Essay Feedback (Ozymandias and London)

Hello

I would be thankful if someone could read my answer on AQA GCSE English Literature Paper 2 Section B power and conflict poetry and give me a mark out of 30. I want to practise writing good essays under time restrictions and although this isn't that good of an essay since I don't know too much on the poems, I would love some feedback on it!

Compare how poets present ideas about power and control in ‘London’ and in one other poem [Ozymandias] from ‘Power and conflict’.

In London, the authorities have power and control over the city and they use their power to control everything, but this control causes problems such as the plague. Similarly, in Ozymandias, Ozymandias is portrayed as powerful and controlling over the public although the irony is that his power does not last. He only cares about himself and controlling the world around him. Both of these poems portray power and control as a negative thing that doesn’t benefit anyone other than the people in charge.

In London, the people are trapped in ‘mind-forged manacles’ and this suggests that the authorities have created these manacles on their mind. They have used their power to trap people and the metaphor of the manacles and how it is ‘mind-forged’ also suggests that the citizens themselves have also trapped themselves in this mental state of control from the influence of the authorities. In Ozymandias, He days to ‘look on my works ye mighty and despair’. This is ironic because the noun ‘works’ usually refers to artwork and the only thing that is recognised in the statue is the sculptures artwork. The sculpture remains while Ozymandias doesn’t. Just like in London, Ozymandias has a lot of power, but it also suggests that soon, the authorities would soon lose their power too just like Ozymandias eventually did. Ozymandias doesn’t use his power for good and instead just uses it to control people. This is similar to the ideas of how the people with power in London control people and it suggests that they won’t be remembered and instead the new London will be recognised in the future after the authorities have been overthrown.

In London, the authorities control the city with the ‘chartered street :undefined:

’. Although this should be a good thing, it emphasises how they like to control things and that they have everything how they want it. The four quatrains of equal length creates a sense of control for the poem and it further portrays how the people in charge control everyone in London. Similarly, in Ozymandias, he has a ‘sneer of cold command’. The word ‘sneer’ suggests that he doesn’t care for the people that he is commanding and just wants to control. He doesn’t sympathise with anyone and is just their for the power. This is emphasised with the alliteration and he is ‘cold’ because he doesn’t take into account the citizens. This links to how the authorities of London only care about controlling and they don’t sympathise with the people who are suffering such as the ‘chimney-sweepers’ who are dying. Ozymandias most likely had people in his empire who were also suffering and dying because he failed to use his sense of control for good. The poem is written as a disrupted sonnet even though they are usually love poems. However, the irony is that Ozymandias only loves himself and that is why is disrupted. He only cares about himself and the only person he would ever love and look after is himself. The writer may perhaps be saying that a more democratic system could solve this and that this way of controlling is not effective.

In London, Blake reveals his change in message with a volta. He shifts his perspective to protest about the diseases that men are getting from cheating on their wives with prostitutes. These ‘plagues’ are being passed down and created children with abnormalities and the ‘marriage hearse’ is because of this. We know that Blake doesn’t think that marriage is a bad thing because he married an illiterate women, so he must be talking about the disease that children are being born with. It is because of the authorities control and power that this is not being regulated and married men are going at and sleeping with other women. Blake wants this to stop, so that people can be born to have a chance of surviving without these diseases. In Ozymandias, although people may not have had diseases like this, Ozymandias was ‘the hand that mocked them and the heart that fed’ This is ironic because he didn’t feed his people because he just didn’t care about them. His hand mocking them is as if he is waving at them, but not in a good way. He is just thinking about his power and control. He doesn’t care for people, so just like in ‘London’, their may be suffering that he doesn’t care to notice, and this type of ruler is not beneficial to the citizens. Both Poems portray the rulers as powerful and controlling. Instead of using their power to help the people they just use it to control them in a way that doesn’t allow them to be free. They aren’t noticing the suffering that is going on in their countries because they are only focussed on control.

In conclusion, both poems present the authorities and the people with power as selfish, controlling and ignorant. They don’t see the effects of their ignorance and they aren’t remembered after they’re gone. The consequences such as the ‘marriage hearse’ in London causes disfunctions in the society and Ozymandias’ ruling is not benefitting the citizens. The message is that a more democratic system would be more beneficial and that this type of ruler is not ideal.

Reply 1

Curious_Bilawi

I can provide feedback to help improve your writing.

Firstly, it is important to remember to include a clear introduction that states the poems being discussed and their themes. This helps to provide structure and guide the reader.

In your essay, you have effectively compared and contrasted the portrayal of power and control in 'London' and 'Ozymandias'. You have analyzed the use of language and literary techniques to convey the negative effects of power, and have connected these ideas to broader themes of societal dysfunction and the need for a more democratic system.

However, to improve your essay, you may want to consider adding more depth to your analysis. For instance, you could discuss the historical context of the poems and how this informs their portrayal of power. Additionally, you could expand on the literary techniques used by the poets, such as the use of imagery or symbolism, and how these contribute to the poems' themes.

Another suggestion would be to work on your sentence structure and phrasing to make your writing more concise and clear. For example, instead of saying "He only cares about himself and controlling the world around him," you could write "He only cares about himself and using his power to control those around him."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the poems and their themes. With some additional analysis and improvements in sentence structure, your writing could become even stronger. Keep up the good work!