Should/Could I change University due to my anxiety?
Little backstory: I currently study Mechanical Engineering, I am the only female on the course. Whether I talk to a lecturer or course 'mate', my gender is the topic of conversation. During my first few weeks in 2016, the minute I mentioned my boyfriend to a male on my course they would lose interest in the conversation. Even during group work, I have been ignored, I am constantly being 'mansplained' to and I am constantly battling to prove I have some intelligence. The lecturers do not make my life easier. I got marked down on a poster for using 'feminine colours' (light blue and purple). Some make jokes like, "I would swear but there is a lady in the room." Which causes everyone to look at me and me to go beetroot red. I got added into a group chat early on by a female civil engineer who has since left the Uni, I rarely looked at it but it was often at the top of my inbox because they were/are quite active.
Anyway, nothing has been too awful, those things have been frustrating but not deterring. However a few months ago, one lecturer asked a question to the class. No one answered but he caught my eye contact and pointed me out. I didn't answer correctly which is crippling for me. It is difficult to explain how embarrassed I was because it is just me proving what everyone thinks. So feeling humiliated I sank into my seat with my red face and pulled out my phone to try look busy. I looked through my emails, sent a text to my sister and then clicked onto Messenger. The group chat was at the top again and I clicked on it. There was a picture of me! So this is pretty common, that members of the course, take pictures of students who have fallen asleep, students who look bored or have funny shirts or whatever. So people were saying that my face was like a tomato, which made me more embarrassed but it was okay, I just felt like another student, I knew it would be over.
Then one student (all have nicknames so I don't know who is who) pointed out I was the only female in the class and that I 'wouldn't be able to put up a fight' if they 'worked as a team'. I was taken aback, and my heart started racing but I sat there and I waited for someone to say something. But all that happened was that they started to continue to describe all the force they would use against me. Some even calling dibs to my body parts or which order they would assault. I sat there and at some point, felt like I had lost the ability to breathe. I left the group, the lecture theatre and I ran home. I have since been completely unable to go to campus. I have nightmares, I freak myself out about most young men. I have been getting help from my tutor and counsellor and doctor and despite my severe anxiety I do feel hopeful.
HOWEVER, I have missed a lot of Uni, I have been offered the chance to re-take the year as a part time student (but I can't afford it- even with a job) or the chance to retake these modules in August (which is obviously hard because it is all self-studied). This all requires to go back to campus. Now I am a pretty logical person, so logically I obviously need to go. But logically I am putting myself in danger. And illogically when I try to force myself to go, I physically, cannot move. I can't get out of the door. I cry, I lose it, I start to think of all the scenarios there are that could happen. I am concerned I will agree to this and then not be able to go out the door. A new start seems an incredibly good option, my current Uni is 5 hours from my family, so I could choose to go a little closer. But would anyone accept me? Am I leaving my course in a bad state for the next girl? I don't want to be weak, but I don't know if I can convince myself to go back. What should I do? Who should I talk to?
Anyway, nothing has been too awful, those things have been frustrating but not deterring. However a few months ago, one lecturer asked a question to the class. No one answered but he caught my eye contact and pointed me out. I didn't answer correctly which is crippling for me. It is difficult to explain how embarrassed I was because it is just me proving what everyone thinks. So feeling humiliated I sank into my seat with my red face and pulled out my phone to try look busy. I looked through my emails, sent a text to my sister and then clicked onto Messenger. The group chat was at the top again and I clicked on it. There was a picture of me! So this is pretty common, that members of the course, take pictures of students who have fallen asleep, students who look bored or have funny shirts or whatever. So people were saying that my face was like a tomato, which made me more embarrassed but it was okay, I just felt like another student, I knew it would be over.
Then one student (all have nicknames so I don't know who is who) pointed out I was the only female in the class and that I 'wouldn't be able to put up a fight' if they 'worked as a team'. I was taken aback, and my heart started racing but I sat there and I waited for someone to say something. But all that happened was that they started to continue to describe all the force they would use against me. Some even calling dibs to my body parts or which order they would assault. I sat there and at some point, felt like I had lost the ability to breathe. I left the group, the lecture theatre and I ran home. I have since been completely unable to go to campus. I have nightmares, I freak myself out about most young men. I have been getting help from my tutor and counsellor and doctor and despite my severe anxiety I do feel hopeful.
HOWEVER, I have missed a lot of Uni, I have been offered the chance to re-take the year as a part time student (but I can't afford it- even with a job) or the chance to retake these modules in August (which is obviously hard because it is all self-studied). This all requires to go back to campus. Now I am a pretty logical person, so logically I obviously need to go. But logically I am putting myself in danger. And illogically when I try to force myself to go, I physically, cannot move. I can't get out of the door. I cry, I lose it, I start to think of all the scenarios there are that could happen. I am concerned I will agree to this and then not be able to go out the door. A new start seems an incredibly good option, my current Uni is 5 hours from my family, so I could choose to go a little closer. But would anyone accept me? Am I leaving my course in a bad state for the next girl? I don't want to be weak, but I don't know if I can convince myself to go back. What should I do? Who should I talk to?
Well first of all, Engineering is a male dominated profession, so you're going to be in an environment that's governed by the stereotypical male personality. I understand it's quite difficult for you, but you need to understand that in order to survive in that environment you need to adopt male traits. At the end of the day, if you want to work in a male dominated profession then you're going to have to learn to deal with that environment.
The banter should be shrugged or laughed off; or if the opportunity arises, give it back with a lick of wit. You're in an environment were everyone is trying to establish their alpha male dominance, and the only way to be a contender is to join in.
As for this "mansplaining" thing or the ability to not answer a question, then I can only say that you don't understand the concept of education. You're there to learn. If you're expected to already know then what's the point in going to university? Also, mansplaining is a ******** feminist term that really boils down to insecurity. You're pursuing a male dominated professional and you expect women to come along and explain stuff to you? Let me give you some advice: take a more humble approach to your education and things will flow a lot better. The men on your course are probably idiots that don't know many things either, but if you work hard and ace them it'll help you to establish that alpha male throne. Then you'll soon find those losers groveling at your feet for help when they can't do stuff.
As for the "ganging up" remarks, shame on them. You have to always remember they can't do anything of the kind because not only would they get expelled from the university but also arrested. If you really feel uncomfortable then talk to the head of the course and explain your circumstances.
Life is difficult, but running doesn't help. You have to show them you're not a pushover.
The banter should be shrugged or laughed off; or if the opportunity arises, give it back with a lick of wit. You're in an environment were everyone is trying to establish their alpha male dominance, and the only way to be a contender is to join in.
As for this "mansplaining" thing or the ability to not answer a question, then I can only say that you don't understand the concept of education. You're there to learn. If you're expected to already know then what's the point in going to university? Also, mansplaining is a ******** feminist term that really boils down to insecurity. You're pursuing a male dominated professional and you expect women to come along and explain stuff to you? Let me give you some advice: take a more humble approach to your education and things will flow a lot better. The men on your course are probably idiots that don't know many things either, but if you work hard and ace them it'll help you to establish that alpha male throne. Then you'll soon find those losers groveling at your feet for help when they can't do stuff.
As for the "ganging up" remarks, shame on them. You have to always remember they can't do anything of the kind because not only would they get expelled from the university but also arrested. If you really feel uncomfortable then talk to the head of the course and explain your circumstances.
Life is difficult, but running doesn't help. You have to show them you're not a pushover.
Original post by Myrmidon
Well first of all, Engineering is a male dominated profession, so you're going to be in an environment that's governed by the stereotypical male personality. I understand it's quite difficult for you, but you need to understand that in order to survive in that environment you need to adopt male traits. At the end of the day, if you want to work in a male dominated profession then you're going to have to learn to deal with that environment.
The banter should be shrugged or laughed off; or if the opportunity arises, give it back with a lick of wit. You're in an environment were everyone is trying to establish their alpha male dominance, and the only way to be a contender is to join in.
As for this "mansplaining" thing or the ability to not answer a question, then I can only say that you don't understand the concept of education. You're there to learn. If you're expected to already know then what's the point in going to university? Also, mansplaining is a ******** feminist term that really boils down to insecurity. You're pursuing a male dominated professional and you expect women to come along and explain stuff to you? Let me give you some advice: take a more humble approach to your education and things will flow a lot better. The men on your course are probably idiots that don't know many things either, but if you work hard and ace them it'll help you to establish that alpha male throne. Then you'll soon find those losers groveling at your feet for help when they can't do stuff.
As for the "ganging up" remarks, shame on them. You have to always remember they can't do anything of the kind because not only would they get expelled from the university but also arrested. If you really feel uncomfortable then talk to the head of the course and explain your circumstances.
Life is difficult, but running doesn't help. You have to show them you're not a pushover.
The banter should be shrugged or laughed off; or if the opportunity arises, give it back with a lick of wit. You're in an environment were everyone is trying to establish their alpha male dominance, and the only way to be a contender is to join in.
As for this "mansplaining" thing or the ability to not answer a question, then I can only say that you don't understand the concept of education. You're there to learn. If you're expected to already know then what's the point in going to university? Also, mansplaining is a ******** feminist term that really boils down to insecurity. You're pursuing a male dominated professional and you expect women to come along and explain stuff to you? Let me give you some advice: take a more humble approach to your education and things will flow a lot better. The men on your course are probably idiots that don't know many things either, but if you work hard and ace them it'll help you to establish that alpha male throne. Then you'll soon find those losers groveling at your feet for help when they can't do stuff.
As for the "ganging up" remarks, shame on them. You have to always remember they can't do anything of the kind because not only would they get expelled from the university but also arrested. If you really feel uncomfortable then talk to the head of the course and explain your circumstances.
Life is difficult, but running doesn't help. You have to show them you're not a pushover.
If I am honest with you, I am a feminist. I think we should be equal and although mansplaining is overtly feminist it doesn't mean I expect women to explain things to me. I just mean, they often explain things I know to me in a condescending way (i.e. during an argument over an answer on some group work, I was explained some (true) but irrelevant information to the point I was trying to make. Instead of them listening to me, they took it to mean I didn't understand them and he called over a lecturer to try prove his point. This lecturer said almost to the word, the sentences I said and he didn't argue then). It is more about me not being heard. The banter usually is shrugged off but it happens a lot so it is still hard.
By saying they wouldn't assault because it is illegal, does not mean they won't do it. That is having way too much faith in people. You would hardly decide to leave your keys in the car with the doors unlocked because 'no-one would steal it because they would be arrested'. It makes is unlikely, but you cannot 100% guarantee they won't. It is that 0.0000000000000001% chance it could that is stuck to me. It was extremely graphic and I just can't get over it. My tutor is the head of my course and he is very understanding, he meets me off campus to help me. I would love to just walk into the lecture hall and never think about it again but realistically that is just not going to happen.
Original post by SteveForfar
report the chat to the uni, very concerning indeed and I’m sorry you went through that. With the current climate around stuff like this i.e what’s currently happening at Warwick I’m sure your uni will take it extremely seriously
I have, I am being helped individually and an email was sent out to everyone on the course to say it was unacceptable to threaten and abuse students on social media. That's it so far but it is the end of the year so it is understandable.
I can’t believe it, you cannot just shrug that **** off as ‘banter’ (I dont mean you personally, more talking about the uni). Anyway, if you feel genuinely threatened and anxious you should probably move, not only will it affect your mental health but also your academic performance. Good luck!
(edited 5 years ago)
Original post by SteveForfar
I can’t believe it, you cannot just shrug that **** off as ‘banter’ (I dont mean you personally, more talking about the uni). Anyway, if you feel genuinely threatened and anxious you should probably move, not only will it affect your mental health but also your academic performance. Good luck!
Thank you for the advice and the luck, I am grateful to know I'm not being totally irrational.
Original post by Student789632
Thank you for the advice and the luck, I am grateful to know I'm not being totally irrational.
definitely not being irrational. I know its not much but if you need someone to talk to you can PM me any time
Being condescending is a very human attitude. You'll encounter condescending people through your entire life, both men and women. Yes, they are complete tools, but they tend to shoot themselves in the foot sooner or later. Forget about answering questions in class or explaining anything, focus on your grades as they will expose the truth once the dust settles.
The chances they will assault you are extremely low, and if they do you can make an example of them. They will only ruin their own lives and no one will bother you again. Also, you can't go through life withdrawing from every situation on the small chance something could happen. I could win the lottery this week, but the odds tell me otherwise, so life goes on.
It's good that your tutor is understanding. Make sure to inform him of your situation and he will crack a few skulls for you.
The chances they will assault you are extremely low, and if they do you can make an example of them. They will only ruin their own lives and no one will bother you again. Also, you can't go through life withdrawing from every situation on the small chance something could happen. I could win the lottery this week, but the odds tell me otherwise, so life goes on.
It's good that your tutor is understanding. Make sure to inform him of your situation and he will crack a few skulls for you.
Original post by Myrmidon
Being condescending is a very human attitude. You'll encounter condescending people through your entire life, both men and women. Yes, they are complete tools, but they tend to shoot themselves in the foot sooner or later. Forget about answering questions in class or explaining anything, focus on your grades as they will expose the truth once the dust settles.
The chances they will assault you are extremely low, and if they do you can make an example of them. They will only ruin their own lives and no one will bother you again. Also, you can't go through life withdrawing from every situation on the small chance something could happen. I could win the lottery this week, but the odds tell me otherwise, so life goes on.
It's good that your tutor is understanding. Make sure to inform him of your situation and he will crack a few skulls for you.
The chances they will assault you are extremely low, and if they do you can make an example of them. They will only ruin their own lives and no one will bother you again. Also, you can't go through life withdrawing from every situation on the small chance something could happen. I could win the lottery this week, but the odds tell me otherwise, so life goes on.
It's good that your tutor is understanding. Make sure to inform him of your situation and he will crack a few skulls for you.
They would be ruining my life, I don't care about them. I know I can't continue the way I am but that it kind of what anxiety is. I know it is a temporary illness but I'm more concerned that I will continue struggling with it into my next year and ruin my grades. I want to speed up my recovery to normality and running away might just do that. And as I replied above, my tutor sent out an email but nothing else. Also, sorry to act as though I am arguing, I'm not sure I want to change Universities I just think it is an option with merit.
Original post by Student789632
They would be ruining my life, I don't care about them. I know I can't continue the way I am but that it kind of what anxiety is. I know it is a temporary illness but I'm more concerned that I will continue struggling with it into my next year and ruin my grades. I want to speed up my recovery to normality and running away might just do that. And as I replied above, my tutor sent out an email but nothing else. Also, sorry to act as though I am arguing, I'm not sure I want to change Universities I just think it is an option with merit.
Well you should do what makes you happy and don't worry about what other people think about your decisions, but you have to understand that pursuing a male dominated profession is bound to come with some hardships. When I was at college I studied English Literature. The whole class was female besides me and the tutor which got awkward at times (especially since I did my book presentation on Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth
).As for anxiety, I suffered with Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder for four years. Let me tell you something very important about how anxiety works: running away never helps. In fact, it makes anxiety worse because your mind starts to fabricate a complex "what if" scenario around any given situation. This acts like a prison for your mind.
Read this: https://www.therapytoday.com/dont-be-fooled-by-the-anxiety-trick/
Anyway, good luck in whatever you do. I didn't mean to come across as blunt or harsh, but life isn't like this liberal utopia that the media likes to portray it as these days. It's tough and you need to develop resilience to get by. I personally detest the kind of men that seem to be on your course, and if I was there I'd tell them to cut it out. Good ol' fashioned gallantry, eh.
Original post by Myrmidon
Well you should do what makes you happy and don't worry about what other people think about your decisions, but you have to understand that pursuing a male dominated profession is bound to come with some hardships. When I was at college I studied English Literature. The whole class was female besides me and the tutor which got awkward at times (especially since I did my book presentation on Portnoy's Complaint by Philip Roth ).
As for anxiety, I suffered with Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder for four years. Let me tell you something very important about how anxiety works: running away never helps. In fact, it makes anxiety worse because your mind starts to fabricate a complex "what if" scenario around any given situation. This acts like a prison for your mind.
Read this: https://www.therapytoday.com/dont-be-fooled-by-the-anxiety-trick/
Anyway, good luck in whatever you do. I didn't mean to come across as blunt or harsh, but life isn't like this liberal utopia that the media likes to portray it as these days. It's tough and you need to develop resilience to get by. I personally detest the kind of men that seem to be on your course, and if I was there I'd tell them to cut it out. Good ol' fashioned gallantry, eh.
).As for anxiety, I suffered with Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder for four years. Let me tell you something very important about how anxiety works: running away never helps. In fact, it makes anxiety worse because your mind starts to fabricate a complex "what if" scenario around any given situation. This acts like a prison for your mind.
Read this: https://www.therapytoday.com/dont-be-fooled-by-the-anxiety-trick/
Anyway, good luck in whatever you do. I didn't mean to come across as blunt or harsh, but life isn't like this liberal utopia that the media likes to portray it as these days. It's tough and you need to develop resilience to get by. I personally detest the kind of men that seem to be on your course, and if I was there I'd tell them to cut it out. Good ol' fashioned gallantry, eh.
Thank you for your answers, that article is really interesting and I will re-read it in a moment as it is definitely applicable to my situation. I'm very grateful.
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