Help please!

So my boyfriend of now almost a year is talking with his ex and it’s scaring me. For a bit of context, him and his ex broke up after a two year (and few months) relationship when she left him, and then told him she’s cheated on him multiple times through the relationship. She’s currently dating someone (that doesn’t make me feel better about them talking because when he says she’s got a bf, my mind says it didn’t stop her before). They live in the same small town and it’s hard to avoid each other. She was his first gf and he wasn’t planning on dating after and then he met me and we got together really quickly because it just made sense. Two months ago when he was back home for the holidays, she met up with him randomly (they’ve got a small pub everyone meets and common friends, and she showed up). She talked to him and told him how she’s sorry and she feels bad and it was just closure and he told me the whole thing, she got him to unblock her everywhere and I thought that was the end of it. A month after this, when we were out with friends and drunk he opened his Snapchat and I noticed his exs name on the 2nd most snap chatted and I asked if that was his ex, part of me wanted to believe he knew someone else of the same name and he said no it was her and that they’d been talking. It was kind of miscommunication cause I thought that he just unblocked her but turns of closure included being able to talk to each other as friends and she had a snapstreak with him and he knew what all she’d been up to and they’d been talking everyday. I broke down and left and cried and he came of check on me, we talked about it and I told him how it made me feel and he told me how it would be awkward if they’d just blocked each other when they’re in the same town again but he doesn’t feel anything for her. I told him how I don’t wanna be the crazy controlling gf and I know he’s not like my exs but it’s freaking me out and making me sick in the stomach, he said he understood the feeling and that he felt that way majority of their relationship and he doesn’t want me feeling that way and he would message her saying that his gf me doesn’t want him talking to his ex her because it makes me feel uneasy and what not and they’re on good terms but not gonna talk and not blocked. She said she understands and as far as I knew they stopped talking. I overthink and I was nervous after and he promised me and then pinky promised he wouldn’t talk to her again and it’s done. Yesterday when I plugged his phone in to charge I saw a message from her and got nervous and side swiped his message to see that they’d been talking again. I didn’t click it but it made me sad and I asked him if they’d been talking again and he said yea but like not much and explained how a couple days back she messaged again saying she wanted to check up on him and if he was okay and he said he was and asked how she was and she started talking about what’s going on with her. I was hurt he didn’t tell me about any of this and broke off the promise and he was genuinly sorry he hurt me. He accepted it being his mistake and he shouldn’t have invited conversation and told me earlier but he said that he just wanted to feel liked by everyone and when I compliment him and stuff it felt like an obligation and didn’t feel right because I’m his gf and he’s never had an ex before and doesn’t know how it works, and I said it’s obvious she still likes him and he said he just has never been in that position before and he’s not gonna justify what he did because he knows it’s wrong. It’s just he hates making me upset and seeing me cry because of him which is why his reaction is to just hide it. I asked if she kept the conversation up if he’d just keep replying and he said he didn’t know, that he didn’t think it would become a conversation. He said he’d block her now after messaging her asking her not to talk to him, I just don’t know how to feel right now. I love him more than anything else and I’m not leaving him even though he said he’d understand if I’d break up with him because he broke my trust, and he loves me more than anything else. I’m just extra worried cause we’re kind of going through a rough patch but that’s a more testosterone and hormones and sex drive kind of question which hurts me on whether he still finds me attractive me cause it’s been harder for him to kind of show that lately. I kind of want to message her and tell her to stay away and leave things in the past but he also said he knows she’ll just twist what I say and he doesn’t want his home town to think I’m “anything less than perfect” because he’d rather them all meet me in person. Tips and advice would be appreciated, just anything. I’ve been crying all day and he’s feeling bad and when he kisses me I don’t really wanna kiss him back. At the same time even thought I feel like I want to be away I don’t really wanna be alone away from him.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Hi, I feel for you. I'm not going to lie, back a few years I was the boyfriend in your situation (with another girl, not my ex). You seem somewhat logical, and not blinded by love to excuses. I think your boyfriend is lying because I used the same excuses. I said I lied because I thought it was innocent but I didn't want my partner to be upset over nothing. I said that when we communicated it was because she reached out to me. I told my partner not to contact her because she would "twist words", but the truth of that is that he is scared that she will tell you that he has wanted to keep communication, or even show you messages you don't know about. I also made promises but the truth is I (and he) just used that to fix the problem and hoped not to get caught again. This is an age and maturity thing, something I have now passed but your boyfriend is in the middle of. I assume you both are young.

In summary, I would say your boyfriend 1) needs time to be single and enjoy female attention and other things, and 2) still has some feelings for his ex. He is using all of the classic excuses and signs that someone dishonest uses (blame the other person, claim they are trying not to hurt you etc.). But when you stand back and think logically, it is very very very easy to stay faithful and not hurt someone if you don't want to. Please resist the urge to forgive his behaviour because of your feelings. Whatever happens in the end, just know we all experience heartbreak at a young age, and we all learn and grow until we find the right person at the right time. You will be fine and you seem cool. Do not settle for anything less than the happiness you deserve. I hope this helps a bit, coming from a guy who wasn't very nice himself and lost a great girl the same way. Good luck.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, I feel for you. I'm not going to lie, back a few years I was the boyfriend in your situation (with another girl, not my ex). You seem somewhat logical, and not blinded by love to excuses. I think your boyfriend is lying because I used the same excuses. I said I lied because I thought it was innocent but I didn't want my partner to be upset over nothing. I said that when we communicated it was because she reached out to me. I told my partner not to contact her because she would "twist words", but the truth of that is that he is scared that she will tell you that he has wanted to keep communication, or even show you messages you don't know about. I also made promises but the truth is I (and he) just used that to fix the problem and hoped not to get caught again. This is an age and maturity thing, something I have now passed but your boyfriend is in the middle of. I assume you both are young.

In summary, I would say your boyfriend 1) needs time to be single and enjoy female attention and other things, and 2) still has some feelings for his ex. He is using all of the classic excuses and signs that someone dishonest uses (blame the other person, claim they are trying not to hurt you etc.). But when you stand back and think logically, it is very very very easy to stay faithful and not hurt someone if you don't want to. Please resist the urge to forgive his behaviour because of your feelings. Whatever happens in the end, just know we all experience heartbreak at a young age, and we all learn and grow until we find the right person at the right time. You will be fine and you seem cool. Do not settle for anything less than the happiness you deserve. I hope this helps a bit, coming from a guy who wasn't very nice himself and lost a great girl the same way. Good luck.

He sent her another message saying he doesn't want to talk to her and doesn't want her to try and reach out to him again and how he forgives her and doesn't hate her or anything but wants to leave the past in the past. And then he blocked her, on all the social media platforms where she got him to unblock her from. We have each other's face IDs on each others phone so we can unlock it at anytime, and I get what you mean and what happened there but I don't think he did try to contact her. I can see the messages, and it isn't possible to delete messages on Snapchat without it showing that a message had been deleted, and being the insecure person I am I did scroll back and check and it was her who did message first asking if it was fine to check on her. He isn't the kind to cheat either, he told me once that the only two women who have ever made the first move in paying attention to him or initiating a friendship was me and his ex. I understand he's got strong ties to her but he also did tell me after meeting her last Xmas (when him and I were together and it had been almost 7 months since they broke up) during a class reunion that seeing her made him realize that there isn't anything left in that small town for him, and that his future is with me. I already did forgive him and he's been trying to make it up to me. I've been through plenty of heartbreak before and this time seems like the right person.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

He sent her another message saying he doesn't want to talk to her and doesn't want her to try and reach out to him again and how he forgives her and doesn't hate her or anything but wants to leave the past in the past. And then he blocked her, on all the social media platforms where she got him to unblock her from. We have each other's face IDs on each others phone so we can unlock it at anytime, and I get what you mean and what happened there but I don't think he did try to contact her. I can see the messages, and it isn't possible to delete messages on Snapchat without it showing that a message had been deleted, and being the insecure person I am I did scroll back and check and it was her who did message first asking if it was fine to check on her. He isn't the kind to cheat either, he told me once that the only two women who have ever made the first move in paying attention to him or initiating a friendship was me and his ex. I understand he's got strong ties to her but he also did tell me after meeting her last Xmas (when him and I were together and it had been almost 7 months since they broke up) during a class reunion that seeing her made him realize that there isn't anything left in that small town for him, and that his future is with me. I already did forgive him and he's been trying to make it up to me. I've been through plenty of heartbreak before and this time seems like the right person.

Then I wish you all the best x

Reply 4

mh3236

6

Original post by Anonymous

Hi, I feel for you. I'm not going to lie, back a few years I was the boyfriend in your situation (with another girl, not my ex). You seem somewhat logical, and not blinded by love to excuses. I think your boyfriend is lying because I used the same excuses. I said I lied because I thought it was innocent but I didn't want my partner to be upset over nothing. I said that when we communicated it was because she reached out to me. I told my partner not to contact her because she would "twist words", but the truth of that is that he is scared that she will tell you that he has wanted to keep communication, or even show you messages you don't know about. I also made promises but the truth is I (and he) just used that to fix the problem and hoped not to get caught again. This is an age and maturity thing, something I have now passed but your boyfriend is in the middle of. I assume you both are young.

In summary, I would say your boyfriend 1) needs time to be single and enjoy female attention and other things, and 2) still has some feelings for his ex. He is using all of the classic excuses and signs that someone dishonest uses (blame the other person, claim they are trying not to hurt you etc.). But when you stand back and think logically, it is very very very easy to stay faithful and not hurt someone if you don't want to. Please resist the urge to forgive his behaviour because of your feelings. Whatever happens in the end, just know we all experience heartbreak at a young age, and we all learn and grow until we find the right person at the right time. You will be fine and you seem cool. Do not settle for anything less than the happiness you deserve. I hope this helps a bit, coming from a guy who wasn't very nice himself and lost a great girl the same way. Good luck.

to long to read but goodluck

Help please!

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