English question 6 CAN SOMEONE MARK!

Can someone mark my response please out of 24 marks, its question 6 on the aqa English language exam.

'People who save lives or help improve lives of others are the true role models of today'
Write an article for a newspaper in which you argue your view about what makes a good role model.

A role model. Yes, we all have one, for different reasons but, they all have one thing in common... inspiring and aspiring the young generation or making a change to this problematic word!
In my opinion, a role model holds a huge amount of responsibility. They are the hope. They are the hope. They are the guidance. They are the inspiration. We look look to them don't we? To be generous, kind, warm-hearted. To be a good role model, necessarily you don't have to save lives,a s much as that hurts to say we can not save children. But yes we can help their lives for the better. That does not change who what a role model is!
For example, beautiful Angelina Jolie, she is an actress, took upon herself to adopt several children. Now that's a role model. She could not bare the thought of children dying or being abandoned so what did she do? She adopted 4, and you might be thinking "yeah she adopted 4, but what about the billions that are suffering?" you see, as well as being beautiful she is charitable as well, she has visited more than 30 places including: Nigeria, Ghana, Lahore. Afghanistan. And provided food,drinks and blankets must I name more?
She can not even speak the same language yet she has the courage to respect and value their religion and their lives. As she is willing to wear a scarf on her head for these children. She has widened the younger generations views - including myself, who look up to this woman who see's no difference in children's lives.
Now that's a role model.
On the other hand, The Kardashians who are known to be wealthy in every way possible, have items regular people can't afford and have their own TV show! which is useless by the way... But you see just because they have "fame" they still are good role models, shocking right? As for the fame the Kardashians have worked their butts off, literally. They have visited places, just like Jolie and given back to the community where possible. Now this doesn't mean they are "true role models" but some what are as Kim has said " if you do good, good will come back to you" which can't be more correct as it has been proven that 63% of lives are improved if you have given back to the community.
Initially, I know what comes to your mind when you hear or see the word "role model" but don't be mistaken, less popular role models and popular role models have no difference between them. If you are doing good whether its your hard work, giving charitable, recycling you are making a change to little planet Earth for the better!
To conclude, I think you've got the message, that the label "role model" doesn't contain specific responsibilities but you can be a role model to anybody, people are inspired by you and aspire to be like you.

long i know, can someone give me feedback aswell PLEASEEEE!!!!

Reply 1

usycool1

Just bumping this thread for you as I've just moved it to the English forum. :smile:

Reply 2

Wolfram Alpha

I'll mark it and PM you my feedback.

Reply 3

ameenatariq

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

I'll mark it and PM you my feedback.

thank you so much!!!

Perfect.

Original post by ameenatariq

thank you so much!!!

No problem. I've given it to my English teacher to mark so the mark you get will be reliable. Hopefully she will give it back to me on Monday.

Reply 6

ameenatariq

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

No problem. I've given it to my English teacher to mark so the mark you get will be reliable. Hopefully she will give it back to me on Monday.

omg thank you so much, i really appreciate it!

Reply 7

ameenatariq

Original post by fadim

Perfect.

what mark???

Reply 8

ameenatariq

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

No problem. I've given it to my English teacher to mark so the mark you get will be reliable. Hopefully she will give it back to me on Monday.

Have you gotten a mark back? :smile:

Reply 9

Wolfram Alpha

Original post by ameenatariq

Have you gotten a mark back? :smile:

Ah, yes. She awarded you 17/24. With regards to improvements, she said you need to 'show control of extensive vocabulary with appropriately used discursive markers' and 'extend your use of language devices'. If you do that in the future, I'm sure you can get your mark up to 24.

Reply 10

ameenatariq

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

okay that was better than I expected! what are discursive markers? thank you so muchh!

Reply 11

Wolfram Alpha

Original post by ameenatariq

okay that was better than I expected! what are discursive markers? thank you so muchh!

Well, it was actually 19. I somehow missed the nine. Discursive markers are like 'on the contrary' and 'in addition to this' etc...but you have used them so ignore her.

Reply 12

ameenatariq

Original post by Wolfram Alpha

Well, it was actually 19. I somehow missed the nine. Discursive markers are like 'on the contrary' and 'in addition to this' etc...but you have used them so ignore her.