Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

Please advice? No judging?

Me and my boyfriend just had a baby and I found porn on his phone and that he’s been searching models and random girls and it bothers me because I feel so ugly right now after just having a baby and I don’t know what to do I feel like he’s not interested in me anymore he doesn’t touch me or check me out? I haven't talked to him cause I’m hurt and I’m not good with telling people my feelings

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

It's normal for men to watch porm cah they're like dat inni but if u dont like it tell him ygm and hopefully he'll bun that ting bmt I kno how it feels stillll

Reply 2

DrawTheLine

Original post by Anonymous

You are going to have to communicate how you're feeling if you want to resolve this issue. If you're close enough with him to have a kid, then you should be able to express yourself to him. It's normal for people, men or women, to look at porn etc. Especially after birth, because sex isn't happening. Sexual needs don't just stop when a baby is born. He could be giving you space for your body to recover. You would be annoyed at him for constantly touching you or making sexual advances when you're trying to recover after giving birth, so he could just be respecting your body and allowing you to get back to normal. Him looking at porn and models could just be his way of getting sexual pleasure whilst waiting for you to recover enough to have sex again.

Or it could be something more sinister. Nobody knows except him. You need to sit him down and say "We need to talk about something. I saw that you've been watching porn and looking up models on your phone, and it's making me feel self-conscious. I feel like you aren't interested in me anymore since we had the baby, and I'm worried about this." Then give him time to express his feelings over it, and hopefully you can work out a solution that works for the both of you.

This won't go away or get better unless you sit down with him and communicate about it. I don't particularly like talking in-depth about my feelings, but when I have an issue with my boyfriend, I just have to grit my teeth and say what I feel so he understands and we can work through it. I do cry most of the time when I talk about things like that, but that's just because I'm sensitive and have annoyingly over-active tear ducts. It makes our relationship so much easier when we freely talk about what's bugging us, instead of bottling it up.

If you keep it bottled up and to yourself, you'll just keep speculating. Every time you see him on his phone, or leave the room etc you'll begin thinking "omg he's looking at other women. What if he's going to meet up with one? He hasn't looked at me sexually in days, am I attractive? I'm not back in my pre-baby body this must mean he thinks I'm ugly" etc, etc, etc. And that'll just spiral and won't get better, until eventually you crack and accuse him of all sorts of things when it could be as innocent as him respecting that your body has been through something traumatic, basically, and isn't wanting to overwhelm you with sexual things.

Good luck, and I hope you do talk to him about it so it can get resolved.