Was I raped???

So I drank A LOT (at least a litre) and my "friend's" friends put me on a bus and I vaguely remember like talking to everyone on the bus and I met this guy (he was completely sober) and I told him where I lived and he still took me to his apartment. I remember telling him to put on a condom cause I was not about to get pregnant or an STI just because I was drunk. He would stop every so often to "cuddle" and I just remember waking feeling like complete **** and seeing like 3 full condoms on the floor. He wanted to do it "again" in the morning but I kept refusing but he still tried and again I told him to put the condom on;. He wasn't like violent though but he was a complete stranger and was like a decade older than me (he knew my age). He didn't ask me for permission, he'd just stop for a bit if I started crying or stopped saying anything. I feel like I couldn't push him away though because I was smoking his cigarettes and staying at his house so it was essentially my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. And I dont even know if I was up for it or not but most likely not since I didnt even want to do it with my boyfriend when I was sober. He didnt really "force force" me so honestly I'm so confused right now, I literally just got home. I don't THINK I was raped because I dont remember much and it wasn't exactly traumatising like the first time it happened (I was younger). I just feel so dirty and I feel like it was my fault cause I didnt really stop stop him and I didnt go home when I should have and continued to go to his apartment so I did have some sort of control in which direction it could have gone in. I feel sick but I think that is just cause I'm hungover.

Should I just pretend it didnt happen and move on? One of those drunken mistakes things.

do not pretend it didn't happen at all. I'd call a professional and get some advice, not that TSR is unhelpful, but this is a delicate matter, and a very serious one, in my opinion.

This was not your fault.

Reply 21

IAmNero

2

Original post by Anonymous

okay so me asking to put the condom means that I technically consented?

Technically yes. But the law is sketchy. You were drunk, but you cannot prove how drunk you were. Also:

1.You gave him personal information
2. You consented when not intoxicated
3. You made no effort to stop him
4.You didn't tell him no.

As such it's a middle ground. If you feel it was then you should go to the police, IMO it wasn't and you risk your own reputation and his.

Reply 22

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by IAmNero

Technically yes. But the law is sketchy. You were drunk, but you cannot prove how drunk you were. Also:

1.You gave him personal information
2. You consented when not intoxicated
3. You made no effort to stop him
4.You didn't tell him no.

As such it's a middle ground. If you feel it was then you should go to the police, IMO it wasn't and you risk your own reputation and his.

I wasn't planning on reporting anything to the police, I just wanted to know

Reply 23

IAmNero

2

Original post by Anonymous

I wasn't planning on reporting anything to the police, I just wanted to know

I'm no expert, but from the best of my knowledge; no, it was not.

Reply 24

stevebutler2210

I'm sorry, are we all going to ignore the fact that OP says she repeatedly refused, and he decided he was going to do it anyway. Sounds like that's why she told him to use a condom - it wasn't consenting, it was realising that he wasn't going to stop regardless of what she said, so at least that way she isn't getting f*cking pregnant from the dude.

If you repeatedly tell someone no, and they go ahead and do it anyway, that's rape. Simple. And if you're genuinely reading this and feel there's no problem with what that guy did, then you're part of the damn problem, because it's idiots like that who make guys like this feel like they can do whatever they want.

If saying no isn't classed as "not giving consent" any more, then what the hell is?

Reply 25

♥Samantha♥

19

Original post by stevebutler2210

I'm sorry, are we all going to ignore the fact that OP says she repeatedly refused, and he decided he was going to do it anyway. Sounds like that's why she told him to use a condom - it wasn't consenting, it was realising that he wasn't going to stop regardless of what she said, so at least that way she isn't getting f*cking pregnant from the dude.

If you repeatedly tell someone no, and they go ahead and do it anyway, that's rape. Simple. And if you're genuinely reading this and feel there's no problem with what that guy did, then you're part of the damn problem, because it's idiots like that who make guys like this feel like they can do whatever they want.

If saying no isn't classed as "not giving consent" any more, then what the hell is?

That's how I see it as well. She told him to put the condom on because part of her realised it was going to happen whether she wanted it to or not.

Reply 26

unprinted

19

Original post by Anonymous

okay so me asking to put the condom means that I technically consented?

What the two S's said.

To answer the original question...

... legally (in England and Wales) it depends. I understand that you're not going to the police, but if you did there would be a series of questions asked. 1. Did you have the capacity to consent? Possibly not, given how much you'd had to drink.

2. If you did, did you consent? No, you 'kept refusing' to have sex with some random older stranger. When it became inevitable, you asked for a condom to be used, but that's not consent, that's 'you're going to do this anyway, so let's make it a bit safer'.

3. In either case, did he have a reasonable belief in your consent? The answers he gave when being asked about what made him think that you had consent would either sink him or save him.

... morally, yes.

Ignore the morons who don't think they're at risk from some random older man wanting to stick his penis in them when they're drunk.

Reply 27

Silver Arrow

19

Original post by IFoundWonderland

That's rape. You were drunk. You didn't consent. You don't remember it. You cried, he carried on. I had a *similar* experience, except I did say no. If you want, you can PM me. I remember even straight after it happened I didn't feel traumatised - didn't even really realise what had happened. You're probably still a bit drunk and hungover. It catches up on you.

How can you be raped if you didn't say no?

Reply 28

Anonymous #6

Sorry love, no sympathy here.

If you can't control your alcohol, what do you expect?

Reply 29

hippieglitter

19

I would have thought telling him to put a condom on would be classed by some as consent as why would you bother saying that if you had decided and at least tried to make it clear that you didn't want to have sex with him. To those saying she refused so clearly did not consent, according to her OP she only refused the morning after not on the original occasion.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 30

Katarvi

15

Original post by Anonymous

Sorry love, no sympathy here.

If you can't control your alcohol, what do you expect?

To not get raped?

That said though, I don't think this sounds like rape to me. My take away was you got to his apartment and asked him to put a condom on, sex ensued. You woke up in the morning and he wanted to sleep with you again but you refused repeatedly but he kept trying until you eventually told him to put a condom on again. This to me sounds more like he coerced you rather than forced you. He eventually wore you down to where you gave consent by requesting he wear a condom. Not saying it's okay for a man to do that, but it's not rape in my opinion.

Reply 31

999tigger

19

What you need to do is get some professional advice over such a serious matter as this.
Rape is quite a complicated offence and your case isnt straightforward. It would need a lawyer to reallt look at it.

Its as much for helping you come to terms with what has happened as deciding if you wnat to or can take any action about it.

If you are under 18 then ring childline
08001111
https://www.childline.org.uk/talk/Pages/Talk.aspx

Alternatively if older then ring
Rape Crisis for a chat or use he website for your nearest centre.
http://rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php0808 802 9999 between 12 noon – 2.30pm and between 7 – 9.30pm any day of the year for confidential support and/or information about your nearest services.

Akternatively just ring the police.

Reply 32

999tigger

19

Original post by Anonymous

Sorry love, no sympathy here.

If you can't control your alcohol, what do you expect?

Being drunk doesnt entitke someone to rape you, although from a common sense point of view putting yourself in a precarious situation is foolish.

Reply 33

CON5P1RACY K1D

10

This is like the 7th post I've seen stating "is this rape" "was i raped"

Reply 34

JoeTSR

22

We weren't there, I think the only one who can decide how to label it is you. It might take some time to decide how to do that.

Asking to use a condom isn't necessarily consent. On the other hand, it can be hard to tell how much someone's had to drink, unless they're visibly stumbling/slurring (especially if you've had a couple of drinks yourself, before the point of drunkenness).

I don't think we'll be able to decisively say "Yes it was"/"No it wasn't.

Reply 35

karl pilkington

20

you were raped as you weren't in a fit state to consent. He knew what he was doing shame on him and your useless friends who should have not let you go home on your own in that state

Reply 36

Howard

5

She was sober enough to give him her address and ask that he used a condom. I'd say this is just a complete slapper with morning after regrets who really shouldn't be seeking to blame her appalling lifestyle choices on others.

Reply 37

Howard

5

Original post by CON5P1RACY K1D

This is like the 7th post I've seen stating "is this rape" "was i raped"

Assuming she's talking about seven different occasions this person is living like a pig.

Reply 38

Nameless Ghoul

3

Original post by apronedsamurai

Ok.

Did you consent to the activity?

If yes = not rape.

If no = rape.

Now, you do realise that you could NOT give consent due to your intoxication, i.e. you were incapitated by the alcohol. Legally then, you were raped.

This is simply not true. There are two elements of rape a) where there was lack of consent and b) whether the defendant believed there was consent. Simply having sex, without consent being given, is not enough to form rape.