Should I take a year out?
In short, my narcissistic, sociopathic uncle is ruining my life. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
He has always been a vile person: racist to the point he has been prosecuted. Vile. He has no humanity, no empathy and is now completely alone as a result.
In 2020, totally out of the blue he told us he had an extremely rare genetic lung condition only 3000 people in the world have and he only had 6 months to live. (It’s 2023 and he’s still here…) he has made my family’s life hell ever since. We have not had a break or a holiday from him. He texts saying he is dying or needs something- I once counted 40-80 texts per day. He’ll text to say he is constipated or needs incontinence pads at midnight. He will call at 3:00 a.m. saying he can’t breathe- we rush over and there is nothing wrong. We have been living with this level of hell for 3 years.
Despite all of this, I got a place at Oxford. Initially I took a gap year on compassionate grounds believing my uncle when he said he had months to live. I had to go this year but I really don’t think I can continue. I have had to move home because my mum can’t cope with my uncle. I am struggling SO badly to get a 2:2 first year. My college are amazing and have made so many allowances for me but they can only do so much.
I am utterly exhausted by life. In my gap year I worked, earned money and travelled often to escape. Now I don’t have the means to do that.
Please don’t tell me to move out- I know I should. I tried but within 3 weeks my mum has been hospitalised with exhaustion because she couldn’t cope. We tried to get carers for him but he cancelled them and he is still apparently mentally fit so his wishes are what happens.
Do I have any other options? A year likely won’t solve it- I can’t see he will have died by then when according to him his death has been imminent for three years. I really don’t want to give up my place at Oxford but I just can’t continue like this. Oxford was my dream but I can’t enjoy it at all. I am considering transferring to an Ivy League perhaps but I just want to be at Oxford.
He has always been a vile person: racist to the point he has been prosecuted. Vile. He has no humanity, no empathy and is now completely alone as a result.
In 2020, totally out of the blue he told us he had an extremely rare genetic lung condition only 3000 people in the world have and he only had 6 months to live. (It’s 2023 and he’s still here…) he has made my family’s life hell ever since. We have not had a break or a holiday from him. He texts saying he is dying or needs something- I once counted 40-80 texts per day. He’ll text to say he is constipated or needs incontinence pads at midnight. He will call at 3:00 a.m. saying he can’t breathe- we rush over and there is nothing wrong. We have been living with this level of hell for 3 years.
Despite all of this, I got a place at Oxford. Initially I took a gap year on compassionate grounds believing my uncle when he said he had months to live. I had to go this year but I really don’t think I can continue. I have had to move home because my mum can’t cope with my uncle. I am struggling SO badly to get a 2:2 first year. My college are amazing and have made so many allowances for me but they can only do so much.
I am utterly exhausted by life. In my gap year I worked, earned money and travelled often to escape. Now I don’t have the means to do that.
Please don’t tell me to move out- I know I should. I tried but within 3 weeks my mum has been hospitalised with exhaustion because she couldn’t cope. We tried to get carers for him but he cancelled them and he is still apparently mentally fit so his wishes are what happens.
Do I have any other options? A year likely won’t solve it- I can’t see he will have died by then when according to him his death has been imminent for three years. I really don’t want to give up my place at Oxford but I just can’t continue like this. Oxford was my dream but I can’t enjoy it at all. I am considering transferring to an Ivy League perhaps but I just want to be at Oxford.
Anon, I'm really sorry for the position you and your mum are in. 
You both sound like absolutely wonderful people to have empathy for your uncle still, despite the position he is putting you both in.
The fact that he has cancelled carers, and the impact that this is having on you and your mum though, makes me think that sometimes, in order to put yourself first, it may seem cruel. But this is your future and both you and your mum's wellbeing we're talking about.
You have got to put yourself first, because rarely will anybody else do so.
You need to have a conversation with your mum and place boundaries up with your uncle. You can't both go on being so affected by this man when he's unwilling to accept a carer's help in your stead. That's nonsense. Worst case scenario, I would get him to redivert these texts to a service that can help and block his number if you have to. That may sound extreme, but it sounds like he's taking advantage of you and your mum's generosity instead of actually taking steps to help himself (like accepting help from a carer), seeing as he's mentally fit enough to make that decision.
I speak from experience when I say that putting yourself through university when you're feeling absolutely exhausted and emotionally raw/ fragile is not a great idea, it can be done but if you have the opportunity for a gap year, I would take it under the condition that you and your family take it as an opportunity to work on this situation so that you're feeling better and more prepared for next year. Trying to wait for your uncle to pass away is not the solution here.
Does your uncle, or do you have any other family you can turn to for support? You can also speak to services to get support if you're finding placing boundaries difficult.
You both sound like absolutely wonderful people to have empathy for your uncle still, despite the position he is putting you both in. The fact that he has cancelled carers, and the impact that this is having on you and your mum though, makes me think that sometimes, in order to put yourself first, it may seem cruel. But this is your future and both you and your mum's wellbeing we're talking about.
You have got to put yourself first, because rarely will anybody else do so.
You need to have a conversation with your mum and place boundaries up with your uncle. You can't both go on being so affected by this man when he's unwilling to accept a carer's help in your stead. That's nonsense. Worst case scenario, I would get him to redivert these texts to a service that can help and block his number if you have to. That may sound extreme, but it sounds like he's taking advantage of you and your mum's generosity instead of actually taking steps to help himself (like accepting help from a carer), seeing as he's mentally fit enough to make that decision.
I speak from experience when I say that putting yourself through university when you're feeling absolutely exhausted and emotionally raw/ fragile is not a great idea, it can be done but if you have the opportunity for a gap year, I would take it under the condition that you and your family take it as an opportunity to work on this situation so that you're feeling better and more prepared for next year. Trying to wait for your uncle to pass away is not the solution here.
Does your uncle, or do you have any other family you can turn to for support? You can also speak to services to get support if you're finding placing boundaries difficult.
Original post by Anonymous
In short, my narcissistic, sociopathic uncle is ruining my life. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
He has always been a vile person: racist to the point he has been prosecuted. Vile. He has no humanity, no empathy and is now completely alone as a result.
In 2020, totally out of the blue he told us he had an extremely rare genetic lung condition only 3000 people in the world have and he only had 6 months to live. (It’s 2023 and he’s still here…) he has made my family’s life hell ever since. We have not had a break or a holiday from him. He texts saying he is dying or needs something- I once counted 40-80 texts per day. He’ll text to say he is constipated or needs incontinence pads at midnight. He will call at 3:00 a.m. saying he can’t breathe- we rush over and there is nothing wrong. We have been living with this level of hell for 3 years.
Despite all of this, I got a place at Oxford. Initially I took a gap year on compassionate grounds believing my uncle when he said he had months to live. I had to go this year but I really don’t think I can continue. I have had to move home because my mum can’t cope with my uncle. I am struggling SO badly to get a 2:2 first year. My college are amazing and have made so many allowances for me but they can only do so much.
I am utterly exhausted by life. In my gap year I worked, earned money and travelled often to escape. Now I don’t have the means to do that.
Please don’t tell me to move out- I know I should. I tried but within 3 weeks my mum has been hospitalised with exhaustion because she couldn’t cope. We tried to get carers for him but he cancelled them and he is still apparently mentally fit so his wishes are what happens.
Do I have any other options? A year likely won’t solve it- I can’t see he will have died by then when according to him his death has been imminent for three years. I really don’t want to give up my place at Oxford but I just can’t continue like this. Oxford was my dream but I can’t enjoy it at all. I am considering transferring to an Ivy League perhaps but I just want to be at Oxford.
He has always been a vile person: racist to the point he has been prosecuted. Vile. He has no humanity, no empathy and is now completely alone as a result.
In 2020, totally out of the blue he told us he had an extremely rare genetic lung condition only 3000 people in the world have and he only had 6 months to live. (It’s 2023 and he’s still here…) he has made my family’s life hell ever since. We have not had a break or a holiday from him. He texts saying he is dying or needs something- I once counted 40-80 texts per day. He’ll text to say he is constipated or needs incontinence pads at midnight. He will call at 3:00 a.m. saying he can’t breathe- we rush over and there is nothing wrong. We have been living with this level of hell for 3 years.
Despite all of this, I got a place at Oxford. Initially I took a gap year on compassionate grounds believing my uncle when he said he had months to live. I had to go this year but I really don’t think I can continue. I have had to move home because my mum can’t cope with my uncle. I am struggling SO badly to get a 2:2 first year. My college are amazing and have made so many allowances for me but they can only do so much.
I am utterly exhausted by life. In my gap year I worked, earned money and travelled often to escape. Now I don’t have the means to do that.
Please don’t tell me to move out- I know I should. I tried but within 3 weeks my mum has been hospitalised with exhaustion because she couldn’t cope. We tried to get carers for him but he cancelled them and he is still apparently mentally fit so his wishes are what happens.
Do I have any other options? A year likely won’t solve it- I can’t see he will have died by then when according to him his death has been imminent for three years. I really don’t want to give up my place at Oxford but I just can’t continue like this. Oxford was my dream but I can’t enjoy it at all. I am considering transferring to an Ivy League perhaps but I just want to be at Oxford.
Hey, fellow Oxford grad here, really sorry to hear about your situation. First and foremost, please keep in touch with your college and always let them know what's going on because colleges are usually really good with being understanding towards students.
First academia wise, I will say that going to Ivy League won't be a straight-forward process as a UK student and I highly encourage you to stick with Oxford despite your circumstances. I would say if you can get a 2.2 in 1st year and really don't want to take a year out, then work towards the 2.2 so you can move on to the honours school, and use the summer to get your life on track for second year (at Oxford the 1st year doesn't count towards your final grade so you'll be fine). Alternatively, I know many of my friends rusticated at Oxford and came back better for it, so this is also an option available to you and you should take it if you feel like it will help you get in a better physical and mental state.
What's going on in your personal life can and will be resolved one way or another even if it doesn't seem like it right now. What I would advise is getting in touch with your local GP (Oxford has some great ones at Beaumont St) and explaining the situation to them and asking for some advice on any support your uncle might be able to receive so you and your mum can continue to live your life. I understand you've said that your uncle has refused carers - at this point I think you should be arguing that this is no longer for him to decide because he is impacting multiple lives rather than just his own, so this might be an option to pursue on that level. I'm sure you've probably tried some of these options already but you have to exhaust every opportunity available to you, and you might also need to have a frank conversation with your mother about how you need to remove yourself from these stresses in order to succeed at university, because this really doesn't sound like something that should be getting in the way of your individual success, and your mum will understand that - from there, cutting contact will have to be an option on the table even if your mum will be overloaded, because at least that will make it clear to the social care services that extra support is needed in your household. But please don't drop-out or transfer as the alternative routes are rarely easily, instead just stick with Oxford and try to work these problems out.
Feel free to get in touch if there's anyway I can help.
(edited 1 year ago)
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