At a loss
Sorry folks, I just really needed to rant/vent somewhere; I'm not having a good time at the moment, or at all really
My name is Liv, I'm 18, I'm from the North West, my main interests are politics & Doctor Who and in terms of education, life is sucking pretty hard, a quick disclaimer first that I am autistic and suffer from both depression & anxiety so please be kind if you decide to reply
To sum up: I had to drop out of high school in Year 10 (autumn 2019 so just before COVID) because I was bullied relentlessly, I didn't have any friends and that all inevitably led to pretty bad mental health issues which led to me being stuck in hospital a lot, it was a pretty grim time... so my GP said "yeah no you definitely need a break, goodness me" and so ensued a year-long /hiatus/ of sorts... which coincided with COVID hitting; when lockdown hit, basically nothing had changed for me, being stuck at home was usual so I didn't see any real difference
Before that though, we'd tried one-on-one tutoring & other stuff, it didn't work out, I couldn't handle it being just me and one other person, the focus felt too intense and I just felt /lonely/ so that didn't end up working out.
During this period I was preyed on by a group of creepy older men and I now suffer from PTSD as a result of that - but that's a whole other story.
And then after a lot of pavlova over the summer, my high school (who I was technically still linked to) managed to agree some sort of package deal for me where come September 2020, I would go to a specialist art college for one day a week and then I'd visit high school on some days the rest of the week. My high school made a lot of adjustments for me, the SEN team there put up with a lot considering the vulnerable state I was in - they even let me not wear uniform and let me just turn up in my own clothes.
But every time I went after going back for that first month, it just felt the same, it felt /lonely/, I tried, I really tried to dive out of my comfort zone because I so desperately wanted friends, I wanted my GCSEs, I wanted it/needed it to work! But it just felt lonely, there's not a lot you can do when nobody wants to be your friend at the end of the day.
The specialist art college though? Oh I thrived, it was a college for neurodivergent people/people with bad anxiety/etc and oh the support system I had there was fab, I made two new friends and we formed our own little friendship group - just what I'd always wanted!
So after not long, the high school agreed to fund me going to the college on most days instead; even having a taxi pick me up each morning to take me there & back - I'm so glad they were willing to be so adjustable to my needs - I was in such a fragile & vulnerable state that them helping out like that was massive for me.
But when going to the art college, what we had all agreed was that I would transition to the nearby mainstream college the following September (2021) and that because of the circumstances of my situation, it had been agreed between my SEN support, all parties and the mainstream college that me not having sat GCSEs would be fine and that I could go directly onto a Level 2 Course in Film & Media.
This had been checked multiple times throughout the year - even up to a month before the induction day in August, we were on a tour and they mentioned it at the time - it'd been agreed and checked multiple times!
Come the induction day, one of my SEN support teachers decided she'd come with me to the induction day (Once again, a gem to be doing it off her own back like that) and... that's when things fell apart even more. At the induction day, the college suddenly turned around /at the very last second/ and told me I wouldn't be allowed to go onto the Level 2 course because of the fact I didn't have GCSEs... despite the fact it had been agreed(!!!) by them that that would be what was happening.
My SEN teacher from high school argued with them relentlessly, sent out countless emails as much as she could - but there was no changing their minds. The reasoning they gave was that the teacher that had agreed to take me on in spite of the lack of GCSEs had suddenly left(?) so they couldn't do it anymore - even though the teacher of the media course on the induction day said she'd be happy to take me onto the course regardless.
And the college doing this at the very last-minute meant it was too late to transfer to any other colleges (that was one of the few within range) and I couldn't go back to my art college as much as I desperately wanted to/maybe even needed to - because they were full and had no spaces left anymore.
And to make things worse, my entire support network just... vanished that summer too - my social worker left abruptly, my keyworker was gone, everybody had just vanished with them telling me that the responsibility of all this stuff/care, etc had passed onto the college (they didn't even tell me this in advance, just left!)
And so that September, I was just left in the lurch - all at once - I lost my support network, I was thrown from the course I was promised I'd be able to do, and the college refused to let me sit GCSEs or do anything along those lines with them - it was an awful, awful time and I ended up back in hospital for the first time in a while.
Instead the college gave me the option of "so you can either do ICT or physical art for 12-18 months and then maybe we'll go to L2 media-" and I tried, I really really did try - ICT was my specialty because I was very experienced with computers - but it was all super basic dull stuff like "how do you make a powerpoint, how do you click on a link, etc" and I was just... bored out of my mind, as up-my-own-arse that might sound.
So I switched to the physical art instead (in that sort of brief period of the academic year where you're allowed to switch subjects... but after that, you can't switch back) and it just made me so upset because I can't do physical art to save my life, I'm a perfectionist - one who is dyspraxic and isn't good with physical stuff - so you can imagine how trying to paint or draw or whatever went - I could never get anything done - and then looking around at how capable and cool everyone else was? It was so upsetting, I couldn't do it.
The college offered me the most ****-poor support too, not least on the SEN side of things, one time the key SEN person took me to the only place they could think of for me to go for lunch which was close to "a quiet room to just sit & eat my lunch" (I just wanted somewhere to go for lunch that wasn't loud man) and she took me to... behind some stairs in the PE department/next to the changing rooms - and you can probably imagine how I felt about that.
So naturally, with all of that combined, my attendance went downhill quite quickly - I was lonely, I was out-of-place, I wasn't being supported, it was just... not good!
And so as a result, another unplanned gap year ensued (2022)... which I wasn't happy about; during this period, I got super depressed, I barely left my bed most days, my sleep was a mess, there just wasn't anything else for me to turn to for the whole year. I went to a few Prince's Trust courses but that was all "We can train you up for jobs!" and things (And yes I did apply to lots of jobs - I tried super hard on the job hunt and went through many-a job interview) but I just... didn't want to be in work at the time, y'know? I wasn't /ready/ for that, I didn't want to do that yet, I wanted to just... do education-y things. I wanted to be happy and progressing in /something/ outside the house that I was interested in education-wise.
Around July, I finally get allocated a keyworker - sadly though she lives in Suffolk - so we only ever speak over email (although honestly this works amazing for me as in real life, I stutter, I'm quiet, etc, but writing? I can do that to a T) and she's been nothing short of wonderful and I can tell she wants to do anything she can do for me. But the problem is... there aren't a lot of options for me.
So come August 22, I discover the only other nearby college near me (still a very hefty distance away though; 30m walk to train station, followed by train, followed by another long walk... it's a bit of a struggle to get to each morning) does GCSEs alongside their courses... ok, great - potentially a solution. So rather impulsively and against what my keyworker had in mind, I applied to the college and started a Level 1 Art & Media course alongside English & Maths GCSEs.
This college was much better than the last (albeit no friends and poor pastoral support but I was willing to chin up and get through that if it meant I could /finally/ get some bloody qualifications by the end of it all) but... it's a very long distance away! Also I struggled with the physical art side of things (Thrived in the little media stuff - but there wasn't much media work at all which felt misleading but) cue similar problems, etc... I managed to stick with it for as much as I could for a couple of months but it all... just didn't work out in the end...
Luckily though, they've been willing to accommodate me and my neurodivergentness and after a lot of back-and-forths, swapping-and-changing, I'm now on a very light timetable doing /just/ English & Maths GCSEs - which was what I wanted all along so winner winner, right? I was only ever told that was all I needed and that I'd be sorted if I passed both. (On that particular note; very very hopeful about English, praying I scrape a pass in maths)
(But I'm not hopeful about maths, things just keep getting worse but we move)
And what I really, really, really wanted to do after all of this because it was my special interest was politics! That's what I'm so desperate to do, so eager to do... but we've run again into the distance problem. The only place close to me that does a Politics A Level is... my old high school! But it's a sixth form and obviously you need five A Levels and... there's the problem of I am now 18 so can't go back there either.
But I'd discovered there was an Access to Politics course in Manchester - you need to be 19 to get in - and you only need a Maths & English GCSE to meet the entry requirements (which was what kickstarted me going to the college in Sept in the first place - so I could get to here to do politics and then hopefully go to university) and I had read on various forums that some people (quite an awful lot, actually) had managed to get onto an Access course /in spite/ of the fact they were under the age of 19.
Unfortunately, that luck didn't apply to me and they (of course) weren't willing to take me on due to my age and... there's basically nothing else out there nearby for me to do. After I finish my exams in June, I'm going to be once again stuck in limbo, potentially facing a /third/ unplanned gap year. Any of the friends I have made outside are all going to university come September, so I'm going to be left behind, it feels like I'm stuck in some sort of time loop, constantly running into the same walls, through the same circles, I just want to get outta here, I want to study what I'm interested in, I want to go to university, I want to have that experience *and* to be able to leave my house and not have all of my friends be a million miles away and instead just down the road or something, you know?
As a last-ditch idea, I discovered you could sit a Politics A Level exam as a private candidate and I was willing to pay the moon to do this - obviously quite late but people said it could be done - so there must be somewhere right?
All the places I asked that do Politics A Level (I was willing to travel too; I asked places in Greater Manchester, Cheshire, Shropshire, you name it, I'm too late... and now I'm stuck - in limbo - again - for another year.
I'm not sure what the point of me typing all of this was, maybe it was me just trying to get my experience /somewhere/ on something, anything, maybe it's a cry for help, I don't know, I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do, I wanted to be at university come the autumn of 2024 but maybe even that was a dream too far.
I'm struggling, I am struggling so, so hard. I feel so isolated and gosh, I just want to scream & cry. This isn't fair, man.
Thanks for reading, if you did, and sorry for the long paragraphs
Liv
My name is Liv, I'm 18, I'm from the North West, my main interests are politics & Doctor Who and in terms of education, life is sucking pretty hard, a quick disclaimer first that I am autistic and suffer from both depression & anxiety so please be kind if you decide to reply
To sum up: I had to drop out of high school in Year 10 (autumn 2019 so just before COVID) because I was bullied relentlessly, I didn't have any friends and that all inevitably led to pretty bad mental health issues which led to me being stuck in hospital a lot, it was a pretty grim time... so my GP said "yeah no you definitely need a break, goodness me" and so ensued a year-long /hiatus/ of sorts... which coincided with COVID hitting; when lockdown hit, basically nothing had changed for me, being stuck at home was usual so I didn't see any real difference
Before that though, we'd tried one-on-one tutoring & other stuff, it didn't work out, I couldn't handle it being just me and one other person, the focus felt too intense and I just felt /lonely/ so that didn't end up working out.
During this period I was preyed on by a group of creepy older men and I now suffer from PTSD as a result of that - but that's a whole other story.
And then after a lot of pavlova over the summer, my high school (who I was technically still linked to) managed to agree some sort of package deal for me where come September 2020, I would go to a specialist art college for one day a week and then I'd visit high school on some days the rest of the week. My high school made a lot of adjustments for me, the SEN team there put up with a lot considering the vulnerable state I was in - they even let me not wear uniform and let me just turn up in my own clothes.
But every time I went after going back for that first month, it just felt the same, it felt /lonely/, I tried, I really tried to dive out of my comfort zone because I so desperately wanted friends, I wanted my GCSEs, I wanted it/needed it to work! But it just felt lonely, there's not a lot you can do when nobody wants to be your friend at the end of the day.
The specialist art college though? Oh I thrived, it was a college for neurodivergent people/people with bad anxiety/etc and oh the support system I had there was fab, I made two new friends and we formed our own little friendship group - just what I'd always wanted!
So after not long, the high school agreed to fund me going to the college on most days instead; even having a taxi pick me up each morning to take me there & back - I'm so glad they were willing to be so adjustable to my needs - I was in such a fragile & vulnerable state that them helping out like that was massive for me.
But when going to the art college, what we had all agreed was that I would transition to the nearby mainstream college the following September (2021) and that because of the circumstances of my situation, it had been agreed between my SEN support, all parties and the mainstream college that me not having sat GCSEs would be fine and that I could go directly onto a Level 2 Course in Film & Media.
This had been checked multiple times throughout the year - even up to a month before the induction day in August, we were on a tour and they mentioned it at the time - it'd been agreed and checked multiple times!
Come the induction day, one of my SEN support teachers decided she'd come with me to the induction day (Once again, a gem to be doing it off her own back like that) and... that's when things fell apart even more. At the induction day, the college suddenly turned around /at the very last second/ and told me I wouldn't be allowed to go onto the Level 2 course because of the fact I didn't have GCSEs... despite the fact it had been agreed(!!!) by them that that would be what was happening.
My SEN teacher from high school argued with them relentlessly, sent out countless emails as much as she could - but there was no changing their minds. The reasoning they gave was that the teacher that had agreed to take me on in spite of the lack of GCSEs had suddenly left(?) so they couldn't do it anymore - even though the teacher of the media course on the induction day said she'd be happy to take me onto the course regardless.
And the college doing this at the very last-minute meant it was too late to transfer to any other colleges (that was one of the few within range) and I couldn't go back to my art college as much as I desperately wanted to/maybe even needed to - because they were full and had no spaces left anymore.
And to make things worse, my entire support network just... vanished that summer too - my social worker left abruptly, my keyworker was gone, everybody had just vanished with them telling me that the responsibility of all this stuff/care, etc had passed onto the college (they didn't even tell me this in advance, just left!)
And so that September, I was just left in the lurch - all at once - I lost my support network, I was thrown from the course I was promised I'd be able to do, and the college refused to let me sit GCSEs or do anything along those lines with them - it was an awful, awful time and I ended up back in hospital for the first time in a while.
Instead the college gave me the option of "so you can either do ICT or physical art for 12-18 months and then maybe we'll go to L2 media-" and I tried, I really really did try - ICT was my specialty because I was very experienced with computers - but it was all super basic dull stuff like "how do you make a powerpoint, how do you click on a link, etc" and I was just... bored out of my mind, as up-my-own-arse that might sound.
So I switched to the physical art instead (in that sort of brief period of the academic year where you're allowed to switch subjects... but after that, you can't switch back) and it just made me so upset because I can't do physical art to save my life, I'm a perfectionist - one who is dyspraxic and isn't good with physical stuff - so you can imagine how trying to paint or draw or whatever went - I could never get anything done - and then looking around at how capable and cool everyone else was? It was so upsetting, I couldn't do it.
The college offered me the most ****-poor support too, not least on the SEN side of things, one time the key SEN person took me to the only place they could think of for me to go for lunch which was close to "a quiet room to just sit & eat my lunch" (I just wanted somewhere to go for lunch that wasn't loud man) and she took me to... behind some stairs in the PE department/next to the changing rooms - and you can probably imagine how I felt about that.
So naturally, with all of that combined, my attendance went downhill quite quickly - I was lonely, I was out-of-place, I wasn't being supported, it was just... not good!
And so as a result, another unplanned gap year ensued (2022)... which I wasn't happy about; during this period, I got super depressed, I barely left my bed most days, my sleep was a mess, there just wasn't anything else for me to turn to for the whole year. I went to a few Prince's Trust courses but that was all "We can train you up for jobs!" and things (And yes I did apply to lots of jobs - I tried super hard on the job hunt and went through many-a job interview) but I just... didn't want to be in work at the time, y'know? I wasn't /ready/ for that, I didn't want to do that yet, I wanted to just... do education-y things. I wanted to be happy and progressing in /something/ outside the house that I was interested in education-wise.
Around July, I finally get allocated a keyworker - sadly though she lives in Suffolk - so we only ever speak over email (although honestly this works amazing for me as in real life, I stutter, I'm quiet, etc, but writing? I can do that to a T) and she's been nothing short of wonderful and I can tell she wants to do anything she can do for me. But the problem is... there aren't a lot of options for me.
So come August 22, I discover the only other nearby college near me (still a very hefty distance away though; 30m walk to train station, followed by train, followed by another long walk... it's a bit of a struggle to get to each morning) does GCSEs alongside their courses... ok, great - potentially a solution. So rather impulsively and against what my keyworker had in mind, I applied to the college and started a Level 1 Art & Media course alongside English & Maths GCSEs.
This college was much better than the last (albeit no friends and poor pastoral support but I was willing to chin up and get through that if it meant I could /finally/ get some bloody qualifications by the end of it all) but... it's a very long distance away! Also I struggled with the physical art side of things (Thrived in the little media stuff - but there wasn't much media work at all which felt misleading but) cue similar problems, etc... I managed to stick with it for as much as I could for a couple of months but it all... just didn't work out in the end...
Luckily though, they've been willing to accommodate me and my neurodivergentness and after a lot of back-and-forths, swapping-and-changing, I'm now on a very light timetable doing /just/ English & Maths GCSEs - which was what I wanted all along so winner winner, right? I was only ever told that was all I needed and that I'd be sorted if I passed both. (On that particular note; very very hopeful about English, praying I scrape a pass in maths)
(But I'm not hopeful about maths, things just keep getting worse but we move)
And what I really, really, really wanted to do after all of this because it was my special interest was politics! That's what I'm so desperate to do, so eager to do... but we've run again into the distance problem. The only place close to me that does a Politics A Level is... my old high school! But it's a sixth form and obviously you need five A Levels and... there's the problem of I am now 18 so can't go back there either.
But I'd discovered there was an Access to Politics course in Manchester - you need to be 19 to get in - and you only need a Maths & English GCSE to meet the entry requirements (which was what kickstarted me going to the college in Sept in the first place - so I could get to here to do politics and then hopefully go to university) and I had read on various forums that some people (quite an awful lot, actually) had managed to get onto an Access course /in spite/ of the fact they were under the age of 19.
Unfortunately, that luck didn't apply to me and they (of course) weren't willing to take me on due to my age and... there's basically nothing else out there nearby for me to do. After I finish my exams in June, I'm going to be once again stuck in limbo, potentially facing a /third/ unplanned gap year. Any of the friends I have made outside are all going to university come September, so I'm going to be left behind, it feels like I'm stuck in some sort of time loop, constantly running into the same walls, through the same circles, I just want to get outta here, I want to study what I'm interested in, I want to go to university, I want to have that experience *and* to be able to leave my house and not have all of my friends be a million miles away and instead just down the road or something, you know?
As a last-ditch idea, I discovered you could sit a Politics A Level exam as a private candidate and I was willing to pay the moon to do this - obviously quite late but people said it could be done - so there must be somewhere right?
All the places I asked that do Politics A Level (I was willing to travel too; I asked places in Greater Manchester, Cheshire, Shropshire, you name it, I'm too late... and now I'm stuck - in limbo - again - for another year.
I'm not sure what the point of me typing all of this was, maybe it was me just trying to get my experience /somewhere/ on something, anything, maybe it's a cry for help, I don't know, I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do, I wanted to be at university come the autumn of 2024 but maybe even that was a dream too far.
I'm struggling, I am struggling so, so hard. I feel so isolated and gosh, I just want to scream & cry. This isn't fair, man.
Thanks for reading, if you did, and sorry for the long paragraphs
Liv
hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having such a rough time. it sounds like you've been trying your best even with all of these obstacles and issues, so I want to firstly say that you should be proud you're putting in all this work to make your dreams come true. it can feel like such an uphill battle so your resilience is really admirable.
now I'm not an expert in this at all so please take everything I say with a large scoop of salt lol, but I just wanted to toss a few ideas out there. so I'm Scottish and we have Highers/Advanced Highers rather than A Levels - and I believe you can indeed sit them as a private candidate, or you can potentially do what I did last year in my final year of school, I sat Higher Politics by asking my school to submit me as a candidate for the exam even though I couldn't really attend any of the lessons as my Advanced Higher English classes were in the same scheduled column. I initially was meant to attend half and half, so two lessons a week for politics and two for English, but I very quickly realised that I didn't need to devote nearly as much time to politics so I switched to 3 in English and 1 for politics, and at some point in the year I did almost stop going to politics classes altogether. I'll be honest, it was quite an easy course imo and I passed with a high A1 mark, which is the highest grade we have here. obviously the A Level course is different and probably harder as I believe A Levels sort of sit at the midway point between Highers and Advanced Highers, but what I'm saying in this ramble is that I taught myself quite a lot of the course and it all worked out fine (I'm now studying history and politics at uni), so I think you could do something of this description and be able to work at your own pace and hopefully really enjoy the course! and if you ever have politics questions I'd be happy to help to the best of my ability.
alternatively, is there any way you could reapply for the access to politics course at Manchester? if you're older (potentially 19 by then??) and have secured the English and maths GCSEs for certain, that will likely give you a better chance.
I totally understand the eagerness to go to university, and get on with the really enjoyable parts of education, but would any of the places you applied to be more lenient with accepting you if you were to take the full A Level course, rather than leaping in for only one of the two years? I know autumn 2025 seems like forever away to be starting uni so I totally get it if this is not an option, but it's maybe worth consideration if you are convinced that uni is the route you want to take?
sorry if I've misunderstood anything, I am extremely sleep deprived rn lmao but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that things WILL work out, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. if you haven't already, speak to your keyworker about how you're feeling and see what she recommends. you're going to be okay, I promise.
now I'm not an expert in this at all so please take everything I say with a large scoop of salt lol, but I just wanted to toss a few ideas out there. so I'm Scottish and we have Highers/Advanced Highers rather than A Levels - and I believe you can indeed sit them as a private candidate, or you can potentially do what I did last year in my final year of school, I sat Higher Politics by asking my school to submit me as a candidate for the exam even though I couldn't really attend any of the lessons as my Advanced Higher English classes were in the same scheduled column. I initially was meant to attend half and half, so two lessons a week for politics and two for English, but I very quickly realised that I didn't need to devote nearly as much time to politics so I switched to 3 in English and 1 for politics, and at some point in the year I did almost stop going to politics classes altogether. I'll be honest, it was quite an easy course imo and I passed with a high A1 mark, which is the highest grade we have here. obviously the A Level course is different and probably harder as I believe A Levels sort of sit at the midway point between Highers and Advanced Highers, but what I'm saying in this ramble is that I taught myself quite a lot of the course and it all worked out fine (I'm now studying history and politics at uni), so I think you could do something of this description and be able to work at your own pace and hopefully really enjoy the course! and if you ever have politics questions I'd be happy to help to the best of my ability.
alternatively, is there any way you could reapply for the access to politics course at Manchester? if you're older (potentially 19 by then??) and have secured the English and maths GCSEs for certain, that will likely give you a better chance.
I totally understand the eagerness to go to university, and get on with the really enjoyable parts of education, but would any of the places you applied to be more lenient with accepting you if you were to take the full A Level course, rather than leaping in for only one of the two years? I know autumn 2025 seems like forever away to be starting uni so I totally get it if this is not an option, but it's maybe worth consideration if you are convinced that uni is the route you want to take?
sorry if I've misunderstood anything, I am extremely sleep deprived rn lmao but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that things WILL work out, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. if you haven't already, speak to your keyworker about how you're feeling and see what she recommends. you're going to be okay, I promise.
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