What grade would you give this? (Writing to Argue) (English Language GCSE)
I haven't had much practice on Writing to Argue (for my mock exam in 2 weeks) so I would like to know what grade you would give this and how I could improve if I wanted to get an A/A* (or just a higher mark). Thanks 
"The media should not bother us with the private lives of celebrities, their families and their partners. Write an article for a newspaper of magazine which argues for or against this idea."
Second attempt: write an article for a broadsheet newspaper in which you argue the case for more money being spend on up to date equipment for schools (I spent about 30 mins on this):
"The media should not bother us with the private lives of celebrities, their families and their partners. Write an article for a newspaper of magazine which argues for or against this idea."
Spoiler
Second attempt: write an article for a broadsheet newspaper in which you argue the case for more money being spend on up to date equipment for schools (I spent about 30 mins on this):
Spoiler
(edited 11 years ago)
The Secret Lives of Celebrities:
Invasion of Privacy
By Robert Smith
Imagine waking up with the flashes of cameras engulfing you in their radiance. Imagine being pestered with questions regarding your personal life. Imagine having to tolerate this day by day with little sympathy directed at you. Repetition of 'imagine' is a bit of a cliché. This may be a good technique for a B/C student but can't you think of anything more original?
Is this your ideal life? Your status and prestige can place cumbersome loads of pressure, where you are bombarded with even the most fatuous questions and comments. Getting the feeling that you've overused the thesaurus here. This is the typical life of a celebrity. No worries, no hassle, no imperfection. If only. You have changed to a very conversational tone, contradicting your fancy language used previously. Consistency of tone shows that you know your audience.
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness of which some have been driven to the point of insanity: Grammar here is a bit funny. How about
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness, some of whom have even been driven to the point of insanity. do they really deserve this? Although, to some, it may seem that these renowned figures have provoked these dire consequences, How exactly have they provoked it? This isn't explained enough to make a thorough point their privacy should be revered and respected - not destroyed or slandered.
Moreover, I Don't refer to yourself as I EVER. Try to use 'it is clear that...' or similar. feel it is depraved Not sure about the use of 'depraved' here... to peer into the private lives of others so why do this to celebrities? Do they not deserve the same rights as you? Good, the accusatory tone evokes guilt in the reader.
In fact, 93% of celebrities Good use of statistics agreed that thy they? were excessively intruded by a barrage of comments 'Barrage' is good, but then 'comments' makes it sound like it's not such a big deal. from the moment they left their house! And albeit 83% of the people surveyed felt that this was not an issue to dwell over (since it provided them with a sense of "belonging"), it is still an invasion of privacy. Expand on this, the counterargument is very strong so you need to make a stronger statement in return.
Furthermore, TV icon Cheryl Cole once exclaimed that it was like "being under the surveillance of a CCTV camera 24/7." This quote summaries the severity of the issue. Nobody, including I or You or They, should ever have to lead a lifestyle rendered despondent or melancholy by those in your Your? Are you talking about people in the reader's proximity or in the celebrities? This needs to be clearer proximity. An invasion of privacy is a form of bullying. It should not be tolerated.
I've made quite a few suggestions. I also think that you need to look at length (I assume this isn't finished) and structure. This could be achieved by better planning. Make a list of three points that you can really explain and expand on. Each point should be a paragraph and each paragraph should contain a small counterargument. Anything you say in the counterargument needs to have an incredibly strong argument to blow it out of the water. You need to have a strong conclusion at the end. The use of the one-sentence paragraph as a technique is fine, but only used once, and the other paragraphs need to be a lot longer and more developed. Also, read through your work and consider whether it's clear who you're referring to if you say "they" or "you"...
Invasion of Privacy
By Robert Smith
Imagine waking up with the flashes of cameras engulfing you in their radiance. Imagine being pestered with questions regarding your personal life. Imagine having to tolerate this day by day with little sympathy directed at you. Repetition of 'imagine' is a bit of a cliché. This may be a good technique for a B/C student but can't you think of anything more original?
Is this your ideal life? Your status and prestige can place cumbersome loads of pressure, where you are bombarded with even the most fatuous questions and comments. Getting the feeling that you've overused the thesaurus here. This is the typical life of a celebrity. No worries, no hassle, no imperfection. If only. You have changed to a very conversational tone, contradicting your fancy language used previously. Consistency of tone shows that you know your audience.
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness of which some have been driven to the point of insanity: Grammar here is a bit funny. How about
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness, some of whom have even been driven to the point of insanity. do they really deserve this? Although, to some, it may seem that these renowned figures have provoked these dire consequences, How exactly have they provoked it? This isn't explained enough to make a thorough point their privacy should be revered and respected - not destroyed or slandered.
Moreover, I Don't refer to yourself as I EVER. Try to use 'it is clear that...' or similar. feel it is depraved Not sure about the use of 'depraved' here... to peer into the private lives of others so why do this to celebrities? Do they not deserve the same rights as you? Good, the accusatory tone evokes guilt in the reader.
In fact, 93% of celebrities Good use of statistics agreed that thy they? were excessively intruded by a barrage of comments 'Barrage' is good, but then 'comments' makes it sound like it's not such a big deal. from the moment they left their house! And albeit 83% of the people surveyed felt that this was not an issue to dwell over (since it provided them with a sense of "belonging"), it is still an invasion of privacy. Expand on this, the counterargument is very strong so you need to make a stronger statement in return.
Furthermore, TV icon Cheryl Cole once exclaimed that it was like "being under the surveillance of a CCTV camera 24/7." This quote summaries the severity of the issue. Nobody, including I or You or They, should ever have to lead a lifestyle rendered despondent or melancholy by those in your Your? Are you talking about people in the reader's proximity or in the celebrities? This needs to be clearer proximity. An invasion of privacy is a form of bullying. It should not be tolerated.
I've made quite a few suggestions. I also think that you need to look at length (I assume this isn't finished) and structure. This could be achieved by better planning. Make a list of three points that you can really explain and expand on. Each point should be a paragraph and each paragraph should contain a small counterargument. Anything you say in the counterargument needs to have an incredibly strong argument to blow it out of the water. You need to have a strong conclusion at the end. The use of the one-sentence paragraph as a technique is fine, but only used once, and the other paragraphs need to be a lot longer and more developed. Also, read through your work and consider whether it's clear who you're referring to if you say "they" or "you"...
The only thing I can add, really, is maybe you should treat the first paragraph as a rule of three. Perhaps separating them with semi colons to show this.
Also, try to include a one sentence paragraph and a rhetorical question within the first paragraph. If you could fit in a semi colon and a colon near the start, that would help too. It makes sure that the examiner knows that you understand different uses of punctuation and how sentences can vary for effect.
That's all I can think of!
Perhaps it could be longer, too. If this is question 6, this is nowhere near enough. Question 5... maybe. A few more paragraphs and it would be great.
I'd give it a high A, on the verge of an A*.
Also, try to include a one sentence paragraph and a rhetorical question within the first paragraph. If you could fit in a semi colon and a colon near the start, that would help too. It makes sure that the examiner knows that you understand different uses of punctuation and how sentences can vary for effect.
That's all I can think of!
Perhaps it could be longer, too. If this is question 6, this is nowhere near enough. Question 5... maybe. A few more paragraphs and it would be great.
I'd give it a high A, on the verge of an A*.
Original post by Charlotte49
The Secret Lives of Celebrities:
Invasion of Privacy
By Robert Smith
Imagine waking up with the flashes of cameras engulfing you in their radiance. Imagine being pestered with questions regarding your personal life. Imagine having to tolerate this day by day with little sympathy directed at you. Repetition of 'imagine' is a bit of a cliché. This may be a good technique for a B/C student but can't you think of anything more original?
Is this your ideal life? Your status and prestige can place cumbersome loads of pressure, where you are bombarded with even the most fatuous questions and comments. Getting the feeling that you've overused the thesaurus here. This is the typical life of a celebrity. No worries, no hassle, no imperfection. If only. You have changed to a very conversational tone, contradicting your fancy language used previously. Consistency of tone shows that you know your audience.
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness of which some have been driven to the point of insanity: Grammar here is a bit funny. How about
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness, some of whom have even been driven to the point of insanity. do they really deserve this? Although, to some, it may seem that these renowned figures have provoked these dire consequences, How exactly have they provoked it? This isn't explained enough to make a thorough point their privacy should be revered and respected - not destroyed or slandered.
Moreover, I Don't refer to yourself as I EVER. Try to use 'it is clear that...' or similar. feel it is depraved Not sure about the use of 'depraved' here... to peer into the private lives of others so why do this to celebrities? Do they not deserve the same rights as you? Good, the accusatory tone evokes guilt in the reader.
In fact, 93% of celebrities Good use of statistics agreed that thy they? were excessively intruded by a barrage of comments 'Barrage' is good, but then 'comments' makes it sound like it's not such a big deal. from the moment they left their house! And albeit 83% of the people surveyed felt that this was not an issue to dwell over (since it provided them with a sense of "belonging"), it is still an invasion of privacy. Expand on this, the counterargument is very strong so you need to make a stronger statement in return.
Furthermore, TV icon Cheryl Cole once exclaimed that it was like "being under the surveillance of a CCTV camera 24/7." This quote summaries the severity of the issue. Nobody, including I or You or They, should ever have to lead a lifestyle rendered despondent or melancholy by those in your Your? Are you talking about people in the reader's proximity or in the celebrities? This needs to be clearer proximity. An invasion of privacy is a form of bullying. It should not be tolerated.
I've made quite a few suggestions. I also think that you need to look at length (I assume this isn't finished) and structure. This could be achieved by better planning. Make a list of three points that you can really explain and expand on. Each point should be a paragraph and each paragraph should contain a small counterargument. Anything you say in the counterargument needs to have an incredibly strong argument to blow it out of the water. You need to have a strong conclusion at the end. The use of the one-sentence paragraph as a technique is fine, but only used once, and the other paragraphs need to be a lot longer and more developed. Also, read through your work and consider whether it's clear who you're referring to if you say "they" or "you"...
Invasion of Privacy
By Robert Smith
Imagine waking up with the flashes of cameras engulfing you in their radiance. Imagine being pestered with questions regarding your personal life. Imagine having to tolerate this day by day with little sympathy directed at you. Repetition of 'imagine' is a bit of a cliché. This may be a good technique for a B/C student but can't you think of anything more original?
Is this your ideal life? Your status and prestige can place cumbersome loads of pressure, where you are bombarded with even the most fatuous questions and comments. Getting the feeling that you've overused the thesaurus here. This is the typical life of a celebrity. No worries, no hassle, no imperfection. If only. You have changed to a very conversational tone, contradicting your fancy language used previously. Consistency of tone shows that you know your audience.
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness of which some have been driven to the point of insanity: Grammar here is a bit funny. How about
Celebrities have to tolerate this madness, some of whom have even been driven to the point of insanity. do they really deserve this? Although, to some, it may seem that these renowned figures have provoked these dire consequences, How exactly have they provoked it? This isn't explained enough to make a thorough point their privacy should be revered and respected - not destroyed or slandered.
Moreover, I Don't refer to yourself as I EVER. Try to use 'it is clear that...' or similar. feel it is depraved Not sure about the use of 'depraved' here... to peer into the private lives of others so why do this to celebrities? Do they not deserve the same rights as you? Good, the accusatory tone evokes guilt in the reader.
In fact, 93% of celebrities Good use of statistics agreed that thy they? were excessively intruded by a barrage of comments 'Barrage' is good, but then 'comments' makes it sound like it's not such a big deal. from the moment they left their house! And albeit 83% of the people surveyed felt that this was not an issue to dwell over (since it provided them with a sense of "belonging"), it is still an invasion of privacy. Expand on this, the counterargument is very strong so you need to make a stronger statement in return.
Furthermore, TV icon Cheryl Cole once exclaimed that it was like "being under the surveillance of a CCTV camera 24/7." This quote summaries the severity of the issue. Nobody, including I or You or They, should ever have to lead a lifestyle rendered despondent or melancholy by those in your Your? Are you talking about people in the reader's proximity or in the celebrities? This needs to be clearer proximity. An invasion of privacy is a form of bullying. It should not be tolerated.
I've made quite a few suggestions. I also think that you need to look at length (I assume this isn't finished) and structure. This could be achieved by better planning. Make a list of three points that you can really explain and expand on. Each point should be a paragraph and each paragraph should contain a small counterargument. Anything you say in the counterargument needs to have an incredibly strong argument to blow it out of the water. You need to have a strong conclusion at the end. The use of the one-sentence paragraph as a technique is fine, but only used once, and the other paragraphs need to be a lot longer and more developed. Also, read through your work and consider whether it's clear who you're referring to if you say "they" or "you"...
Thanks for providing that insightful response.
I don't suppose you could give an A* example/response so I can compare it with what I've initially written (but don't worry if you can't for what ever reason) Also, I'm having this problem where I can't think of many things to write about in questions like that (as I run out of ideas) and I am not sure how to plan either (I tried it but it did not solve my previous problem so I may not be doing it properly)- could you give me some tips on this please?
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by mir0rb
The only thing I can add, really, is maybe you should treat the first paragraph as a rule of three. Perhaps separating them with semi colons to show this.
Also, try to include a one sentence paragraph and a rhetorical question within the first paragraph. If you could fit in a semi colon and a colon near the start, that would help too. It makes sure that the examiner knows that you understand different uses of punctuation and how sentences can vary for effect.
That's all I can think of!
Perhaps it could be longer, too. If this is question 6, this is nowhere near enough. Question 5... maybe. A few more paragraphs and it would be great.
I'd give it a high A, on the verge of an A*.
Also, try to include a one sentence paragraph and a rhetorical question within the first paragraph. If you could fit in a semi colon and a colon near the start, that would help too. It makes sure that the examiner knows that you understand different uses of punctuation and how sentences can vary for effect.
That's all I can think of!
Perhaps it could be longer, too. If this is question 6, this is nowhere near enough. Question 5... maybe. A few more paragraphs and it would be great.
I'd give it a high A, on the verge of an A*.
Thanks for the tips
I wrote 2 A4 sides on this question, so how many sides of A4 would you recommend I write during question 6? (I assume you're referring to the Persuade, Advise, Argue question)
Could you provide an example of how you would've written my first paragraph please (you don't have to though
)?(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by BP_Tranquility
Thanks for providing that insightful response. I don't suppose you could give an A* example/response so I can compare it with what I've initially written (but don't worry if you can't for what ever reason)
Also, I'm having this problem where I can't think of many things to write about in questions like that (as I run out of ideas) and I am not sure how to plan either (I tried it but it did not solve my previous problem so I may not be doing it properly)- could you give me some tips on this please?
I don't suppose you could give an A* example/response so I can compare it with what I've initially written (but don't worry if you can't for what ever reason) Also, I'm having this problem where I can't think of many things to write about in questions like that (as I run out of ideas) and I am not sure how to plan either (I tried it but it did not solve my previous problem so I may not be doing it properly)- could you give me some tips on this please?
If I get time over the weekend I'll suggest an A* answer.
I definitely feel that stronger planning would give you the structure you need to get a much higher grade. I would aim to make two or three strong points. You need to decide which position in the argument you feel most strongly about and argue for that. Weigh up the pro's and con's, and even make a list of them in the exam as this will help you pick the strongest ones for your 'for' argument and the weakest ones as the counterargument. I've outlined a simple structure which should help you to plan.
1. Introduction. You don't need to make any points here, but do a quick generalisation, such as "Celebrities are constantly bombarded by fans, paparazzi and journalists. With celebrity status in the twenty-first century, comes the inability to live a normal life. Thousands of people make a living from the media, but is this invasion of privacy fair on the peoples lives it affects?" This is good because the rhetorical question makes the reader want to read further into your argument.
2., 3. & 4. Points. You should set this out as a PEE paragraph (point, evidence, explain), however, because it is an argument, you need to show the other side. You should therefore do your PEE paragraph, then present a short counterargument, then in the final sentence, eliminate the counterargument e.g. "Freedom of speech and free will are basic human rights, which we should not be denied. To deny someone the right to walk down the street without being accosted by journalists is an infringement of our human rights. Some may argue that the nature of celebrity encourages public attention, but what about those celebrities who didn't want their fame? What about those who are celebrities because of a heroic act? Should we be punished for an act of kindness or for sharing our talents? For variation, you can start with the counterargument then do your PEE paragraph to shoot it down. Using an anecdote is also a good technique.
5. Conclusion. Round up all of your points. It's a good idea to also mention the counterarguments you have already mentioned e.g. "Whilst many people earn their livelihoods from the media through celebrity gossip, it is clear that...". It is also a good idea to directly address the reader, e.g. "You have the power to stop this injustice. Write to your local news. Email the magazines. Stop the legal stalking". Here, the reader is directly addressed and the imperatives give the conclusion a powerful ending because they tell the reader what action they MUST take.
Original post by Charlotte49
....
Hi, thanks for that advice
I've tried to incorporate more of your suggestions into another practice question (not sure whether I've been successful at it though but I'll try and incorporate more of them as I practise more since I do not want to rush it) so I was wondering if you could mark my second attempt at another question (although I think it sounds as if I'm persuading more than arguing
) Write an article for a broadsheet newspaper in which you argue the case for more money being spend on up to date equipment for schools (I spent about 30 mins on this):
Spoiler
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
(edited 11 years ago)
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