Is it normal for my mother to expect birthday and Christmas presents? Watch

jkls92
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I'm a 20 years old undergraduate. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.

EDIT for judgemental haters: I have always bought relatively expensive gifts for my mother, only recently I had a feeling it was wrong for her to expect it given she doesn't help me with uni costs at all. I know I am privileged and I appreciate I have been lucky to be born in my family (it could have gone much better, but I had a 99% chance of being poorer).
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gjd800
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This forum is the gift that keeps on giving.
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thatbadstudent
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everyone's supposed to buy their parents stuff.
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gjd800
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Be grateful that your Ma even has a 'couple of hundreds' to spend on you.
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uberteknik
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I'm sure your mother is looking at herself in the mirror each and every time she sees you.
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jkls92
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(Original post by gjd800)
Be grateful that your Ma even has a 'couple of hundreds' to spend on you.
I'm not grateful at all, a parent should help their children at university unless they can't, while she has always been idle and never even thought about it. Her side of the family is much better off than my father's, yet I got no trust fund from them and instead it was the latter's parents who set up a fund when I was born. I'm not making a huge scene about it and I have no resentment, but the least she could do is not expect me to spend my father's money on her.
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gjd800
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(Original post by usualsuspects)
I'm not grateful at all, a parent should help their children at university unless they can't, while she has always been idle and never even thought about it. Her side of the family is much better off than my father's, yet I got no trust fund from them and instead it was the latter's parents who set up a fund when I was born. I'm not making a huge scene about it and I have no resentment, but the least she could do is not expect me to spend my father's money on her.
Do you expect everything to be handed to you? You're a big boy. It seems from reading this thread that you know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
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Allah is Gangsta
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She spends £200 on your birthdays at your age. And you're not even grateful as well.:toofunny:

I think this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
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Lydia0116
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(Original post by usualsuspects)
I'm 20. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.
You know, if I had just read the last bit I would say, don't bother -I dislike ungrateful people, whether they are your mother or not.

HOWEVER, in what universe would it be considered wrong to expect a present from your grown-up child? If you were my child, the fact you are asking this question would devastate me, it would make me wonder where I went wrong.

Your mother gave you LIFE. This is not a small thing. The fact your alive to ask the question is thanks to her. Sure your dad put up some of the ingredients but she did all the heavy lifting when creating you, so that alone is enough to warrant a gift from her independent adult child - no matter how bothersome it may be for you.

Now, assuming you did not grow up in care, or with a relative. Your mother is the person who taught you how to dress yourself, how to wash yourself, feed yourself, take yourself to the toilet. She kept clothes on your back when you were too young to go out and earn money for your own. Shoes on your feet, food in your belly and a roof over your head. Do you have idea idea who much this costs over 18 years? in both time and money???

And your whimpering that she is not bending over backwards to express her pleasure at receiving a half arsed gift from an ungrateful son.

Give me a break.
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jkls92
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(Original post by Lydia0116)
You know, if I had just read the last bit I would say, don't bother -I dislike ungrateful people, whether they are your mother or not.

HOWEVER, in what universe would it be considered wrong to expect a present from your grown-up child? If you were my child, the fact you are asking this question would devastate me, it would make me wonder where I went wrong.

Your mother gave you LIFE. This is not a small thing. The fact your alive to ask the question is thanks to her. Sure your dad put up some of the ingredients but she did all the heavy lifting when creating you, so that alone is enough to warrant a gift from her independent adult child - no matter how bothersome it may be for you.

Now, assuming you did not grow up in care, or with a relative. Your mother is the person who taught you how to dress yourself, how to wash yourself, feed yourself, take yourself to the toilet. She kept clothes on your back when you were too young to go out and earn money for your own. Shoes on your feet, food in your belly and a roof over your head. Do you have idea idea who much this costs over 18 years? in both time and money???

And your whimpering that she is not bending over backwards to express her pleasure at receiving a half arsed gift from an ungrateful son.

Give me a break.
Thank you for your answer. Bold sounds exactly like the arguments my mother uses when I question her expectations of a gift.

Actually, I do believe I'm a grateful person. I am also not independent by any means, I'm not dependent on her specifically because of her own faults, so you can't consider that "independence" as a reason to buy her gifts.

You do not know the full extent of my relationship with my mother, or what she has said regarding the circumstances of my birth and existence. The roofs were provided for her by my grandparents. You should take this into consideration before judging me, but that wasn't the point of the thread, I was not asking to be judged. What I wanted to know was whether it was normal for parents, and you did answer.

My gifts are generally not cheap, not sure why you assumed otherwise. Anyway, it's the thought that matters.
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jkls92
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(Original post by Allah is Gangsta)
She spends £200 on your birthdays at your age. And you're not even grateful as well.:toofunny:

I think this is a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
200 is perfectly fine in absolute terms. What I wanted to evidence is that she basically doesn't contribute to my maintenance while at uni yet expects gifts. If she was paying me an allowance or spent thousands for my presents it would be financially alright to buy her gifts.
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gjd800
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(Original post by usualsuspects)
200 is perfectly fine in absolute terms. What I wanted to evidence is that she basically doesn't contribute to my maintenance while at uni yet expects gifts. If she was paying me an allowance or spent thousands for my presents it would be financially alright to buy her gifts.
Welcome to the real world, love.
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jkls92
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(Original post by gjd800)
Welcome to the real world, love.
The real world is a dreadful place that I am very unwilling to join.
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Allah is Gangsta
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(Original post by usualsuspects)
200 is perfectly fine in absolute terms. What I wanted to evidence is that she basically doesn't contribute to my maintenance while at uni yet expects gifts. If she was paying me an allowance or spent thousands for my presents it would be financially alright to buy her gifts.
You're just a spoilt little mummies boy!
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doodle_333
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If you're over the age of 18 your mum does not owe you financial support. To be getting gifts worth a 3 figure sum as an adult is more generous than average I would say. Most people start to get smaller gifts as they get older. Anyone who wouldn't WANT to get a parent a birthday present needs to take a good hard look at themselves in my opinion... unless she is outright abusive then you should care about her (for more than her ,money) and therefore want to do something nice for her.
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jkls92
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(Original post by doodle_333)
If you're over the age of 18 your mum does not owe you financial support. To be getting gifts worth a 3 figure sum as an adult is more generous than average I would say. Most people start to get smaller gifts as they get older. Anyone who wouldn't WANT to get a parent a birthday present needs to take a good hard look at themselves in my opinion... unless she is outright abusive then you should care about her (for more than her ,money) and therefore want to do something nice for her.
I don't owe her presents as much as she "doesn't owe me financial support".
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paivann
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(Original post by usualsuspects)
I'm 20. It feels wrong to me that she expects presents from her child, at this age, especially given that after I've turned 18 hers haven't been particularly special (usually worth a couple of hundreds) and this is basically all she contributes to my finances.

Furthermore, it's unpleasant to give her presents because she is ungrateful and usually unsatisfied with my gifts. This is why I'd rather avoid it.
...Is this for real? If it is...Yes...Very normal for parents to expect presents. Very disrespectful if you don't get them anything.

If you're not getting what you want as a gift then specify to her what you want. She's not a mind reader. Maybe ask what she would want and if there's anything she would like. Maybe listen more to what her likes and interests are when she's talking casually. Amount of money spent is not equal to the quality of the gift. Maybe spend more time with her, offer to cook her dinner or breakfast. Maybe offer to tidy the house. Take her out somewhere nice for her birthday. Small things like that help to make the day more special.

Also why should she have to contribute to your finances at uni? You can't expect to go through life living off of her. Finance better, or find a part time job. That's part of learning how to live life in uni. If you find yourself in a pickle and are absolutely desperate then you can start asking her for money. She'd respect that more, I imagine, rather than feeling like you're trying to sponge off of her all the time. The impression I get from you is that you're using her for her money, otherwise she's not worth your time. I wouldn't be surprised if that is the impression she's getting from you too, hence the lack of generosity on her side.
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jkls92
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(Original post by paivann)
...Is this for real? If it is...Yes...Very normal for parents to expect presents. Very disrespectful if you don't get them anything.

If you're not getting what you want as a gift then specify to her what you want. She's not a mind reader. Maybe ask what she would want and if there's anything she would like. Maybe listen more to what her likes and interests are when she's talking casually. Amount of money spent is not equal to the quality of the gift. Maybe spend more time with her, offer to cook her dinner or breakfast. Maybe offer to tidy the house. Take her out somewhere nice for her birthday. Small things like that help to make the day more special.

Also why should she have to contribute to your finances at uni? You can't expect to go through life living off of her. Finance better, or find a part time job. That's part of learning how to live life in uni. If you find yourself in a pickle and are absolutely desperate then you can start asking her for money. She'd respect that more, I imagine, rather than feeling like you're trying to sponge off of her all the time. The impression I get from you is that you're using her for her money, otherwise she's not worth your time. I wouldn't be surprised if that is the impression she's getting from you too, hence the lack of generosity on her side.
She usually gives cash or buys me something I like, that's not a problem.

Can't cook. Cleaning is a bit absurd at my age. Taking her out is a good idea, but potentially disastrous because being coeliac, hypochondriacal and chronically unsatisfied she'd probably claim she was poisoned by "gluten contamination" and reproach me for making her sick as a birthday present.

Family values? Her parents did it for her, I'll do it for my children. She has lived off her parents her entire life, I'm more responsible and plan to work. I don't need money. Why are people assuming things? I'm perfectly financed by my other grandparents' fund and don't need a job while I'm at university. She has no feel I "sponge off" of her (obviously, as she gives me nothing as I said), quite the contrary.
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jkls92
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My thought as well.
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hannahh.08
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I’ve just turned 15 and got approx £55 worth of things off my mum, and am very grateful for that. I have to pay for everything of mine and am not given any allowance or pocket money and have always given her a birthday present. You should also very grateful for £200, and unless your mother has not been a good parent, I think you should get her a gift- even if it is just a £2.50 candle! However, I would also be annoyed if my mum wasn’t grateful for her gifts
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