My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now but over the past few months sex has become a rarity, maybe once or twice a month. I had asked him if anything was wrong before and he told me he was worried of the risks of getting pregnant (I have been on the pill for 4 years but we dont use a condom) so I thought I would make it fun and exciting by buying a mixture of different condoms so it, hopefully, would ruin the mood to put one on. But things are still the same, we still rarely have any sexual contact and now if we do it very rarely leads to sex so I brought it up again last night.
I am happy in my relationship and I know sex isn't the basis of a relationship but I just wanted to know if there were any reasons why he seemed uninterested because it has started to make me feel insecure about myself. So we spoke about it and it turned into a 3 hour long discussion during which we both cried a lot because neither of us are sure if we have a proper relationship any more. We both love each other very much and we are both still attracted to each other, we sleep in the same bed and love cuddles. We do lots together and we are best friends but with little sexual contact there's a thin line between friends and a couple.
Finally we decided that we would keep things as they are and see how things go because neither of us wants to break up, but now things are different between us, he's distancing himself a bit and now I'm scared I am going to lose him.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How do you know if you are still more than just best friends?
We don't have sex anymore Watch
- Thread Starter
- 03-02-2010 12:04
- 03-02-2010 16:43
I've been with my boyfriend a loooong time and we haven't had sex yet, for reasons I'm not going to go in to on here. However I feel like we're a proper couple, we fancy each other and love each other...you wouldn't cuddle up to your mate in bed would you?
I think it's good you've discussed it, so maybe now you should just take it slow. It's probably putting pressure on both of you, so for now maybe don't focus on actual sex, instead start doing other things which lead up to sex. Maybe start cuddling and go a little further each time. It will ease the pressure and maybe remind you of the excitement of when you first started going out.
I know it sounds crass but you could try watching porn together, it could get you in the mood and if you haven't done that already, it's not as awkward as you may think.
It sounds like your boyfriend could be depressed, as loss of libido is a common symptom of depression, so just be there for him if he needs to talk and take it slow...no pressure!
Hope things work out for you.
- 03-02-2010 16:47
buy some nice underwear and surprise him.
Take the initiative and see how he reacts, if you do sexy stuff on the spur of the moment he might get caught up with it and realise how much he wants you. Sex shouldn't be "oh...do you want sex?" "erm...maybe in a bit". Spontaneity is the key.
- 03-02-2010 16:48
Think he's gay.
Hope this helps.
- 03-02-2010 16:48
Rope. For the times when he says no.
- 03-02-2010 18:42
When you do have sex, does he initiate it or do you? And if you do then how does he react?
I think maybe it's one of those situations where that aspect of the relationship has slipped because you're in a long term relationship, even if nothing else has. Maybe you need to inject some spice back into it?
What about some kind of massaging? Or try something new/new places to have sex etc? Maybe act out some of his fantasies and yours. Think something needs to be tried so that you're not just having routine, once a month sex. Or maybe that if the frequency remains low you could go for quality over quantity?
- 03-02-2010 18:44
Dirty weekend away?
(Original post by Anonymous)
- 03-02-2010 18:51
sex isn't the basis of a relationship
Yes it is.
- 03-02-2010 19:25
aww, sorry to hear
if he's distancing himself, thats very bad....
- 03-02-2010 19:28
The thing is just to do something totally different - go away for a weekend or something, and just have some time to yourselves to give it a kickstart, so to speak. If you let things just carry on the way they are, then you're going to carry on feeling dissatisfied with the whole relationship.
- 03-02-2010 22:57
Once or twice a month?!
I don't believe a relationship is built on sex, obviously, but sex is part of a healthy relationship and shouldn't be neglected. Usually, a lack of sex indicates something wrong in the relationship. If you want more intimacy, you should seriously talk to him. I have done that recently, and whilst it wasn't a pleasant conversation, I knew I couldn't go on like this forever...
(Original post by Anonymous)
- 04-02-2010 13:25
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now but over the past few months sex has become a rarity, maybe once or twice a month.
I think it will just take a bit of effort on both your parts to spend the time getting back into a more regular routine again. I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it, if you love one another and this is the only thing that is wrong, it will sort itself out.
Don't think, just do.
- 04-02-2010 13:57
I’m in a similar position OP, except I’m the one turned off by sex. Usually, I can only manage to have sex about once every couple of months.
At the moment, getting pregnant is one of my biggest fears in life. I take the pill, and have been doing so for a couple of years now, but I rarely have sex because I still find it quite scary and link it to baby-making. Logically I know that if I have sex whilst on the pill, there’s a high probability I won’t get pregnant, but still there’s a fear in the back of my mind that kills my sex drive. It’s irrational and I wish I could suppress it. It also doesn’t help that every time I’ve had sex it hurts.
I guess you could try to bring it up with him again, ask him if he's scared of sex or if he simply has low libido?