english language story???

Could someone mark my story out of 40 using the eduqas mark scheme on page 13 of https://revisionworld.com/sites/revisionworld.com/files/imce/a20-C700U10-1-ms.pdf

(mark out of 40) (AO5 Communication and organisation 24 marks) (AO6 Vocabulary, sentence structure, spelling and punctuation 16 marks)

My Story:

Piercing pleas for help reverberated across the expansive countryside as a malicious man fled through the field, tightly clutching a bag brimming with money. Dark clouds gathered overhead as my gaze fell upon the startled family. Without hesitation, my legs surged with a pulsating urgency, pleading me to lend assistance. Raindrops, heavy as marbles, pelted my head, while gusts of wind threatened to knock me off balance. Sweat mingled with rain, drenching my clothes as I pressed forward. The thief's silhouette disappeared into a nearby forest, and without a moment's hesitation, I leaped in after him.

As I ventured deeper into the dense tangle of trees and bushes, sharp thorns scraped my arms, leaving behind painful trails. A palpable shift in the atmosphere permeated the air, transforming the oppressive silence into a medley of unfamiliar sounds. The uneven terrain began to level out, and with scars and bruises adorning my body, I emerged from the harrowing wilderness onto the peak of a hill overlooking a sprawling urban landscape. Amidst the urbanization, a solitary memorial caught my eye, its somber inscription shaking me to the core.

"World War III Fallen Soldiers."

My mind raced, urgency clawing at my chest. I needed to escape. In a panic, I turned back, only to be met with an unyielding marble wall stretching as far as the eye could see, a formidable barrier sealing my fate.

Rushing through the tranquil streets, desperate for a way back, I caught sight of a library, its shiny exterior casting blinding beams of light. I hurried inside, only to be confronted by a peculiar, wheeled contraption that bombarded me with questions, its high-pitched robotic voice leaving me uneasy. It offered me a brand-new rendition of Harry Potter, authored by the descendants of J.K. Rowling, presented on a tablet lighter than paper. The tablet displayed options of library rooms to be teleported to—'2028 Korean War Artefacts' and 'The Collapse of Mount Everest' provoked a surge of anxiety within me. Anger flared, filling my being from head to toe, as I stormed past the metallic sentinel and into the library, determined to find answers. I yearned to return, far away from the menacing reality I had stumbled upon.

Inside the building, emptiness greeted me. Four towering walls stood miles apart, devoid of any sign of life. The floors were barren, and the roof seemed to merge with the clouds above. Disoriented and bewildered, I sank to my knees, a helpless cry escaping my lips as hope faded away. My heart shattered into countless pieces as tears blurred my vision. A strange sense of failure radiated from within me, weakening my body. How had I arrived here? What were my family thinking? Could I ever find my way back home? Questions swirled, their answers beyond my reach.

Alone.

A thunderous thud shattered my moment of despair. A towering figure loomed over me, and before I could react, a firm hand tapped my shoulder. As I turned, my eyes caught sight of money spilling from a midnight duffle bag beside me. A chilling sensation crept down my spine like shards of glass from a shattered bottle, as I realized my fate had caught up with me.

Thanks, would be REALLY helpful for me please.

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 1

Georgeallen

9

That was an exceptional piece of writing, especially if it was done within the time given on this paper.

From the very first sentence it was clear that you was in the highest band and that was maintained throughout. There was very little linguistic opportunity for improvement. You covered it all: metaphors, personification, similes and pathetic fallacy. Each technique was perfectly integrated into your piece to create a very bold emotion for the reader. The vocabulary was very ambitious in the majority of this piece as well.

Structurally, it was again very very good. I was particularly impressed with the actual structure of your sentences. Each one felt incredibly well constructed and ideas flowed so seamlessly. The list of rhetorical question certainly helped to create the intended idea of overwhelm and discomfort. The ONLY thing I can really find to criticise here is that there wasn't many shorter sentences which would have been quite nice in this piece particularly to help create a sort of stuttered and confused tone. Additionally, there is always scope for one word/one sentence paragraphs in order to really emphasise a particular idea.

Besides that, there is very little that can be criticised about this piece. Well done!

My mark would be as follows:

Content and organisation: 23/24
Technical accuracy: 14/16
Overall: 37/40

Reply 2

English_Warrior

OP

10

Original post by Georgeallen

That was an exceptional piece of writing, especially if it was done within the time given on this paper.

From the very first sentence it was clear that you was in the highest band and that was maintained throughout. There was very little linguistic opportunity for improvement. You covered it all: metaphors, personification, similes and pathetic fallacy. Each technique was perfectly integrated into your piece to create a very bold emotion for the reader. The vocabulary was very ambitious in the majority of this piece as well.

Structurally, it was again very very good. I was particularly impressed with the actual structure of your sentences. Each one felt incredibly well constructed and ideas flowed so seamlessly. The list of rhetorical question certainly helped to create the intended idea of overwhelm and discomfort. The ONLY thing I can really find to criticise here is that there wasn't many shorter sentences which would have been quite nice in this piece particularly to help create a sort of stuttered and confused tone. Additionally, there is always scope for one word/one sentence paragraphs in order to really emphasise a particular idea.

Besides that, there is very little that can be criticised about this piece. Well done!

My mark would be as follows:

Content and organisation: 23/24
Technical accuracy: 14/16
Overall: 37/40

Wow, thank you so much that's so helpful.

Maybe before my last paragraph I could take out "I was alone" from the paragraph before it and have a stand along, penultimate paragraph of just "alone."?

I was wondering if my plot was maybe a bit too strange especially when the narrator stumbles across the library but do you think it fits in well?

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 3

Georgeallen

9

Original post by English_Warrior

Wow, thank you so much that's so helpful.

Maybe before my last paragraph I could take out "I was alone" from the paragraph before it and have a stand along, penultimate paragraph of just "alone."?

I was wondering if my plot was maybe a bit too strange especially when the narrator stumbles across the library but do you think it fits in well?

The one word paragraph looks good, yes. Definitely highlights the isolation of the character. I personally think that the plot for this question isn't massively important. Obviously a plot that makes sense and is easy to follow for the reader helps to prevent confusion for the examiner. However, in the limited time you aren't going to be able to progress very far in the plot unless it's a very very simple story with a lack of structure and ambitious vocabulary and devices. Therefore, I would consider your story not to be "too strange". It doesn't have to be realistic because of course this is a piece of creative writing and therefore your imagination is the limit. As long as you don't just jump from one place to another with no real explanation then you're absolutely fine!

Reply 4

ayeshaazmat

7

Original post by Georgeallen

The one word paragraph looks good, yes. Definitely highlights the isolation of the character. I personally think that the plot for this question isn't massively important. Obviously a plot that makes sense and is easy to follow for the reader helps to prevent confusion for the examiner. However, in the limited time you aren't going to be able to progress very far in the plot unless it's a very very simple story with a lack of structure and ambitious vocabulary and devices. Therefore, I would consider your story not to be "too strange". It doesn't have to be realistic because of course this is a piece of creative writing and therefore your imagination is the limit. As long as you don't just jump from one place to another with no real explanation then you're absolutely fine!

Bro please can you check my work too🙏 I would be very thankful
The New Job
Nervous, nauseous and nihilistic, I dragged myself out of bed. My confidence was at its nadir as I began dreading the long day ahead of me and pondered whether or not my first day at the office would go as smooth as the surface of a pebble. Every pixel of my skin felt deprived of energy.
And I had never felt so alone…
As I set about getting ready, I peered out into the everlasting obsidian sky, watching the snowflakes twirling and decorating the ground below like fragments of diamonds on the finest Indian silk. I shivered at the sight of the scintillating yet cold atmosphere and made a mental note to myself to dress accordingly.
I pulled on black trousers, a white cashmere jumper and a black blazer and stood in front of the mirror for a while, cerebrating over what accessories I should adorn myself with. In the end, I went for my Midas-kissed bracelets and a dainty necklace with my black handbag that I had practically packed the night before. Satisfied with my chic appearance, I hastily packed myself a clumsily-made sandwich, grabbed the keys and half tripped, half dashed my way down the apartment stairs as the lift was obstructively out of order. All the while, I cursed myself for choosing to wear heels…
To my dismay, the world seemed as busy as a beehive and I was overwhelmed by the sluggish rate at which the traffic pursued. Drumming my fingers against the wheel, I struggled to keep composure and began focusing on each individual pirouetting snowflake…
I was supposed to start at precisely seven and I just about managed to hurtle into the reception office to meet my boss, who was already promptly waiting for me. My heart was in my throat and anxiety choked me of my words but I needn’t have worried as he was a rather cheerful dear with a dazzlingly amiable smile and cerulean eyes that reflected his inner compassion but were dimmed of old age.
Senescence had begun to claim his face as it interlaced its roots around his features; his glasses magnified the loose voluminous folds of dark bags beneath his eyes. He held out his hand, introducing himself as Mr Juan Vanquez and led me to my own spacious and modern office room with a large window that boasted an aesthetic view overlooking the city. A fluffy dark cardinal rug lay stretched out under a sleek black desk and the walls were embellished with empty shelves - I was enraptured by all the possibilities I could bedeck my working space with.
He then proceeded to give me a tour around the cafe, lounge and other office rooms.
I was introduced to other members and felt rather relieved as everyone appeared much more cordial than the staff at my last job and greeted me gregariously. I even managed to befriend two women (named Zoe and Addie) which was rather something for me to be proud of as I had always considered myself as an introvert.
Zoe and Addie came over and kept me company during break after I had a long, tiring yet enjoyable tour and introduction.
Zoe had her hair parted into two ponytails, giving her a childlike essence to her; her dark cerise lipstick and aureolin eyeshadow seemed to bespeak her inner creativity as I learnt that she had previously received an award for her creative designs at the office that had brought in much profit.
Addie was beautifully dainty with long tumbling caramel curls swept back with a celadon headband adorned with pearls. She wore a malachite blazer over a cream top tucked into a black midi skirt. Her hazel eyes were bespangled with a shade of gleaming pistachio eyeshadow.
We swapped numbers and addresses and planned to meet up at the local cafe on the weekend.
Following break, I got to work with my team as we conceptualised a new clothing set and drew inspiration from a variety of sources, researched fashion trends and the buzzing ideas ricocheted and reverberated across the room - the meeting was such a success!
My first day at the office was a day in paradise, I thought later on the way home - everyone had a heart full of sunshine and were very easy and cooperative to work alongside with. Mr Vanquez even praised me for the productive meeting I had led and informed me I would very quickly be heading for a promotion and salary increase if I continued this way. Life seemed to be clear skies ahead for me.
Later feeling nobilitated, I nestled and nuzzled into bed for my nap, my heart now at ease…

english language story???

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