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Poly relationship

As of last night I have a partner. I’ve been single for the past year and its been nice getting to know this person. However, my i lived with my first boyfriend. (We we’re monogamous). We were very domestic and i saw him almost every second of the day, around the house, at class, running errands.
This new relationship is very different, we don’t live together, he is polygamous and his work is very demanding. He says that he can try spend time with me once a week and if it happens to be more thats great and if it is less then we will figure it out.
I know all relationships are different and all people are different people. I like him. I think i can do the once a week thing. I’m not sure, its ok right now, i worry that in the future I will want more, it wont be enough and then the relationship will be over.

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Reply 1
He's married to more than one person and might try to fit you into his busy schedule, and you're willing to go with that? Why? You don't even love him.
Well, yeah, probably. A polygamous guy saying he might be able to see you once a week is nothing to go trying to build a future around.

Can I ask why you choose to get into this? most people wouldn't, like are you intending to be polygamous yourself or just kinda put up with it when he's with other girls?
Reply 3
Original post by Surnia
He's married to more than one person and might try to fit you into his busy schedule, and you're willing to go with that? Why? You don't even love him.


He’s a good person, a good friend. He’s not married and we are young. Its more like why not. I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon. It doesn’t bother me that he has another girlfriend. It bothers me that he doesn’t have the time. Which i feel isn’t his fault.
Reply 4
Original post by StriderHort
Well, yeah, probably. A polygamous guy saying he might be able to see you once a week is nothing to go trying to build a future around.

Can I ask why you choose to get into this? most people wouldn't, like are you intending to be polygamous yourself or just kinda put up with it when he's with other girls?


I’m not trying to build a future per-say, i want to build a present. I’m dating multiple people at the moment. I know its not traditional. It makes me happy that he has people in his life that make him happy.
Original post by Theo123abc
I’m not trying to build a future per-say, i want to build a present. I’m dating multiple people at the moment. I know its not traditional. It makes me happy that he has people in his life that make him happy.


You're not trying to build a future but the future is specifically the thing you said you're worried about. I'm not hating on open/casual relationships but unless both are 100% on board, can handle the issues with maturity and see it the same way, then it will rapidly run it's course when one person starts wanting more than the other will give.
Reply 6
Original post by StriderHort
You're not trying to build a future but the future is specifically the thing you said you're worried about. I'm not hating on open/casual relationships but unless both are 100% on board, can handle the issues with maturity and see it the same way, then it will rapidly run it's course when one person starts wanting more than the other will give.


I agree, but its a question of quality time, not the fact that we are seeing other people. Regardless once a week is hardly a lot of time?? He says it’s because of his work, but of course a part of it is that he splits up his time with other obligations. I don’t want to spend every day with him, i like to have a life of my own. I don’t know. I feel like its just getting used to it.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous #1
He’s a good person, a good friend. He’s not married and we are young. Its more like why not. I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon. It doesn’t bother me that he has another girlfriend. It bothers me that he doesn’t have the time. Which i feel isn’t his fault.

Having another girlfriend isn't polygamous, that's being non-exclusive. Does she know about you?

If he's dividing his time between 2 women, of course it's his fault if he can't see you. Or is it also because you haven't got the time for him because you're busy dating other people?
Unless you're 100% onboard with little more than FWB I don't really see the point.
Original post by Theo123abc
I agree, but its a question of quality time, not the fact that we are seeing other people. Regardless once a week is hardly a lot of time?? He says it’s because of his work, but of course a part of it is that he splits up his time with other obligations. I don’t want to spend every day with him, i like to have a life of my own. I don’t know. I feel like its just getting used to it.


By other obligations you mean other women right? That's v much a choice he's making - It's one thing to get in a relationship with someone who is busy on the promise they will able to make more time for you in the future, but that's not on the table here is it? If anything, chances are he will add more girls to this equation and your one day a week becomes once a fortnight or the odd 2am booty call...

By all means have a bit of fun with the guy but be aware that's what it is and there's v little to build an actual relationship with here. I don't so much mind only seeing my girlfriend once a week as we're both keenly looking forward to each other, but I'd feel very different knowing they were away with other people during that week and I was basically just the next slot on the rota.
Reply 10
What are you gaining?
Original post by Surnia
Having another girlfriend isn't polygamous, that's being non-exclusive. Does she know about you?

If he's dividing his time between 2 women, of course it's his fault if he can't see you. Or is it also because you haven't got the time for him because you're busy dating other people?


Yeah she knows, we knew each other for a while. I have a busy schedule as well, but i would make time for him. I enjoy the other people i’m seeing, but i also feel spread thin.
Original post by Anonymous #1
As of last night I have a partner. I’ve been single for the past year and its been nice getting to know this person. However, my i lived with my first boyfriend. (We we’re monogamous). We were very domestic and i saw him almost every second of the day, around the house, at class, running errands.
This new relationship is very different, we don’t live together, he is polygamous and his work is very demanding. He says that he can try spend time with me once a week and if it happens to be more thats great and if it is less then we will figure it out.
I know all relationships are different and all people are different people. I like him. I think i can do the once a week thing. I’m not sure, its ok right now, i worry that in the future I will want more, it wont be enough and then the relationship will be over.

It sounds as if you arent 100% on board with the idea if you think the future may change. Why take that risk
Reply 13
Original post by Theo123abc
I agree, but its a question of quality time, not the fact that we are seeing other people. Regardless once a week is hardly a lot of time?? He says it’s because of his work, but of course a part of it is that he splits up his time with other obligations. I don’t want to spend every day with him, i like to have a life of my own. I don’t know. I feel like its just getting used to it.

Call his bluff. Tell him that as of 1st February you want to see him 2 evenings a week and a full day at weekends and see his reaction...
Reply 14
Original post by Surnia
Call his bluff. Tell him that as of 1st February you want to see him 2 evenings a week and a full day at weekends and see his reaction...

Thank you, I actually feel like this is good actionable advice. I appreciate this.
Reply 15
Original post by StriderHort
By other obligations you mean other women right? That's v much a choice he's making - It's one thing to get in a relationship with someone who is busy on the promise they will able to make more time for you in the future, but that's not on the table here is it? If anything, chances are he will add more girls to this equation and your one day a week becomes once a fortnight or the odd 2am booty call...

By all means have a bit of fun with the guy but be aware that's what it is and there's v little to build an actual relationship with here. I don't so much mind only seeing my girlfriend once a week as we're both keenly looking forward to each other, but I'd feel very different knowing they were away with other people during that week and I was basically just the next slot on the rota.

No, by other obligations I mean extra curriculars and such, friends as well. I think that he hopes he will have more time in the near future, but I don't think it'll happen. I'm not the type of person to stick around. All my relationships end around the 3 month mark, and this is around that time.

What do you consider an 'actual relationship', I don't know what it's supposed to look like. I don't doubt that he is looking forward to seeing me again, but in the meantime, he has busy. Do you think the relationship is less meaningful if someone isn't able to give you full attention? I feel like when I see him and all of a sudden all the attention is on me, i get fearful and freeze. I'm scared of accepting too little and giving too much, but when I get it back it's hard to believe it. But this is the same way I felt in my first relationship which was monogomous. I think it's more a me problem, then the relationship style.
Original post by Anonymous #1
No, by other obligations I mean extra curriculars and such, friends as well. I think that he hopes he will have more time in the near future, but I don't think it'll happen. I'm not the type of person to stick around. All my relationships end around the 3 month mark, and this is around that time.

What do you consider an 'actual relationship', I don't know what it's supposed to look like. I don't doubt that he is looking forward to seeing me again, but in the meantime, he has busy. Do you think the relationship is less meaningful if someone isn't able to give you full attention? I feel like when I see him and all of a sudden all the attention is on me, i get fearful and freeze. I'm scared of accepting too little and giving too much, but when I get it back it's hard to believe it. But this is the same way I felt in my first relationship which was monogomous. I think it's more a me problem, then the relationship style.


He might have those other things but other women are absolutely part of his other obligations and the reason you're being given a time slot, by the sound of it once a week isn't ever guaranteed? It would also be presumptuous to assume he's not going to add other girls to this down the line or already has. Tbh it's hard to take it as a given someone is genuinely missing and looking forward to seeing you when they're having their needs met by others and probably feeding you both the same lines, it lacks sincerity.

In general, I think a proper relationship is a lot more than this and has at least an element of looking forward to building a possible life together, but this just sounds more literally like f***ing around for the sake of it. Bluntly yes, a relationship is a lot less meaningful if they aren't giving you their 'full' attention or even making you a priority, what happens if you ever need this guy for support? are you just going to get blown off because he's busy in someone else bed and it's not your time slot?
Reply 17
Just wanted to say that for a non-poly it will be very hard to be with a poly. Very hard.

I'm poly, my ex is mono, it was very hard for him being with me. Now we are still very good friends, but we are apart. There are many reasons for that.

Good luck. I sincerely wish you a good luck.
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you. :smile:

Polyamorous relationships are best suited to those with no enthusiasm for monogomy who are happiest with multiple fwbs and very casual mutually convenient 'no strings' arrangements.
People who prefer monogomy or can get insecure and jealous in their closest relationships should avoid poly relationships.

It's very easy to feel used when a sexual partner is openly dividing their spare time between several sexual or romantic partners.
Particularly when someone will make the time to meetup for sex but doesn't seem to have the desire to invest much of their time in the emotional side or non-sexual practical elements of an intimate relationship.
If you have any doubts about whether a poly relationship is right for you or if you need a greater time investment than is available from a polyamorous partner- it means that it is time for you to walk away.

Polygamy is when one individual is married to multiple spouses.
Generally a man with multiple wives, polygyny.
Polygamous marriage is often connected with ancient tribal customs or controversial religious sects/leaders that favour a 'sister wife' family dynamic.
Very different from polyamorous relationships where nobody participating is married.
You need to figure out what you are okay with.

Many polyamorous relationships are non-progression relationships. Unless specifically stated, you're unlikely to ever end up in a situation with this person where you're living with them like your ex. You're probably not going to have children, get married, etc. Even if you were to become each other's primary partner and live together, you would need to deal with the idea that they will be going out on dates with other people multiple nights a week and that you will be left home alone unless you also have multiple partners. If you're going into it with the idea that this is a phase and they're going to drop their other partners for you sometime, then get out now before you develop deeper feelings.

Pushing for more time with someone who has already laid out a clear boundary is unlikely to go down well, so I'd advise not doing that unless it is truly a dealbreaker for you. If you're not okay with that then you are better off ending it because this person already seems to know what they want and has already laid it out for you. If you're not on the same page there is no point in taking this further - you'll only get hurt.
(edited 4 months ago)

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