What do you think of this piece of writing?

This piece of writing shows that you know a lot of adjectives and can use some nice similies. I don't think there are many other techniques that you use, and despite the liberal use of dramatic description, its not very persuasive. I would have focused less imagery and more on persuasive arguments. That is just my opinion. I'm not an examiner and i maybe completely wrong. Please don't be offended or anything.

what grade did you get for this piece of writing.

But the form isn't persuade. The task was to describe and explain.


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The literal question was: "Write a letter to the organisers which describes what you would like to include and explains why your ideas would appeal to the community."

A form of a letter isn't to describe - that is a work for an article or a narrative piece. A letter is used to persuade someone who is reading and to perhaps empathise with the writer.

Yes, it said "describe" in the question but, the majority of your answer should have been persuading the Organiser what you should have briefly described.

Writing to explain is a form of writing, but not usually used for the Higher paper. It's usually for Foundation paper because it is the most simplistic writing style. Whilst describing being the next and persuading being higher as you have to use a precise linguistic techniques to convince the reader of your words.

(I didn't mention this in response to your PM. I should have but I thought I did).

Bro, the reason I didn't persuade in the exam is AQA have this structure:

Question 5 - the form is always explain, inform and/or describe

Question 6 - the form is argue or persuade.

I don't get why they'd have expected me to persuade when they clearly said in their specification that question five was restricted to explain, inform and/or describe.


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Well, it just proves my point that sometimes you just can't rely on the Spec... Specs aren't always set in stone. But, syntactically, I still go with persuade. As I did say in PM, you probably misread the question which is why got got the grade. But it's not a bad thing Mr!

Looks like I've got myself an opportunity to appeal, if that's their excuse for marking me down... According to Ofqual, what they write in their specification and support materials should be a true representative of what is to be expected in the exam.


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I wrote this in my exam and am sending it off for a remark, but wanted to get feedback on the pieces first.

Task: Write a letter to the organiser of your local festival describing some changes you would make and explain these changes. (I think that is what it was)

Answer:

Dear organiser,

I am sure that you will be duly aware that our annual Summer Festival is near-approaching, but I have some suggestions for the Festival that have appealed to many of the people amid our cheerful community.

Brown, deteriorated grass that lacks the soft, sweet, indulging aroma that it should have is not the place to host our Summer Festival. Instead, I am suggesting that we should have our Festival at Cranes' Park. This is a place where luscious green trees reach upwards towards the fluffy white clouds, filtering out the jewel-like light, casting elegant silhouettes of the tall, leafy giants. It is the perfect place for children, as they can wonder off into the realms of this park, as the grass tickles their feet, and they experience the wonders of the outdoors. Any parent would love this: their children's eyes fixed in a hypnotic trance, as they gaze excitedly at the array of different colours, sizes and shapes. The turn-out could be fantastic.

Despite the beauty of the park, there is most definitely going to be a source of rubbish on the day, so we must hire a cleaner. Imagine this: trampled, torn plates covered in oozing yellow sauce from those crispy, juicy burgers, scattered across the fields, immaculate pieces of exotic fruit to be then thrown around and then a reign of flies infesting the happiness of young children at the Festival. Parents, children and environmentally-keen people are not going to want to come or may not have as much fun.

Your well-organised Festival could have a minuscule affect on them!

Logically, however, if you use my (rather clever, I must say) idea of hiring out a cleaner for the day - or days, if we're lucky - we wouldn't have to experience such revulsion on the day and people will be able to enjoy the festival. They may even decide to come back next year!

All in all, I hope that you will consider my suggestions and knowledgeably integrate them into the Summer Festival. It will be the best one yet!

Yours faithfully,
Aaran.




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