Grade my story ?
I am currently doing creative writing and can someone grade this short story with the banding system: band 1-9, with 9 being the best.
Saccharinely captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly into the azure, blue sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt. Tranquilly I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration of leaves, tenderly invaded my ears, like an Oprah of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play. Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly, gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
Saccharinely captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly into the azure, blue sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt. Tranquilly I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration of leaves, tenderly invaded my ears, like an Oprah of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play. Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly, gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
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I don't know how a GCSE creative writing paper is graded, so I'll go through this as if I was an editor reading a manuscript. This is what happens at university, and in real life, so this may be a little harsher than how you'll be graded at your level.
Saccharinely [is this the right word?] captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent [don't abuse a thesaurus when you're writing. Uncommon words are distracting. It's like trying to make a spicy meal with a whole jar of chilli flakes. Use them sparingly, it's much more effective] trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly [can trees emerge sophisticatedly? Is sophisticatedly even a word?] into the azure, blue [azure is blue, this description seems redundant. plus, everyone knows what colour the sky is. you probably don't need to say it.] sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt [this last clause takes away from the effect you're going for. You don't have to tell the reader everything - it's much better to give them a sense of unease rather than straight up say "you should feel uneasy at this part]. Tranquilly [avoid adverbs] I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration [again, don't do this.] of leaves, tenderly invaded [can something invade tenderly? doesn't seem right] my ears, like an Oprah [unless you're talking about the TV host, it should be opera] of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play.[this last clause is too wordy and doesn't really say much. probably take it out] Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly [avoid adverbs.], gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously [pick your favourite word out of these four (not including of) and delete the rest.] smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. [good metaphor] Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
---
Again, this might get you an amazing grade at GCSE. However, it's not really well written. If your mark scheme tells you to use big words, you're on for a winner. If it's telling you to write a story someone would actually want to read, it's pretty poor.
Saccharinely [is this the right word?] captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent [don't abuse a thesaurus when you're writing. Uncommon words are distracting. It's like trying to make a spicy meal with a whole jar of chilli flakes. Use them sparingly, it's much more effective] trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly [can trees emerge sophisticatedly? Is sophisticatedly even a word?] into the azure, blue [azure is blue, this description seems redundant. plus, everyone knows what colour the sky is. you probably don't need to say it.] sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt [this last clause takes away from the effect you're going for. You don't have to tell the reader everything - it's much better to give them a sense of unease rather than straight up say "you should feel uneasy at this part]. Tranquilly [avoid adverbs] I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration [again, don't do this.] of leaves, tenderly invaded [can something invade tenderly? doesn't seem right] my ears, like an Oprah [unless you're talking about the TV host, it should be opera] of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play.[this last clause is too wordy and doesn't really say much. probably take it out] Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly [avoid adverbs.], gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously [pick your favourite word out of these four (not including of) and delete the rest.] smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. [good metaphor] Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
---
Again, this might get you an amazing grade at GCSE. However, it's not really well written. If your mark scheme tells you to use big words, you're on for a winner. If it's telling you to write a story someone would actually want to read, it's pretty poor.
(edited 5 years ago)
AHAHAHA that was brutal, and I LIKE that 
. I have written a personal statement for sixth form and would like feedback but the mods of this forum aren't reviewing it for reasons you can find in the thread, I'd like you to give it a read and share your honest opinion along with points on which I could improve on.
personal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
. I have written a personal statement for sixth form and would like feedback but the mods of this forum aren't reviewing it for reasons you can find in the thread, I'd like you to give it a read and share your honest opinion along with points on which I could improve on.personal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
Original post by esralled
I don't know how a GCSE creative writing paper is graded, so I'll go through this as if I was an editor reading a manuscript. This is what happens at university, and in real life, so this may be a little harsher than how you'll be graded at your level.
Saccharinely [is this the right word?] captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent [don't abuse a thesaurus when you're writing. Uncommon words are distracting. It's like trying to make a spicy meal with a whole jar of chilli flakes. Use them sparingly, it's much more effective] trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly [can trees emerge sophisticatedly? Is sophisticatedly even a word?] into the azure, blue [azure is blue, this description seems redundant. plus, everyone knows what colour the sky is. you probably don't need to say it.] sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt [this last clause takes away from the effect you're going for. You don't have to tell the reader everything - it's much better to give them a sense of unease rather than straight up say "you should feel uneasy at this part]. Tranquilly [avoid adverbs] I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration [again, don't do this.] of leaves, tenderly invaded [can something invade tenderly? doesn't seem right] my ears, like an Oprah [unless you're talking about the TV host, it should be opera] of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play.[this last clause is too wordy and doesn't really say much. probably take it out] Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly [avoid adverbs.], gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously [pick your favourite word out of these four (not including of) and delete the rest.] smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. [good metaphor] Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
---
Again, this might get you an amazing grade at GCSE. However, it's not really well written. If your mark scheme tells you to use big words, you're on for a winner. If it's telling you to write a story someone would actually want to read, it's pretty poor.
Saccharinely [is this the right word?] captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent [don't abuse a thesaurus when you're writing. Uncommon words are distracting. It's like trying to make a spicy meal with a whole jar of chilli flakes. Use them sparingly, it's much more effective] trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly [can trees emerge sophisticatedly? Is sophisticatedly even a word?] into the azure, blue [azure is blue, this description seems redundant. plus, everyone knows what colour the sky is. you probably don't need to say it.] sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt [this last clause takes away from the effect you're going for. You don't have to tell the reader everything - it's much better to give them a sense of unease rather than straight up say "you should feel uneasy at this part]. Tranquilly [avoid adverbs] I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration [again, don't do this.] of leaves, tenderly invaded [can something invade tenderly? doesn't seem right] my ears, like an Oprah [unless you're talking about the TV host, it should be opera] of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play.[this last clause is too wordy and doesn't really say much. probably take it out] Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly [avoid adverbs.], gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously [pick your favourite word out of these four (not including of) and delete the rest.] smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. [good metaphor] Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
---
Again, this might get you an amazing grade at GCSE. However, it's not really well written. If your mark scheme tells you to use big words, you're on for a winner. If it's telling you to write a story someone would actually want to read, it's pretty poor.
I would't do that. People might steal your ideas and content. You wouldn't want to be plagiarised for your own work.
I've already gotten my offers and I still refuse anyone sees it since I worked hard on it.
I've already gotten my offers and I still refuse anyone sees it since I worked hard on it.
Original post by Xevzy
AHAHAHA that was brutal, and I LIKE that . I have written a personal statement for sixth form and would like feedback but the mods of this forum aren't reviewing it for reasons you can find in the thread, I'd like you to give it a read and share your honest opinion along with points on which I could improve on.
personal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
. I have written a personal statement for sixth form and would like feedback but the mods of this forum aren't reviewing it for reasons you can find in the thread, I'd like you to give it a read and share your honest opinion along with points on which I could improve on.personal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
(edited 5 years ago)
I can't provide what I think is an accurate grading but it's already obvious to me that you haven't ran a spell or grammar check, always the first thing to do when submitting work! Or if you have, it hasn't been carried out effectively.
The content however, I can imagine is very high grade. Depending on your target audience though, I would avoid using overly complex words where they are not needed; if you're aiming to make it accessible then these words may not give the tense effect that you're aiming for, as they are likely to be overlooked.
Nevertheless, great effort!
The content however, I can imagine is very high grade. Depending on your target audience though, I would avoid using overly complex words where they are not needed; if you're aiming to make it accessible then these words may not give the tense effect that you're aiming for, as they are likely to be overlooked.
Nevertheless, great effort!
Many of the words you've used have obviously been taken from a thesaurus. Do not focus on using big words, and instead focus on making it clear. It takes too much attention away from the story and ruins its flow. It's quite clear to anyone reading it that you're only trying to impress the examiner, and the words you're using are not even used correctly. You also need to spell check and grammar check. For instance, opera singers not Oprah singers.
It would achieve a much better grade I imagine if you work on those things.
It would achieve a much better grade I imagine if you work on those things.
Original post by Jakejoyce2016
I am currently doing creative writing and can someone grade this short story with the banding system: band 1-9, with 9 being the best.
Saccharinely captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly into the azure, blue sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt. Tranquilly I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration of leaves, tenderly invaded my ears, like an Oprah of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play. Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly, gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
Saccharinely captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly into the azure, blue sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt. Tranquilly I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration of leaves, tenderly invaded my ears, like an Oprah of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play. Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly, gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
(edited 5 years ago)
I am assuming your personal statement was for university? My personal statement is only for sixth form, and so it isn't as strictly monitored for plagiarism etc. I am most definitely going to write a new personal statement for university. So it shouldn't be much of an issue, with that said... would you like to take a look at my personal statement and tell me what you think and if you want, let me read yours.
Original post by LegallyJasmine
I would't do that. People might steal your ideas and content. You wouldn't want to be plagiarised for your own work.
I've already gotten my offers and I still refuse anyone sees it, since I worked hard on it.
I've already gotten my offers and I still refuse anyone sees it, since I worked hard on it.
The large majority suggested that the use of thevocuablary was rather over complicated. I do need to cut down on it but do you have any words or vocabulary which might be better than normal words for eg sad - melancholy ?
Oh? My mistake. I did not know there is a PS for sixth form. Sure, send it to me on PM. No, it's fine mine was only for applying to unis and I've already heard back from all of them, so I won't be using it anymore.
Original post by Xevzy
I am assuming your personal statement was for university? My personal statement is only for sixth form, and so it isn't as strictly monitored for plagiarism etc. I am most definitely going to write a new personal statement for university. So it shouldn't be much of an issue, with that said... would you like to take a look at my personal statement and tell me what you think and if you want, let me read yours.
was that "No" meaning I can't read your personal statement? 
but also here is the link to the thread where I posted my personal statement
Personal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
but also here is the link to the thread where I posted my personal statementPersonal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
Original post by LegallyJasmine
Oh? My mistake. I did not know there is a PS for sixth form. Sure, send it to me on PM. No, it's fine mine was only for applying to unis and I've already heard back from all of them, so I won't be using it anymore.
The thread link doesn't work. Anyways, why would you need to read mine? Sorry, I don't really know what sixth form is, haha. I applied for law so I don't know if that would be of any help to you? If it is, I might send it. It's just that pain, blood, sweat and tears were shed to write that PS, hahah. So, I am very overprotective of it even if I don't need it anymore.
Original post by Xevzy
was that "No" meaning I can't read your personal statement? but also here is the link to the thread where I posted my personal statement
Personal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
but also here is the link to the thread where I posted my personal statementPersonal statement:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=5813122&p=82431922#post82431922
(edited 5 years ago)
Okay so I am turning 16 years old right now, and Sixth form is basically a more "specialised" college however I know some countries refer to university as college. Sixth form is the school you attend before university. I would like to read yours because (without sounding egotistical) I have genuinely not found ONE personal statement which is actually engaging and/or interesting in anyway. It's mainly people talking about how they enjoy playing soccer or played piano since the age of five, and I think the link doesn't work because it is in a staff- view only forum (my mistake) anyway I have attached my personal statement as a file
Original post by LegallyJasmine
The thread link doesn't work. Anyways, why would you need to read mine? Sorry, I don't really know what sixth form is, haha. I applied for law so I don't know if that would be of any help to you? If it is, I might send it.
(edited 5 years ago)
Agh saying you haven't read an engaging one made me feel challenged and I am now inclined to send mine, hahaha. I'm looking over yours right now, I'll PM you mine, but you might not understand paragraphs 2 and 4 because they are very law focused.
Will get back to you in a bit on my thoughts
Will get back to you in a bit on my thoughts
Original post by Xevzy
Okay so I am turning 16 years old right now, and Sixth form is basically a more "specialised" college however I know some countries refer to university as college. Sixth form is the school you attend before university. I would like to read yours because (without sounding egotistical) I have genuinely not found ONE personal statement which is actually engaging and/or interesting in anyway. It's mainly people talking about how they enjoy playing soccer or played piano since the age of five, and I think the link doesn't work because it is in a staff- view only forum (my mistake) anyway I have attached my personal statement as a file
haha let's hope you make me eat my words, but on the flip side... let's hope I don't sound like a hypocrite 
Original post by LegallyJasmine
Agh saying you haven't read an engaging one made me feel challenged and I am now inclined to send mine, hahaha. I'm looking over yours right now, I'll PM you mine, but you might not understand paragraphs 2 and 4 because they are very law focused.
Will get back to you in a bit on my thoughts
Will get back to you in a bit on my thoughts
Original post by Jakejoyce2016
I am currently doing creative writing and can someone grade this short story with the banding system: band 1-9, with 9 being the best.
Saccharinely captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly into the azure, blue sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt. Tranquilly I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration of leaves, tenderly invaded my ears, like an Oprah of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play. Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly, gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
Saccharinely captivated by the forest’s idyllic views, arose an antique cottage which had been concealed by the gnarled roots of the many viridescent trees. The trees emerged sophisticatedly into the azure, blue sky, as a flock of elegant doves soared rather peculiarly last me, making it seem as though danger was to erupt. Tranquilly I ambled my way down the crooked path. Crunch. Crush. Cranch. The susurration of leaves, tenderly invaded my ears, like an Oprah of mellifluous singers. The sun was barely visible as the trees blocked it’s golden pigment but it splashed its beams of elation through the crevices. Gradually, this light was deteriorating as rain began to shower, permitting a tenebrous presence to come out to play. Pitter. Patter. I pulled my magenta fleece over my head whilst simultaneously getting saturated. Abruptly, gargantuan swashes of precipitation ferociously smacked against my fragile skin, as I trembled towards the slightly dilapidated door. I had no where else to turn but this source of shelter was a sight of relief. I screamed and shouted. No answer. But there was something. A cacophony of clamorous footsteps became increasingly louder as they came to a halt right beside the door. Suddenly, the door swung open and a rather towering physique emerged from the murk! I couldn’t quite observe their features but their protrudingly beast eyes of alabaster came into view as they encroached from the murk like an animal who had spent its life in perpetual darkness. Grotesquely long, think fingers reached out and there I went. Silence current. I am now incarcerated and subjected to gloominess. I persistently endure waves of perplexity as they surge through my mind daily, intending to answer the question to why I am here.
You'd probably get into a high band for the vocabulary. However, English is about a lot more than just using long, complicated words. I can see what you're trying to do, but to be honest it makes it quite hard to read! Unusual words are definitely great, but don't use so many that it sounds like you've used a thesaurus for each word. I agree with the previous comments - while you clearly have the vocab, your punctuation could be a little more varied to get you to higher bands. There are some small inaccuracies with some of your commas too - maybe punctuation would be a good area to go over. Read your story out loud to yourself when you're done, pausing with each comma - if it sounds natural, you know you've got it right! That might help with not overdoing the vocab too - if you're reading it and it sounds too convoluted, it's probably a sign that you need to simplify some of the words. I got 35/40 on my GCSE prose story, and I used less complex language but more varied sentence lengths and a range of punctuation.
Good luck with your GCSEs!
Okay Thankyou very much. Do you have any vocabulary material in which I could use or materials in relation to creative writing
Love it. Love it. Love it. Just spotted a few grammar mistakes and fixed them and one sentence was too long, so I broke it up to two. Other than that, I love how creative and engaging it is. I'll PM you the fixed version, and you can look over it.
Sorry for derailing your thread, OP!
Sorry for derailing your thread, OP!
Original post by Xevzy
haha let's hope you make me eat my words, but on the flip side... let's hope I don't sound like a hypocrite
(edited 5 years ago)
I'm afraid I don't, but the best thing to do is to brainstorm lots of random storylines from random phrases/words (e.g. "The Choice", "The Birthday" etc) and practise writing some out.
Original post by Jakejoyce2016
Okay Thankyou very much. Do you have any vocabulary material in which I could use or materials in relation to creative writing
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