The Student Room Group

Valentine's with a friend

Usually Valentine's was a special day for me and my ex. We first met on Valentine's. Even when we broke up and even when he already was in a new relationship with the one who is his wife now, we were still celebrating our day. It was never weird and although we are not friends with his wife, like she doesn't want to even speak to me, she is ok with him having me as a best friend and ok with us celebrating Valentine's.
This year we agreed to skip it. Just because it was not fitting his busy schedule and I didn't want to travel to another town (health concerns). So I ended up with two dates. Lunch with a male friend and dinner with a friend who is bi and poly (like me) and was really ok with just a friendly date, nothing too romantic. We tried something romantic once but I'm still to awkward and inexperienced with girls. We decided to just stay friends with common interests.

Saturday I received an invitation from the guy to a dinner date. When I refused he said he is sorry and he thought I was into him. I did clarify that we are just friends and I just wanted to spend some good time with someone close on Valentine's, he knows that from the start. I felt so sorry for him that I agrees for another friendly date. We spent time so well. I think I do start developing some kind of feelings for him, because spending time with him is feeling my batteries so good, like I'm so happy after that, I missed that feeling so much.
The guy knows I am bi and poly, but he is straight and mono and I had some bad experience with that kind of a relationship previously so I'm a bit afraid to enter one like this again. Also, he is much younger, like 4 years younger, which is not a huge gap at our age, but still.
I don't know what should I do.
you're a huge red flag just by having to celebrate valentine's w ur ex after u broke up + after he got married. Does she know and is okay w that? Save this guy big time and don't date him
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous #1
you're a huge red flag just by having to celebrate valentine's w ur ex after u broke up + after he got married. Does she know and is okay w that? Save this guy big time and don't date him

She knows that. We discussed that. We are very good friends with my ex, I consider him my best friend (I'm pretty sure he considers me his best female friend too). The thing with his wife is that she doesn't want to be involved in our friendship, she knows he values it very much and I value him very much.
There is a difference between a date date and a friendly date.
And we are talking about two different guys. The one I'm talking about is not my ex.
Original post by Kathy89
Usually Valentine's was a special day for me and my ex. We first met on Valentine's. Even when we broke up and even when he already was in a new relationship with the one who is his wife now, we were still celebrating our day. It was never weird and although we are not friends with his wife, like she doesn't want to even speak to me, she is ok with him having me as a best friend and ok with us celebrating Valentine's.
This year we agreed to skip it. Just because it was not fitting his busy schedule and I didn't want to travel to another town (health concerns). So I ended up with two dates. Lunch with a male friend and dinner with a friend who is bi and poly (like me) and was really ok with just a friendly date, nothing too romantic. We tried something romantic once but I'm still to awkward and inexperienced with girls. We decided to just stay friends with common interests.

Saturday I received an invitation from the guy to a dinner date. When I refused he said he is sorry and he thought I was into him. I did clarify that we are just friends and I just wanted to spend some good time with someone close on Valentine's, he knows that from the start. I felt so sorry for him that I agrees for another friendly date. We spent time so well. I think I do start developing some kind of feelings for him, because spending time with him is feeling my batteries so good, like I'm so happy after that, I missed that feeling so much.
The guy knows I am bi and poly, but he is straight and mono and I had some bad experience with that kind of a relationship previously so I'm a bit afraid to enter one like this again. Also, he is much younger, like 4 years younger, which is not a huge gap at our age, but still.
I don't know what should I do.

Why does him being hetero matter if you are bi/poly? That in my view is just as bad as bi erasure (when straight/gay people refuse to date bi).

If he already knows of your identity and is cool with it then why not see where it leads. Set the boundaries at the start. Make everything clear. So you're all on the same page.

I'm straight and dated a bi girl before, it was as normal as any other relationship despite her liking girls too. We need to get out of the mindset of being put off because we don't align equally fully.
Reply 4
Does he expect youtto be mono? Would you be willing to commit to that if he wanted that? If you can't find agreement there then it's not going to last. Short term fun if that's what you both want but can't see it last if you both disagree on this. Good luck.
Go with your gut instinct. :smile:
Always stick to your dealbreakers.

If you have a preference for dating guys who are poly, that's fine.
Same if you prefer to date bi partners.
Sexual compatibility, mutual ambitions and shared lifestyle preferences are crucial to a happy & healthy intimate relationship.
Never allow anyone to try to shame you for your sexual preferences or attempt to pester/harass you to compromise on your dealbreakers.
Good luck!
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous #2
Why does him being hetero matter if you are bi/poly? That in my view is just as bad as bi erasure (when straight/gay people refuse to date bi).

If he already knows of your identity and is cool with it then why not see where it leads. Set the boundaries at the start. Make everything clear. So you're all on the same page.

I'm straight and dated a bi girl before, it was as normal as any other relationship despite her liking girls too. We need to get out of the mindset of being put off because we don't align equally fully.

Him being a monogamous is a bigger problem. It probably will be very hard for him to be in a relationship with a polyamorous.
But maybe it worth a try.
Reply 7
Original post by AriTem
Does he expect youtto be mono? Would you be willing to commit to that if he wanted that? If you can't find agreement there then it's not going to last. Short term fun if that's what you both want but can't see it last if you both disagree on this. Good luck.

I'm not ready to commit to only one person. It is not my belief (not in a religious way but more of a lifestyle and approach). It doesn't mean I wouldn't be committed to him. It is very hard to explain what a poly relationship is.
I agree with what you said, this is exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't want to disappoint my partner but I want to be accepted the way I am and the way I feel.
I do want a long term serious relationship and prefer not to have a short term fun relationship because potentially one of us can be hurt and I value our friendship to much to risk it.
(edited 3 months ago)
Reply 8
Original post by Kathy89
Him being a monogamous is a bigger problem. It probably will be very hard for him to be in a relationship with a polyamorous.
But maybe it worth a try.

Hope springs eternal but I bear the scars from too many such hopes already. Still I wouldn't trade any of those scars away; they are an integral part of me. I'm rooting for both of you.
Original post by Kathy89
Him being a monogamous is a bigger problem. It probably will be very hard for him to be in a relationship with a polyamorous.
But maybe it worth a try.

Oh that makes sense. Unless he's 100% confident he can commit to the cause (provided you fully outline being poly and involving others etc from the get go) then fair enough. Could be worth holding out for a poly partner instead.

Or you could just be normal friends instead (without relationship or sex).
Reply 10
Original post by AriTem
Hope springs eternal but I bear the scars from too many such hopes already. Still I wouldn't trade any of those scars away; they are an integral part of me. I'm rooting for both of you.

What do you mean?
Have you been in such a relationship?

hugs

I've been once, and it was hard, mostly for him.
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous #2
Oh that makes sense. Unless he's 100% confident he can commit to the cause (provided you fully outline being poly and involving others etc from the get go) then fair enough. Could be worth holding out for a poly partner instead.

Or you could just be normal friends instead (without relationship or sex).

Yeah, but I can't help developing feelings for him.
Original post by Kathy89
Yeah, but I can't help developing feelings for him.

That's only natural as a human being. When I was single I crushed on my best friend (I'm male she's female) even though she was with her partner at the time. Though now I have a relationship and she is single (the reverse) we're still really close and respect each others boundaries.

She and I are mono btw but point being you can't help who you get along with it's natural to feel attracted to people you have things in common and do things with regularly. And that can make the best of friends sometimes ๐Ÿ‘
Reply 13
Original post by Kathy89
What do you mean?
Have you been in such a relationship?

hugs

I've been once, and it was hard, mostly for him.

Thanks but it's your thread hun ๐Ÿ˜‰. I like that you're willing to take the risk though. Life is to be lived and love to be won (or in my case more often lost) ๐Ÿ˜‚

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