My situation is very, VERY complicated. Please, bare with me.
I'm a female first-year undergrad in Newcastle University. I'm currently studying Bio-computing in a 4 year course and unfortunately, since last year I've been having this worrying feeling in the pit of my stomach that the academic route I've chosen is not right for me. My unfulfilled dreams of studying Medicine are haunting me continuously, during my lectures, during my walks outside the Medical School of Newcastle, whenever I try to focus on my studies.
My dreams of going to Medical School were left behind very soon, since I've never been very confident as a teenager. My grades throughout my student years have always been maintained to be on the top tiers of grading, however my parents always perceived it as something normal, something they were expecting from me. For better or for worse, I was almost never awarded for my continuous work in school. Of course, for the biggest part I studied for myself, but the encouragement from my parents was never there.
Two years before finishing high school I started considering Medicine as a field of study I could pursue and go towards. My parents however where not extremely keen for several reasons. My dad believed that I didn't have the determination to study that much for such a demanding course and also that it would not be worth it in the long run, since it was an extremely expensive and long course. And he was right of course, since I was still 16. Medicine sounded like fun but even I didn't believe in myself, how would I make my parents believe in me? Also I used to be very self conscious, extremely socially awkward as a person. The chances of even going into Medical School with the kind of mentality I had and with the competition there is in Greece for Medicine were very thin. And in the end, studying Medicine in Greece wasn't even worth it in my eyes, since the situation in the universities back there is simply indescribable (the economical crisis has really affected academic institutions in Greece since the majority of them are public, funded by the government.) Also the structure of the medical course the Greek universities offer was and is in my opinion severely flawed. But that's a whole other story. What I really wanted was to study in the UK. That was what I always dreamed of. The high level teaching, the multiculturalism, the numerous clinical cases I would get the chance to study and observe.
Then there was money.
I would like to mention that since I come from Greece, and that my parents live and work in Greece, so if you are informed about the current situation down there, I think you can understand our economical situation as a family. I have to admit, in comparison with other households in Greece, my parents make quite a lot of money. We don't owe any money to any banks however we're still paying off my A level fees in Math and Computing.
Due to certain circumstances, I changed quite a lot as a person this last year. I spent a lot of time alone, studying, reading, spending time for myself, which led me to mature as a person. I was already mature as a teenager but school assessments and my friends and some teenage drama from here and there never let me fully understand how this world works, what is really going on around me. I had to leave home, my friends and my country and live abroad in Cyprus for a year to complete my A Levels in Math and AS in Computing in order to get in an UK Computer Science course. CS was our final decision as a family, since that was what I've been spending all my free time with the past 2 years while i was still in Greece, motherboards, routers and programming. I knew that I had skills on this and in the mind of my parents, that was more than enough. Also the job opportunities in the sector of technology are countless (if you're good at it
) .So it seemed as a great choice for everyone. And so I forgot to remember that I maybe I shouldn't have chosen something to make everyone happy, but something to make myself happy most importantly.. If I was happy with what I would do, everyone would be happy in the long run. Our decision was rushed and like that I spent a whole year abroad regretting everything. But there was no turning back. I tried ignoring my fears in the though of making a fuss later on during uni and the chance of going through and existential crisis because I was too afraid back there of saying what I really wanted and making everyone sad and disappointed in me. I was afraid of being judged by my old friends who I Ieft back in Greece because they seemed (and still do) so determined and happy with the life choices they made.
It's only my first month in uni and to be honest, I've never experienced such a horrible period in my life. Sleeping at night seems impossible, I sweat profusely in my sleep and fear for the next day to come. The next day that I will have to get up from my bed and do something that will lead me to somewhere where I won't be the least happy.. I felt as this CS course would be my £27.000 mistake that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Last week I talked with a career counselor in my uni's student center and told her what I was carrying this last year all by myself. Needless to say, after some minutes of talking I couldn't help it but tear up. All this have been building up inside me for so long that it was almost eating me inside out.
After making a longer appointment with the career counselor for next week, and also an appointment with a person from finance and from student well being( the counselor kinda freaked out when she saw me in the verge of crying and describing her what I've been through the past month and made me have an appointment in order to get mental support... ) . I've been seriously thinking of dropping out as soon as possible.
I need to finally believe in myself and do things the right way. I must turn myself into someone who I will be proud of. What I really need now is to pursue what I always wanted, the dream i wrongfully left behind. I need to study medicine, I need to learn as much as I can and gain as much experience as possible to do what I really want in life.
Save people. As much as I can at least. Saving everyone is unfortunately not an option in real life.
People who don't have the opportunity to access normal health support.
I want, after I'm finally ready as a person to be a part of Doctors without Borders. That's what I need to walk towards. That's only what will let me sleep a little better during the night.
Studying Medicine in the UK. Is it still possible for me?
What choices do I have in terms of preparation for medical school?
If you read through all this melodrama of mine, thank you.
Any kind of advice would be immensely appreciated.