The Student Room Group

Is what I'm doing wrong?

hi, i have a boyfriend who ive officially been with for 2 months now, but we've known eachother for 5 years, and became exclusive about 10 months ago. I didnt want to get into a relationship at the time which is why we only made it official recently. But now that I'm more secure on him and feel like he's the one, theres been a lot of spirals since we became official.

im just not sure if its just a phase in our relationships but in one the arguements he was going to suggest taking a break, and it just really made me think like how easily he would let this go down. i understood his side of the arguement, but i would never ever think of going on a break because of that, especially with my reasons too.

i just dont feel like im heard sometimes and hes very stubborn and i dont know if i dont want to admit it but, immature? like there cant be an arguement where he doesnt try and justify why he did something, its only until it become a way bigger problem (in which we start going off of the main issue and to unresolved problems of the past) that he gives up and even then it just feels like hes taking responsiblity because he has to (he doesnt mean the apology?) i understand we both have flaws i under we could both be better at communicating but theres just these arguements that take a really significant toll on my day, and i cant have that with this new jump into sixth form in septemeber.

he also gets extremely disrespectful when we get into these arguements, and acts very nonchalant and becomes passive aggressive, making the resolution phase very hard and one sides. he gives replies like "ok" and tells me he doesnt care about the situation and that we should just let it be.

i love him so much and i dont want to have to change anything about him but i really do want to be able to address some things without it becoming a problem. any advice? thank you.

by the way he's also said in one of the recent issues that the next time something like that happens again he's done with us for good, which has just made me so scared to open up about how i feel or any problems i have with what hes done or is doing. its also made me think of how little he might treasure our relationship to just put a limit to it? its really worrying and the thing is hes not like this all the time. he's everything i havent had before in someone and thats why i like him so much but i just need to know whether or not these bickers and behaviours (mine too) are normal/healthy for a relationship, or what i can do better because i really dont want us to end or hurt his feelings
Reply 1
Rows are common in relationships and do bring out things that we don’t like in a partner. It’s fine if predominantly you love the person and the bumps are transient. I don’t like the sound of threatening breaks and splitting up, this is an unpleasant tactic even in the heat of the moment. I would discuss with him that if he loves you to stop doing this
Reply 2
Original post by Zarek
Rows are common in relationships and do bring out things that we don’t like in a partner. It’s fine if predominantly you love the person and the bumps are transient. I don’t like the sound of threatening breaks and splitting up, this is an unpleasant tactic even in the heat of the moment. I would discuss with him that if he loves you to stop doing this


i agree with u
Original post by Anonymous
hi, i have a boyfriend who ive officially been with for 2 months now, but we've known eachother for 5 years, and became exclusive about 10 months ago. I didnt want to get into a relationship at the time which is why we only made it official recently. But now that I'm more secure on him and feel like he's the one, theres been a lot of spirals since we became official.

im just not sure if its just a phase in our relationships but in one the arguements he was going to suggest taking a break, and it just really made me think like how easily he would let this go down. i understood his side of the arguement, but i would never ever think of going on a break because of that, especially with my reasons too.

i just dont feel like im heard sometimes and hes very stubborn and i dont know if i dont want to admit it but, immature? like there cant be an arguement where he doesnt try and justify why he did something, its only until it become a way bigger problem (in which we start going off of the main issue and to unresolved problems of the past) that he gives up and even then it just feels like hes taking responsiblity because he has to (he doesnt mean the apology?) i understand we both have flaws i under we could both be better at communicating but theres just these arguements that take a really significant toll on my day, and i cant have that with this new jump into sixth form in septemeber.

he also gets extremely disrespectful when we get into these arguements, and acts very nonchalant and becomes passive aggressive, making the resolution phase very hard and one sides. he gives replies like "ok" and tells me he doesnt care about the situation and that we should just let it be.

i love him so much and i dont want to have to change anything about him but i really do want to be able to address some things without it becoming a problem. any advice? thank you.

by the way he's also said in one of the recent issues that the next time something like that happens again he's done with us for good, which has just made me so scared to open up about how i feel or any problems i have with what hes done or is doing. its also made me think of how little he might treasure our relationship to just put a limit to it? its really worrying and the thing is hes not like this all the time. he's everything i havent had before in someone and thats why i like him so much but i just need to know whether or not these bickers and behaviours (mine too) are normal/healthy for a relationship, or what i can do better because i really dont want us to end or hurt his feelings


i hv heard of many break ups and i tell u the person is never the same.........

but i mean try talkin to im
Reply 3
Original post by Anonymous
hi, i have a boyfriend who ive officially been with for 2 months now, but we've known eachother for 5 years, and became exclusive about 10 months ago.

i just dont feel like im heard sometimes and hes very stubborn and i dont know if i dont want to admit it but, immature?

but theres just these arguements that take a really significant toll on my day, and i cant have that with this new jump into sixth form in septemeber.

i love him so much and i dont want to have to change anything about him but i really do want to be able to address some things without it becoming a problem.

So you're 16? If he's a similar age then yes, he will be immature. And so are you when you say you don't want to change anything about him, but you want him to change his behaviour! He's got you where he wants you and thinks he can take you for granted, and you don't know any differently.

You're getting into an important part of your education which you have recognised, and quite frankly you're better off concentrating on that and breaking up with him.
Reply 4
Original post by Surnia
So you're 16? If he's a similar age then yes, he will be immature. And so are you when you say you don't want to change anything about him, but you want him to change his behaviour! He's got you where he wants you and thinks he can take you for granted, and you don't know any differently.

You're getting into an important part of your education which you have recognised, and quite frankly you're better off concentrating on that and breaking up with him.

yes, 16. I understand that we can be immature but what do you mean when you talk about him changing his behaviour but not him as a whole?

is that really an option i have to take? breaking up with him? i just feel like we could work through this but then again its tiring and i dont want this to be something we're always experiencing.

thanks again for your advice.
Reply 5
Original post by Zarek
Rows are common in relationships and do bring out things that we don’t like in a partner. It’s fine if predominantly you love the person and the bumps are transient. I don’t like the sound of threatening breaks and splitting up, this is an unpleasant tactic even in the heat of the moment. I would discuss with him that if he loves you to stop doing this


i also thought that these arguments were common so im not sure if its just me being insensitive! i would just rather not get into difficult situatuions and if we do, i would like for them to be resolved with equal efforts and respect you know?

what if he takes that negatively? me bringing up the threatening
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous
yes, 16. I understand that we can be immature but what do you mean when you talk about him changing his behaviour but not him as a whole?

is that really an option i have to take? breaking up with him? i just feel like we could work through this but then again its tiring and i dont want this to be something we're always experiencing.

I'm quoting you. You said "I dont want to have to change anything about him", but if that was the case you wouldn't be posting on here; you do want to change his behaviour towards you, but you shouldn't have to do that in a relationship. A genuine person would know to treat their partner with love and care.

Try this. If a female friend said to you the guy she was dating was argumentative, stubborn, immature, disrespectful, nonchalant and passive aggressive, what would you say? "Yes, sounds like a great guy" or "What are you doing with someone like that, he sounds horrible"? All those phrases I've used are from you describing your boyfriend. You haven't said ONE positive thing about him; give me a reason to stay with him, because I can't see any.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
i also thought that these arguments were common so im not sure if its just me being insensitive! i would just rather not get into difficult situatuions and if we do, i would like for them to be resolved with equal efforts and respect you know?

what if he takes that negatively? me bringing up the threatening


Bring it up at a good moment. However, if you can’t get a respectful discussion on this, I would reflect if he is truly the right person. Sometimes it’s better to seize the initiative even if it is tough to do so
Original post by Anonymous
yes, 16. I understand that we can be immature but what do you mean when you talk about him changing his behaviour but not him as a whole?

is that really an option i have to take? breaking up with him? i just feel like we could work through this but then again its tiring and i dont want this to be something we're always experiencing.

thanks again for your advice.

Just break up with him he sounds like an idiot
Reply 9
Original post by Surnia
I'm quoting you. You said "I dont want to have to change anything about him", but if that was the case you wouldn't be posting on here; you do want to change his behaviour towards you, but you shouldn't have to do that in a relationship. A genuine person would know to treat their partner with love and care.

Try this. If a female friend said to you the guy she was dating was argumentative, stubborn, immature, disrespectful, nonchalant and passive aggressive, what would you say? "Yes, sounds like a great guy" or "What are you doing with someone like that, he sounds horrible"? All those phrases I've used are from you describing your boyfriend. You haven't said ONE positive thing about him; give me a reason to stay with him, because I can't see any.


i feel like its just hard to for me to believe that thats the best thing to do. he does treat me well when we're not arguing, which is why i was wondering if its something i should just brush off.

there are many positive things about him, but i just didnt say them because my issue was with how the arguements/communication go.

also i do hear your advice, its not that i dont want to take what seems like the harsh reality of it, but its its just hard to come to peace with especially when its your significant other.

thanks again
Reply 10
Original post by Zarek
Bring it up at a good moment. However, if you can’t get a respectful discussion on this, I would reflect if he is truly the right person. Sometimes it’s better to seize the initiative even if it is tough to do so


yes i was thinking about this. to have a really difficult but needed conversation, and if he doesnt want to listen or talk without feeling attacked, i think i'll have to think about whether this is what i want or not.

really hard decision to make and im scared that i might make the wrong one too.
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous
i feel like its just hard to for me to believe that thats the best thing to do. he does treat me well when we're not arguing, which is why i was wondering if its something i should just brush off.

there are many positive things about him, but i just didnt say them because my issue was with how the arguements/communication go.

also i do hear your advice, its not that i dont want to take what seems like the harsh reality of it, but its its just hard to come to peace with especially when its your significant other.

thanks again

He's only your significant other because he's probably your first real boyfriend and it's more akward because you've moved on from being friends, it's familiar and you maybe feel you have to stay together. It doesn't sound like he feels the same way and making excuses for him is a slippery slope.

"I don't want to hurt his feelings" and "He treats me well when we're not arguing"; you've known him for years, dated for 8 months, been officially together 2 months...I'm not saying couples don't argue, but what are yours about, and this early in a relationship?? He's already made it clear he's not interested in discussing things further, and lack of communication is a massive red flag.

You are very articulate and perceptive for your age. That's not meant to be patronising, but I'm saying you've recognised issues in your relationship, but also that a boyfriend isn't necessarily the best thing at this stage in your life when you are going into 6th Form. Do you think he'll support your studies, your exams, your future career choices, or will he continue to be a source of angst and have a negative effect on you? Time to prioritise.

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