Medium Distance at Uni
Hey. This is the first time i've ever asked a personal question but i don't want to ask my friends in case they think im a horrible person. i'm in my 2nd year of medical school and i met my boyfriend last year whilst he was also studying at my uni. at the start i was so in love with him and i was so convinced he was the one i will marry as i only date to marry. but once he moved back home after graduating its just been so so difficult and i feel like i'm not the type of person to handle something intense as this at the age of 20.
he tries to visit me once a month as much as he can, and he loves me so so much. he does everything he can for me, sends me gifts, heartfelt letters and motivates me so much, asks me about my day and is so invested in my personal growth. in summary, he is an amazing person and someone who deserves the world. i also do the same, and im helping him find a grad job.
the horrible thing is, whenever he's at home, i feel so disconnected from him. he feels like a stranger to me rather than my boyfriend, and then when he comes to visit me, it takes me a day or so to get used to him and normalise myself to how it used to be. and then when we are together in person its so nice, we go back to our old selves and are so happy.
i think the difficult part is that we went from basically living together and doing everything together at uni to seeing each other now and then, and i just don't feel like i can handle it. i miss last year so much, and im beginning to question whether this is all worth it at such a young age. because he's living at home, his life is just revolved around his part time job and me, and he doesn't stay busy too so we just text each other like every 10 mins and it feels like a chore.
he can sense a small change in me and because he can see when im online he will know im airing him, and start overthinking. so i can't even take my time to reply to his constant texts. i genuinely feel like i don't deserve him and have the capacity to shower him with the love he deserves. everyone knows about us as a couple, and are rooting for us to last and get married, including our siblings and it would just shatter me to let everyone down.
basically, my boyfriend is someone i would totally marry and settle down with in my late 20's but just not now, i can't handle the pressure of continuing a long distance and long term rs. i sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like if i was single and just allowed to flirt with whoever i wanted to at uni, and focus on my personal growth without worrying about a boyfriend. what on earth do i do
he tries to visit me once a month as much as he can, and he loves me so so much. he does everything he can for me, sends me gifts, heartfelt letters and motivates me so much, asks me about my day and is so invested in my personal growth. in summary, he is an amazing person and someone who deserves the world. i also do the same, and im helping him find a grad job.
the horrible thing is, whenever he's at home, i feel so disconnected from him. he feels like a stranger to me rather than my boyfriend, and then when he comes to visit me, it takes me a day or so to get used to him and normalise myself to how it used to be. and then when we are together in person its so nice, we go back to our old selves and are so happy.
i think the difficult part is that we went from basically living together and doing everything together at uni to seeing each other now and then, and i just don't feel like i can handle it. i miss last year so much, and im beginning to question whether this is all worth it at such a young age. because he's living at home, his life is just revolved around his part time job and me, and he doesn't stay busy too so we just text each other like every 10 mins and it feels like a chore.
he can sense a small change in me and because he can see when im online he will know im airing him, and start overthinking. so i can't even take my time to reply to his constant texts. i genuinely feel like i don't deserve him and have the capacity to shower him with the love he deserves. everyone knows about us as a couple, and are rooting for us to last and get married, including our siblings and it would just shatter me to let everyone down.
basically, my boyfriend is someone i would totally marry and settle down with in my late 20's but just not now, i can't handle the pressure of continuing a long distance and long term rs. i sometimes find myself wondering what it would be like if i was single and just allowed to flirt with whoever i wanted to at uni, and focus on my personal growth without worrying about a boyfriend. what on earth do i do
also I've got 4 more years left of uni
hey, imma be honest i've never been in a long distance relationship so might be totally out of whack here but i definitely don't think you should be beating yourself up so much!! from what you've said, i feel like it makes total sense as to why you're feeling so disconnected now that you see him less compared to basically seeing him 24/7 - and that would be a toll on anyone's relationship let alone being 20 and trying to figure everything out!
it's obviously easy for me to say, but i wouldn't panic about the state of your relationship w your bf just yet esp since it seems like you still care about him a lot, and when do you see him in person things seem to go back to normal. obviously as life circumstances change and you grow up, your relationship isn't going to stay the exact same as a year ago - but if you still deep down have feelings for him then i'm sure you both can work through this!
one thing is, the texting thing. if you feel too much pressure to respond and it's beginning to feel like a chore, i think it may be a good idea to talk to him about that and maybe suggest alternatives? rather than texting every 10 mins, maybe just facetime every other day or something? so you still have regular communication with him but it might feel more authentic and less forced?
definitely don't keep all of this bottled up inside you, because i think everyone being aware of your relationship and having their own expectations has added even more pressure for you! are there any friends you know who are in / have been in (sort of) long distance relationships?
sorry this is slightly rambly and probs doesn't make a lot of sense but i also just wanna say that you're not a terrible person at all!!! you've clearly taken a lot of time to try and unpack your emotions and are trying to be considerate of your bfs feelings too! i really wish you both the best and i'm sure you'll be able to work through it in time!
it's obviously easy for me to say, but i wouldn't panic about the state of your relationship w your bf just yet esp since it seems like you still care about him a lot, and when do you see him in person things seem to go back to normal. obviously as life circumstances change and you grow up, your relationship isn't going to stay the exact same as a year ago - but if you still deep down have feelings for him then i'm sure you both can work through this!
one thing is, the texting thing. if you feel too much pressure to respond and it's beginning to feel like a chore, i think it may be a good idea to talk to him about that and maybe suggest alternatives? rather than texting every 10 mins, maybe just facetime every other day or something? so you still have regular communication with him but it might feel more authentic and less forced?
definitely don't keep all of this bottled up inside you, because i think everyone being aware of your relationship and having their own expectations has added even more pressure for you! are there any friends you know who are in / have been in (sort of) long distance relationships?
sorry this is slightly rambly and probs doesn't make a lot of sense but i also just wanna say that you're not a terrible person at all!!! you've clearly taken a lot of time to try and unpack your emotions and are trying to be considerate of your bfs feelings too! i really wish you both the best and i'm sure you'll be able to work through it in time!
honestly thank you so much for this, i just need reassurance and i keep thinking about it non stop! none of my friends are in long distance relationships and i just don't want to sound ungrateful because they all love him to bits. i just want him to be happy and content with the love i give him because i defo have my mood swings and im difficult to open up but he's so understanding about it. its actually so scary how clearly he can see through me even when im being unsure and hesitant about the rs. i just hope it all clears up over time and we get through this, because i hate breakups and i don't even know how i would do that
Original post by Anonymous
hey, imma be honest i've never been in a long distance relationship so might be totally out of whack here but i definitely don't think you should be beating yourself up so much!! from what you've said, i feel like it makes total sense as to why you're feeling so disconnected now that you see him less compared to basically seeing him 24/7 - and that would be a toll on anyone's relationship let alone being 20 and trying to figure everything out!
it's obviously easy for me to say, but i wouldn't panic about the state of your relationship w your bf just yet esp since it seems like you still care about him a lot, and when do you see him in person things seem to go back to normal. obviously as life circumstances change and you grow up, your relationship isn't going to stay the exact same as a year ago - but if you still deep down have feelings for him then i'm sure you both can work through this!
one thing is, the texting thing. if you feel too much pressure to respond and it's beginning to feel like a chore, i think it may be a good idea to talk to him about that and maybe suggest alternatives? rather than texting every 10 mins, maybe just facetime every other day or something? so you still have regular communication with him but it might feel more authentic and less forced?
definitely don't keep all of this bottled up inside you, because i think everyone being aware of your relationship and having their own expectations has added even more pressure for you! are there any friends you know who are in / have been in (sort of) long distance relationships?
sorry this is slightly rambly and probs doesn't make a lot of sense but i also just wanna say that you're not a terrible person at all!!! you've clearly taken a lot of time to try and unpack your emotions and are trying to be considerate of your bfs feelings too! i really wish you both the best and i'm sure you'll be able to work through it in time!
it's obviously easy for me to say, but i wouldn't panic about the state of your relationship w your bf just yet esp since it seems like you still care about him a lot, and when do you see him in person things seem to go back to normal. obviously as life circumstances change and you grow up, your relationship isn't going to stay the exact same as a year ago - but if you still deep down have feelings for him then i'm sure you both can work through this!
one thing is, the texting thing. if you feel too much pressure to respond and it's beginning to feel like a chore, i think it may be a good idea to talk to him about that and maybe suggest alternatives? rather than texting every 10 mins, maybe just facetime every other day or something? so you still have regular communication with him but it might feel more authentic and less forced?
definitely don't keep all of this bottled up inside you, because i think everyone being aware of your relationship and having their own expectations has added even more pressure for you! are there any friends you know who are in / have been in (sort of) long distance relationships?
sorry this is slightly rambly and probs doesn't make a lot of sense but i also just wanna say that you're not a terrible person at all!!! you've clearly taken a lot of time to try and unpack your emotions and are trying to be considerate of your bfs feelings too! i really wish you both the best and i'm sure you'll be able to work through it in time!
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