Depressed about Oxford Offer
Essentially, I’ve been pooled from the college I chose to St. Hilda’s, which objectively speaking is a really nice college, but my parents found out it had the highest acceptance rate out of all the colleges, this re-allocation makes me feel a second rate candidate and my parents have been incredibly disappointed in me since the offer came through. I feel genuinely so upset by the fact that after everything I put into my subject, I still wasn’t strong to enter the college of my preference. Nobody in my family even properly congratulated me, I feel like such a failure.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
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Oh wow, your parents really need a reality check if they're genuinely disappointed. Could it be your own disappointment that you're seeing reflected in them perhaps? But seriously, there is absolutely everything to celebrate in your offer!! Wow. Really impressed here!
As you said look at those "wonderful people in your year that were unfortunately rejected"..then imagine how lucky you are. Forget about Oxford, even getting to any uni is an amazing achievement and hard work to be proud of. If your Family is sad then that is their problem...you should be happy and proud of you.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Essentially, I’ve been pooled from the college I chose to St. Hilda’s, which objectively speaking is a really nice college, but my parents found out it had the highest acceptance rate out of all the colleges, this re-allocation makes me feel a second rate candidate and my parents have been incredibly disappointed in me since the offer came through. I feel genuinely so upset by the fact that after everything I put into my subject, I still wasn’t strong to enter the college of my preference. Nobody in my family even properly congratulated me, I feel like such a failure.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
Firstly, well done! It's an incredibly difficult thing to get into Oxford, you should be proud of yourself. Secondly, seriously - it's like SilverPebble says: it's your parents that have the issue here. I'm sorry your family haven't congratulated you, and that you don't feel able to enjoy the good news, because they don't seem to be satisfied, of getting an acceptance offer to study at one of the most prestigious universities in the world.
Sadly your problem is not all that unusual. In the long-term, proper psychoanalytic therapy is the best thing to help process this kind of stuff. In the immediate term, I'd recommend this video that was just released (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aivpDPCP7Q8), with one of the best and most successful footballers of his era (now retired), talking about very similar issues to do with his dad never being impressed with his success and how that deeply affected him emotionally throughout his life and stopped him enjoying his success. I hope this may be helpful in some way, and that you don't let your family's difficulties drag you down when you should be celebrating,
All the best
bro ppl (at cambridge anyway) who get pooled usually end up doing better than ppl who were accepted into their first choice college anyway. strange i know. but show ur first choice college they made a mistake! Come top of the year in first year and the admissions tutor will feel so silly! there's a guy at my college in cambridge who was rejected flat out from oxford but reapplied to cambridge and has come top of the year like every year. Dw abt pooling - it's a tiny silly bit of shuffling around - just celebrate that you're in!! Loosen up a bit yk
Original post by Naturwissen
This is was genuinely super encouraging, I think I really have been taking all of this a bit too seriously but it’s been a very emotionally intense time and it has definitely gotten to me. I think my school and home environment is making me forget that I’m about to spend the next 4 years studying a subject in one of the best (if not THE best) university in the world, and I’ll love it!
Thanks to everyone on this thread for the advice, I’ll still probably get sad from time to time but I’ll just have to put in the effort to see the big picture.
Thanks to everyone on this thread for the advice, I’ll still probably get sad from time to time but I’ll just have to put in the effort to see the big picture.
When you feel sad come back here and there are tons of nice people possibly went or going through similar and ready to help
Original post by Anonymous #1
Essentially, I’ve been pooled from the college I chose to St. Hilda’s, which objectively speaking is a really nice college, but my parents found out it had the highest acceptance rate out of all the colleges, this re-allocation makes me feel a second rate candidate and my parents have been incredibly disappointed in me since the offer came through. I feel genuinely so upset by the fact that after everything I put into my subject, I still wasn’t strong to enter the college of my preference. Nobody in my family even properly congratulated me, I feel like such a failure.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
The numbers are so small that the acceptance rate is kind of meaningless, so it definitely doesn't mean you're a poor applicant. Your college of choice perhaps preferred the three (or however many) people they admitted, but you have no idea if they're three exceptional applicants. Small numbers can produce results that are outliers so being pooled doesn't even mean that you were below average across those who were admitted.
What we know for sure is three things:
1.
Your choice of college thought you were a very good applicant and so put you in the pool.
2.
St Hilda's liked you more than pretty much everyone else who applied there and more than loads of other people in the pool.
3.
You did better than all the people who didn't get in for your subject, which could be several hundred people depending on what you applied for.
My daughter was pooled, our understanding of that situation is not that you were a weaker candidate at all. Statistically on any course that is allocating places on predicted results, a few students (only the admissions team have the data on %'s per course) won't meet the grades required to take up their offer and the pooled candidates are there to take those places. Oxford need to be confident that those candidates will be in a position to take those offers, so there is no point having pooled candidates who also fail to meet their offers leaving gaps in the numbers. So pooled candidates have to be of a calibre that can thrive in any college they are allocated to, and be in a position to take that place up - so they are not weaker candidates at all. There may have been other factors that made your original college choice pool you but the notion that you were bumped out purely because there were stronger candidates is a fiction. Imposter syndrome is very real amongst students who are accepted into Oxford and thinking that this college pooling is some kind of bin for less worthy students is a nonsense and you need to stop thinking like that.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Essentially, I’ve been pooled from the college I chose to St. Hilda’s, which objectively speaking is a really nice college, but my parents found out it had the highest acceptance rate out of all the colleges, this re-allocation makes me feel a second rate candidate and my parents have been incredibly disappointed in me since the offer came through. I feel genuinely so upset by the fact that after everything I put into my subject, I still wasn’t strong to enter the college of my preference. Nobody in my family even properly congratulated me, I feel like such a failure.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
you should be nothing but proud of yourself! at the end of the day it’s YOU who has done all the hard work YOU who did the interview prep and YOU who got stood out with a fantastic application. obviously your parents have been supportive and helped (although maybe not much if the first thing they feel is disappointment from hearing the news that their child got into the best uni in the country but thats neither here or there…) but your hard work has paid off and you should feel good. truthfully the pooling system is a matter of some luck and you can feel a bit upset about this bc maybe you really specifically liked that original college and it’s not EXACTLY what you wanted - this is completely valid! you are going to do amazing things in the future with your degree and you deserve to be around people who will congratulate truly and accept you unconditionally when the time comes! well done and relax a bit before a levels you’ve earned it xxx
Original post by Anonymous #1
Essentially, I’ve been pooled from the college I chose to St. Hilda’s, which objectively speaking is a really nice college, but my parents found out it had the highest acceptance rate out of all the colleges, this re-allocation makes me feel a second rate candidate and my parents have been incredibly disappointed in me since the offer came through. I feel genuinely so upset by the fact that after everything I put into my subject, I still wasn’t strong to enter the college of my preference. Nobody in my family even properly congratulated me, I feel like such a failure.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
No offence, but this is the silliest post I have read this year. There were loads of fantastic candidates that were rejected. It is absurd that your concern is that you were pooled. You need to gain some perspective. What happens if you don't make the grades in August, will you be disowned?
Please think about it. Good luck
Original post by ohyegodsmyroast
bro ppl (at cambridge anyway) who get pooled usually end up doing better than ppl who were accepted into their first choice college anyway. strange i know. but show ur first choice college they made a mistake! Come top of the year in first year and the admissions tutor will feel so silly! there's a guy at my college in cambridge who was rejected flat out from oxford but reapplied to cambridge and has come top of the year like every year. Dw abt pooling - it's a tiny silly bit of shuffling around - just celebrate that you're in!! Loosen up a bit yk
Excellent post. To imagine a Mathmo at Downing complaining that he was pooled from Trinity would be incredibly odd.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Essentially, I’ve been pooled from the college I chose to St. Hilda’s, which objectively speaking is a really nice college, but my parents found out it had the highest acceptance rate out of all the colleges, this re-allocation makes me feel a second rate candidate and my parents have been incredibly disappointed in me since the offer came through. I feel genuinely so upset by the fact that after everything I put into my subject, I still wasn’t strong to enter the college of my preference. Nobody in my family even properly congratulated me, I feel like such a failure.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
I’m only posting on tsr because I obviously can’t talk about it in school because that would be disrespectful to all of the wonderful people in my year that were unfortunately rejected.
Any advice or information on how to handle this sort of feeling would be greatly appreciated, I want to learn how to look forward to my time there but I’m finding it hard to do that when my family just isn’t behind me.
Your parents are actually being ridiculous, I hope you know that. You got into Oxford!!! College acceptance rates are basically meaningless and your parents are over-interpreting things far too much. I'm sorry that they've apparently tried so hard to make the worst of this situation. You've done amazing and you should be so proud of yourself.
I don't know if this helps at all but I was in a similar-ish situation - not necessarily with my family but feeling like a failure over something tiny. Basically I was in the 2020 cohort that got government assessed grades, as far as I know most people on my course at my college (and quite a few at the college in general) got downgraded from their teacher grades and missed offers. College managed to find space for most of them but I was one of a small group that got rejected because of it. I felt like an absolute failure because obviously the grades were out of my control and a lot of people were in the same situation with those - I figured that my application was the weakest in other respects for them to specifically reject me when lots of people got shown leniency. When the government switched to teacher assessed grades after they realised how unfair it all was I got my place back but I still had this feeling of failure hanging over me in that I thought I was the worst student there and only got in on a technicality. And honestly it took ages to deal with that and what helped the most was actually just getting on with the course and quickly realising I could do it and was not in fact rubbish, I was literally at Oxford, and they liked me enough to offer me a place in the first place. I've graduated now and I won a prize for my performance in finals which I feel like shows that those tiny decisions about who gets pooled (or in my very specific case who gets rejected lol) are kind of random - when you get down to it on that level it's probably more luck than any grand prediction about who is more worthy of Oxford.
Do you have anyone else you could celebrate with, like friends or more extended family? Or if not is there anything you could just do for yourself as a form of celebration (even if its as small as buying some food you really like or something)? I think celebrating yourself will also help - just because your parents want you to feel like a failure doesn't mean you have to listen to them.
Original post by Wired_1800
No offence, but this is the silliest post I have read this year. There were loads of fantastic candidates that were rejected. It is absurd that your concern is that you were pooled. You need to gain some perspective. What happens if you don't make the grades in August, will you be disowned?
Please think about it. Good luck
Please think about it. Good luck
Totally - its pretty insulting as well. Here is the reality - acknowledged by Oxford themselves - better, more capable candidates have been rejected on the basis of a subjective interview. The OP got a place - if they are now going to go around depressed because they got pooled, then perhaps they should spend a minute in the shoes of people equally as, or more capable than them, who got rejected on the whim of an interviewer.
Original post by Anonymous #5
Totally - its pretty insulting as well. Here is the reality - acknowledged by Oxford themselves - better, more capable candidates have been rejected on the basis of a subjective interview. The OP got a place - if they are now going to go around depressed because they got pooled, then perhaps they should spend a minute in the shoes of people equally as, or more capable than them, who got rejected on the whim of an interviewer.
I find such people to be silly. Imagine studying with them next year with the lack of knowledge that they look down on you because of your College.
Original post by Wired_1800
I find such people to be silly. Imagine studying with them next year with the lack of knowledge that they look down on you because of your College.
Totally - anyway good luck to them.
25%of offer holders are reallocated to a different college.St Hilda's is off the beaten track and often not noticed on open days.Chrustchurch on the other hand is slap bang in the middle of Oxford and very imposing so everyone knows about it ergo it gets way more applications than one like St Hilda's.Show your ignorant parents the acceptance stats for your subject and then ignore any further comment.
I want to re-iterate to the people on this thread who feel that I may 'look down' on others according to their college- I disagree with this sentiment. I know that St. Hilda's is beautiful, and the tutor who interviewed me is lovely; for me, St. Hilda's is, as I have said, an objectively good college. I just felt terrible that my parents disagreed and did not share in my celebration as a result. I did not expect this reaction from my parents, who have, in all other cases, been incredibly kind to me. Their response caught me off guard, led me to question my abilities, and sent me on this strange spiral into an impostor syndrome I admit I have not yet entirely managed my way out of.
I know that being 'depressed about an Oxford offer' is bordering on being oxymoronic, so I turned to TSR to share anonymously in hopes of getting some sense talked into me, and to the people who did just that, I thank you, some of the responses here are genuinely incredibly insightful and logical and help to knock what I'm feeling away. I have to say, I didn't know much about the Oxford admission system. I applied with the expectation of rejection, so when I got pooled, I just didn't know what to feel (was I effectively just rejected by a college or did some other college just like me better? I literally had no idea what it meant) so my parents' reactions just cemented my worst fear that I didn't really deserve an offer, that it was just dumb luck (which on some level it probably was, as most things like this are). But there are clearly more of you who know it better, and your explanation helped me understand what had happened, which helped clear up my misconceptions. A few also leapt to leave some rather caustic replies. They were a bit unnecessary, a bit pointless and assumed the worst of me, but TSR is a hellscape, so it is to be slightly expected lmao
thanks!
I know that being 'depressed about an Oxford offer' is bordering on being oxymoronic, so I turned to TSR to share anonymously in hopes of getting some sense talked into me, and to the people who did just that, I thank you, some of the responses here are genuinely incredibly insightful and logical and help to knock what I'm feeling away. I have to say, I didn't know much about the Oxford admission system. I applied with the expectation of rejection, so when I got pooled, I just didn't know what to feel (was I effectively just rejected by a college or did some other college just like me better? I literally had no idea what it meant) so my parents' reactions just cemented my worst fear that I didn't really deserve an offer, that it was just dumb luck (which on some level it probably was, as most things like this are). But there are clearly more of you who know it better, and your explanation helped me understand what had happened, which helped clear up my misconceptions. A few also leapt to leave some rather caustic replies. They were a bit unnecessary, a bit pointless and assumed the worst of me, but TSR is a hellscape, so it is to be slightly expected lmao
thanks!
Sorry, I just wanted to make another post quickly; some of you are genuinely so sweet here; my parents might not be so happy, but I think I need to be reminded that getting into Oxford is such an amazing and coveted opportunity, and I am so excited to be starting my course :]. Thank you for helping me see that; I have decided that my parent's reaction doesn't have much basis to it as they don't see the concept of getting into Oxford as anything too note-worthy. This is likely just them not really being exposed to much information about higher education rather than having high standards (my family is completely devoid of anyone who has been educated at a university) as they are completely removed from that realm; to them, it just looked like I had gotten rejected.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Sorry, I just wanted to make another post quickly; some of you are genuinely so sweet here; my parents might not be so happy, but I think I need to be reminded that getting into Oxford is such an amazing and coveted opportunity, and I am so excited to be starting my course :]. Thank you for helping me see that; I have decided that my parent's reaction doesn't have much basis to it as they don't see the concept of getting into Oxford as anything too note-worthy. This is likely just them not really being exposed to much information about higher education rather than having high standards (my family is completely devoid of anyone who has been educated at a university) as they are completely removed from that realm; to them, it just looked like I had gotten rejected.
that’s great and guess they will be proud of you whatever you do rather than anchoring that to where you study for your degree
( it’s understandable that they don’t get the whole college picture as unless you’ve been through this process, how would you grasp it)
Original post by Anonymous #1
Sorry, I just wanted to make another post quickly; some of you are genuinely so sweet here; my parents might not be so happy, but I think I need to be reminded that getting into Oxford is such an amazing and coveted opportunity, and I am so excited to be starting my course :]. Thank you for helping me see that; I have decided that my parent's reaction doesn't have much basis to it as they don't see the concept of getting into Oxford as anything too note-worthy. This is likely just them not really being exposed to much information about higher education rather than having high standards (my family is completely devoid of anyone who has been educated at a university) as they are completely removed from that realm; to them, it just looked like I had gotten rejected.
Well I am glad we have helped and wish you well on your Oxford journey.For those of us that know any offer is an offer to study at Oxford.The rest is just accommodation really.
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