DrawTheLine writes a blog Watch
I've been seeing blogs pop up here and there and I've been lurking around reading a few bits every now and then. A few weeks ago I started wondering if I could give it a go, maybe it'll be good for me.
I can't promise how interesting my life is or my thoughts , but it will be nice to look back on this when I'm older and see how far I've come.
I'm not going to commit to a certain number of posts a week because that could get stressy, but I'll try to keep it regular.
Let's see how long I can keep this going!
*Proceeds to totally forget this exists for 7 months like I've done with all other diaries*
I decided I also wanted to include the food I'm eating in these posts as well. I'm skinny fat, and all of my fat is in my stomach and also I have more of a double chin than I should. This means when I wear tight clothes I look about 4 months pregnant . So by tracking my food here (I'm not weighing it or anything) hopefully I can look back on it and see where I can change things .
Today's been a mixed day. Started off good and then went a tad downhill . I woke up just after 7am, video chatted with my boyfriend for about 4 hours. We do our own thing when we're calling, so I had some cereal, scrolled through posts here and did a bit of revision. I can't say it was probably the most effective revision. I hit a bit of a block where I stared at the ceiling for several minutes because that was better than revising. Low point!
I went food shopping. I saw a cat lose one of his 9 lives by crossing the road when a car came past. "I know, it's a good time to cross the road when there's a huge metal chunk coming towards me at speed". I love cats, they're weird . Anyway, normally I meal plan but this week I decided f*ck it, be spontaneous . So I went with a small list because I needed to get some toiletries and spices (chili powder and paprika are the 2 best things out there), but other than that I just chose what I wanted to try. I got a lot of veggies - specifically greens like sugar snap peas, spinach and runner beans. I can easily throw a side of spinach on a dish or add the beans to a risotto. I may have also got some M&Ms for a bit of revision motivation. I'm planning on breaking them up into small piles and then whenever I finish a certain amount of work I can eat a pile. Hope it works!
I felt lightheaded pretty much as soon as I got to the supermarket . I realised it had been about 2 hours since I ate my cereal, so I should have eaten before I left but I didn't think of it. I have to say it was my most anxious supermarket visit. When I get lightheaded in that way, I don't mean my head feels light. I should be saying light-bodied. It's almost like my limbs are slightly out of my control and there's too much air inside me. My hands start shaking ever so slightly and when I walk I can't be certain if my knee will buckle. Because of that and I had heavy bags, I got an Uber home. I'm pretty sure I would have fainted if I walked the 20 minutes back to my room . It's frightening when I feel like that, even more so because I was alone. When I'm with my mum or a friend it's so much easier to deal with. I can faint so suddenly and have almost no warning, or the warning is only 1-2 seconds before I faint. Another thing why it was unexpected to feel like this, because I had a good-sized bowl of cereal not long before. I've gone longer than 2 hours without eating before, so that was really weird.
When I got home I put my food away and immediately made lunch. I straight away felt better after eating, so I know for sure my light-bodiedness was caused by my blood pressure being low (and maybe blood sugar). Another reminder I always need a bit of food with me. However food would not have solved that issue alone, I would have needed a place to sit down or lie down. Curling up in a ball on the floor with my head on my knees is the best way to prevent me from fainting.
My boyfriend finally decided to go to sleep when I got back around 1pm (he's 7 hours behind us). I was texting him whilst I was out and he didn't want to sleep before I got home to make sure I was okay . Last time I saw him I almost fainted in the shower. Literally just standing in the shower made me go properly light-headed with the black spots in your eyes and everything. He had to get me a cereal bar before I could get up from the floor (yeah, ended up sat on the bathroom floor dripping wet from the shower in a ball, not attractive). It's scary.
Anyway, I don't want my posts to be depressing like talking about health problems so much. Hmm... what happened next. There was an amazing suggestion made to me regarding motivation from bluemuffin who suggested that I study for 10 minutes and then stop. The idea is eventually I'll build up that time. Before that I kept thinking "I have so much stuff to do and it'll take ages". This method was actually great! I did it for about 1.5 hours and got a good amount done. 10 minutes on, 5 minutes off. Tomorrow I'll up it to 15 minutes and keep going from there. I feel productive.
I'm disappointed that I'm missing out on all the heat today. But after that spell, I don't really want to risk going out for a long walk . It's never happened twice in one day, but it's always possible. But I've had my window open and the lovely view of bright blue skies.
Made some dinner too, and another 2 portions for the next couple of days. Saves me cooking, lazy bones. My flatmates have returned from Easter and I am missing being alone so much. The kitchen was left messy with bread crumbs everywhere and dirty water left in the washing up bowl . I started an unintentional argument a few weeks ago with them when I messaged the group chat after they had all gone home saying "thanks for leaving me with your mess to clean up" not in those words but basically yeah they left their sh*t all over. They thought I was being rude for asking them to tidy up after themselves. Logic I will not understand . So I am biting my tongue with the mess now as I cba to tell them again. I had 3 weeks of it being clean and tidy, and I can deal with it until the end of May.
I got a bit stressed not too long ago thinking about work and overtime. They're trying to force me to do overtime when I have exams. I physically hate telling someone no. Any kind of confrontation and I cry. I genuinely cannot help it, my eyes just water and my voice cracks. I really have to work on that, I'm so weak! I feel like it will make them less likely to listen to me because I'm crying but I can't control it! I try but sooner or later the floodgates will open. I won't even be upset about telling them no or anything, but it's just because I'm confronting them that's making me cry. Did you guys watch Friends and that episode where Rachel had to confront her boss about something and she said something like "I'm not crying because of you I'm crying because we're having this conversation"? That's basically how I am to give you an example. Totally out of my control and I feel like a weak f*cker for it.
I rang my mum earlier, spoke about the cat and food and revision. We also chatted about my work issue too. The neighbours have a cat and he thinks our house is his. Apparently when we were on the phone he walked in to the living room (my mum had the patio door open a crack but I guess big enough so he could get through) and started looking through my cat's toy box. We have a little wicker box we keep all her toys - little mice, balls, string etc. My mum found it hilarious . We have a cat flap for my cat but I guess he wants to be in the house too. Another reason I love cats they're like "if I like it I own it".
As for the rest of the evening... I have a few more bits of revision to do. I'll call my boyfriend and wake him up. Then I'll probably stop working at 9pm, watch some Suits , scroll some more on here and have some digestives with a cuppa. My dad may or may not phone me (he's been doing that lately). Okay, does anyone else have parents who do this? I will send my dad a text and he will reply by ringing me ! Ffs the older generation and smart phones I kid you not almost every single time he will ring or tell me to ring him. I carefully think about if I really need to text him a piece of info now. I tend to text when he's at work, hehe . That way if he does ring it will only be for 5 minutes not 50 (our record atm).
Breakfast: bowl of fruit and fibre cereal with milk and a cup of tea.
Lunch: 2 sunny side up eggs on wholemeal toast with butter. I also had about half a dozen strawberries (absolutely gorgeous they were, lovely and sweet. It's been a struggle to avoid eating all of them)
Dinner: tuna pasta bake with a sprinkling of cheese on top
Snacks: so far at 7pm no snacks today, feeling proud of that. That'll probably change soon though when I dunk some biccies in my tea. Edit: had my tea, no biscuits. Feeling happy with 0 snacks today!
I really struggle to drink water, like I know it's a big problem . But I only drink when I feel thirsty. People tell me to just consciously keep drinking, but I say that's like eat when you aren't hungry. Everyone says they should only eat when they feel the need. I only drink water when I feel like I need water, which isn't very often. I can't just think about having a drink if my body isn't telling me I need water. Just like how I don't think about food until I'm hungry. So yeah, it's a struggle. I can honestly say I doubt I even drink a litre a day . And I'm supposed to have 2.5-3. I'm surprised I'm still alive tbh.
Aaand I think that's everything I can think of to say right now. If I think of anything else or if anything else happens this evening that I want to add I'll edit and pop it in .
Really detailed 💕 enjoyed reading it ☀️ Same I love cats too 😍 Have you seen a doctor regarding your fainting 😲 I’m the same when it comes to confrontations 😳 I always end up sounding like I’m gonna burst into tears 😕🌺
Luckily it happens much less now but I'm always noticing any small sign that I could faint.
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I can happily say today was a much better day than yesterday! It started off very similar. My boyfriend called me to wake me up and we were on the phone for about 2 hours. I had to go to uni today to scan my attendance for a lecture at 10. I didn't attend as I have no exams for that module, all the assignments are completed so I felt my time could be better spent revising for the modules I do have exams in, which are starting frighteningly soon.
Afterwards I decided to go to work to check the rota for the week after next. As I mentioned before, I was nervous about having to be confrontational about overtime. Thank f*ck it's all okay! I checked the rota for next week and they've changed my hours so I'm only doing 8. I'm so relieved at that. And the week after next I'm only doing 4.5 hours which is even better! It's made me so happy that I didn't have to do anything else to get it sorted.
Next year I'm living in a house with 3 girls, 2 of whom are on my course so I know them. The third is a friend of one of the girls I already know, and I've only met her twice and only exchanged like 2 sentences. One of the girls I know suggested today when I was coming back from work that we meet up today because the weather is so nice so we can get to know this third girl better. I thought about it like ehhh being social around people . But I decided to say yes, but a few hours later so I could do some revision. I feel proud of myself for having priorities, and they were the correct ones to have. In the end though the other girl I know is actually in her home town this week and not back until next so I didn't end up meeting them. But we've said we want to do something next week. The weather will probably be sh*te as per uszh. Meh, take an umbrella and it'll be grand.
I'm really proud of myself for the amount I've work done today, especially in comparison with other days. Thanks to a little motivation from 999tigger I completed revision for 3 topics on cognitive psychology. It doesn't sound much in one day, but memory and perception are absolutely huge! There's so much stuff. I really don't care about the structure of the eye but apparently I need to know it to understand how perception works. It's times like those I feel I'm on a biology degree instead. Yech. I absolutely loathe the biological side of psychology. I don't really care about how our bodies influence our behaviour, I'm interested in how our mind influences it. If I could take out the brain stuff and eye stuff then I would be totally happy with my course. It's just something I'll have to push through and grin and bear it. In second year though we do an entire module on neuropsychology so I'm already dreading those lectures. But I shall try to be more positive and look on the bright side. It could be worse, I could actually be doing a biology degree. No offence to those who do, hehe.
I decided to try again with my little reward system of chocolate. I previously said I bought a bag of M&Ms. I took some out and I've split them into little piles of 3. Whenever I finish a topic, I get a pile. Today that means I've had 3 piles , and I'm hoping to squeeze one or two more topics out of me in the rest of the day. Even if I get just one more done that's 3 more M&Ms and chocolate makes me very happy. I haven't mentioned it on my blog yet but I have done elsewhere on the site that in 2015 I gave up chocolate for the year. I was just curious about how I would feel without chocolate - energy levels, tiredness, general wellbeing. It did f*ck all. No difference at all. When the clock turned to midnight on January 1st 2016 I ate chocolate. The first thing I did that year was eat chocolate, ha. Now I've been back on it for 2 and a bit years, I'm wondering if I need to do that again. Chocolate is a massive part of my life and diet, and I'm slightly ashamed to say it does take up too much of my diet. They say it's addictive, right? Since moving to uni, I now have 3 local Hotel Chocolat stores plus a Lindt store. How am I supposed to resist those?! Honestly, it's really hard. A few months ago though I was buying stuff from them every 2-3 weeks and it would be gone within a few days. I have greatly reduced that now and I've not actually bought anything from either of those stores in about 6 weeks. Go me!
What happened next.... oh, I made food. I decided to make a spag bol, but throw in some of those veggies I bought yesterday. I added carrots, spinach and sugar snap peas. Note to self: sugar snap peas are not a good thing to put in a spag bol. They just don't go. I definitely won't be doing that again. Carrots and spinach were fine though. I often add carrots. With my spag bols I always experiment with flavours. Things I always add though are chili powder, paprika (best things ever ), soy sauce and Worcester sauce. It has so much flavour and it's always slightly different each time. Spag bol is the first meal I learned to make in year 7 food tech. My first one was disgraceful, but let's not go there. I was 11, it's a forgivable offence. (Nah, not as bad as that but it wasn't as good as I think mine is now).
I'm shocked tbh that I've gotten to 7pm without drinking tea today . I think it's the heat probably too. Tea warms me up and I cannot stand being uncomfortably warm. You know when you sit down and if you're in a dress your thighs kinda suction together? I'm not wearing a dress today, but that's an example of how hot I do not like being. I'd rather not be sweating when I'm indoors, thank you very much. I'll probably have a cuppa later when I watch Suits again. I'm also very sad that I learned a spoiler from the season 7 finale. Some article popped up about "Meghan Markle practices walking down the aisle at her wedding in Suits". That made me twitchy as I've only just started season 4! But I shall survive.
Rest of the day will be trying to get a bit more work done and I'll wake my boyfriend up again. I don't have anywhere I particularly have to go tomorrow, except get some cereal as I'm almost out. Other than that I shall try to go to bed a bit earlier tonight so I can wake up earlier and be productive from the start of my day. Friday funday revising. Woop. I've also had a headache for most of the afternoon , but it's kind of a dull one that sometimes gets more intense every now and then. I got glasses almost 2 months ago for when I use my laptop / phone, and I've been wearing them today. I only got them because of my headaches. Apparently my eyes are focusing too hard on things up close causing my headaches, so this headache today is very unpleasant.
My dad didn't phone me last night which was a surprise. That makes it more likely he will ring tonight instead. I don't mind our chats but he's a waffler. Most of our conversations is him talking and me going "yeah, uh huh, yup.". Sometimes I do zone out and have no idea what I've just said yes to.
Breakfast: bowl of fruit and fibre cereal with milk but just water this time to drink.
Lunch: leftover pasta bake from last night with a heap of spinach next to it
Dinner: spag bol with interesting vegetables. Very nice though
Snacks: okay, so between breakfast and lunch my stomach was not letting me forget its presence, so I ate the rest of the strawberries. I don't feel guilty though for having a snack because strawberries are good for you , they're in the fresh food section. Oh, I also had 9 M&Ms.
I'll edit again if anything exciting or interesting happens before bed. .