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Why do people want kids so badly?

I've been thinking about this recently and I am pretty adament that I do not want kids when I am older. I am pretty young, at the age of 21, but I can't see it ever being a possibility. For one thing, kids drive me nuts, especially when they always go out of their own way to be disobedient as exhibited in schools (people in my class always used to be disruptive when I was in school and it really peeved me off). The concept of potentially having to raise a child (if my future partner demands it) depresses me, because of the high level of commitment involved, the fact that it would give my life a more deterministic turn and my offspring taking over would be a further cynical reminder that my time on Earth is limited and finite. I can see raising a child a very financial and psychological drain on me as I am slightly autistic and experience moments of depression and anxiety, so raising a child would not benefit me in the slightest. I would want to be in complete control of my life and make sure I satisfy myself (by keeping fit, being in academia and playing music) and make sure I am stable rather than create a huge compromise in my life by meeting someone who desperately wants children (as most women seem to).

What annoys me even more, is that when I tell people I don't want kids (e.g. my parents, friends) they're like "You can't decide yet" or "The time will come when is right" but this annoys me because it implies that I'm being expected to have children or that my views simply aren't valid. Furthermore, I hate how there is generally a fair bit of pressure and expectation from society for people to have children, and to point it out when someone doesn't want them (similarly for settling down and getting married). It seems to imply that there is only one way to live.

I don't see what the fuss is about wanting to have kids and I think most people only have them because it's the "done thing" or because it is human nature to reproduce, so people just do it without fully thinking about why. I don't have a problem with what other people choose to do but I just can't see how it would benefit me, especially since many people my age are wanting to get engaged/married and have children and stuff, whereas I'm finishing my undergraduate degree next year and I barely feel like my life has even begun!

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Reply 1

FiniteMr

Fake infertility by getting a vasectomy.

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Reply 2

LSD

The "you can't decide yet!" Thing also bothers me. I decided that I didn't want children when I was 12 years old, I'm now almost 21 and have never shifted from my position of thought, despite friends/relatives having children around me. I doubt I'll ever change my mind.

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Reply 3

miser

For a number of reasons, but when we eliminate factors such as education and poverty, people want kids mostly because we are predisposed to. It is a very strong bias (perhaps particularly in women, whereas in men it might be more skewed to having sex) because every single ancestor of every person alive today had kids. Any genes promoting not having kids (except in specific circumstances) would necessarily compromise their ability to survive.

Generally, people form their opinions and come up with rationalisations for them after the fact. With kids it is no exception.

Reply 4

username564415

Definitely not having any kids any time soon. Praying for a son when I do as well :adore:

Reply 5

Cocklebur

Original post by OL1V3R

I feel entirely the same about the whole idea. As a 20-year old female, my dislike of children and complete lack of desire to yield my own is just dismissed as the foolishness of youth, but I simply cannot see myself in the role of 'mother'. I don't feel the need to leave a legacy in DNA form.

I don't think having a midwife for a mother has helped, nor the three and five year old step-siblings. I love my siblings, but being able to hand them back when I've had enough of entertaining them is vital to that.

Reply 6

MancBoy

Most of the time it's for either benefits or attention seeking.

Reply 7

Ed3003

It's built into us to reproduce, I suppose. That and from what I can tell, having children is one of the most fulfilling things to do with your life. I certainly don't think it's for everyone but I know that although I don't want kids right now, one day I will.

Reply 8

Redolent

I think the idea of bringing another human being into the world and raising them with the lessons you have learned from your life is pretty sweet. I can't imagine there'll be a whole lot to do when you're 30 years old, in a stable long term relationship with a stable and probably predictable career. Your children are modelled on you both genetically (unless you adopt) and environmentally, and although there are clear exceptions I would say it's fair to assume you'll find a lot of common ground with them, especially when they reach adult age. I reckon I could raise someone to have a positive influence on the world so I feel no guilt about "contributing to overpopulation" or something silly like that. Also, I like kids, I miss being one and I think their carefree and imaginative approach to life would have a positive impact on me psychologically despite the tantrums that would come with it.

Or, if you would prefer the cynical/pragmatic answer, I'd like to have close family there for me when I'm an old man, especially if my partner dies before I do or something. I imagine being an old person looking at their kids growing up, or even grandkids, would be a great source of pride. I can't imagine anything worse than being old and lonely with nothing but other frail old people for company.

I'm continually surprised by how many young people don't want kids. Modern life isn't that exciting.

Reply 9

kunoichi

Biological thing i guess

Also for me i could only have kids with someone i loved very very much, so creating someone who came from both of us just seems such a magical beautiful thing.

Reply 10

Petyr24

Just like the idea of it.

Reply 11

rainbow.panda

I don't want kids either and I also get comments like "you'll change your mind someday" and "you'll want them when you meet the right guy" and all that crap. I'm not good with kids at all so I know I'd make a terrible parent!

I think a lot of people are making the decision to have kids far too young, before they've settled down properly and have all their affairs in order, and are actually mature enough to take responsibility for another human life. My mum was 32 when she had me (and I was her first child) which is supposedly "old" by today's standards, but in my mind that's the perfect age to have kids. People rush things too much these days and I think that's part of the reason why we end up with so many single parents.

Reply 12

SnoochToTheBooch

I know man, I'd have to be bored of pretty much everything else in the whole world before having a kid starts sounding like a good idea. The level of stress & responsibility is too much. I'm just guessing here but I bet something like 50% of all pregnancies are accidental.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 13

1on4

Having a child isn't like anything else that you ever experience as a human. The love most people have for their children is totally selfless and until you get your head around it it's quite overwhelming.

I think maturity plays a big part in having children though, as do situational factors. You'd be suprised how your views on everything in life will change over the next few years.

Fertility and children are a blessing. People forget that sometimes.

Reply 14

battycatlady

It's primarily a biological thing, I think.

Reproduction=survival of the species.

It's an instinctive, genetic pre-disposition to want kids. I suppose it's probably stronger in women.

Look other species; as soon as they are a fertile age they start breeding if they can.

Obviously with people it's also down to societal factors- it's just expected and the done thing that one day you will get married and have a kid and anyone who isn't (not so much now as in the past perhaps, but it's still a problem)is looked at as a bit strange.

I get why people don't want kids. It's a huge responsibility. Not sure whether I want kids yet, but I can see both why people would and why they wouldn't want them :biggrin:

Tbh until you actually have a child I think it's probably difficult to understand why people want them :smile:

Reply 15

Redolent

Original post by Warlord

Not sure you understand what overopulation is. You can bring up your child to be a new mahatma ghandi for all we know, but that child is still contributing to a higher populaton. Whether the child grows up to be a saint or a devil has no relvance to that whatsoever.

The world is overpopulated when there are not enough resources for the population, or when resources are distributed unevenly such that a portion of the population cannot get what they need. Imagine if my child bought an unused piece of land and made a farm with it - I'd say s/he's most probably offsetting his/her negative effect on the world population. Very simplistic example but it covers it pretty well. "Overpopulated" is arbitrary and depends on the socioeconomic state of the world, new humans can improve that state.

And your paragraph on being an old man is stupid, and puts an expectation of your kids to tke are of you when youre old, which is distasteful to say the least. You did say it ws a cynical answer though, so fair enough.

How is it "stupid" or in any way unreasonable to expect that the people I spend about 20 years looking after might give me a helping hand when I'm too old and frail to completely look after myself? That is, I believe, the way things are done for the vast majority of well-adjusted families. My parents help my old frail nan out when she needs it and I'd be happy to do the same for them, it would be utterly preposterous for me to think they are taking advantage of me in that situation because they're the ones who gave me life and a warm stable upbringing. I wouldn't forsake a chance to prove my gratitude. It was pretty clear from my other paragraph that my reasons for wanting children go beyond some nasty selfish desire for a carer when I'm old.

Seriously, I think being an old person without kids would be terrible. Yeah, you can still sit around and watch TV or perform other sedentary tasks that aren't too taxing on the body/brain, but in a way you're just sitting around waiting to die. Having a family at least means you've left your mark, and I don't think it's all that arrogant to say I think mine would be a positive one.

Kids are fun !!

I do not want kids as well, even though I know my mother would be very happy to have another grandchild. She only has one as my another sister cannot have children due to problems :sad:

But I know that I couldn't cope while having a baby unless I would adopt a young child and make his life full of joy :h:

Reply 18

RemiMarcelle

You know you've just answered the question yourself

I don't really want kids to be honest, I feel that once you have them your life is over, your every move is done for your kids and not yourself. But if I did have kids, I'd want to have them in my late 20's.

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Reply 19

sevchenko

Who else is going to fulfil my failed ambitions of becoming a premier league footballer for arsenal? Who else is going to look after me when I'm old and grey, the Government ? I'd much rather pressure my kids into a moral obligation to take care of me. After all I did raise them it only fair they help me