Why wasn't he just honest with me?
Hi,
I am 27(f), I met this guy named Carlo, on a dating app. He's 35 and Italian.
We hit it off immediately and bonded over our love of travelling. He saw on my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship... then asked me out on a date.
He was rather enthusiastic. He planned everything and then picked me up.
When we met he was happy and said I exceeded all his expectations.. which was nice.
But as he was driving he expressed to me that he had 2 children. Sigh. And said he doesn't want anymore kids, nor does he want marriage.
But we spoke about this before the date and I told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet.
He then proceeds to tell me "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious".
Sigh. Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy.
But I just don't get why he wasn't just honest about his intentions from the start. Seems he just wants an F buddy.
I am 27(f), I met this guy named Carlo, on a dating app. He's 35 and Italian.
We hit it off immediately and bonded over our love of travelling. He saw on my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship... then asked me out on a date.
He was rather enthusiastic. He planned everything and then picked me up.
When we met he was happy and said I exceeded all his expectations.. which was nice.
But as he was driving he expressed to me that he had 2 children. Sigh. And said he doesn't want anymore kids, nor does he want marriage.
But we spoke about this before the date and I told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet.
He then proceeds to tell me "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious".
Sigh. Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy.
But I just don't get why he wasn't just honest about his intentions from the start. Seems he just wants an F buddy.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I am 27(f), I met this guy named Carlo, on a dating app. He's 35 and Italian.
We hit it off immediately and bonded over our love of travelling. He saw on my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship... then asked me out on a date.
He was rather enthusiastic. He planned everything and then picked me up.
When we met he was happy and said I exceeded all his expectations.. which was nice.
But as he was driving he expressed to me that he had 2 children. Sigh. And said he doesn't want anymore kids, nor does he want marriage.
But we spoke about this before the date and I told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet.
He then proceeds to tell me "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious".
Sigh. Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy.
But I just don't get why he wasn't just honest about his intentions from the start. Seems he just wants an F buddy.
I am 27(f), I met this guy named Carlo, on a dating app. He's 35 and Italian.
We hit it off immediately and bonded over our love of travelling. He saw on my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship... then asked me out on a date.
He was rather enthusiastic. He planned everything and then picked me up.
When we met he was happy and said I exceeded all his expectations.. which was nice.
But as he was driving he expressed to me that he had 2 children. Sigh. And said he doesn't want anymore kids, nor does he want marriage.
But we spoke about this before the date and I told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet.
He then proceeds to tell me "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious".
Sigh. Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy.
But I just don't get why he wasn't just honest about his intentions from the start. Seems he just wants an F buddy.
The question in your post title is, "Why wasn't he just honest with me?" He's already answered that question for you, "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious." Was he wrong in that assessment? Would you have agreed to meet if he'd said that? No. So that's why he didn't say it.
He wanted to meet. As you say, you "both like each other. The connection is crazy." Is that partially the result of having met? Again, that's why he wanted to meet. He was hoping that his in-person charisma would win you over.
You can now safely kick him to the kerb, knowing that he's (a) got kids, (b) isn't looking for anything serious, and (c) is dishonest.
You've also learned a value lesson for next time, in that you "told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet."
Original post by DataVenia
The question in your post title is, "Why wasn't he just honest with me?" He's already answered that question for you, "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious." Was he wrong in that assessment? Would you have agreed to meet if he'd said that? No. So that's why he didn't say it.
He wanted to meet. As you say, you "both like each other. The connection is crazy." Is that partially the result of having met? Again, that's why he wanted to meet. He was hoping that his in-person charisma would win you over.
You can now safely kick him to the kerb, knowing that he's (a) got kids, (b) isn't looking for anything serious, and (c) is dishonest.
You've also learned a value lesson for next time, in that you "told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet."
He wanted to meet. As you say, you "both like each other. The connection is crazy." Is that partially the result of having met? Again, that's why he wanted to meet. He was hoping that his in-person charisma would win you over.
You can now safely kick him to the kerb, knowing that he's (a) got kids, (b) isn't looking for anything serious, and (c) is dishonest.
You've also learned a value lesson for next time, in that you "told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet."
Thank you for this sound perspective. I am sick of men not being so fourth coming. I would have appreciated if he just told me he had children etc., I would have just left it at that cos I don't need anyone to complicate things in my life anymore.
He could just look for someone else to be casual with. Its not hard. There are lots of women who aren't looking for something serious.
Secondly... he highlighted that he doesn't believe I have lees than 3 sexual partners cos of the way I look. He was expecting me to be promiscuous and that really baffled and hurt me.
Can't women be attractive and not be promiscuous? I just struggle with this as I turn down guys for sex and they get frustrated with me.
He wasn’t honest because he wanted to get into your lacy panties, it’s as simple as that.
He's a liar, wants casual sex with you and most likely assumes that the majority of other people online are just as dishonest as he is.
Cut contact, block and move on.
Plenty of much more compatible and honest single guys in the dating sea who are looking for a serious relationship.
Cut contact, block and move on.
Plenty of much more compatible and honest single guys in the dating sea who are looking for a serious relationship.
Original post by londonmyst
He's a liar, wants casual sex with you and most likely assumes that the majority of other people online are just as dishonest as he is.
Cut contact, block and move on.
Plenty of much more compatible and honest single guys in the dating sea who are looking for a serious relationship.
Cut contact, block and move on.
Plenty of much more compatible and honest single guys in the dating sea who are looking for a serious relationship.
This should be a slogan.
Similar to 'Catch it, Bin it, Kill it', it should be 'Cut Contact, Block and Move on'.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for this sound perspective. I am sick of men not being so fourth coming. I would have appreciated if he just told me he had children etc., I would have just left it at that cos I don't need anyone to complicate things in my life anymore.
He could just look for someone else to be casual with. Its not hard. There are lots of women who aren't looking for something serious.
Secondly... he highlighted that he doesn't believe I have lees than 3 sexual partners cos of the way I look. He was expecting me to be promiscuous and that really baffled and hurt me.
Can't women be attractive and not be promiscuous? I just struggle with this as I turn down guys for sex and they get frustrated with me.
He could just look for someone else to be casual with. Its not hard. There are lots of women who aren't looking for something serious.
Secondly... he highlighted that he doesn't believe I have lees than 3 sexual partners cos of the way I look. He was expecting me to be promiscuous and that really baffled and hurt me.
Can't women be attractive and not be promiscuous? I just struggle with this as I turn down guys for sex and they get frustrated with me.
Men's brains work a little different than women's, and there are different cultural expectations as well.
Men in general are encouraged to sleep around more than women are, and sleeping around is much easier for good looking men (compared to 'bad' looking men). It's therefore a popular trope among men that 'good looking women' also tend to sleep around. They just assume that, because that's what they themselves would do in those shoes.
There's various stats & surveys that back this up.
You absolutely can't reason with some of those idiots. I listened to a guy ranting once that because a woman didn't want to hook up with him she must be some sort of 'slut' (though I really dislike the word) getting laid with other men and getting too much attention elsewhere. Aka, if you have sex with the guy on your first encounter then you're a 'slut', and if you don't then you're also a 'slut'.
Good looking women in fact tend to be less promiscuous, which is not the case for men. The theory is that because we live in a society that places a lot of value on women's looks, 'authentically' good looking women (aka no surgery or excessive makeup) tend to be less insecure, and therefore do not as often resort to sex as a coping mechanism for their insecurity. Aka, they know their value without having it prove it to themselves by sleeping around.
You might therefore think that because our society also tends to value women more who do not sleep around, that those same 'types' of women (the insecure ones) might therefore sleep around less, but that's not what they do. They instead tend to rely on hiding this behavior or even outright lying about it (which is something that insecure people are more likely to do in general). It gets a little more complex here, and it's part of the reason why many men are very distrustful towards women on this topic - myself included.
(edited 7 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Can't women be attractive and not be promiscuous? I just struggle with this as I turn down guys for sex and they get frustrated with me.
I've a question if you don't mind... why do you normally turn them down? And after how long?
Most men would get frustrated if you dated 3 months for instance, and still didn't want to sleep with him and he doesn't understand the reason. In many if not most cases, this happens when the woman is just stringing the guy along as a 'backup option' while she's actually interested in someone else. No one likes to be messed around this way. That's just an example though, I'm not assuming anything.
If he's getting frustrated on your first date because you won't sleep with him... then he's probably an ar.sehole.
(edited 7 months ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I am 27(f), I met this guy named Carlo, on a dating app. He's 35 and Italian.
We hit it off immediately and bonded over our love of travelling. He saw on my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship... then asked me out on a date.
He was rather enthusiastic. He planned everything and then picked me up.
When we met he was happy and said I exceeded all his expectations.. which was nice.
But as he was driving he expressed to me that he had 2 children. Sigh. And said he doesn't want anymore kids, nor does he want marriage.
But we spoke about this before the date and I told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet.
He then proceeds to tell me "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious".
Sigh. Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy.
But I just don't get why he wasn't just honest about his intentions from the start. Seems he just wants an F buddy.
I am 27(f), I met this guy named Carlo, on a dating app. He's 35 and Italian.
We hit it off immediately and bonded over our love of travelling. He saw on my profile that I was looking for a serious relationship... then asked me out on a date.
He was rather enthusiastic. He planned everything and then picked me up.
When we met he was happy and said I exceeded all his expectations.. which was nice.
But as he was driving he expressed to me that he had 2 children. Sigh. And said he doesn't want anymore kids, nor does he want marriage.
But we spoke about this before the date and I told him what I wanted and assumed we were singing from the same hymn sheet.
He then proceeds to tell me "If I had told you I had kids, you would not have met me/stop speaking to me. I am not looking for anything serious".
Sigh. Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy.
But I just don't get why he wasn't just honest about his intentions from the start. Seems he just wants an F buddy.
Most guys don't really get to go on lot of dates off dating apps, so after a while you kinda become desperate for dates and it ends up like a scoring game.. you'll lie or omit certain things if you feel it'll make it more likely that the woman will go on a date with you. That's what he did. Most people on dating apps aren't relationship materiel anyways, most guys just wanna have sex and aren't thinking too much about other things.
And don't sweat it too much, you can't know a lot about a person just from one date. You say "Its annoying cos we both like each other. The connection is crazy" really? so he likes you, but he lied to you, and doesn't want kids with you or to marry you? damn that's some liking.. and what kind of connection is crazy if you just went on one date with a dude with two kids who just wants you as a f buddy and isn't even honest with you? that's not a connection.
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