Awkward unofficial break-up with gf, advice?
Hello, I have posted here before with regard to my relationship, but I would prefer to keep this anon because I fear that someone on here may work out who I am, procuring repercussions.
Basically my long-term relationship with my girlfriend has dwindled out. We were arguing a lot, and we were complete opposites. I did everything for her, treated her well, took her out, invested time, money and poured my emotions into the relationship. She would always come around looking tired, lethargic and generally just showing no ounce of affection and you'd think I'd be the last person she'd want to see.
Now from the beginning it was evident that she was never the most affectionate person, she was sexually/emotionally shut off and immature for her age (early twenties), and had a very stern upbringing, as well as a strange sense of how she behaved. She rarely showed me affection or reciprocated how I felt, yet we did have times when we were close, those times seemed less and less.
To cut a long story short, I grew tired of her coldness toward me, and I more of less became concerned (this was a two nights ago). I asked her if she had feelings for me still, and if 'we' were okay. She admitted she'd been thinking about us. I quizzed her because I felt it was necessary to get to the bottom of it. She had been declining for weeks/even months prior and I thought her interest in me was becoming more hollow.
I asked her if she loved me, her response was "sometimes", to which I became increasingly frustrated. I pretty much suggested its either yes or no, she tells me she "doesn't know".
It was this way she has of 'shutting me down' that gets to me. I never got a straight answer, and it pretty much grated me down. How could I possibly sort this situation out with this sort of tendency??
So I asked her if she wanted to just be friends, she seemed to jump to the idea, leading me to feel more and more bitter. I felt as though she had led me along all this time (a year and a half), I implied she didn't care. I told her that all those times she told me she loved me, they were all meaningless etc. She then told me that "well...that was what YOU wanted...", as though she was shaping reality around what I wanted, and that she didn't ever love me.
Later, we talked about something else to do with emotions (can't recall the flow of it), but she basically went on to say "okay so, how would you feel if I said to you, I don't want to split with you because I don't want to lose a friend?"...this kind of really aggravated me, and made me feel she just used me for her own emotional gain.
I basically said that the only reason she kept me around and in a relationship was because she wouldn't want to lose a friend, and the general response was yes.
I told her that I cannot do that, and be a friend, I wanted more. She obviously cannot accept the fact that I cannot be friends with a previous romantic interest.
We gave each other silent treatment. She was staying over anyways, so I had to sleep next to her with all awkwardness. Later on, it was apparent a revelation had ensued when I had got up next morning (now I know). She had stolen from me. It was a small item, nothing of meaningful value, which makes it more weird, but its more the moral turpitude of it that bothers me. She has taken from me in my own home/bedroom.
She is a potential thief as well as a dishonest liar, although I did not see her, all evidence suggests otherwise that it was her, because she was the only one in my room, and the item concerned was there the night she stayed, I feel I have dodged a bullet. Anyone have any advice for me to help heal the raw aftermath of this??
We haven't broken up officially it would seem, we haven't spoken since, how do I go about ending this amicably??
I cannot trust her, not out of the fact that she doesn't love me, but more the fact she is a liar/thief. I feel kind of sick and disgusted with her. By the same token, I feel guilty to feel the way I do about her, but all my senses point to her. I am going through a roller-coaster of emotion.
TL;DR: Me and girlfriend have had rocky relationship, she had become cold, and un-affectionate, barely had reciprocated my love. Made out that all the closeness in the RS was what I wanted, (implying she didn't), tells me I am suffocating, despite fact I saw her less than my contact time at uni (9hrs). Doesn't want to end RS because she would lose me as a "friend", however not much concern for RS. Tells me she doesn't know if she loves me.
Suspect shes stolen from me, and all evidence indicates it so (even though I have no physical evidenced).
How do I end this mess sensibly? I feel she has been using me for the duration.
Basically my long-term relationship with my girlfriend has dwindled out. We were arguing a lot, and we were complete opposites. I did everything for her, treated her well, took her out, invested time, money and poured my emotions into the relationship. She would always come around looking tired, lethargic and generally just showing no ounce of affection and you'd think I'd be the last person she'd want to see.
Now from the beginning it was evident that she was never the most affectionate person, she was sexually/emotionally shut off and immature for her age (early twenties), and had a very stern upbringing, as well as a strange sense of how she behaved. She rarely showed me affection or reciprocated how I felt, yet we did have times when we were close, those times seemed less and less.
To cut a long story short, I grew tired of her coldness toward me, and I more of less became concerned (this was a two nights ago). I asked her if she had feelings for me still, and if 'we' were okay. She admitted she'd been thinking about us. I quizzed her because I felt it was necessary to get to the bottom of it. She had been declining for weeks/even months prior and I thought her interest in me was becoming more hollow.
I asked her if she loved me, her response was "sometimes", to which I became increasingly frustrated. I pretty much suggested its either yes or no, she tells me she "doesn't know".
It was this way she has of 'shutting me down' that gets to me. I never got a straight answer, and it pretty much grated me down. How could I possibly sort this situation out with this sort of tendency??
So I asked her if she wanted to just be friends, she seemed to jump to the idea, leading me to feel more and more bitter. I felt as though she had led me along all this time (a year and a half), I implied she didn't care. I told her that all those times she told me she loved me, they were all meaningless etc. She then told me that "well...that was what YOU wanted...", as though she was shaping reality around what I wanted, and that she didn't ever love me.
Later, we talked about something else to do with emotions (can't recall the flow of it), but she basically went on to say "okay so, how would you feel if I said to you, I don't want to split with you because I don't want to lose a friend?"...this kind of really aggravated me, and made me feel she just used me for her own emotional gain.
I basically said that the only reason she kept me around and in a relationship was because she wouldn't want to lose a friend, and the general response was yes.
I told her that I cannot do that, and be a friend, I wanted more. She obviously cannot accept the fact that I cannot be friends with a previous romantic interest.
We gave each other silent treatment. She was staying over anyways, so I had to sleep next to her with all awkwardness. Later on, it was apparent a revelation had ensued when I had got up next morning (now I know). She had stolen from me. It was a small item, nothing of meaningful value, which makes it more weird, but its more the moral turpitude of it that bothers me. She has taken from me in my own home/bedroom.
She is a potential thief as well as a dishonest liar, although I did not see her, all evidence suggests otherwise that it was her, because she was the only one in my room, and the item concerned was there the night she stayed, I feel I have dodged a bullet. Anyone have any advice for me to help heal the raw aftermath of this??
We haven't broken up officially it would seem, we haven't spoken since, how do I go about ending this amicably??
I cannot trust her, not out of the fact that she doesn't love me, but more the fact she is a liar/thief. I feel kind of sick and disgusted with her. By the same token, I feel guilty to feel the way I do about her, but all my senses point to her. I am going through a roller-coaster of emotion.
TL;DR: Me and girlfriend have had rocky relationship, she had become cold, and un-affectionate, barely had reciprocated my love. Made out that all the closeness in the RS was what I wanted, (implying she didn't), tells me I am suffocating, despite fact I saw her less than my contact time at uni (9hrs). Doesn't want to end RS because she would lose me as a "friend", however not much concern for RS. Tells me she doesn't know if she loves me.
Suspect shes stolen from me, and all evidence indicates it so (even though I have no physical evidenced).
How do I end this mess sensibly? I feel she has been using me for the duration.
Hello OP,
I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering emotionally.
The bad news is at the moment you're going through rush of emotions... Mistrust, anger, disgust and probably fear of ending a long term relationship. These emotions are strong and it's highly probably that you will rush and make decisions that later you'll regret.
The good news is you controlled your emotions and asked for advise instead of rushing and end the relationship in anger.
Are you aware of a term Limerence? Majority of people consider it as love, whereas love and limerence are different. You might want to read Difference here: Limerence vs Love. Probably your relationship was driven by emotional decisions rather than compatibility, we can't really force someone to 'change' into what we wish them to be. Instead, the mature and adult way is to look for someone who is already compatible in 'many' aspects to what you're looking for. By that I mean choosing a partner based on rationality and not 'short-living' emotions.
Buddy you seem to be a sensitive person judging by your demands and your strong emphasis on emotions in this thread. I'm not sure if she's sensitive or not (probably not) but my suggestion is to look for someone sensitive who is capable of understanding your emotions.
At this moment you're rather emotionally overloaded... She might be a liar, or a thief. Even you're aware that you're not certain about her stealing from you. Give it time (a week) and then decide what you're planning to do. We can't decide on your relationship for you - it's about fate of two people!
Are you really looking for advise on how to deal with 'breakup'? It's not clear what your demand is to be honest.
I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering emotionally.
The bad news is at the moment you're going through rush of emotions... Mistrust, anger, disgust and probably fear of ending a long term relationship. These emotions are strong and it's highly probably that you will rush and make decisions that later you'll regret.
The good news is you controlled your emotions and asked for advise instead of rushing and end the relationship in anger.
Are you aware of a term Limerence? Majority of people consider it as love, whereas love and limerence are different. You might want to read Difference here: Limerence vs Love. Probably your relationship was driven by emotional decisions rather than compatibility, we can't really force someone to 'change' into what we wish them to be. Instead, the mature and adult way is to look for someone who is already compatible in 'many' aspects to what you're looking for. By that I mean choosing a partner based on rationality and not 'short-living' emotions.
Buddy you seem to be a sensitive person judging by your demands and your strong emphasis on emotions in this thread. I'm not sure if she's sensitive or not (probably not) but my suggestion is to look for someone sensitive who is capable of understanding your emotions.
At this moment you're rather emotionally overloaded... She might be a liar, or a thief. Even you're aware that you're not certain about her stealing from you. Give it time (a week) and then decide what you're planning to do. We can't decide on your relationship for you - it's about fate of two people!
Are you really looking for advise on how to deal with 'breakup'? It's not clear what your demand is to be honest.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Semkou
Hello OP,
I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering emotionally.
The bad news is at the moment you're going through rush of emotions... Mistrust, anger, disgust and probably fear of ending a long term relationship. These emotions are strong and it's highly probably that you will rush and make decisions that later you'll regret.
The good news is you controlled your emotions and asked for advise instead of rushing and end the relationship in anger.
Are you aware of a term Limerence? Majority of people consider it as love, whereas love and limerence are different. You might want to read Difference here: Limerence vs Love. Probably your relationship was driven by emotional decisions rather than compatibility, we can't really force someone to 'change' into what we wish them to be. Instead, the mature and adult way is to look for someone who is already compatible in 'many' aspects to what you're looking for. By that I mean choosing a partner based on rationality and not 'short-living' emotions.
Buddy you seem to be a sensitive person judging by your demands and your strong emphasis on emotions in this thread. I'm not sure if she's sensitive or not (probably not) but my suggestion is to look for someone sensitive who is capable of understanding your emotions.
At this moment you're rather emotionally overloaded... She might be a liar, or a thief. Even you're aware that you're not certain about her stealing from you. Give it time (a week) and then decide what you're planning to do. We can't decide on your relationship for you - it's about fate of two people!
Are you really looking for advise on how to deal with 'breakup'? It's not clear what your demand is to be honest.
I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering emotionally.
The bad news is at the moment you're going through rush of emotions... Mistrust, anger, disgust and probably fear of ending a long term relationship. These emotions are strong and it's highly probably that you will rush and make decisions that later you'll regret.
The good news is you controlled your emotions and asked for advise instead of rushing and end the relationship in anger.
Are you aware of a term Limerence? Majority of people consider it as love, whereas love and limerence are different. You might want to read Difference here: Limerence vs Love. Probably your relationship was driven by emotional decisions rather than compatibility, we can't really force someone to 'change' into what we wish them to be. Instead, the mature and adult way is to look for someone who is already compatible in 'many' aspects to what you're looking for. By that I mean choosing a partner based on rationality and not 'short-living' emotions.
Buddy you seem to be a sensitive person judging by your demands and your strong emphasis on emotions in this thread. I'm not sure if she's sensitive or not (probably not) but my suggestion is to look for someone sensitive who is capable of understanding your emotions.
At this moment you're rather emotionally overloaded... She might be a liar, or a thief. Even you're aware that you're not certain about her stealing from you. Give it time (a week) and then decide what you're planning to do. We can't decide on your relationship for you - it's about fate of two people!
Are you really looking for advise on how to deal with 'breakup'? It's not clear what your demand is to be honest.
Your quite right I am feeling pretty all over the place right now. One moment I feel such a sense of anger towards her, and the next I feel pretty empathetic towards her. Because I know that she wants a friend there for her, but I want more than this. It is worth pointing out that, I feel she was having 'cold feet' about our relationship for quite sometime, however, she would always never give me straight up answers, and was notorious for 'flip-flopping' around the issues.
Perhaps I ignored the intuitive 'gut-wrenching' feeling that was telling me to pay attention to the signs, but I guess there was a sense of denial, as I believe she was also in this state of mind. Wanting it to work, but fighting our differences, and perhaps a lack of sexual tension/attraction.
I guess you are right about the emotionally driven thing, I think that I wanted her to be more open with me and cooperative towards being more receptive to me (i.e. actually answering my questions and making sense of her own feelings, something which I believe she wasn't so sure herself). I think that we were fundamentally flawed on many levels, sexual compatibility, morals, beliefs and personality tastes, which ultimately kind of lead to our decline on a social level. Though, significantly it was her unwillingness to be honest with me (and my low threshold to emotional pain) that led to the overall demise of our relationship. I'm not sure I took the truth so well, I think if she had been a little honest with me from early beginnings I would have accepted gracefully.
As for ending it all, as far as I can comprehend, we are still an item. Though I can probably vouch that the partnership is well and truly dead. Its not only what was said, but what I have found that she potentially has done. I say potentially because I have no proof, but again, it all points to her. I am half tempted to kind of just cut my losses (albeit in a respectful sense). I certainly cannot see a future with her, given what I now know, simply cannot deal with this.
I am actually coping much better that expected. I haven't visibly expressed the emotion (haven't cried) and I just feel pretty strange in the sense that its all very raw.
I have certainly controlled the anger, yes. I full well know that if/and when I do see her (that is a big IF!) then it will be awkward. I think that I will not even mention the theft, but will essentially dodge a bullet and end it, slowly but cautiously removing her from my life.
I think that I would probably agree with your advice and take a week or two to simmer down. Meet up with her, and pretty much just tell her this can't go on, and make it clear that we are over- too much water under the bridge. Because, I feel, its important to make it clear, even if we both know deep down that its over. I would never leave a person in limbo or hurt another person because I am not the sort. But all this just hurts a lot.
I suppose right now I am emotionally numb, but preparing for a break-up. I feel it is inevitable, thus I feel I need to find ways to deal with the break-up to come. Thus my reasoning of writing this thread.
Yes, I have heard of Limerence, and it kind of rings very true. Even when I was early on into our relationship, I would question these sorts of topics. Real love v.s. pseudo-love et cetera.
I completely agree, maybe next time I need to be more active in the way that I compromise and give people a chance. I guess I kind of let a lot of things slip in terms of our overall compatibility. I think I just settled for things, rather than saying 'this is someone I want', 'I don't want this, she is more suited' etc etc.
I thank you for your advise!
OP I applaud your self-awareness and ability to see what was happening. My relationship is somewhat similar with the fact that I am overly aware of emotions and the dynamics, whereas my partner pays zero attention to such things. It gets very frustrating at times and certainly I wish I could be more ignorant of some things and just let them go past without spending forever in my mind - but sometimes it's nice to be so thoughtful. It isn't sensitivity in a negative way. I think it's great you have acknowledged what is wrong and have (sortof) acted on it and agree with the recommendations to cool off and then end it officially.
The only issue I'm curious about is the item - what was it? I don't think you need to see it as theft. It's daft, and quite immoral, but it sounds as though it was simply a petty, desperately grabbed thing to perhaps have an item of yours - something to grasp. Not necessarily with much intimate emotion, but to feel like there's something, at least. Also, perhaps she just wanted to really annoy you somewhat vindictively. I'm just not sure it was intentional malevolent theft as you perhaps describe it, though?
The only issue I'm curious about is the item - what was it? I don't think you need to see it as theft. It's daft, and quite immoral, but it sounds as though it was simply a petty, desperately grabbed thing to perhaps have an item of yours - something to grasp. Not necessarily with much intimate emotion, but to feel like there's something, at least. Also, perhaps she just wanted to really annoy you somewhat vindictively. I'm just not sure it was intentional malevolent theft as you perhaps describe it, though?
Original post by awe
OP I applaud your self-awareness and ability to see what was happening. My relationship is somewhat similar with the fact that I am overly aware of emotions and the dynamics, whereas my partner pays zero attention to such things. It gets very frustrating at times and certainly I wish I could be more ignorant of some things and just let them go past without spending forever in my mind - but sometimes it's nice to be so thoughtful. It isn't sensitivity in a negative way. I think it's great you have acknowledged what is wrong and have (sortof) acted on it and agree with the recommendations to cool off and then end it officially.
The only issue I'm curious about is the item - what was it? I don't think you need to see it as theft. It's daft, and quite immoral, but it sounds as though it was simply a petty, desperately grabbed thing to perhaps have an item of yours - something to grasp. Not necessarily with much intimate emotion, but to feel like there's something, at least. Also, perhaps she just wanted to really annoy you somewhat vindictively. I'm just not sure it was intentional malevolent theft as you perhaps describe it, though?
The only issue I'm curious about is the item - what was it? I don't think you need to see it as theft. It's daft, and quite immoral, but it sounds as though it was simply a petty, desperately grabbed thing to perhaps have an item of yours - something to grasp. Not necessarily with much intimate emotion, but to feel like there's something, at least. Also, perhaps she just wanted to really annoy you somewhat vindictively. I'm just not sure it was intentional malevolent theft as you perhaps describe it, though?
I can relate to how you are so super-analytic of everything, I'm just the same, and sometimes I believe it to be a curse more than a blessing. But I guess its just different people have different traits.
It certainly was very petty of her to do it, and I am still very much perplexed as to why she didn't take something worthwhile. This is the part that baffles me. She took my remote control for my television, as I understand the situation so far, I believe it was a vindictive act on her part. I think perhaps she wanted to make my life a little bit more harder than it currently is. Honestly though, I feel pity for her, because she has made my decision to end it, much more easier in theory. I am a forgiving person, however, our arguments, and her coldness/indifference towards me and coupled with the taking of the remote has just kind of diminished my empathetic side.
I am feeling bitter at the moment which to my mind seems plausible, however over time I expect that this will fade. I have contacted her to ask her for a short amount of her time, she seems very despondent to doing so, and more or less asked me what there is to talk about. I really just want to make it clear to her, and end it amicably. Because I hate being in limbo. Currently we are still an item, as it would seem, so I want to break it off to her sooner rather than later.
She is due anytime now, and so I hope she does show. She normally shows late on a night, and so I sincerely hope she does show so I get closure. But something tells me she may try to delay the inevitable to make me suffer.
Hello mate,
You sound much more at peace than last time, your tone is more thoughtful and grounded! It's the man I would like to have a conversation with.
It's just a shot in the dark but may be (just may be) your girlfriend is suffering from depression?
Would you like to convince her to visit a psychiatric counselor to detect the root problem that caused her depression (if there is any). It could be anything that you might not be aware of like an unpleasant childhood experience... Once the root problem is detected and she recovered gradually, naturally those attitudes that bothered you will also fade by great deal.
At the same time keep in mind that not everyone is responding to world the same way. You're more of a person who prefers to address issues immediately and directly, you prefer being clear and well defined answers yet she prefers having her options open than deciding/settling on an issue. That comes to the next difference between you guys: J vs P
In case you decided to continue the relationship, you can make positive changes in relationship by learning her nature and adapt to it. It's easier to maintain a healthy relationship once you understand her nature! Knowing really helps a lot, you can control your feelings if you realise how she functions, 9 out of 10 her motives are just innocent, so you wouldn't take anything to heart
I see that you already decided to end the relationship while you're strongly effected by temporary emotions. The deal is to stop any thoughts for now and clear your mind out of relationship for a least few days or a week. Once feelings settled then you can actually consider if you're willing to break up (the easy way) or improve the quality of your relationship, call it improve from F to B+ which is the hard way but you will learn a lot!
Decision is yours buddy! After a week, if you decided that you want to continue, then we can have a talk about your issues and differences, and ways that you can tackle them without either side losing. However if you concluded to end the relationship, my humble suggestion would be to write down a letter (formally) and mention:
- Reasons why you can't make her happy
- Reasons why she's not fit for you (be very respectful)
- And finally terms that you wish to agree upon once relationship is over.
Try not to blame her, or blame yourself, be just and reasonable on why the relationship doesn't succeed. Why should you do that? So that later you won't regret or feel guilty for being harsh or rude while breaking up - such feelings (shame, guilty, anger etc.) only makes her last longer in your heart, even months after break up - especially that you are a sensitive person.
- - - -
Finally, if you decided to break up, let me know please, I'll write you ways to cope with your break up to reduce the suffering associated with it.
Until you decide (please don't rush), try your best not to stay online a lot or in touch with her, or listen to songs that reminds you of 'love' Get busy with something you love! Football, chess, video games, studies etc.
P.S: How old are you and your lady?
Wish you good luck buddy.
You sound much more at peace than last time, your tone is more thoughtful and grounded! It's the man I would like to have a conversation with.
It's just a shot in the dark but may be (just may be) your girlfriend is suffering from depression?
Would you like to convince her to visit a psychiatric counselor to detect the root problem that caused her depression (if there is any). It could be anything that you might not be aware of like an unpleasant childhood experience... Once the root problem is detected and she recovered gradually, naturally those attitudes that bothered you will also fade by great deal.
At the same time keep in mind that not everyone is responding to world the same way. You're more of a person who prefers to address issues immediately and directly, you prefer being clear and well defined answers yet she prefers having her options open than deciding/settling on an issue. That comes to the next difference between you guys: J vs P
In case you decided to continue the relationship, you can make positive changes in relationship by learning her nature and adapt to it. It's easier to maintain a healthy relationship once you understand her nature! Knowing really helps a lot, you can control your feelings if you realise how she functions, 9 out of 10 her motives are just innocent, so you wouldn't take anything to heart
I see that you already decided to end the relationship while you're strongly effected by temporary emotions. The deal is to stop any thoughts for now and clear your mind out of relationship for a least few days or a week. Once feelings settled then you can actually consider if you're willing to break up (the easy way) or improve the quality of your relationship, call it improve from F to B+ which is the hard way but you will learn a lot!
Decision is yours buddy! After a week, if you decided that you want to continue, then we can have a talk about your issues and differences, and ways that you can tackle them without either side losing. However if you concluded to end the relationship, my humble suggestion would be to write down a letter (formally) and mention:
- Reasons why you can't make her happy
- Reasons why she's not fit for you (be very respectful)
- And finally terms that you wish to agree upon once relationship is over.
Try not to blame her, or blame yourself, be just and reasonable on why the relationship doesn't succeed. Why should you do that? So that later you won't regret or feel guilty for being harsh or rude while breaking up - such feelings (shame, guilty, anger etc.) only makes her last longer in your heart, even months after break up - especially that you are a sensitive person.
- - - -
Finally, if you decided to break up, let me know please, I'll write you ways to cope with your break up to reduce the suffering associated with it.
Until you decide (please don't rush), try your best not to stay online a lot or in touch with her, or listen to songs that reminds you of 'love'
Get busy with something you love! Football, chess, video games, studies etc. P.S: How old are you and your lady?
Wish you good luck buddy.
(edited 10 years ago)
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