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Girlfriend's mum is a very bitter and jealous person

Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship together for 3 years now and have lived together for 1. I am very close with my parents but she isn't close with hers, she is one of 5 kids and when her parents got divorced when she was 18 her mum and dad only acted like the two youngest were their kids and not my girlfriend and her two other siblings. It would be a case of her parents would only want to spend time with the two youngest and at birthdays and Christmas they would only send my girlfriend and the two other siblings a text and that's it.

Anyway I bought my first house in July 2022 and because I have a good job and saved up a lot of money I was able to buy all nice things for the house and decorate it exactly how I wanted. And then when my girlfriend moved in with me I still pay the mortgage on my own as it is in my name and my girlfriend is now better off money wise living with me than when she was living on her own renting a flat.

Since my girlfriend has moved in with me she has tried to improve her relationship with her mum but she says all she does when she isn't working is sit in the house complaining about how her three eldest kids don't visit her or talk to her that much even though she makes zero effort to see her own kids. She was also extremely annoyed that my girlfriend spent Christmas Day with me and my family, but my girlfriend told her mum that she wanted to do that as my family treat her like one of their own.

Now the New Year has arrived my girlfriend invited her mum and partner round for a cup of tea and a chat. And the whole time they were here her mum just scrutinised my house. She complained about the sofa, said she didn't like the colour scheme I had gone for. She was looking at the TV unit I had and said "did you actually buy that or did your parents buy it for you?" I also have a few photo frames on display, the majority contain pictures of me and my girlfriend but one contains a picture of my dog who actually lives with my parents as they bought him when I still lived at home but he stays with me a few nights a week. When she saw the photo she said "what's that?" so I told her and her response was "I don't like dogs."

The final straw though was when her mum went to light a cigarette in my living room, I dont smoke and I hate the smell of it. So I said to her "if you're going to smoke can you do it outside please as I don't like the smell" and she replied saying "of course I wouldn't want to ruin your PERFECT house" but then lit it anyway before going outside.

They left not long after this and my girlfriend was fuming with her mum and very apologetic to me and said she is going to have words with her. I really don't want to get too involved but apart from telling my girlfriend her mum isn't welcome in my house any more I am not sure what I can do.

Sorry for the long post.
Reply 1
Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Her mother is extremely unlikely to change and you will only upset yourself and your girlfriend if you dwell on it. It is very sad for your girlfriend - she is lucky to have a "second family" with your relatives, but this will only highlight the shortcomings of her own parents.

All you can really do is be supportive of your girlfriend and try not to criticise her mother, hard though that will be. She can't change her family, but they are her family and she will want to maintain a relationship with them.

When you do meet them, just stick to bland small talk. You don't have to bond with her mother, just ignore the petty, jealous comments - they reflect badly on her, not on you. If you can, don't actually ban her mother from your house, you're only fuelling the flames, just insist on no smoking. Your girlfriend is unlikely to want to to invite her round any time soon, and there is a lot to be said for keeping the moral high ground.

Hope things work out for you

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