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GCSE English language question 5

Can someone please mark this and give me a mark out of 40 please. Also i'd appreciate any advice on how to score top marks on the question 5 given the short amount of time and unlike paper 1 being able to prepare for it before hand.

Television: A Technology That Traps Teenagers!

Here is a sentence you will not hear often: ‘Teenagers who do not use television on a regular basis are 70% more to likely to have a good mental and physical wellbeing.’ These are the words of Dr Steven Wright, a Professor at Oxford University who studied the detrimental effects of the daily use of television on the impressionable minds of our youth, and his words have been seconded by thousands of teachers worldwide, who have witnessed firsthand the dire consequences of its use upon their students, and therefore we must not allow our teenagers to have a television in their room for their own personal use.

Does having a television in their room really pose a threat to teenagers? Well, television, like much technology we use today, is a modern-day invention that children decades ago did not have access to. In 1915, it was reported that 90% of all teenagers aged between 13-17 played a sport at least twice a week, however in 2015 a survey conducted by Cambridge University found that this statistic significantly dropped to only 35% and discovered that 87% of teenagers watch television on a daily basis. Television has begun to consume our teenagers' time, clawing at their minds and leaving them with little opportunity to focus on their physical health, hence why nearly two thirds of all teenagers within the UK are medically overweight. If we allow our youngsters to have a television in their rooms, then we are undoubtedly leaving them with little ability to develop healthy hobbies and chance to focus on what is truly important: their health. Do you think it's okay to allow television, an artificial parasite, to limit our children from growing into healthy, happy individuals?

Although perhaps the concern surrounding television on our children's health is not reason enough for you to forbid teenagers from having a television in their room, this is only one consequence of many catastrophes television causes. Social media. Photoshop. Films. Programmes. These are what 75% of teenagers in the UK have access to. They can be quite exciting; however, they are like Rolla coasters; there's are times of joy through their use, and also times of sadness and misery. Through films and new TV shows, televisions are increasingly displaying to our youth unrealistic beauty expectations or luxurious lifestyles and must have accessories that our teenagers just cannot live up to, and this has led to a rising number of children suffering from depression. If we normalize teenagers having televisions within their bedrooms, then we are exposing them to content that may put them at risk of suffering mental illnesses in silence, and an inability to protect them from the dangers they can view. Is temporary happiness worth an excoriating torture they may be subject to by the content shown on television?

We must protect our teenagers!

However, some may consider such points as an overly dramatic and unrealisitc depiction on televisions, and consider them as mere, harmless, modern sources of entertainment that pose no real threat to teenagers. This is because having a television in their room may allow them to privately enjoy some time of relaxation away from the stress of daily life. The average school day within England is 7 hours, and then on top of the tiresome stress of schoolwork, teenagers are piled with chores, homework, and many more tasks that leave them with little time to just enjoy some leisure time and the ability to watch whatever they please, therefore by allowing them to have a television within their room they can have the chance to do as teenagers deserve to: have some fun. Although, many strongly disagree with this as there are far safer and healthier hobbies that teenagers can take part in rather than placing them at the feet of the dangers of televisions. Sports? Healthy! Painting! Healthy! Baking! Healthy (and delicious)!

The list of other sources of entertainment are endless and this is why we must not let television be an easy fix to a problem with alternative, better solutions.

As parents, siblings, teachers...etc. all we want for our youth is for them to be happy and healthy, but unfortunately allowing them to have a television in there is just not in their best interests. This does not mean that they should be forbidden from watching television at all, but rather that they are using it in an area that we can observe, and ensure does not affect them physically, nor mentally.
Content and organisation - 21/24
Technical Accuracy - 14/16
Overall - 35/40 (and that is a minimum!)

I really like the whole piece. It was very well structured from the beginning to the end. I was noting some things down whilst reading. Firstly, the alliterative title was so effective in conveying the danger of technology which you then go on to describe. There was nice implementation of facts throughout with quotes from people in authority; this helps to contribute to the validity of the piece. There was some nice language devices in there to including rhetorical questions, similes and personification. "Clawing at their minds" was by far the most effective one and really great at conveying the message. I also quite liked the use of your colloquialism in "(and delicious)". It offers your own opinion as a writer and creates a sense of intimacy between you and the reader which is very effective in allowing us an insight into your own thoughts. In the end you used the repetition of "healthy!" in short sentences which hyperbolically exaggerates the immense amount of "healthy" activity that you can do in the world which is great for this piece. Structurally, I thought the use of the one sentence paragraph "We must protect our teenagers" was very well considered and helped to emphasise this point half way through your piece; this highlights your persistent good intention and makes the reader like you as a writer. There was also a lot of ambitious punctuation which was implemented perfectly in all cases.

The only incorrect thing I could find in your piece was the spelling mistake of the word "rollercoaster". Besides that everything was perfect. However, to improve this response you could add some more ambitious vocabulary. You certainly used quite a lot in this piece, but some really higher level vocab would've pushed this up even further! You could've potentially played with your sentence structure a little more, but overall it was quite structurally sound.

Let me know if you need anymore help, well done!
Reply 2
Original post by Georgeallen
Content and organisation - 21/24
Technical Accuracy - 14/16
Overall - 35/40 (and that is a minimum!)

I really like the whole piece. It was very well structured from the beginning to the end. I was noting some things down whilst reading. Firstly, the alliterative title was so effective in conveying the danger of technology which you then go on to describe. There was nice implementation of facts throughout with quotes from people in authority; this helps to contribute to the validity of the piece. There was some nice language devices in there to including rhetorical questions, similes and personification. "Clawing at their minds" was by far the most effective one and really great at conveying the message. I also quite liked the use of your colloquialism in "(and delicious)". It offers your own opinion as a writer and creates a sense of intimacy between you and the reader which is very effective in allowing us an insight into your own thoughts. In the end you used the repetition of "healthy!" in short sentences which hyperbolically exaggerates the immense amount of "healthy" activity that you can do in the world which is great for this piece. Structurally, I thought the use of the one sentence paragraph "We must protect our teenagers" was very well considered and helped to emphasise this point half way through your piece; this highlights your persistent good intention and makes the reader like you as a writer. There was also a lot of ambitious punctuation which was implemented perfectly in all cases.

The only incorrect thing I could find in your piece was the spelling mistake of the word "rollercoaster". Besides that everything was perfect. However, to improve this response you could add some more ambitious vocabulary. You certainly used quite a lot in this piece, but some really higher level vocab would've pushed this up even further! You could've potentially played with your sentence structure a little more, but overall it was quite structurally sound.

Let me know if you need anymore help, well done!


Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback you have given me for both paper 1 and paper 2 content. I have been feeling apprehensive about tomorrow, but you have boosted my confidence, and I will definitely take all of your advice on board.
Original post by OhIt'sJustMe
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the feedback you have given me for both paper 1 and paper 2 content. I have been feeling apprehensive about tomorrow, but you have boosted my confidence, and I will definitely take all of your advice on board.

No worries! I didn't even realise it was at first, but I do remember your Paper 1, Question 5.. How did your first exam go?

Also, if you need any further help or marking just let me know tonight.
Reply 4
Thank you so much, I definitely will!

Paper one was okay. I took your advice and added personification of the wind and fixed any punctuation areas. The question was about a human meeting an animal, so I tweaked me story and changed it so instead of meeting death I met a bunny.

Like this:
When suddenly, an unfamiliar faces appeared out of the obsidian. Death? Mother Nature? God? No, this was something far greater, with big, beautiful, brown eyes that could light up the entire universe

A bunny.

Overall I was satisfied, but im still a bit apprehensive about what the grade boundaries will look like.

Once again I really do appreciate all of your support!
That sounds good to me. You can message here or email me on:

[email protected]

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