Friend raped?

If one of your close friends told you that she had been raped in the past, what would your first reaction be? And what would you think of her?

Reply 1

username1740449

13

This has happened to me.

My reaction: comforting her. There was a lot of tears and I was pretty gutted for her. It was clearly emotionally traumatic and she was a somewhat modest girl who believed in things like affection and romance. To have such a big private moment taken from her was awful.

What I thought of her: Now, I don't know what you mean by this question. Did I think of her differently as a person? Of course not. Did it help me understand her more? Definitely. I now understood her fear of drunks, why she didn't want to walk anywhere alone, why she was sceptical of people's intentions and why she dressed like she was in the Arctic.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by ShannyMorrison

This has happened to me.

My reaction: comforting her. There was a lot of tears and I was pretty gutted for her. It was clearly emotionally traumatic and she was a somewhat modest girl who believed in things like affection and romance. To have such a big private moment taken from her was awful.

What I thought of her: Now, I don't know what you mean by this question. Did I think of her differently as a person? Of course not. Did it help me understand her more? Definitely. I now understood her fear of drunks, why she didn't want to walk anywhere alone, why she was sceptical of people's intentions and why she dressed like she was in the Arctic.

You sound like such a good friend :smile:

. I told a friend a few days ago about my past. However she was like you, openly comforting. But I can't stop thinking whether she is secretly horrified and thinks I am damaged/ contaminated, because that's how I feel. I'm afraid that she never wants to speak to me again. Ofc she has given me no indication of such. I know it sounds silly. Anyway, thanks for your response!

Reply 3

username1740449

13

Original post by Anonymous

I can't stop thinking whether she is secretly horrified and thinks I am damaged/ contaminated, because that's how I feel. I'm afraid that she never wants to speak to me again

Sadly, the little voice in your head may say this for a while. It'll take a while to get confidence again and to get back on your feet. She felt insecure for a long time but I honestly never saw her as 'damaged'. Emotionally vulnerable, yes, but not damaged. I hope you heal one day dear, things like that shouldn't happen to anyone - PM me if you ever need to talk!

Reply 4

Houthi6

rapists should be castrated. filthy scum.

Reply 5

Zeus007

6

Why does it have to be a "she"? If it was a female or male i would react the same and comfort them. People need to realise females arent the only ones prone rape!!!!!

Reply 6

Lemon Haze

20

Original post by Zeus007

Why does it have to be a "she"? If it was a female or male i would react the same and comfort them. People need to realise females arent the only ones prone rape!!!!!

They pretty much are though.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Zeus007

Why does it have to be a "she"? If it was a female or male i would react the same and comfort them. People need to realise females arent the only ones prone rape!!!!!

Apologies. I do recognise that both can be victims of sexual offences. In fact there's not enough awareness of male sexual assaults. But I used "she" because I was referring to myself.

Reply 8

username1339858_

16

First reaction cry with hugs and consolation
Second tell her thank you for telling me
Third it's okay. It doesn't change anything between us

Secretly i would want to go hurt the rapist

Reply 9

DocManhattan

Original post by Lemon Haze

They pretty much are though.

OMGGG so you're saying males never get raped?

Reply 10

PurpleNerple

1

I'd firstly think "what is her definition of rape?"
and I don't mean to be harsh by saying that
because these days, intoxicated sex is even posited as "rape"
which is chauvinistic because it assumes that women are so irrational that they essentially can't drink alcohol and also consent to sex.

Reply 11

habeas.corpus

15

Original post by PurpleNerple

I'd firstly think "what is her definition of rape?"
and I don't mean to be harsh by saying that
because these days, intoxicated sex is even posited as "rape"
which is chauvinistic because it assumes that women are so irrational that they essentially can't drink alcohol and also consent to sex.

Rape is penetration without consent. Even if someone was drunk, they didn't ask for it. Also the exact same thing can happen to a man so I fail to see how it's chauvinistic.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 12

999tigger

19

Original post by Anonymous

If one of your close friends told you that she had been raped in the past, what would your first reaction be? And what would you think of her?

Sympathy followed by discreet conversation on whether she needed any support- followed by an assessment about where she was in dealing with it. I would think the same of her, except I'd realise what a bit burden it would have been to carry and hope she was ok.

Males who are rape victims are recorded as 11.5% of rapes. Its not unreasonable to assume its a woman, but it doesnt really matter as they should be treated with the same approach.

(edited 7 years ago)

Reply 13

999tigger

19

Original post by PurpleNerple

I'd firstly think "what is her definition of rape?"
and I don't mean to be harsh by saying that
because these days, intoxicated sex is even posited as "rape"
which is chauvinistic because it assumes that women are so irrational that they essentially can't drink alcohol and also consent to sex.

Perhaps the legal definition of rape would be a starting point? Did you have a different one that has some credibility?

The Sexual Offences Act 2003:

1-(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.

Reply 14

username967462

14

Original post by PurpleNerple

I'd firstly think "what is her definition of rape?"
and I don't mean to be harsh by saying that
because these days, intoxicated sex is even posited as "rape"
which is chauvinistic because it assumes that women are so irrational that they essentially can't drink alcohol and also consent to sex.

That's an odd first reaction. My first reaction would be concern and compassion, not scepticism and judgment. And also, men can be raped too.

Reply 15

kettering_98

Original post by PurpleNerple

I'd firstly think "what is her definition of rape?"
and I don't mean to be harsh by saying that
because these days, intoxicated sex is even posited as "rape"
which is chauvinistic because it assumes that women are so irrational that they essentially can't drink alcohol and also consent to sex.

There's a big difference between being drunk enough so that you're gregarious and willing to take a few risks, and being so drunk that you're disorientated, unaware of your surroundings, and on the verge of passing out. I would question the morality of any person willing to have sex with the latter kind of drunk person - gender, in this hypothetical situation, is irrelevant.

In response to the OP: I would offer sympathy and comfort - I would probably hug her and let her cry if she needed it. I would then offer my support, and would engage in a conversation where I'd attempt to assess how she was emotionally. I would ask if she received any professional support, in the form of counselling/therapy, and I may remind her of the existence of such if she felt as though she needed it. It wouldn't make me think any less of her, not at all; it would make me incredibly angry at the rapist, and would probably make me more intuitive about her emotional state from then on. But I promise you, you aren't 'damaged' or anything of the sort - you're an incredibly strong person for surviving it, and don't ever let yourself think otherwise.

Reply 16

Sabertooth

20

Original post by Zeus007

You're a disgrace and you just turned a blind eye to every male who got sexually assaulted. Youre a feminist arent you.

Not the place. Take it elsewhere.

Reply 17

username1869653

18

Original post by Houthi6

rapists should be castrated. filthy scum.

Let's turn into the very monsters we oppose.

Reply 18

Sabertooth

20

@Houthi6 @ugaaa5

C'mon guys, show some courtesy . If you want this debate go post here:
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=364

Otherwise, let's get back on topic.