Please mark my creative writing piece
I have the exam tomorrow and my story writing is not the best. I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks and my exam board is Eduqas.
Day trip
The sun was as bright as glittering diamonds as it shone over the calm waters of Weston. As the temperature got hotter and hotter, I decided to get an icecream in order to cool down. Once I took the pick of super sweet ice cream, I set off down the beach to explore, letting the cool ripples of water pass over my already sandy toes. Was this a good idea? Little did I know that the events that unfolded next made this day out the worst!
The squawking of what felt like hundreds of seagulls above startled me, sending me into an utter state of panic. Were they out to get my ice cream? They circled above me, their shrieking voices got increasingly louder like they were arguing over my delicious treat. Suddenly…. One swooped down, its beady eyes glared at me but it luckily missed. I continued dodging everyone in my path as I tried to outrun the flying beasts.
A passerby mocked “Looks like you're in a spot of bother!”
I continued running; jumping from side to side to try and avoid these evil masterminds. I finally slowed down, thinking I'd reached safety, but then, I spotted it in the corner of my eye. One of them had caught up. It swooped left and right. Its beady eyes eyed up my ice cream. Its large pointed beak opened and was ready to strike. It swooped. It dived. It snatched my ice cream from my firm grip. As soon as I looked up, it was gone. Gone before I could even say “Hey! Give me that back!”
Now what? I looked down at my hands, feeling upset and defeated to find that they were empty. Exhausted, I sat down on a rock that was as rough as sandpaper. I still craved an ice cream; I really wanted one but I had run so far that the ice cream was a tiny black dot in the distance. There was no point turning back. I got up slowly and headed in the opposite direction towards home.
I sulked and sighed all the home, dragging my sandy feet. All I desired was one ice cream, one! I turned the bend by the pier. The sounds of laughter and ride theme tunes filled the air. There was another noise, it was odd, not like any sound from the amusements. I turned the corner and to my greatest surprise there was an ice cream van singing its tune to gain the likes of passersby. I was so happy that a smile stretched across my face so big that it was like I was a kid in a candy shop. Of course, I couldn't resist and I purchased a strawberry ice cream with extra sauce and sprinkles to end my exciting and slightly scary adventure at the seaside.
Day trip
The sun was as bright as glittering diamonds as it shone over the calm waters of Weston. As the temperature got hotter and hotter, I decided to get an icecream in order to cool down. Once I took the pick of super sweet ice cream, I set off down the beach to explore, letting the cool ripples of water pass over my already sandy toes. Was this a good idea? Little did I know that the events that unfolded next made this day out the worst!
The squawking of what felt like hundreds of seagulls above startled me, sending me into an utter state of panic. Were they out to get my ice cream? They circled above me, their shrieking voices got increasingly louder like they were arguing over my delicious treat. Suddenly…. One swooped down, its beady eyes glared at me but it luckily missed. I continued dodging everyone in my path as I tried to outrun the flying beasts.
A passerby mocked “Looks like you're in a spot of bother!”
I continued running; jumping from side to side to try and avoid these evil masterminds. I finally slowed down, thinking I'd reached safety, but then, I spotted it in the corner of my eye. One of them had caught up. It swooped left and right. Its beady eyes eyed up my ice cream. Its large pointed beak opened and was ready to strike. It swooped. It dived. It snatched my ice cream from my firm grip. As soon as I looked up, it was gone. Gone before I could even say “Hey! Give me that back!”
Now what? I looked down at my hands, feeling upset and defeated to find that they were empty. Exhausted, I sat down on a rock that was as rough as sandpaper. I still craved an ice cream; I really wanted one but I had run so far that the ice cream was a tiny black dot in the distance. There was no point turning back. I got up slowly and headed in the opposite direction towards home.
I sulked and sighed all the home, dragging my sandy feet. All I desired was one ice cream, one! I turned the bend by the pier. The sounds of laughter and ride theme tunes filled the air. There was another noise, it was odd, not like any sound from the amusements. I turned the corner and to my greatest surprise there was an ice cream van singing its tune to gain the likes of passersby. I was so happy that a smile stretched across my face so big that it was like I was a kid in a candy shop. Of course, I couldn't resist and I purchased a strawberry ice cream with extra sauce and sprinkles to end my exciting and slightly scary adventure at the seaside.
Content and organisation - 11/24
Technical accuracy - 9/16
Overall - 20/40
You used some very nice similes in this as well as impressive personification: "there was an ice cream van singing its tune". In the exam, I would focus on consciously implementing metaphors and personification into your work. Also, there was a lot of opportunity to discuss the weather which could reflect the mood of the story. For example, when the birds are present the sky could be grey and there could be some rain and then at the end as we reach the happiest part of the story the weather could become sunny showing that everything is good again. There wasn't much ambitious vocabulary in the piece, which can easily be corrected. Structurally, I think there was scope for a one word or one sentence paragraph to emphasise your upset in this piece. For example, you could've isolated the phrase "Was this a good idea?" to make it stand out to the reader and make them intrigued in why you are so sceptical.
I would recommend rewriting this piece using synonym.com in order to improve you word choices. Also, you can focus on using language techniques.
You certainly have a lot of potential with a little more conscious crafting, so well done!
Technical accuracy - 9/16
Overall - 20/40
You used some very nice similes in this as well as impressive personification: "there was an ice cream van singing its tune". In the exam, I would focus on consciously implementing metaphors and personification into your work. Also, there was a lot of opportunity to discuss the weather which could reflect the mood of the story. For example, when the birds are present the sky could be grey and there could be some rain and then at the end as we reach the happiest part of the story the weather could become sunny showing that everything is good again. There wasn't much ambitious vocabulary in the piece, which can easily be corrected. Structurally, I think there was scope for a one word or one sentence paragraph to emphasise your upset in this piece. For example, you could've isolated the phrase "Was this a good idea?" to make it stand out to the reader and make them intrigued in why you are so sceptical.
I would recommend rewriting this piece using synonym.com in order to improve you word choices. Also, you can focus on using language techniques.
You certainly have a lot of potential with a little more conscious crafting, so well done!
Hi there, good luck on your exam!
You clearly show that you know your language techniques such as similes, crafting clear images and using a range of sentence lengths. One thing that you also do quite well is have a cohesive story; you have demonstrated that you have put thought into your story and developed a plan.
Perhaps you could experiment with using different paragraph lengths. You can isolate one sentence and use it in one paragraph for an extra effect, as the above person said ^ I also with @Georgeallen that you could include more metaphors.
I would recommend practising writing using all five senses: touch, taste, sight, smell and sound and going into detail to make your writing more immersive. “As the temperature got hotter and hotter” — you could describe the burning heat of the sand between your toes, sweat building on your back or forehead, how dry your throat feels etc. You have shown that you can go into some detail with the way you describe the seagulls. Your combined use of "squawking", "shrieking" and "arguing" proves that you can craft such aural imagery, so you can definitely do this!
These are only my suggestions. Your writing is quite solid and I agree that you have a lot of potential. Give it your all! And best of luck!
You clearly show that you know your language techniques such as similes, crafting clear images and using a range of sentence lengths. One thing that you also do quite well is have a cohesive story; you have demonstrated that you have put thought into your story and developed a plan.
Perhaps you could experiment with using different paragraph lengths. You can isolate one sentence and use it in one paragraph for an extra effect, as the above person said ^ I also with @Georgeallen that you could include more metaphors.
I would recommend practising writing using all five senses: touch, taste, sight, smell and sound and going into detail to make your writing more immersive. “As the temperature got hotter and hotter” — you could describe the burning heat of the sand between your toes, sweat building on your back or forehead, how dry your throat feels etc. You have shown that you can go into some detail with the way you describe the seagulls. Your combined use of "squawking", "shrieking" and "arguing" proves that you can craft such aural imagery, so you can definitely do this!
These are only my suggestions. Your writing is quite solid and I agree that you have a lot of potential. Give it your all! And best of luck!
please can you give me feedback on my creative writing for my exam, thanks.
As lie trapped in the suffocating
darkness of a heart races
muddy coffin, my with fear and
desperation. The weight of the soggy soil above
me, while eerie presses down upon
insects crawling
serenades from about echo in my
ears. How did I end up in this
predicament? I discerned
summoning every ounce of strength, I channelled my resolve
into
Shattering my earthly prison, with a final burst of might propelled myself upward, clawing through the damp earth until daylight embraced trembling body, I emerged gasping
for breath .
CA survivor amidst
shadows of a nightmare
Yet, rather than finding myself in the comforting
embrace of freedom
, ту
weary eyes fell upon a bewildering sight
I was standing in a grandiose auditorium , bathed in blinding lights as a cacophony of applause pierced my ears. confusion marred my senses as the truth unfolded. I was the newest contestant ora bizarre game show, a pawn in the hands of ar enigmatic host
As lie trapped in the suffocating
darkness of a heart races
muddy coffin, my with fear and
desperation. The weight of the soggy soil above
me, while eerie presses down upon
insects crawling
serenades from about echo in my
ears. How did I end up in this
predicament? I discerned
summoning every ounce of strength, I channelled my resolve
into
Shattering my earthly prison, with a final burst of might propelled myself upward, clawing through the damp earth until daylight embraced trembling body, I emerged gasping
for breath .
CA survivor amidst
shadows of a nightmare
Yet, rather than finding myself in the comforting
embrace of freedom
, ту
weary eyes fell upon a bewildering sight
I was standing in a grandiose auditorium , bathed in blinding lights as a cacophony of applause pierced my ears. confusion marred my senses as the truth unfolded. I was the newest contestant ora bizarre game show, a pawn in the hands of ar enigmatic host
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