Joe gets along with them and also they don't know us as well as they know Ben so naturally they are drawn to what he does but they are essentially enabling Ben to take this stance).
This has put us in a very difficult position ahead of our return to uni this weekend, what should we do? How can we keep him in the group as we obviously are his friend and we really do not want him to leave the group and give him the idea that one person not liking him means he cannot be part of a group, it goes completely against what we were trying to reassure him when Ben first decided he didn't like him and also it is unfair that one person not liking someone means they lose an entire group, especially as as mentioned he's getting on well with everyone else so its unfair if he is cut off from progressing with those friendships. And if it does end this way its going to hurt him so bad, its gonna destroy his confidence to the point he is unable to work up the nerve to find a new group to hang out with because of the worry of it happening again (he doesn't have any other group at the moment and neither do we so we cannot introduce him to another group). Also he's in our flat so having to hear us partying whilst he cannot join would add salt to the wound for him and we were all planning a holiday which he is really excited about (tbh personally if he gets kicked from that then none of us who depend on ben to come will go on this holiday and will do our own holiday with him). We have been desperately trying to keep this from him as we mentioned for this reason... If it happens this way we will make sure to do stuff that includes him but we won't have enough people for the things that he really enjoys and he has no one else to do them with so not sure that would prevent this doing huge damage to his self esteem...
So what do we do, surely we don't have to tell him that he cannot be part of this group anymore as that would be soooooo unfair... And if so is it a **** thing to do to join them without him as that enables Ben to take his stance, or is it a case of just because he can't doesn't mean we can't and its unfair on us to keep not joining in solidarity and compromising our social life and friendship opportunities when it obviously won't work and as i mentioned its our only friendship group group as well (the issue is all of us including Joe have their heart set on this group)... The reason I ask this is I feel like if Joe gets told about this and we suggest the idea of not joining them in solidarity with him if he can’t that he'd stress to us we should still join them without him as he'd feel guilty compromising our social life without much regard for his own mental health (we would absolutely not try to tell him to do this but he probably would, he is like that) but if we did we'd feel very guilty leaving him behind...
Sorry for the essay lol we are panicking a lot about this this is quite a stressful situation since there's no compromise and very stressful that one guy has so much control like this... (Like Ben doesn't have to like Joe, but its frustrating that he's refusing all methods of them both being in the group still even when Joe is literally doing nothing to him)...
As Joe has ASD his behaviour is a little different to the norms (not in a bad way by any means). No one has any problem with this though and is very understanding to him, except for Ben, who midway through the first semester decided he quietly doesn't like him because he finds his different behaviour annoying (tho he doesn't vocalise it in any way). This started to be an issue and at first Joe's confidence took a knock and we reassured him one person not liking him doesn't mean he's a bad person and doesn't affect his relationships with the rest of us (which is what he initially felt as he's been bullied quite harshly in the past) and in our recent group events and nights out he has done a very good job of not interacting with him (he gets along well with everyone else in the group even the people that come because of Ben, no one else has those same feelings) so there is no awkwardness.
But like a week before the end of the semester, Ben said (anytime we do anything as a group) if Joe is there he won't come. Ideally we want to say well that's your loss to him as he is being very unreasonable especially when Joe is not doing anything to him or even interacting with him for the past couple months. But as I mentioned he is the guy that holds the group together and is responsible for like 75% of the group coming (75% of the group either won't come if he doesn't or won't come because one of those people who won't come if he doesn't won't come, effectively theres two groups into one here, the flat group that includes Ben and Joe, and Ben's friends), so we lose him we lose them. There were a couple of planned christmas group gatherings that were pre-planned that we attempted to do, but Ben stuck to his stance and didn't come and all those that came because of him didn't come either. This meant those two group gatherings were very quiet and had not anywhere near enough people for the kinds of things we wanted to do (we typically like to do pres parties then go on a night out, particularly the former we had nowhere near enough people, Joe in particular really enjoys these packed pres parties where we all drink). Joe doesn't know Ben has taken this stance yet, we are careful about telling him as we don't want to hurt his confidence, as the idea that one person not liking him could mean a group collapses or he can no longer be part of a group would hurt him badly.
Over the christmas holidays we have tried desperately to get Ben to change his stance and tell him that he is being a **** especially as Joe doesn't interact with him so its not like he's causing any problems. But nothing we try will change his mind especially as we cannot get the people who come to our gatherings because of him to come regardless (which is a difficult one because Joe gets along with them and also they don't know us as well as they know Ben so naturally they are drawn to what he does but they are essentially enabling Ben to take this stance).
This has put us in a very difficult position ahead of our return to uni this weekend, what should we do? How can we keep him in the group as we obviously are his friend and we really do not want him to leave the group and give him the idea that one person not liking him means he cannot be part of a group, it goes completely against what we were trying to reassure him when Ben first decided he didn't like him and also it is unfair that one person not liking someone means they lose an entire group, especially as as mentioned he's getting on well with everyone else so its unfair if he is cut off from progressing with those friendships. And if it does end this way its going to hurt him so bad, its gonna destroy his confidence to the point he is unable to work up the nerve to find a new group to hang out with because of the worry of it happening again (he doesn't have any other group at the moment and neither do we so we cannot introduce him to another group). Also he's in our flat so having to hear us partying whilst he cannot join would add salt to the wound for him and we were all planning a holiday which he is really excited about (tbh personally if he gets kicked from that then none of us who depend on ben to come will go on this holiday and will do our own holiday with him). We have been desperately trying to keep this from him as we mentioned for this reason... If it happens this way we will make sure to do stuff that includes him but we won't have enough people for the things that he really enjoys and he has no one else to do them with so not sure that would prevent this doing huge damage to his self esteem...
So what do we do, surely we don't have to tell him that he cannot be part of this group anymore as that would be soooooo unfair... And if so is it a **** thing to do to join them without him as that enables Ben to take his stance, or is it a case of just because he can't doesn't mean we can't and its unfair on us to keep not joining in solidarity and compromising our social life and friendship opportunities when it obviously won't work and as i mentioned its our only friendship group group as well (the issue is all of us including Joe have their heart set on this group)... The reason I ask this is I feel like if Joe gets told about this and we suggest the idea of not joining them in solidarity with him if he can’t that he'd stress to us we should still join them without him as he'd feel guilty compromising our social life without much regard for his own mental health (we would absolutely not try to tell him to do this but he probably would, he is like that) but if we did we'd feel very guilty leaving him behind...
Sorry for the essay lol we are panicking a lot about this this is quite a stressful situation since there's no compromise and very stressful that one guy has so much control like this... (Like Ben doesn't have to like Joe, but its frustrating that he's refusing all methods of them both being in the group still even when Joe is literally doing nothing to him)...
Not sure why people are friends with the Ben dude. He could turn on any of them and ostracise him. He has shown that he is a walking red flag and should be avoided. Joe is probably the better person.
Clearly Ben still thinks he is at primary school, not university…
Keep Joe and let Ben toddle back into his narrow minded hole. You might even find that his “friends” decide not to lose you and stay with you anyway. And if they don’t…a good lesson to learn is that it is better to have a few true friends than lots of flakes.
Keep Joe and let Ben toddle back into his narrow minded hole. You might even find that his “friends” decide not to lose you and stay with you anyway. And if they don’t…a good lesson to learn is that it is better to have a few true friends than lots of flakes.
And if he starts giving Joe grief he should be reported for harassment…
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by mnot
If joe lives in the flat & hes a nice guy then chill with him. No reason you can’t hang around with both groups but frankly this Ben guy will probably cut you all loose when hes bored of you guys as well...
Honestly id keep hanging out with joe, id invite ben & his mates but assume its a no & start trying to find other people to integrate into your group. University has loads of people. Maybe try the neighbouring blocks...
I do understand it can be awkward & uncomfortable dealing with socially unusual people but if he’s in the flat & a nice guy then he should be treated with dignity (and ben sounds like he’s unwilling to offer that). Not everyone needs to be friends but being fair & respectful is free.
Honestly id keep hanging out with joe, id invite ben & his mates but assume its a no & start trying to find other people to integrate into your group. University has loads of people. Maybe try the neighbouring blocks...
I do understand it can be awkward & uncomfortable dealing with socially unusual people but if he’s in the flat & a nice guy then he should be treated with dignity (and ben sounds like he’s unwilling to offer that). Not everyone needs to be friends but being fair & respectful is free.
Whatever happens we are not going to stop being friends with Joe at all. The thing is tho its really unfair if Joe cannot join the group stuff (which is the stuff he enjoys) like he did before just because of one person not liking him and taking an unreasonable stance...
As I said here, the main problem is we want to find a way he can still join us in the group because this whole thing will knock his confidence to the point its tricky for him to communicate with anyone and he's also in the process of being friends with a lot of those people... We are trying to get the friends that Ben usually brings to come regardless of whether Ben comes, but how do we stop Ben organising something and naturally whisking them away to join him... Should we tell them what he is doing (as they like Joe...), would that be harsh? We arent trying to force Ben to like Joe, not everyones gonna like us... we just want him to be civil with Joe and accept him being there on group stuff we do...
Original post by Anonymous
As I said here, the main problem is we want to find a way he can still join us in the group because this whole thing will knock his confidence to the point its tricky for him to communicate with anyone and he's also in the process of being friends with a lot of those people... We are trying to get the friends that Ben usually brings to come regardless of whether Ben comes, but how do we stop Ben organising something and naturally whisking them away to join him... Should we tell them what he* is doing (as they like Joe...), would that be harsh? We arent trying to force Ben to like Joe, not everyones gonna like us... we just want him to be civil with Joe and accept him being there on group stuff we do...
*tell them what Ben is doing to Joe
We are trying our legitimate best to ensure things can continue as they were before Ben did this, but Ben still won't budge about his stance and I don't think his friends know us well enough yet to be ready to join the group without him yet. The situation is they know Ben very well but whilst they do know us they don't know us well enough yet (feel like its close to that point but not close enough) but there is potential here for good friendships as all of us including Joe are getting along with him. How do we persuade them to come regardless of if Ben comes... Because if they don't we have the choice between doing stuff without Joe or throwing away these potential friendships and also would cut Joe off from being able to see these people when he's getting along well with them which is really unfair on him... And is there a way we can get ben to change his stance?
And a lot of things we've seen Ben say have indicated to us that if we don't tell Joe to not attend our group stuff he will tell him himself and probably guilt trip him into thinking by coming he's costing us friendships, which is completely not true but would make Joe believe that and I really don't want him to do that...
We are not trying to force Ben to like Joe, and its not that he is being ableist or purposely trying to ruin Joe's uni experience, he is simply being extremely selfish that because he cannot understand Joe's behaviour he is trying to use his popularity to blackmail him out of the group...
Sorry for the rant but this really should not happen i just want this all to be resolved without anyone being kicked out of the group or getting hurt or costing anyone friendship opportunities!!!
And a lot of things we've seen Ben say have indicated to us that if we don't tell Joe to not attend our group stuff he will tell him himself and probably guilt trip him into thinking by coming he's costing us friendships, which is completely not true but would make Joe believe that and I really don't want him to do that...
We are not trying to force Ben to like Joe, and its not that he is being ableist or purposely trying to ruin Joe's uni experience, he is simply being extremely selfish that because he cannot understand Joe's behaviour he is trying to use his popularity to blackmail him out of the group...
Sorry for the rant but this really should not happen i just want this all to be resolved without anyone being kicked out of the group or getting hurt or costing anyone friendship opportunities!!!
Original post by Anonymous
We are trying our legitimate best to ensure things can continue as they were before Ben did this, but Ben still won't budge about his stance and I don't think his friends know us well enough yet to be ready to join the group without him yet. The situation is they know Ben very well but whilst they do know us they don't know us well enough yet (feel like its close to that point but not close enough) but there is potential here for good friendships as all of us including Joe are getting along with him. How do we persuade them to come regardless of if Ben comes... Because if they don't we have the choice between doing stuff without Joe or throwing away these potential friendships and also would cut Joe off from being able to see these people when he's getting along well with them which is really unfair on him... And is there a way we can get ben to change his stance?
And a lot of things we've seen Ben say have indicated to us that if we don't tell Joe to not attend our group stuff he will tell him himself and probably guilt trip him into thinking by coming he's costing us friendships, which is completely not true but would make Joe believe that and I really don't want him to do that...
We are not trying to force Ben to like Joe, and its not that he is being ableist or purposely trying to ruin Joe's uni experience, he is simply being extremely selfish that because he cannot understand Joe's behaviour he is trying to use his popularity to blackmail him out of the group...
Sorry for the rant but this really should not happen i just want this all to be resolved without anyone being kicked out of the group or getting hurt or costing anyone friendship opportunities!!!
And a lot of things we've seen Ben say have indicated to us that if we don't tell Joe to not attend our group stuff he will tell him himself and probably guilt trip him into thinking by coming he's costing us friendships, which is completely not true but would make Joe believe that and I really don't want him to do that...
We are not trying to force Ben to like Joe, and its not that he is being ableist or purposely trying to ruin Joe's uni experience, he is simply being extremely selfish that because he cannot understand Joe's behaviour he is trying to use his popularity to blackmail him out of the group...
Sorry for the rant but this really should not happen i just want this all to be resolved without anyone being kicked out of the group or getting hurt or costing anyone friendship opportunities!!!
Wow. It is a bit wild to find that some young people would still allow a toxic human being to dominate large parts of their social life. You should have gotten rid of Ben by now.
Original post by Wired_1800
Wow. It is a bit wild to find that some young people would still allow a toxic human being to dominate large parts of their social life. You should have gotten rid of Ben by now.
Couldn’t agree more. Ben is the issue, not Joe. He can’t be forced to like Joe but he is the one with the problem, if everyone else enjoys Joe’s company he has to accept that. Joe hasn’t done anything wrong so why hurt him if you like him?
Original post by Anonymous
We are trying our legitimate best to ensure things can continue as they were before Ben did this, but Ben still won't budge about his stance and I don't think his friends know us well enough yet to be ready to join the group without him yet. The situation is they know Ben very well but whilst they do know us they don't know us well enough yet (feel like its close to that point but not close enough) but there is potential here for good friendships as all of us including Joe are getting along with him. How do we persuade them to come regardless of if Ben comes... Because if they don't we have the choice between doing stuff without Joe or throwing away these potential friendships and also would cut Joe off from being able to see these people when he's getting along well with them which is really unfair on him... And is there a way we can get ben to change his stance?
And a lot of things we've seen Ben say have indicated to us that if we don't tell Joe to not attend our group stuff he will tell him himself and probably guilt trip him into thinking by coming he's costing us friendships,
And a lot of things we've seen Ben say have indicated to us that if we don't tell Joe to not attend our group stuff he will tell him himself and probably guilt trip him into thinking by coming he's costing us friendships,
Hard to believe someone like that even has friends. But in my experience they do exist, sadly…
Original post by Wired_1800
Wow. It is a bit wild to find that some young people would still allow a toxic human being to dominate large parts of their social life. You should have gotten rid of Ben by now.
If this was possible to do without letting go of loads of other people then we would... TBH a lot of us are getting really angry with him right now he is being totally selfish and unreasonable
Original post by Anonymous
If this was possible to do without letting go of loads of other people then we would... TBH a lot of us are getting really angry with him right now he is being totally selfish and unreasonable
Ok. You have the answer.
Nothings working! We have tried to carry on, but Ben is still taking this stance and will not come if Joe is there, and we have tried to get his friends to come without him but its pretty clear thats not gonna happen. We have tried advertising our gatherings in the block group chat we are in and no one is coming... (people did come at the start of the year when we did this but i think most people have their groups now im guessing is why no one is coming) What do we do, this whole situation is compromising all our social lives, especially Joe's!
Original post by Anonymous
Nothings working! We have tried to carry on, but Ben is still taking this stance and will not come if Joe is there, and we have tried to get his friends to come without him but its pretty clear thats not gonna happen. We have tried advertising our gatherings in the block group chat we are in and no one is coming... (people did come at the start of the year when we did this but i think most people have their groups now im guessing is why no one is coming) What do we do, this whole situation is compromising all our social lives, especially Joe's!
I dont think it is about Joe anymore. Probably some people have their own groups and cant be bothered with more mates
This entire situation annoys me to no ends because I grew up around entitled, snobbish, controlling people like Ben. Why do you even want to associate with him? Why would you want someone like that in your social group? Who is he to feel so entitled? You're all grown adults and he's ordering you around, trying to control your friendships like you lot don't have brains to think for yourselves. He is being ableist by disliking Joe just because of something he can't control. It's disgusting. It makes me feel so sad for Joe because I know what social anxiety feels like. It's awful constantly over-worrying about how others view you.
I honestly would not remain friends with someone like Ben. He might not express his views in a harsh way around you. Maybe that's why you're still trying to keep him in your life. However, the intentions are the same. He cannot bend a little to accommodate someone with needs they can't control. He would rather cut them off from their friends despite knowing how much that would ruin the person. It's not fair at all. I would never have someone like that in my group. Some day, he's going to find a reason to get rid of someone else in that group including you. You don't have to tell Joe exactly what happened but you can cut Ben off and tell Joe he did things you can't agree with. I would rather have Joe in my little circle than Ben in a huge circle of mindless followers. Plan new holidays and activities with a smaller circle. It'll be easier to handle and still fun.
I honestly would not remain friends with someone like Ben. He might not express his views in a harsh way around you. Maybe that's why you're still trying to keep him in your life. However, the intentions are the same. He cannot bend a little to accommodate someone with needs they can't control. He would rather cut them off from their friends despite knowing how much that would ruin the person. It's not fair at all. I would never have someone like that in my group. Some day, he's going to find a reason to get rid of someone else in that group including you. You don't have to tell Joe exactly what happened but you can cut Ben off and tell Joe he did things you can't agree with. I would rather have Joe in my little circle than Ben in a huge circle of mindless followers. Plan new holidays and activities with a smaller circle. It'll be easier to handle and still fun.
(edited 1 year ago)
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Chemistry help! GCSE
- Manchester vs London
- Derwent College - Economy Ensuite Accommodation
- Nervous/anxiety habits impacting health (pulling my teeth out"
- Boyfriend is "very well endowed"
- I am 36 years old am I too old for marriage?
- note in a level exam
- Struggling to settle into uni life?
- Can someone chance me for Imperial EEE
- A-level computer science NEA - need help with design section
- Foundation medicine
- Help me find this perfume please
- Suffering from long covid
- access course
- TIPS ON HOW TO GET AN A IN THESE A LEVELS thanks!!
- Switching A Level subjects
- Computer Science Paper 2 (OCR A Level)
- lovell park accommodation leeds
- How to prepare for AS level physics resits?
- I chose the wrong A-Levels?!
Latest
Trending
Last reply 3 weeks ago
Got a third in my second year and the highest I’ve achieved in third year was 55%Trending
Last reply 3 weeks ago
Got a third in my second year and the highest I’ve achieved in third year was 55%
