Was I raped?

I had sex 2 weeks ago with someone I'd been on one date with 6 months before.
He hadn't drunk any alcohol because he was driving, but I had drunk a lot, and when my friends went home because they thought I'd already left, I was left with him and his friends. We then went into town and he bought me another drink (double), then in the car he dropped all his friends home. Along the journey, I said 'wait...I don't live this way' and he replied 'I know', and we arrived at his place and he hadn't dropped me home like he said. He kept saying come in but I kept refusing and saying I wasn't going back to his but he opened the car door and grabbed at my hand and was like nahh come on. Anyway I was quite drunk so I don't remember all of it since then but basically I remember him inserting his penis into me and I was wincing and telling him 'ouch, no it's hurting' but he carried on...he is a lot bigger than me and I remember being like he was on top of me and I couldn't move anything...
However I didn't hit him or shove him off me so does it not count as rape? I'm 18.
But I have to reiterate although I had drank a lot I didn't scream or shout or make any effort to move away from him at the time. When he went to sleep I stayed awake all night and by the time he woke up several hours later I was sat on the floor

Reply 1

JackFletch

11

Even if you didn't try to fight him off, the fact that you didn't consent means it was rape

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

Yeah I went to a sexual health clinic today to get tested after this...and when I told them what happened they told me I had been taped and referred me instantly to these people who rang me whilst I was still with the Doctor who examined me...then was referred to someone else 30 mins later who wrote a full statement and is trying to get me to tell the police to be honest. I haven't told anyone about any of this though :/

Reply 3

Andy98

20

Yeah that's rape. Sorry kid

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 4

Heffalump .

8

Yeah, he drove you back to his when he said he was driving you to yours.. and you said no but he was still like 'yeah' and I don't really see how you were 'up for it' in that scenario:L so yeah he raped you

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

I know that a previous poster said that even thought I didn't hit him off me then it's rape, but is it really, you know, actual rape because yeah I didn't try to actually push him off me

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

I know that a previous poster said that even thought I didn't hit him off me then it's rape, but is it really, you know, actual rape because yeah I didn't try to actually push him off me

Sorry, that wasn't very clear...what I mean is; often when you hear about rape stories the victim was desperately trying to defend themself from their attacker by shouting or physically trying to get them off them - that kind of thing. Me on the other hand - I didn't move. I just lay there. I told him 'ow it really hurts' but he just carried on with it.. Is it not my own fault, at least partially, for not trying to do more to get him to stop?

Reply 7

Katty3

16

Original post by Anonymous

Sorry, that wasn't very clear...what I mean is; often when you hear about rape stories the victim was desperately trying to defend themself from their attacker by shouting or physically trying to get them off them - that kind of thing. Me on the other hand - I didn't move. I just lay there. I told him 'ow it really hurts' but he just carried on with it.. Is it not my own fault, at least partially, for not trying to do more to get him to stop?

Not your fault in the slightest. The only person at fault is your attacker.

You didn't consent. He is the ONLY one at fault. Not fighting him off doesn't mean that you consented.

You didn't consent and that is the only thing that matters in terms of whether or not you were raped. Not fighting doesn't mean that you weren't raped.

The stories you hear about rape don't mean that you weren't raped.
Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 8

unprinted

19

Yes, from what you say, this was rape.

It's probably not the first time he's done this to someone.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by unprinted

Yes, from what you say, this was rape.

It's probably not the first time he's done this to someone.

Yeah that's what the support worker was trying to say to convince me to make a statement to the police. I don't know what to think though 😩😩

Reply 10

Andy98

20

Original post by Anonymous

Sorry, that wasn't very clear...what I mean is; often when you hear about rape stories the victim was desperately trying to defend themself from their attacker by shouting or physically trying to get them off them - that kind of thing. Me on the other hand - I didn't move. I just lay there. I told him 'ow it really hurts' but he just carried on with it.. Is it not my own fault, at least partially, for not trying to do more to get him to stop?

Not your fault at all. Fighting him off while drunk could've caused more problems - there wasn't really much you could do about it. You told him to stop and he didn't, that's his fault.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 11

CherryCherryBoomBoom

21

Yes, you were raped :console:

. Your support worker is right. I think you should go to the police and report him, or else he'll get away with it and possibly harm other girls too.

Reply 12

unprinted

19

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah that's what the support worker was trying to say to convince me to make a statement to the police. I don't know what to think though 😩😩

Yes, it's not always easy. If you make a statement, that may be the end of your involvement with the police, or it may help get him convicted for a string of similar offences.

What support do you have?

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by unprinted

Yes, it's not always easy. If you make a statement, that may be the end of your involvement with the police, or it may help get him convicted for a string of similar offences.

What support do you have?

Yeah I suppose so.
I don't know, I literally haven't told anyone about it apart from the Doctor who examined me when I took myself to a sexual health unit a a hospital to check myself out. I didn't tell anyone I was going there either. I think I'm struggling to comprehend what's happened myself so that's why I haven't told anyone. I think I should but I don't really get on with my parents so I don't think I would tell them, not now anyway.
My best friend is probably the only person I'd tell but I'm worried that if you tell people you've been raped that they won't believe you, or they'll blame you and say 'well you must've been wearing something provocative', (which I wasn't, and that would most certainly be no excuse anyway).
I used to tell my ex everything, but we were only together a few months and split up in July, (mutually, due to his depression and him saying he doesn't want to drag me down, and me trying to do everything to help him but getting no response from him via text being cold etc), but we still have to work together. We don't really talk apart from the odd thing about work and only on staff parties when he's had a few does he go back to how he was when we were together. I think he would also understand but yeah, even though I actually still like him and I miss him (don't know if it's mutual), it would be weird for me to tell him when we hardly speak anymore.

Reply 14

ikhan94

16

Yh that is absolutely rape, sorry to hear that, because you didn't consent to it

Reply 15

unprinted

19

Needing to take time processing what happened is common after this.

Depending on where you are and what you do, there should be somewhere - do a search for 'rape crisis' or similar.

Reply 16

Will98765

8

By law, sex without pre-agreement is rape, so there's your answer

Reply 17

kristen2

12

Yes this is rape. Firstly you were intoxicated so it would've been rape anyway, but you also said no quite clearly and expressed you didn't want to do it. I would report this to the police if I were you

Reply 18

username2191987

15

You need to get the idea of rape clear in your head because you are confused at the moment and, frankly, you seem to be relying on some poor websites or what you have heard. The issue of consent can be quite complex when TWO people are drunk but if one is sober then it is not difficult. You attempted to avoid the situation by saying you thought you were going home. He convinced you / slightly forced you to go into his home. Being drunk means your judgment was impaired so you entered his home. He had sex with you, knowing that you were drunk, and he facilitated that sex by buying you an extra drink.You said to him: "ouch, no, it's hurting" but he carried on, disregarding your protest. You never gave him consent to have sex with you and - when he started - you asked him to stop. This is rape.

Let's look at a couple of rape myths.

Some people may think you behaved or dressed provocatively and were, therefore, asking for it. You may dress how you please as long as you are not indecent in the eyes of the public.
You were drunk and, therefore, asking for it. This is not true. You are entitled to be drunk and nobody should draw conclusions from this.
You did not say 'no' clearly enough originally, so it was okay to have sex with you. This is not consent. Consent means saying 'yes'
You did not scream or fight him off, so you actually wanted sex. The issue of fighting is difficult. People (juries and friends) like victims to be injured because it implies the chaste woman fought for her honour, but it is nonsense: it is probably better to not fight lest you are injured. Add to this the fact that rape victims may also freeze and be incapable of any action at all.
You stayed the night so you were not that bothered. Untrue: you were drunk and in shock.

Get it clear in your head that the stranger / bogeyman rapist hardly exists. Most rapes occur exactly in situations like this where the offender is known or familiar to the victim.

You need to stop and breathe. Only YOU can decide if you should report this to the police. It is not for anyone else to try to force you to do so for the good of all women in your area. Making a rape complaint is arduous and most investigations do not get to court but there are support networks in place through your GP, the Samaritans, your uni, friends and family but you can go here now >> http://rapecrisis.org.uk/

Hopefully they can help you decide what you should do.

I am so sorry for what has happened to you and I hope you have the strength to decide soon what you want to do. Nobody should judge you either way and - if they do - encourage them to read up on rape myths in general so that maybe they don't get the wrong end of the stick.Best of luck.