LNAT essay feedback please
Hi, nobody at my school specializes in law and my LNAT is next Thursday but I'm yet to have received any feedback. I would really appreciate if I could give me some feedback on this practice essay I just did (done in timed conditions and without spell-check). Thanks so much!
Does the British education system do enough to promote entrepreneurship?
In recognising whether the British education system does a substantial amount to encourage students to pursue entrepreneur-based careers, it’s vital to understand quantitively what ‘enough’ and too much is. Presently, the education system orientates around core subjects with the typical ‘succesful’ student leaving their place of education to attend university or join apprenticeship schemes. However, is this typical structure of education suitable and sensible for most, or is the British system sluggish and unambitious?
Within the present structure, students are guided towards careers that are considered stable with reliable incomes. Arguably, this is advantageous for most, ensuring majority of the population is employed and fewer people will have to rely on benefits from the government. Historically unemployment has also been proved to correlate strongly with the unemployed’s mental health. During periods of de-industralization, where millions have been unemployed, there have been sharp increases of mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety due to feeling worthless to the wider society. Whilst some would regard many essential careers as boring and unfulfilling, their jobs are required for society to function properly and must be done. Therefore, it may be true that the cause of steering away from entreneurship is based on the fear that essential jobs will not be done and society will not be nearly as efficient as it is currently. Moreover, there is a greater risk of those attempting to create new businesses failing and being left unemployed rather than joining organisations which are already established, thus becoming reliant on the government and welfare to support them. From a Conservative perspective, this would be considered impractical and unjust for those who work hardest.
In today’s system, children are taught a selection of subjects to broaden their understanding of the world. In such limited time, only so many subjects can be presented to children, especially if they are to be understood at a deeper level. Despite it being possible to cover a greater volume of subjects at lower levels, as it stands, Britain’s system choses to specialize students into fewer subjects than many other countries. Nevertheless, statistically the British education system is regarded as one of the best with children choosing what they wish to pursue and focus their effort on from a fairly young age. Entrepreneurship skills can be enforced though other subjects already studied such as presenting ideas in projects, through the mandatory speeches they must do for their English GCSE and critical thinking in analysing texts. In addition, even day-to-day events such as charity bake-sales, arts and crafts, and many competitions to create project propositions are available for children to partake in. However, there is also an element of parental support to encourage their child to immerse themselves in these activites. Potentially, schools could do more to provide a greater amount of opportunities available to those who may not otherwise partake in such events. Regardless of this, schools already have an exstensively broad curriculum to ensure children have a well-rounded education.
To counter this, a world where 50% more of the population created a product or organisation could lead to a far more efficient and productive society. When Thatcher imposed policies of de-regulation and privatisation, there was an increase in productivity as people had less of a “safety-net”. A successful example is the development of the telecom in which a competitive market was created and it led to technological advancements. Those who feel a personal-connection and passion towards their job are far more likely to engage in it to a higher degree and typically, perfom better. Another point to consider is for those who are academically disadvantaged. Instead of being pushed towards doing the best they can in academic subjects, perhaps they should be lead towards building their own companies and even providing more suitable conditions for others who are less academically-inclined. Despite this, for majority of the population, to both ensure economic stability and employment, the current education system is seen as more effective than increasing entreprenuership to prevent more people relying on benefits.
To summarise, whilst entrepreneurship encourages creativity and is necessary for market growth, there’s many arguments to support it being a path that should only be taken with the correct amount of economic stability already in place. Invaluable subject skills are taught in schools as they’re difficult to learn without being taught, but entrepreneurship can be developed outside education systems and so should be done in student’s own time.
Does the British education system do enough to promote entrepreneurship?
In recognising whether the British education system does a substantial amount to encourage students to pursue entrepreneur-based careers, it’s vital to understand quantitively what ‘enough’ and too much is. Presently, the education system orientates around core subjects with the typical ‘succesful’ student leaving their place of education to attend university or join apprenticeship schemes. However, is this typical structure of education suitable and sensible for most, or is the British system sluggish and unambitious?
Within the present structure, students are guided towards careers that are considered stable with reliable incomes. Arguably, this is advantageous for most, ensuring majority of the population is employed and fewer people will have to rely on benefits from the government. Historically unemployment has also been proved to correlate strongly with the unemployed’s mental health. During periods of de-industralization, where millions have been unemployed, there have been sharp increases of mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety due to feeling worthless to the wider society. Whilst some would regard many essential careers as boring and unfulfilling, their jobs are required for society to function properly and must be done. Therefore, it may be true that the cause of steering away from entreneurship is based on the fear that essential jobs will not be done and society will not be nearly as efficient as it is currently. Moreover, there is a greater risk of those attempting to create new businesses failing and being left unemployed rather than joining organisations which are already established, thus becoming reliant on the government and welfare to support them. From a Conservative perspective, this would be considered impractical and unjust for those who work hardest.
In today’s system, children are taught a selection of subjects to broaden their understanding of the world. In such limited time, only so many subjects can be presented to children, especially if they are to be understood at a deeper level. Despite it being possible to cover a greater volume of subjects at lower levels, as it stands, Britain’s system choses to specialize students into fewer subjects than many other countries. Nevertheless, statistically the British education system is regarded as one of the best with children choosing what they wish to pursue and focus their effort on from a fairly young age. Entrepreneurship skills can be enforced though other subjects already studied such as presenting ideas in projects, through the mandatory speeches they must do for their English GCSE and critical thinking in analysing texts. In addition, even day-to-day events such as charity bake-sales, arts and crafts, and many competitions to create project propositions are available for children to partake in. However, there is also an element of parental support to encourage their child to immerse themselves in these activites. Potentially, schools could do more to provide a greater amount of opportunities available to those who may not otherwise partake in such events. Regardless of this, schools already have an exstensively broad curriculum to ensure children have a well-rounded education.
To counter this, a world where 50% more of the population created a product or organisation could lead to a far more efficient and productive society. When Thatcher imposed policies of de-regulation and privatisation, there was an increase in productivity as people had less of a “safety-net”. A successful example is the development of the telecom in which a competitive market was created and it led to technological advancements. Those who feel a personal-connection and passion towards their job are far more likely to engage in it to a higher degree and typically, perfom better. Another point to consider is for those who are academically disadvantaged. Instead of being pushed towards doing the best they can in academic subjects, perhaps they should be lead towards building their own companies and even providing more suitable conditions for others who are less academically-inclined. Despite this, for majority of the population, to both ensure economic stability and employment, the current education system is seen as more effective than increasing entreprenuership to prevent more people relying on benefits.
To summarise, whilst entrepreneurship encourages creativity and is necessary for market growth, there’s many arguments to support it being a path that should only be taken with the correct amount of economic stability already in place. Invaluable subject skills are taught in schools as they’re difficult to learn without being taught, but entrepreneurship can be developed outside education systems and so should be done in student’s own time.
Just a disclaimer i’m a fellow law applicant, don’t have any credible experience in LNAT essays.
Introduction:
1. Your thesis statement seems a bit lost in the introduction. As argumentative essays specifically aim to discuss the thesis, you’re making your life more difficult by not providing a clear statement.
Main body:
1. State your argument clearly before you go on to explain it.
2. Structure the arguments. You only have two paragraphs, for and against. I think it would be better if you would separate the arguments more
3. What does the British system actually do for entrepreneurship already? You should state that before you evaluate. If you do not provide this information first you have no basis to comment on the topic.
4. Evaluation should come before stating what you think should be done. The essay’s aim is not to answer if or how changes should be implemented. Main points should be discussing advantages and disadvantages of the current system.
4. You’re straying too far from the topic. The historical remarks are really interesting and demonstrate your knowledge but I find that the essay is too short to include so much detail.
5. You’re making too many assertions and generalisations. “Moreover, there is a greater risk of those attempting to create new businesses failing and being left unemployed rather than joining organisations which are already established, thus becoming reliant on the government and welfare to support them.”. This argument could be easily countered and makes assumptions based on data you do not have access to. Unless you can provide a thorough analysis of impact of promotion of entrepreneurship on the labour market, I would suggest staying away from that.
Conclusion:
6. You’re not actually answering the question in the conclusion. You point out pros and cons of teaching entrepreneurship at schools but that was not the question. While you can put those reflections in the main body, conclusion should link to your thesis statement.
Language:
1. Some of the sentences seem really wordy, unnecessarily.
2. Your vocabulary range is clearly very wide which is of course a good thing but sometimes it‘s too much and disturbs the flow of the essay.
3. This is more controversial but I felt like there were too many linking words, providing little division between different points.
Overall I think the essay is really good though and believe you will do really well on the exam. I’m mostly just nitpicking trying to help you improve
. Best of luck!!!!!
Introduction:
1. Your thesis statement seems a bit lost in the introduction. As argumentative essays specifically aim to discuss the thesis, you’re making your life more difficult by not providing a clear statement.
Main body:
1. State your argument clearly before you go on to explain it.
2. Structure the arguments. You only have two paragraphs, for and against. I think it would be better if you would separate the arguments more
3. What does the British system actually do for entrepreneurship already? You should state that before you evaluate. If you do not provide this information first you have no basis to comment on the topic.
4. Evaluation should come before stating what you think should be done. The essay’s aim is not to answer if or how changes should be implemented. Main points should be discussing advantages and disadvantages of the current system.
4. You’re straying too far from the topic. The historical remarks are really interesting and demonstrate your knowledge but I find that the essay is too short to include so much detail.
5. You’re making too many assertions and generalisations. “Moreover, there is a greater risk of those attempting to create new businesses failing and being left unemployed rather than joining organisations which are already established, thus becoming reliant on the government and welfare to support them.”. This argument could be easily countered and makes assumptions based on data you do not have access to. Unless you can provide a thorough analysis of impact of promotion of entrepreneurship on the labour market, I would suggest staying away from that.
Conclusion:
6. You’re not actually answering the question in the conclusion. You point out pros and cons of teaching entrepreneurship at schools but that was not the question. While you can put those reflections in the main body, conclusion should link to your thesis statement.
Language:
1. Some of the sentences seem really wordy, unnecessarily.
2. Your vocabulary range is clearly very wide which is of course a good thing but sometimes it‘s too much and disturbs the flow of the essay.
3. This is more controversial but I felt like there were too many linking words, providing little division between different points.
Overall I think the essay is really good though and believe you will do really well on the exam. I’m mostly just nitpicking trying to help you improve
. Best of luck!!!!!Quick Reply
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