The Student Room Group

mixed signals

i want to preface this by saying i really do not want to cut him off, so please only suggest that if that is your last option. i would rather try to make things work somehow and rekindle the attraction or win him back.

i'm currently on exchange in a different country in the other side of the world and also been out of my longest relationship for about 5 months now and single in university for the first time ever which is still crazy to me. i'm not looking to rush into another relationship and want to take things slow, and i've started to venture into the life of dating apps. i mentioned that i was looking for a short term relationship and if things go well then a long term one because i wasn't sure how a long distance relationship would work, and wanted to see where things go but get back on the dating scene. i've realised what im looking for seems to be a non-exclusive relationship or a situationship of sorts, not just a ****buddy but an emotional connection. i get that not everyone would want such a thing but i felt like it would work best for me with the fact that i was in the new country for only a year.

during this time i met this guy who i shared a very genuine emotional connection with almost immediately (i don't mean trauma dumping i just meant how we clicked and were able to open up to each other with ease). the chemistry was crazy for someone who i just met on a dating app. one of our first conversations was about what we were looking for and i made it clear that i was looking for an emotional connection, dates and sex essentially in a non-exclusive relationship/situationship and he agreed because he said he was looking for something like that as well, while i was leaving the country after my exchange, he was leaving the country being deployed around the same time and hated the hookup culture but wanted less than an actual relationship. he asked me out for a double date with his friend which his friends' date cancelled on, and then he asked me out for a date later that week, which i agreed to. after talking non-stop for a few days, and falling asleep to call with each other, he said he didn't want to wait and we met up later that night and talked till the morning. what happened next i regret now but i didn't back then which was that we slept together, and the condom broke. i wasn't worried about sti's because he hadn't slept with anyone else in the same city for a few months before me and we both we were long term partners beforehand and there were no concerns, but he paid for the morning after pill which was expensive and for a man who doesn't make much on military wage he said he couldn't take me out on a proper date and so he ordered in pizza and we stayed in and later invited friends over and went out clubbing which was a fun night but really date-like? i mentioned this and he said he would take me out on a proper date when his next salary comes in and i agreed, and we kept talking and things were going well, until they were not.

his friends started raising concerns about how he was getting too attached to me and he should ghost me because that is not the military culture which i thought was bs, and he didnt want to cut me off so he told me what they said and stayed talking to me regardless. looking back im worried this was just one of his ways of emotionally trying to control me or show me that he does have options and could leave. he became more possessive and controlling in the sense that he was easily jealous of other men talking to me (he once took my phone away forcefully and wouldn't let me go and get it holding me down playfully, and then sent snaps over to other men I was talking to with him in the picture and captioning the snaps with things that were triggering and belittling knowing he would get a response; or unfriending men i was talking to claiming they were toxic), he would make passive aggressive comments about other men getting me flowers claiming that they were not my favorite kind and how they should know better when he never got me flowers in the first place. he saw that i posted another man on my public story and him on my private (the pictures of him and i were more cuddly whereas it was just a picture of another guy) and called me up to tell me that he was not just one of my hoes and he is trying to be my friend and i am toying with feelings not realizing these are actual human beings. This came from the same man who would be on his tinder, right after sex while he was still cuddling me? The double standard upset me but i reminded myself that it was part of being non-exclusive and we could navigate this easily.

It became more of an issue when he freaked about how possessive he was getting, and that he was getting more clingy and overly romantic - running over to my house when he got drunk with his friends and freaking out bout another woman trying to kiss him, and while it was unsaid we didn't sleep with another else during this period. When he freaked out he pulled away and didn't text me as much, got into a fight with his ex who he was on good terms with just as I was with mine, and told me he missed the relationship bits of stuff. I thought this meant that he would finally take me out on that date he promised, i reassured him and then he told me he slept with the ex out of pure lust which I was also okay with since they hadn't seen each other since the breakup and I expected it. But then he told me he'd been asking other women in our town out on dates and they've rejected him, and I brought up our date and he told me that he didn't want a relationship and he didn't want to take me out on a date because he wanted to save dates for women he actually wanted to date. This really hurt me because he was no longer avoiding dates or relationships overall, he was just avoiding taking me out and disrespecting me because he didn't care enough or he got what he wanted. I brought this up with him which escalated to a fight and he said that he could never be the person I want him to and its true that i reminded him of his ex but his ex would never threaten to leave over a small fight, and that he does care about me and he cares about me the same way he always has and its not just about sex for him and we could just be friends because he doesn't want to toy with my emotions, but he also doesn't want me to leave because id be throwing it all away, and it was all in my head about him pulling away but then he also texted saying he is sorry for being distracted and not texting me much he just has been talking to his ex again and things are going well but he cant wait to see me when he's back?

I'm not even sure what he wants anymore honestly, I don't know what he wants from me. I do care about him a lot still and my friends think i should cut him off because he's gaslighting me and being an emotional manipulator. I can't seem to get him off my mind, and honestly I just want him to admit he likes me, I want him to actually take me out. I want him to realize that he's treating me terribly and that I will leave if he doesn't change his ways because it hurts me.
Reply 1
well this is kinda funny, don't worry about it guys, he got back together with the ex he cheated on and broke up with thrice before

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