The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre

Yeah it's awful.. I'm pretty sure right now that my boyfriend is gonna end it. Hopefully we can sort it out when I see him later.. I've not got much luck though, 5 years down the drain

Aww no way I hope you sort it out! xx

Hi, just reposting because I could really do with some advice on this issue, and I didn't get a reply last time.

I am going on a year abroad next week, and I will only be able to see my boyfriend three times in the whole year. He has already booked plane tickets to see me for £700, so I think he's serious about being long distance.

Recently I have just been having doubts about the relationship, wondering if I trust him enough to be long distance. He is a lovely boyfriend, and I've always been very happy with him, apart from this nagging feeling I can't trust him, especially around his ex. I know he was crushed when they broke up, because he thought she was 'the one', and it's always made me feel slightly second best. He's still friends with her, and I am not comfortable with the level of contact they have.

The reason I feel so uncomfortable is because he's lied to me several times about her. First he said she was a friend, without mentioning that they ever went out - I only realised when I saw how they acted together. Then he lied to me about some texts they exchanged in which he told her he still loves her as a friend - when I asked him about it, he said he'd never said that, even though her texts clearly stated that he did. I can't believe he outright lied to me as if he thought I was stupid.

Once, a girl asked him on facebook how things were going with me, and he replied 'So so, still in love with you though.' This was early on in our relationship so I didn't let it bother me. I asked him about it and he acted like it was hard to remember who she even was, and said he couldn't remember saying that and didn't know why he said it. Eventually he admitted he did remember her and said he'd 'just had some fun' with her after he broke up with his ex.

I love him to bits, and I have really put a lot into this relationship. I just get the feeling I'm not his number one. I'm not sure whether I can really have a long distance relationship for a year, with someone who's been dishonest with me like that. What should I do?

I will be honest with you, and I understand this may not be what you want to hear. But those sound like red flags to me. İf it was one little isolated event, then that maybe could be forgiven and forgotten. But from what you say, from the start he's occasionally but constantly been dishonest with you, even if each time he may have thought the lies were minor.

You know this guy more than any of us here could ever, best but as someone who is in an LDR I can tell you that mutual trust is vital. If you are always worrying about if he is cheating, its going to be worse for you when you are away and not able to see or talk to him face to face for long stretches. And thats going to kill your fun while you are traveling. Even if he had not lied in the past, adjusting to life without him always near would be difficult enough. However if you felt you could trust him, then being away from him might not be so bad for you.

The difficult thing for you will be to decide if you want to keep on letting the little lies slip by if he is so worth it. So whether you decide to stay in the relationship, or not is up to you. Whatever you do I wish the best for you. İf you want to talk, Im here.

Boston is a small world! Might know the person....or at least heard of them maybe

Well at the moment, Im busy with work and it's definitely keeping my distracted. I know he's back at uni now so have his friends surrounding him and keeping a check on him so im slightly more reassured.

I feel melancholy but i dont feel truely upset. Gutted but it feels like the right thing. Im holding on to the hope that we'll be friends one day- it's hard to think/believe we might not be so who knows

Thanks, I honestly wish I had walked away the first time he lied. At the time I had this horrible gut-wrenching feeling, but I let him persuade me it was nothing, and I let it slide.

I don't know if I should talk to him about it? I have tried to tell him how I feel before, how I don't feel like I'm his number one, and he was really sweet and bought me a card and present to say sorry. I feel like he takes me for an idiot, but I deserve it because I'm so forgiving.

Most of the time he's perfect, he doesn't do anything wrong, it's just those couple of occasions when he's been dishonest that make me feel like this relationship isn't real.

My boyfriend is leaving tomorrow. I'm an irrational and emotional mess about it! I just want to vent somewhere...

Some background info. We've been going out for 1yr 7months. In that short amount of time we've been through so much together. We were apart for 3 weeks early in our relationship because I was stuck by the volcanic ash. Though, that's just a minor thing really.

In Feb/March time this year, my boyfriend was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He had an operation and chemo and is now (hopefully) on the mend. It was such a hard time since we were both doing our final A2 exams. I had to talk to our schools mentor type person, because I really didn't deal with it well. Even writing about it now is getting me all teary...

My concerns (if you can call them that) about us being in separate places is less that he might find somebody else (I mean, I do worry about it, but I do trust him totally), it's more I worry about him health and safety. I'm so bad when it comes to that! I'm also kinda worried that we'll loose the feelings we have...Thinking about it, it seems totally irrational. I had a bit of a breakdown about it all to him and he admitted that he had been thinking about our future together, and he was even making plans to pop the question.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this really, I just need to say all this, I've not really got anybody else to talk to about it. If you've read all this, well done! I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to cope with missing him!!

Gah Guys I really need some advice.It sounds really petty,but how do you all stop feelings of paranoia?.My boyfriend is at his freshers atm and obviously he is house sharing with girls and going out with all his roomates,but I just can't help feeling jealous and paranoid with all these girls.I do trust him completely but I'm just scared to lose him.I hate feeling all paranoid like this .

i'm in exactly the same boat as you are! my boyfriend of a year and a half has just gone to uni today, and he's 8 hours away! when i first thought about him leaving, and him being at his freshers with me just sat at home all week (gap year), it was almost unbearable, and i was so jealous and paranoid! but we've had a massive conversation about it, and i've realised that i can trust him over this, and if he wanted to just mess around with other girls at freshers then he would just break up with me before he went, right? we actually did break up because i had loads of doubts and kept asking him 'what if?' but then we realised we both wanted to be back together and he wrote me a massive letter telling me how we both need to go the extra mile, as contacting each other as much as possible is KEY to making it work long distance. and for the first few weeks while he gets to know people, he's gonna make sure he does things in a group of people and not arrange one-on-one things so soon until he knows them better. we also discussed obvious boundaries like not having girls over to stay in his studio, or not staying over at another girls if its just him and her etc etc.

i'm feeling pretty positive now about it all! you just need to make yourself busy through his freshers, see friends and family and stuff, otherwise you're automatically gonna think the worse! and if something bad DOES happen, then it does and we deal with that, but there's no point wasting your time worrying in case it does. just take each day as it comes and be happy that you're giving it go- that must mean something right?

good luck x

I'm going to be in an LDR for the next 4 or so years. I'm in the Navy and my girlfriend is at Uni. We've only been going out for 6 months, but I really love her and want it to last the whole 4 years and beyond!

Does anyone have any advice for making it work?

We've known each other for over 2 years, but only recently got together.

Oh sweetie First off, welcome! Secondly why not join us on the chat thread

Whenever mine goes, I write him notes to take with him and send him letters/emails all the time. We chat on phone and MSN constantly - it's not enough to just send him a text in the morning. Good communication is the key to making LDRs work I think. Coming from a family where my Dad was always off to some foreign place (RAF brat) taught me that if it's real love, then distance and time makes *no* difference to your feelings for each other. If you can do these next few years and stay together then it'll be a breeze when you're older and married and he goes away for a week's business trip!

I can understand why you have that second level of worry about his health, the important thing is to be there for him and make sure that he doesn't neglect his health as guys sometimes do. You may not be there physically but you can be there in his heart and mind, right? x

so, had my first night last night with the boy at uni, and him going out for freshers. hated every second of it, haha. but only because we are usually one of those couples that texts literally 24/7 and calls in bed every night and never stop talking to each other. he text me at 9ish to tell me he was going out, then i didnt hear from him til 10 this morning, even though he told me he would call me when he got in if it wasnt too late (he knew i'd be up late doing things). bit of a disappointment, to say the least.

guess we just have to get used to the fact that they won't be able to contact us with texts when they're out making new friends all the time.

am i the only one here that instantly thinks the worst when something doesnt happen (like a phonecall or text)? i think i'm the most anxious person in the whole wide world, and i'm constantly thinking 'what if?' proper not healthy that, is it?! aaargh wish i could just be laid back about this whole thing and be fine with the nights out and the girls and just think 'whatever, have a good time' :|