I would recommend starting with a rhetorical question, for example: When does a challenge become a challenge? I firmly believe that it is challenging challenging sounds better to do what is right, when you have frequent temptations provocatively tugging at your undeveloped mind.
When you're putting "you're" may appear to be lazy, but it shows that you can use your and you're correctly a teenager, you feel like it is absolutely essential to fit in with other people your age group, but guess what? It’s not. You can do what you want, wear what you want (within reason), and act how you want use a synonym for "want" but still use a list of three. But most teenagers are not aware of this, and that is how we get pulled into peer pressure. You keep on changing from "we" to "you", which could show understanding, but, in this case, it seems like you're not doing in accidently - keep it to "you" or "we". In this case, I've chosen to change the middle sentence to "you."
The problem with peer pressure is that it does what it says on the tin. It ‘pressures’ you to do what you typically wouldn’t, but been persuaded Check this sentence: the structure makes it hard to understand.. And that’s why I feel that it is a challenge to be myself , because it seems as if following the crowd is today’s new trend, and if I’m not part of that trend, I’m not part of anything. The first part is a bit clunky. Try make it two sentences - one short and one complex. However, I like the latter part of the sentence.
Another point I would like to state is, Not needed - delete it the fact that most people suffer bullying, just for being plainly who they want to be, and, therefore, parenthetical commas. try to change themselves, to fit a bully’s idea of perfect. I agree that it is tough trying to be yourself, in a society like today. No one wants to get Synonym for "get" bullied, but things are changing, and day by day we see people who stand out from the rest, and we realise that being different is fine, because if others can accept it, you can too.
Along with the confusion of personality withdrawal that some people may face, doing what's "is ... is" doesn't sound great. right is quite a hard challenge also don't use "also" at the end of this specific sentence, use it at the begining or use a synonym: "However, as well as.... We see so many bad characters on T.V I'm stuck here ";" or "," as it can be a sentence on its own, but it doesn't feel right putting a ";" there. it’s delete no wonder why some of us try to live up to their image. I agree that it is enlightening to see that some people can be destructive, and often get synonym away without consequences, but we often forget that this is T.V, and not real life.
To get the "A" you need: links, anecdotes, facts, and varied sentence structure (short sentences for effect). For "A*" you need originality and humour, to match the audience: "enviro-mental" for example - it's a link from "bulletstorm," it has two meanings and (apart from me) no one has ever used it in an exam before; you could use it like this (obviously, not for your essay): "Our school is (not) enviro-mental."
I've just given you an example on how to secure that B, to achieve the A you need this:
-Use semi-colons;
-Fix commas (for A - A*), but it's not as bad as people are making out;
-More features;
-Use metaphors;
-Use more complicated similes;
-Use links at the end of a paragraph, and at the start of the next.
BTW: Starting a essay with incorrect use of commas is bad. Always, start with short sentences:
"Cold. Silent. Dark" - list of three; short sentences for effect.
"Silence."
"****" - Joking. Don't start your essay with a swear word.
A / A*
• shows sophisticated understanding of the purpose and format of the task
• shows sustained awareness of the reader / intended audience
• content coverage is well-judged, detailed, and pertinent
• arguments are convincingly developed and supported by relevant detail
• ideas are selected and prioritised to construct sophisticated argument
• paragraphs are effectively varied in length and structure to control progression
• confident and sophisticated use of a range (A, but not A*, yet)of stylistic devices adapted to purpose /
audience
• a wide range of appropriate, ambitious vocabulary is used to create effect or convey
precise meaning
there is appropriate and effective variation of sentence structures
• there is a sophisticated use of simple, compound and complex sentences to
achieve particular effects (AKA: Do it for a reason)
• accurate punctuation is used to vary pace, clarify meaning, avoid ambiguity and
create deliberate effects
• virtually all spelling, including that of complex irregular words, is correct
• tense ("we" to "the teenager" to "we" to "the teenager" - stick with one. I would choose "we" as it more sophisticated understanding of the reader, and you are directly addressing them, so it's a feature. Or, you could have a few rhetorical questions directly addressed ("we") to the user, with the rest being "you / the teenager" which is A*, rather than A.)changes are used confidently and purposefully The chagne from "the teenager" to "we" seems accidental..
Red = what you have to do to achieve the A* / A