Anon_98's final a level journey
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heyyyyy anon, i was just wondering what app/programme you use to note how long ur spending on each project cuz i really need something that helps me do that atm
thank you so much in advance!!! xx
best,
babylonian
thank you so much in advance!!! xx
best,
babylonian
Final weekend update (sun) - 08/04/2018
12:57 - ok.
13:02 - im so angry that i'm crying + i'm just so so angry bc i just feel so defeated.
13:42 - I need to get myself in the revision thread so I guess I'm going to get myself in the revision thread bc even though absolutely nothing in me wants to, I know I have to bc I won't get anything done otherwise. Everything is dumb.
15:15 - I've finally finished writing the unfinished poetry essay from the other day. 928 words.
17:10 - I haven't revised my flashcards in a while which means they've been building up and it's not good. Just studied 134 flashcards in 36 minutes though. I'll do the rest of them tomorrow bc it'll be more manageable that way.
17:51 - Ok I've recorded one poem.
21:12 - So I've showered and cleaned my entire room. It was getting.. offensive. Hoovered, and also finally unpacked and also finally changed my bedsheets which I haven't done since I last mentioned on here. Think it's been like a month or something. Life just gets on top of me ok. Why do I always put the wrong size duvet cover on though. Cannot bear to change it again, uncomfortable it's gonna have to be. Also just lit a candle so my room should smell funky soon.
Overall this easter holiday has just been despicable. First was half was good, last half was very bad and tbh, I'm so drained like it's just been so disgusting. The number of times I have cried is like actually illegal. I don't know if I'm proud of what I've achieved, I don't think I care. I basically tried to dedicate my easter holidays towards literature because when i go back to college i will not have much time to revise due to my coursework. By the way today I discovered that it turned out I had 9 essays to write this easter, not 8. I'm just accepting it at this point. Which means I've basically got to do 5 more essays before my next lesson.
I honestly didn't know how to split it up so that I'd do everything on time and I don't know if I've made the right decision by spending all of easter on english but I guess we'll find out soon.
Definitely not looking forward to school tomorrow, definitely not feeling recharged for a new term but can't do anything about it so whatev. I'm already in bed and everything. I didn't get to sleep till about 6am yesterday either so really trying to prevent that today in anyway I possibly can by getting into bed earlier + hoping the exhaustion takes me. I have a throbbing headache so hopefully it won't be too hard. Only consumed a yoghurt today + haven't had a proper meal since like last sunday I think so I'll try and get better at that for this next week. Really hoping this next week will be a lot better for many reasons to be honest.
21:15 - Well, here's the inevitable sunday graph image. Goodbye for now.
In progress:
Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 16/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
12:57 - ok.
13:02 - im so angry that i'm crying + i'm just so so angry bc i just feel so defeated.
13:42 - I need to get myself in the revision thread so I guess I'm going to get myself in the revision thread bc even though absolutely nothing in me wants to, I know I have to bc I won't get anything done otherwise. Everything is dumb.
15:15 - I've finally finished writing the unfinished poetry essay from the other day. 928 words.
17:10 - I haven't revised my flashcards in a while which means they've been building up and it's not good. Just studied 134 flashcards in 36 minutes though. I'll do the rest of them tomorrow bc it'll be more manageable that way.
17:51 - Ok I've recorded one poem.
21:12 - So I've showered and cleaned my entire room. It was getting.. offensive. Hoovered, and also finally unpacked and also finally changed my bedsheets which I haven't done since I last mentioned on here. Think it's been like a month or something. Life just gets on top of me ok. Why do I always put the wrong size duvet cover on though. Cannot bear to change it again, uncomfortable it's gonna have to be. Also just lit a candle so my room should smell funky soon.
Overall this easter holiday has just been despicable. First was half was good, last half was very bad and tbh, I'm so drained like it's just been so disgusting. The number of times I have cried is like actually illegal. I don't know if I'm proud of what I've achieved, I don't think I care. I basically tried to dedicate my easter holidays towards literature because when i go back to college i will not have much time to revise due to my coursework. By the way today I discovered that it turned out I had 9 essays to write this easter, not 8. I'm just accepting it at this point. Which means I've basically got to do 5 more essays before my next lesson.
I honestly didn't know how to split it up so that I'd do everything on time and I don't know if I've made the right decision by spending all of easter on english but I guess we'll find out soon.
Definitely not looking forward to school tomorrow, definitely not feeling recharged for a new term but can't do anything about it so whatev. I'm already in bed and everything. I didn't get to sleep till about 6am yesterday either so really trying to prevent that today in anyway I possibly can by getting into bed earlier + hoping the exhaustion takes me. I have a throbbing headache so hopefully it won't be too hard. Only consumed a yoghurt today + haven't had a proper meal since like last sunday I think so I'll try and get better at that for this next week. Really hoping this next week will be a lot better for many reasons to be honest.
21:15 - Well, here's the inevitable sunday graph image. Goodbye for now.
In progress:
Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 16/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
Original post by babylonian
heyyyyy anon, i was just wondering what app/programme you use to note how long ur spending on each project cuz i really need something that helps me do that atm
thank you so much in advance!!! xx
best,
babylonian
thank you so much in advance!!! xx
best,
babylonian
study time, blue app white tick in the middle.
thank you honeyboooooo xx
Original post by Anon_98
Final weekend update (sun) - 08/04/2018
12:57 - ok.
13:02 - im so angry that i'm crying + i'm just so so angry bc i just feel so defeated.
13:42 - I need to get myself in the revision thread so I guess I'm going to get myself in the revision thread bc even though absolutely nothing in me wants to, I know I have to bc I won't get anything done otherwise. Everything is dumb.
15:15 - I've finally finished writing the unfinished poetry essay from the other day. 928 words.
17:10 - I haven't revised my flashcards in a while which means they've been building up and it's not good. Just studied 134 flashcards in 36 minutes though. I'll do the rest of them tomorrow bc it'll be more manageable that way.
17:51 - Ok I've recorded one poem.
21:12 - So I've showered and cleaned my entire room. It was getting.. offensive. Hoovered, and also finally unpacked and also finally changed my bedsheets which I haven't done since I last mentioned on here. Think it's been like a month or something. Life just gets on top of me ok. Why do I always put the wrong size duvet cover on though. Cannot bear to change it again, uncomfortable it's gonna have to be. Also just lit a candle so my room should smell funky soon.
Overall this easter holiday has just been despicable. First was half was good, last half was very bad and tbh, I'm so drained like it's just been so disgusting. The number of times I have cried is like actually illegal. I don't know if I'm proud of what I've achieved, I don't think I care. I basically tried to dedicate my easter holidays towards literature because when i go back to college i will not have much time to revise due to my coursework. By the way today I discovered that it turned out I had 9 essays to write this easter, not 8. I'm just accepting it at this point. Which means I've basically got to do 5 more essays before my next lesson.
I honestly didn't know how to split it up so that I'd do everything on time and I don't know if I've made the right decision by spending all of easter on english but I guess we'll find out soon.
Definitely not looking forward to school tomorrow, definitely not feeling recharged for a new term but can't do anything about it so whatev. I'm already in bed and everything. I didn't get to sleep till about 6am yesterday either so really trying to prevent that today in anyway I possibly can by getting into bed earlier + hoping the exhaustion takes me. I have a throbbing headache so hopefully it won't be too hard. Only consumed a yoghurt today + haven't had a proper meal since like last sunday I think so I'll try and get better at that for this next week. Really hoping this next week will be a lot better for many reasons to be honest.
21:15 - Well, here's the inevitable sunday graph image. Goodbye for now.
In progress:
Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 16/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
12:57 - ok.
13:02 - im so angry that i'm crying + i'm just so so angry bc i just feel so defeated.
13:42 - I need to get myself in the revision thread so I guess I'm going to get myself in the revision thread bc even though absolutely nothing in me wants to, I know I have to bc I won't get anything done otherwise. Everything is dumb.
15:15 - I've finally finished writing the unfinished poetry essay from the other day. 928 words.
17:10 - I haven't revised my flashcards in a while which means they've been building up and it's not good. Just studied 134 flashcards in 36 minutes though. I'll do the rest of them tomorrow bc it'll be more manageable that way.
17:51 - Ok I've recorded one poem.
21:12 - So I've showered and cleaned my entire room. It was getting.. offensive. Hoovered, and also finally unpacked and also finally changed my bedsheets which I haven't done since I last mentioned on here. Think it's been like a month or something. Life just gets on top of me ok. Why do I always put the wrong size duvet cover on though. Cannot bear to change it again, uncomfortable it's gonna have to be. Also just lit a candle so my room should smell funky soon.
Overall this easter holiday has just been despicable. First was half was good, last half was very bad and tbh, I'm so drained like it's just been so disgusting. The number of times I have cried is like actually illegal. I don't know if I'm proud of what I've achieved, I don't think I care. I basically tried to dedicate my easter holidays towards literature because when i go back to college i will not have much time to revise due to my coursework. By the way today I discovered that it turned out I had 9 essays to write this easter, not 8. I'm just accepting it at this point. Which means I've basically got to do 5 more essays before my next lesson.
I honestly didn't know how to split it up so that I'd do everything on time and I don't know if I've made the right decision by spending all of easter on english but I guess we'll find out soon.
Definitely not looking forward to school tomorrow, definitely not feeling recharged for a new term but can't do anything about it so whatev. I'm already in bed and everything. I didn't get to sleep till about 6am yesterday either so really trying to prevent that today in anyway I possibly can by getting into bed earlier + hoping the exhaustion takes me. I have a throbbing headache so hopefully it won't be too hard. Only consumed a yoghurt today + haven't had a proper meal since like last sunday I think so I'll try and get better at that for this next week. Really hoping this next week will be a lot better for many reasons to be honest.
21:15 - Well, here's the inevitable sunday graph image. Goodbye for now.
In progress:
Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 16/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
Sending so much love anon 
You can do this
Here if you want to talk <3
Please take care of yourself
You've already done so much more work than me, so proud of u ♥♥♥
I actually miss candles so much
You've done really well, however it feels 
bet you'll have done more than a lot of your classmates and they have nowhere near as much going on. Make sure your teachers know what you *have* done, as well as what you haven't! Sorry you've had such a rough few days, but you can do this. Really proud
bet you'll have done more than a lot of your classmates and they have nowhere near as much going on. Make sure your teachers know what you *have* done, as well as what you haven't! Sorry you've had such a rough few days, but you can do this. Really proud 09/04/2018
So first day back has been really draining.
Spent my art lesson doing nothing bc I was just so tired.
During my free, I went to hand in my essays to my tutors to mark and they were really pleased to receive them. I've told them that I'll try and get in another one for friday at the latest. Hopefully I'll receive some feedback from the ones I gave in at that point too.
I then had photography and again, I spent most of the lesson doing nothing bc I was still super tired.
Stayed behind after school bc I had an exec meeting in the late afternoon. Finally managed to complete some work during that time.. painted some pre-edits from my third photoshoot. I completed two edits and I'll scan them in and edit them further tomorrow.
Photography is basically my main focus now bc I have so much to do + I've got my 15 hour exam in 3 weeks, I previously thought it was earlier. And my sketchbook deadline is also in 3 weeks. This deadline is really important cause I can't get an extension or anything on it bc it's from the exam board and then after that exam my photography course is basically finished.
Anyway the meeting was alright, pretty tiring and went on for ages as usual.
Also discovered I have a detention tomorrow cause they gave me one just before the holidays and I didn't go and now I have another one which is super dumb.
I'm finally home, didn't get in too long ago. So exhausted. Going to try and resist the urge to nap + make some food then get to work.
Plans:
- Sort out contact sheets.
- Complete two edits.
- Start an essay for english.
So first day back has been really draining.
Spent my art lesson doing nothing bc I was just so tired.
During my free, I went to hand in my essays to my tutors to mark and they were really pleased to receive them. I've told them that I'll try and get in another one for friday at the latest. Hopefully I'll receive some feedback from the ones I gave in at that point too.
I then had photography and again, I spent most of the lesson doing nothing bc I was still super tired.
Stayed behind after school bc I had an exec meeting in the late afternoon. Finally managed to complete some work during that time.. painted some pre-edits from my third photoshoot. I completed two edits and I'll scan them in and edit them further tomorrow.
Photography is basically my main focus now bc I have so much to do + I've got my 15 hour exam in 3 weeks, I previously thought it was earlier. And my sketchbook deadline is also in 3 weeks. This deadline is really important cause I can't get an extension or anything on it bc it's from the exam board and then after that exam my photography course is basically finished.
Anyway the meeting was alright, pretty tiring and went on for ages as usual.
Also discovered I have a detention tomorrow cause they gave me one just before the holidays and I didn't go and now I have another one which is super dumb.
I'm finally home, didn't get in too long ago. So exhausted. Going to try and resist the urge to nap + make some food then get to work.
Plans:
- Sort out contact sheets.
- Complete two edits.
- Start an essay for english.
Update for 09/04/2018
22:49 - I got something to eat + couldn't stay awake so I had to take a nap. I've just woken up and I'm so so tired. Will try + get started soon.
23:58 - Ok I've only done 20 minutes of sketchbook work today. I couldn't do anything else, I'm literally so knackered. Until tomorrow.
In progress:
Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 16/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
22:49 - I got something to eat + couldn't stay awake so I had to take a nap. I've just woken up and I'm so so tired. Will try + get started soon.
23:58 - Ok I've only done 20 minutes of sketchbook work today. I couldn't do anything else, I'm literally so knackered. Until tomorrow.
In progress:
Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 16/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
10/04/2018
So I actually did work in my lesson today. Scanned in one of the photographs I had painted on yesterday and edited it further on photoshop. It took me the whole lesson cause I was experimenting with this new technique. Was fairly pleased with the outcome and so was my tutor when he saw it.
Short day overall. Decided not to go to my detention bc it's a waste of my time and why would I do that.
I'm now home, already had my lunch, think I'll take a nap then do work after. I'm so tired.
Plans:
- write evaluation for third photoshoot.
- write evaluation for fourth photoshoot.
- write annotations for first photoshoot.
- voice record some poems.
- start an essay for english.
So I actually did work in my lesson today. Scanned in one of the photographs I had painted on yesterday and edited it further on photoshop. It took me the whole lesson cause I was experimenting with this new technique. Was fairly pleased with the outcome and so was my tutor when he saw it.
Short day overall. Decided not to go to my detention bc it's a waste of my time and why would I do that.
I'm now home, already had my lunch, think I'll take a nap then do work after. I'm so tired.
Plans:
- write evaluation for third photoshoot.
- write evaluation for fourth photoshoot.
- write annotations for first photoshoot.
- voice record some poems.
- start an essay for english.
Update for 10/04/2018
17:23 - So I took a nap, didn't wake up too long ago, it was nice but now I just feel really sick. Like I really feel like I'm going to vomit.
18:37 - Ok just woke up from another nap + not feeling sick anymore. I've got the laptop now and I'm on my bed + about to start my work.
19:43 - So I've finished writing my evaluation for my third photoshoot. It's like 700 words. Going to take a quick break.
22:02 - Quick break turned into 2 hours but I've now written my evaluation for my fourth photoshoot.
23:02 - I've just recorded 3 poems.
00:01 - Think that's going to be all for today. I've got a bad headache and want to get into bed. I won't be going to college tomorrow bc I've got my thing and again, I can't make it to college and back in time etc. I am not looking forward to it tbh. I'm just so worried + I'm starting to feel really upset about it. I just don't want to see her face it stresses me out. I'll fill in that sheet in the morning bc I cba right now. I just feel so anxious about everything. She didn't really specify what part of it she wanted done tbh, it's absolutely stressing me out. I didn't really fill in any of the booklets. I just didn't do what I was meant to but how could I bc I currently have no ink and couldn't get round to printing them elsewhere + idk. Ok well I don't care. Anyway I thought my poetry folders were looking cute so you can have that. Can't wait until they're all done cause I think they'll look nice once all lined up + completed. Goodbye for now.
In progress: Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 19/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
17:23 - So I took a nap, didn't wake up too long ago, it was nice but now I just feel really sick. Like I really feel like I'm going to vomit.
18:37 - Ok just woke up from another nap + not feeling sick anymore. I've got the laptop now and I'm on my bed + about to start my work.
19:43 - So I've finished writing my evaluation for my third photoshoot. It's like 700 words. Going to take a quick break.
22:02 - Quick break turned into 2 hours but I've now written my evaluation for my fourth photoshoot.
23:02 - I've just recorded 3 poems.
00:01 - Think that's going to be all for today. I've got a bad headache and want to get into bed. I won't be going to college tomorrow bc I've got my thing and again, I can't make it to college and back in time etc. I am not looking forward to it tbh. I'm just so worried + I'm starting to feel really upset about it. I just don't want to see her face it stresses me out. I'll fill in that sheet in the morning bc I cba right now. I just feel so anxious about everything. She didn't really specify what part of it she wanted done tbh, it's absolutely stressing me out. I didn't really fill in any of the booklets. I just didn't do what I was meant to but how could I bc I currently have no ink and couldn't get round to printing them elsewhere + idk. Ok well I don't care. Anyway I thought my poetry folders were looking cute so you can have that. Can't wait until they're all done cause I think they'll look nice once all lined up + completed. Goodbye for now.
In progress: Revision essays written: 4. (three poetry, one king lear)
A2 poetry revision update: 13/28.
A2 poem recordings update: 19/28.
Completed:
Lear reading update: 127/127.
Tess reading update: 398/398.
Splendid suns reading update: 402/402.
11/04/2018
Ok so obviously I went into this session like: we're not going to let the last session affect this week's.
And walked in and we talked and it was fine and whatever.
and then obviously she asked about the booklets, and I explained I hadn't done them and she was like:
What do you want out of therapy??? do you want to get better ????? Bc you need to put more effort in.
Oh ! what ! a ! wild ! concept !
insanity !
get better ?? what, hahahahahahahhahahah ??? noooo I'm solely here for the comfy chair and excessively robotic conversation.
She just pisses me off, there was no need to be so horrible about it. Honestly I may just be really sensitive but I just can't do this. How is it actually ok to insinuate that you think I'm not trying. I just feel so terrible right now and I'm crying my eyes out and I just hate it, I hate it all so much.
So obviously I got annoyed but explained why I didn't and blah.
Then it was all fine and bearable until she decided to say the stupidest thing.
'You look very unsettled and restless'
Well we are talking about things which I find unsettling and therefore things that make me feel wholly unsettled but heck, absolutely 0 (zero) idea why I'm reacting in such a bizarre way.
She has ofc emailed me some more booklets which I need to complete on top of the last ones and I just don't know how I'm going to do it all in two weeks time.
I am so so so upset and I think I'll take a nap even though she's advised me against them. I've already changed into some pyjamas + I'm in bed + I feel so awful and alone + I literally can't cope with living through this hour sorry.
Ok so obviously I went into this session like: we're not going to let the last session affect this week's.
And walked in and we talked and it was fine and whatever.
and then obviously she asked about the booklets, and I explained I hadn't done them and she was like:
What do you want out of therapy??? do you want to get better ????? Bc you need to put more effort in.
Oh ! what ! a ! wild ! concept !
insanity !
get better ?? what, hahahahahahahhahahah ??? noooo I'm solely here for the comfy chair and excessively robotic conversation.
She just pisses me off, there was no need to be so horrible about it. Honestly I may just be really sensitive but I just can't do this. How is it actually ok to insinuate that you think I'm not trying. I just feel so terrible right now and I'm crying my eyes out and I just hate it, I hate it all so much.
So obviously I got annoyed but explained why I didn't and blah.
Then it was all fine and bearable until she decided to say the stupidest thing.
'You look very unsettled and restless'
Well we are talking about things which I find unsettling and therefore things that make me feel wholly unsettled but heck, absolutely 0 (zero) idea why I'm reacting in such a bizarre way.
She has ofc emailed me some more booklets which I need to complete on top of the last ones and I just don't know how I'm going to do it all in two weeks time.
I am so so so upset and I think I'll take a nap even though she's advised me against them. I've already changed into some pyjamas + I'm in bed + I feel so awful and alone + I literally can't cope with living through this hour sorry.
Tried to PM you but i can't 
but there's a time and a place for naps, and that is one of them. Different people click with different therapists too, this one just sounds crap though :/ but you can do this
but there's a time and a place for naps, and that is one of them. Different people click with different therapists too, this one just sounds crap though :/ but you can do this 
Original post by Anon_98
14/04/2018
Everything is disgusting and I need to do work today. It's 1am, I'll try when I wake up. Have a deadline ass on monday.
Plans:
- cw.
Everything is disgusting and I need to do work today. It's 1am, I'll try when I wake up. Have a deadline ass on monday.
Plans:
- cw.
The
Original post by tome123
The
CAN YOU
**** off
Original post by Anon_98
CAN YOU
**** off
**** off
Huh??????
What was that I thought i was being helpful
WTF i typed a massive paragragh and it mustve got rid of it except “The”
.........
.........
First weekend update (sat) - 14/04/2018
11:46 - Ok so last night I just needed to make a quick post so I could get back into the swing of things bc really, I'm so fed up + knew that if I didn't then I'd never be able to continue with this. Haven't posted in a few days and usually I do a little update on what's been going on but I really can't be bothered bc there's just too much to write + it's just long and dramatic. I was suffering and things at college are actually going terribly atm, a tutor made me cry for 90 mins, honestly I think that was the worst day of sixth form I ever had, so much happened and I wanted to drop out, did have a really really good time too on one of the days and i'm grateful for everyone, had a driving lesson at one point too, also met up with a few of my uni friends cause needed to see them before they go back, think that's everything. So basically the most important thing atm is the fact I have a deadline on monday. I'm still in bed and I need to get out of it.
22:26 - Ok so I've basically been in bed all day bar a kitchen break at like 5pm and so I'm just about to go and shower and take a bath. I'm going to be using another intergalactic bath bomb today. The deep blue is just so calming + again, I am disliking existence and this is the only way I feel I can express that.
22:34 - The colours were released in a much prettier fashion today + btw it smells of peppermint which is really great.
23:13 - So I've now showered and bathed and I'm clean and I'm on my bed in my towel and I'm shattered and I need to get dressed and it apparently took me all day to do this. I haven't been able to brush my teeth today. You win some you lose some.
23:24 - Alright well, think that's all from me. I'm honestly just finding it really hard to care about anything atm. I've apparently left myself 24hrs to do all my work for this deadline. It's a deadline for my previous sketchbook that I need to improve based on the feedback I was given. I would usually be super stressed but I'm just tired and I've been so tired all week and if I receive a crap grade cause of the fact I didn't leave myself enough time + was too down in the dumps to change things then I guess I receive a crap grade. I can't do this anymore. Goodnight.
11:46 - Ok so last night I just needed to make a quick post so I could get back into the swing of things bc really, I'm so fed up + knew that if I didn't then I'd never be able to continue with this. Haven't posted in a few days and usually I do a little update on what's been going on but I really can't be bothered bc there's just too much to write + it's just long and dramatic. I was suffering and things at college are actually going terribly atm, a tutor made me cry for 90 mins, honestly I think that was the worst day of sixth form I ever had, so much happened and I wanted to drop out, did have a really really good time too on one of the days and i'm grateful for everyone, had a driving lesson at one point too, also met up with a few of my uni friends cause needed to see them before they go back, think that's everything. So basically the most important thing atm is the fact I have a deadline on monday. I'm still in bed and I need to get out of it.
22:26 - Ok so I've basically been in bed all day bar a kitchen break at like 5pm and so I'm just about to go and shower and take a bath. I'm going to be using another intergalactic bath bomb today. The deep blue is just so calming + again, I am disliking existence and this is the only way I feel I can express that.
22:34 - The colours were released in a much prettier fashion today + btw it smells of peppermint which is really great.
23:13 - So I've now showered and bathed and I'm clean and I'm on my bed in my towel and I'm shattered and I need to get dressed and it apparently took me all day to do this. I haven't been able to brush my teeth today. You win some you lose some.
23:24 - Alright well, think that's all from me. I'm honestly just finding it really hard to care about anything atm. I've apparently left myself 24hrs to do all my work for this deadline. It's a deadline for my previous sketchbook that I need to improve based on the feedback I was given. I would usually be super stressed but I'm just tired and I've been so tired all week and if I receive a crap grade cause of the fact I didn't leave myself enough time + was too down in the dumps to change things then I guess I receive a crap grade. I can't do this anymore. Goodnight.
15/04/2018
One of the problems i have is giving up when it counts. It just reminds me of the time I slept through the entirety of some A2 exams even though I worked v hard revising for them. Similarly, what was the point in spending all that time doing cw if I'm not going to do this and secure the marks I deserve. Im like at the last hurdle with this particular sketchbook and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I can't be like this now, this is important, I have acknowledged it's important, there is literally no time to not take it seriously, but everything in me does not care. This is the most sure I've ever felt. I don't ****ing care and I ****ing don't care. There is currently nothing in me that can stimulate enough emotion to do this to the level I should, or even do this at all. There is currently nothing in me full stop.
I'll never forgive myself if I don't find the strength to do this. I know future me will never forgive me and yet I still sit here feeling utterly swamped with this overbearing sense of futility and disconnection which I hope finally leaves me tomorrow.
Physically I may have not thrown myself out a window, but mentally i have definitely thrown myself out a window.
There's a little scream within my body trying to fight it all but it's merely a singular spectator of a yell and my mind is a bigger plural prepotent force and I am losing.
One of the problems i have is giving up when it counts. It just reminds me of the time I slept through the entirety of some A2 exams even though I worked v hard revising for them. Similarly, what was the point in spending all that time doing cw if I'm not going to do this and secure the marks I deserve. Im like at the last hurdle with this particular sketchbook and I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I can't be like this now, this is important, I have acknowledged it's important, there is literally no time to not take it seriously, but everything in me does not care. This is the most sure I've ever felt. I don't ****ing care and I ****ing don't care. There is currently nothing in me that can stimulate enough emotion to do this to the level I should, or even do this at all. There is currently nothing in me full stop.
I'll never forgive myself if I don't find the strength to do this. I know future me will never forgive me and yet I still sit here feeling utterly swamped with this overbearing sense of futility and disconnection which I hope finally leaves me tomorrow.
Physically I may have not thrown myself out a window, but mentally i have definitely thrown myself out a window.
There's a little scream within my body trying to fight it all but it's merely a singular spectator of a yell and my mind is a bigger plural prepotent force and I am losing.
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