The Student Room Group

am i wrong?

i am a 16 years old girl whos family are strict muslims living in the uk
i always have fights with my parents major ones once in a year
either abouts fights in school or me not being a good muslim
recently the fight was about me wanting my own debit card but my parents wont let me
they said no because i would just spend it which is what i want to do because i have been saving up for 3 yearsmy dad got ****ed and said i can always use his card but when i try they be like its not necessary
then i bought up i want to live with my grandmother my dad started throwing slippers at me and left a bruise and said i was not going to slit up his family and my granmother is nothing to him and that he is going to tell her how i behave and she will ban me from coming to her house
my mum **** stires she makes things 10x worse and will exagerate
i want to live with my grandma what should i do she only lives 1 street away from me and is nothing like my mum
my mum is the type to blame yourself for falling and hurting yourself she is sexist and lazy as she only cooks and used to make me clean everything up since i was 10 but right now i have my actual gcse exams so i cant
my parents are contolling as i cant go gym ,boxing ect
my parents have to know who my friends are
and i am not allowed a phone when i was in yr7 my dad promised to get a phone for me for my 16th birthday but when my birthday cae he said i made it up and he never promised me anything
all my cousins said give it after her exams and my mum said well see in collage if she needs a phone
i am currently applying for jobs and need a phone number and my parents say put their down however i dont trust them as i used to call my friends on my mums phone but my mum used to pretent to be me and text them back and never tell me what they said
please any advice is useful
as my dad has turned into a pscho
i do not want to wear hijab also what should i do
Reply 1
walk to your grandma's and talk to her?
Reply 2
Original post by bigplongus
walk to your grandma's and talk to her?

my mum has rang her and told her and exaggerated saying im obsessed with money and i only care about wealth and im using her and that shes her mum and iv got no right to stay with her
but idk what to do about my dad literally he was soo nice but turned into a monster a sexist one
my grandma ment to take me on holiday after my gcse also in 1 month and everything is booked but now my dad is saying no i cant be near her and that he will keep me at home even not let me go collage
my dad also said that im like my devoced cousin and she never listened and look what happend to her and the same will happen to me
Reply 3
i am also not the best at school
i get grade 4,5,very little 6
my mum says if i fail i will get married to somone in pakistan or she think of punishments i cant imagine
my mum was brought up in the uk however her views are backwards as she went to high school in pk but came but for her gcse
however my mother always acuses me of stealing her things because she loses them and also makes me pay for them.
she goes through my room
this started because my mum lost her spare phone and acused me of having it im the oldest i didnt have it however my mum went through my room took all my makeup,jewellry,perfume,nails,£80,
and she and my dad do not allows me of having a phone at 16
says things like
-you will always wear dresses(tho i hate them n she knows that)
-are a muslim girl
-stop being white whashed
-i think they swiched you at the hospital when you were born
-you have no looks or brain
-i am the owner of the house the deeds are on my name
and the things go on
she used to be voilent but now her threats are worse
she doesnt let me go out,and makes all my decisions
i am fed up
i said id move out and my mum said go but i didnt cause i had no where to go
my grandma (my mums mum) said if i want i can mover to hers
how do i tell my parents i dont want to stay with them
bare in mind my grandmas house is 5 houses away
btw-when i complain to my dad he just agrees with my mum
or doesnt do anything
however my dad is a sexist pig but he also spoiled me when i was little we used to have a bond but not anymore
how do i tell my mum i want to dress in westurn clothes like jeans,cargoes not big fat ugly dresses and i dont want to wear a hijab
more importantly how do i say i want to move out
plz help cause my saving have been taken by my parents too.(mum)

idk what to do plz dont say get help from teachers and social services because they are my fam in the end

but my parents are saying iv always rebelled but iv only started now im 16 and can make my own decisons but when i told my dad this he laughed and said i will never be indepenent and not to say silly things and questioned my knowledge on independence
im rebelling now because my parents need to understand its my life and my decisions how do i explain this to them in their backwards pakistani mins
Reply 4
Hi, I'm 19f and can actually relate to some of what you said as I used to be in a very similar position to you (south-asian strict Muslim family background, eldest child, toxic controlling parents, etc). The first thing that I want to say is that your situation will most likely get better. It will take effort from you and your parents as well as time, but it can happen - 3/4 years ago if someone had said that to me I wouldn't have believed it myself but now I realise it's true. There is a lot you've said here so I'll try my best to respond to it all but please bear with me if I overlook anything.

Firstly you mentioned that you have major fights with your parents - I did too. Mine were so bad that my dad and I stopped talking for the majority of my teen years whilst my mum insulted me and made me feel worthless. At the time I hated them and pretended to be completely indifferent to everything that was going on. But, whilst I still have flashbacks to the way they treated me and resent the fact that I had such an awful childhood because of them, my relationship with them both now is far better most of the time. You mentioned the fights are usually because of school or you not being a good Muslim. Why is that the case? Are you not doing well enough academically in their eyes or is it something else? And why do they think you are not a 'good Muslim'? I wasn't either at your age - although I did wear the hijab (mostly just because I'd put it on at 10 and was uncomfortable with the idea of fully taking it off) I never prayed or fasted or read Qur'an and I used to sin shamelessly and tell everyone about it. Looking back at it now, I regret that time of my life so much. I was truly miserable but didn't realise it until I actually got closer to my faith. At the same time though I know that it was all part of my journey and I may never have truly gotten closer to Islam myself if that chapter hadn't happened. Since I started praying/fasting/reading Qur'an and avoiding sins as much as possible, I have gained this peace and contentment that I've honestly never felt before. There has been less drama in my life overall, I've lost people who I didn't realise were actually really toxic/draining before, and things have been working out much better for me. I'm not saying finding religion is the solution to all your problems, but for me personally it did wonders. I'm getting side-tracked here sorry, back to what you said.

Why do you want a phone and debit card? I'm not saying you shouldn't have them but maybe there's a legitimate reason your parents aren't okay with it yet. For example, they may think you having a phone = you having social media = you posting yourself online or being exposed to bad content. As for a debit card, maybe they just don't think you would need one right now or that you would waste all your money on useless things. It could potentially even be for financial reasons. I didn't actually get a phone until I was in sixth form and honestly? Even though I felt a bit uncool because of it, I realise now that there was really no need. If my parents had got me a phone sooner, I may have used social media and become insecure because of all the filtered/photoshopped images that are pushed towards impressionable young girls. Or I could have ended up with a TikTok addiction, screen time rising whilst my grades started declining. Or I could have started talking to strangers on Snapchat, sent inappropriate images of myself to people who I never should have trusted, only for them to screenshot and spread the images, ruining my reputation. Each of the scenarios I just mentioned are real-life examples that happened to some of my friends. Getting a phone at the age I did meant I was far more mature and responsible and knew the dangers of being online and how to protect myself and my peace, which is probably a lot more than can be said for those whose parents got them phones far too soon.

They probably want to know who all your friends are for legit reasons too - as a parent you want to make sure you know what your child is exposed to and who they spend time with so you can make sure there are no bad influences. My parents never really insisted on meeting all my friends or whatever, but my mum has always known who my close friends were (by name and face, and she has met them briefly as well). She was quick to point out who she didn't think I should be close with and gave me reasons why as well and although it really hurt at the time, I realise now that everything she said about them turned out to be right. I, as a clueless 15/16 yo girl, could not see any of my friends' flaws but my mother clearly could. She also told me which friends she thought I should keep as they were good kids and surprise, surprise, she was right. I even had a couple teachers take me to the side and tell me that they didn't think I should spend so much time with certain friends, especially not in class, as they weren't the best of influences. So take it from me, you should trust adult's opinions on your friend because they can see things that you don't.

Also, the thing about them trying to force you to wear dresses/the hijab, it's probably because they want you to dress modestly as a Muslim girl. Is there any reason you don't want to? Have you tried talking to them about it? Maybe gently remind them that Islam says there is no compulsion in religion (Surah Baqarah 2:256) and so they can't force you to dress a certain way. Tell them that by forcing you to dress like this when you don't feel comfortable/ready, they could cause you to hate it and end up removing the hijab at a later stage out of spite, whereas if they let you be for now you *may* end up wearing it of your own accord in the future. If you pray and do your other fardh acts, tell them that you not wearing the hijab does not equal you going to hell when all your other deeds are in order. If they still aren't happy, try to reach a compromise - e.g. I won't wear the hijab or dresses that you want me to wear, I will wear western clothes but I will make sure that by doing so I'm not revealing too much skin or wearing anything too tight (and then show them pictures so they can understand what you mean). No clue what kinda style you're into but I attached some links at the end of this post for you to use as examples of 'Western modesty' if you want.

I've tried to justify your parents' behaviours as much as I can so far so you can try to see things from their POV as well, but I don't think I can anymore...

I'm sorry to say this but your mum sounds awful. Falsely accusing you of theft, going through your room, texting your friends secretly pretending to be you, insulting you, threatening you. Not to mention your dad hitting you. This is abuse. It is absolutely not okay for your parents to treat you the way that they have. I'm so so sorry you're going through this. It is not your fault, okay. Whatever they say to you, however poisonous their words are, please remember that. It is not your fault. I understand you don't want to get help from teachers/social services but at the end of the day you need to get out of this situation/diffuse it as fast as possible, for your own sake. Try talking to them and telling them how you feel but only if you think there is a chance they will acknowledge what you say and listen to you, instead of just gaslighting and abusing you further. Try to do it in a way where you're not directly placing the blame on them though in case they flip out, e.g. instead of saying 'you always do xyz and I'm sick of it' try saying 'sometimes when you say/do x, it makes me feel y and I don't like it'. Also ask them what their problem is with your grandmother. Maybe hold off of saying you want to move in with your grandmother, but try suggesting she comes over to your house more/you all go to hers so you can spend more time together as a family. Also try spending as much time out of the house as possible but only doing things your parents would approve of, e.g. going to school/work, studying at a library, seeing your cousins, etc. If that's not possible, try stay in your room as much as poss and stay busy w revision and stuff. Keep an emergency bag (with money, underwear/clothes, toothbrush, etc) hidden in your room somewhere safe tho in case you ever need to escape in a worst case scenario and j run to your grandmother's as fast as you can. Good luck - and you can always PM me if you want.
Original post by Anonymous
i am a 16 years old girl whos family are strict living in the uk
i always have fights with my parents major ones once in a year

You can't you go to the gym and talk with cute guys?

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