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Please grade this english gcse piece

i have written my response to a writing to argue question. Please can you grade it and give me some feedback. Thank you so much.

Write a letter for the student newsletter in which you argue for the abolition of school uniform.

School uniform. Dull, unattractive and ordinary. School uniform is overrated and it is definitely not appreciated by students. Why should we, as students, be obliged to wear unpleasant clothing to represent “unity” every single day? Not only we are insecure and embarrassed of our uniforms, it strips of our individuality, and in essence it changes our identity.
A survey has been conducted in our school and a staggering amount of 73% of our pupils have agreed and expressed their despising views against school uniforms. Then why? Why is school uniform compulsory if the vast majority abhor school uniform? Well it seems like all the adults decide on the important decisions concerning our lives and we have no say. You, as a pupil of our school need to spread this hate message concerning school uniform; as pupils we have the right to freedom of thought hence I am striving to inform you on how to voice your thoughts so finally uniforms can be abolished.

Primarily, school uniforms disallow us to portray our true individuality, our clothes and style are a part of who we are and essentially school uniform takes a part of our identity away from us. Conversely, some may argue and convey that school uniform depicts an “eager to learn” attitude, however statistics have proven that school uniform does not affect a student’s attendance, behaviour nor academic achievement. In fact school uniform can even prevent us from learning.
Picture this, Anita, it was 8:35am which meant she only had five minutes to get to school; in those five minutes everything was a blur, she rushed to the kitchen to grab breakfast, she ran to the bathroom, she grabbed her blazer and rapidly sprinted to make it to the school gates. A teacher spotted her missing tie and demanded her to go back home, again she ran home, and was searching for her tie, and at last found it and hastily rushed back to her school. She arrived to school 20 minutes late missing out on her education and her lateness caused her to be behind on her classwork in comparison to the rest of her class. This is one of the impacts of school uniform, it actually prevents her education, and think about it those 20 minutes that she missed could have been one of the most important lessons, which to an extent it could have caused her to fail her exams.

Finally, I want to reiterate that school uniforms must be abolished, and part of that relies on you; there are possible solutions: we can protest again school uniform, we all can individually write a letter to our head teacher regarding our concerns and we can even organise a debate. Whatever the method, the message is simple. School uniforms must be abolished.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 1

Naomeyz_01

I really like it
probably a grade 5/6 to me

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Reply 2

the9-1labrat

Some more for and against points with a longer conclusion and I would give it a 7. Right now its at 5 or 6 for me.

Reply 3

EllyJelly

I don't know how the new grades work (6 years since I did my GCSEs) but I'd say this was a fairly good piece of work. Only criticism is that it seems to end quite abruptly. Was it written under timed conditions?

By the old way of marking, I'd say it's an A, if anyone can translate that. :tongue:

Reply 4

JoeWasHere

This is a very good Piece of writing. You have used statistics which is very nice and they will be looking for things like them. Very good overall so I would probably give it either a B or maybe an A. Possibly an A* too.