Year 13 here. Taking a gap year because I think that going to uni any time soon will destroy me.
I'm someone who's supposed to go to uni because of my good grades and the fact I use sophisticated vocabulary to disguise the fact that I'm just as clueless- if not more so- than everyone else.
I feel really lost at the moment. I thought for sure that I wanted to go to uni and study English literature with film, but now I'm not so sure. I never had a specific career in mind besides unrealistic ambitions of becoming a writer. I used to consider going into teaching, but I've become disillusioned with the education system recently, and I think re-joining it would be another sure-fire way of sending me to an early grave.
In general, I don't know what I want anymore. I like to watch TV and YouTube, write and sleep, but I've realised that doing only that makes me sort of numb and lonely. But, socialising isn't easy for me either; it's a draining experience that makes me hate myself. The only thing that I know for sure that I want is friends and family. I'll probably want a romantic partner at some point, but I don't have high enough self-esteem to believe that I'll end up anything other than alone, miserable and destitute. I suppose that I'll likely end up on minimum wage for the rest of my life with my lack of direction, and I'll doom myself to a miserable existence.
I think one of the main reasons I feel so dejected is that I'm trans/nonbinary, mostly closeted and the UK kinda sucks for us trans people at the moment. I feel like I'll never get to be who I truly am- and who I need to be in order to want to keep living. I can't transition privately because my family isn't well-off in the slightest. Every day, I experience varying levels of discomfort. I've never told anyone about my dysphoria because no one I know will get it. I feel so utterly alone.
I don't think anyone knows how difficult I'm finding just existing at the moment. I know there are people who have it worse off than me, so I feel bad about sounding so miserable. My exams start in a month and I really can't bring myself to do much because I feel so lost and defeated, as though I might as well give up now, because I haven't done nearly enough to do well.
I'm so sick of everything.
I feel like there's no point in thinking ahead, because I might not make it that far.