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Depression Society MkII
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I felt okay for one and a half days. Now I feel like ****. 
Elements, I got most of your text, but not all of it. Hopefully the rest will come through shortly. I need a new phone.
Elements, I got most of your text, but not all of it. Hopefully the rest will come through shortly. I need a new phone.
As soon as it comes to 11pm the depression hits me. Not that it's gone in the day, just at that time it overwhelms me and I break down. Then Im up til this time, avoiding sleep, "tryna look for happiness" on the internet, when it's late enough I think...yeah I've got nowhere but it's REALLY late I need to sleep.
Wake up...sigh...turn off all my alarms and think "I've got to get up or Ill oversleep" lately I never do get up and sleep for 1 or 2 more hours, missing loads of things, meetings with friends and lectures.
Sometimes I do get up and force myself to do all the usual routine stuff, usually rushing because I didn't get up at the right time and I'll end up being late.
Other times even tho Im late I really don't care and do things extra slowly because I really really can't be bothered with anything and think "who gives a ****? Better late than never...at least I'm going" which is totally not me at all because I usually think I can't be late for anything, or even on time, I usually like to be early and even when Im running late I still end up early :P
No matter what happens, Ill have to snap out of it this holiday because I can't afford to fail this year. Gosh... I don't know what I'm going to do when I've graduated...I really can't live at home...but my mum has said to be a few times that we'll move house when Ive graduated and I really don't care if it's to another country or whereever it is, before when she suggested it I was in 6th form and I thought I can't change school and Illmiss my friends but after graduating I wont have any of that and I don't get to see my friends already so I really won't miss them any more than I do now being further from them.
Whenever Im on holiday they are all working or just too preoccupied with other things to be able to see me and they apologize loads but it doesn't compensate for anything esp when it's ALL the time.
Even the girl I used to call my best friend RARELY ever contacts me and then when I finally meet her she says all this stuff..like she'll stay in contact, and when Im back at uni, I message her and everything and I never ever get a reply.
But even though I'm very depressed at uni, Im happier here than at home, everything I need is here...freedom, shops in close proximity, music rooms (coz I love music more than anything else) even though I can't go into a career in that, I don't really feel I can practice at home. I don't like my home town, it used to be nice years ago...not anymore.
And after I graduate I'm going to have to get a job....:s :s :s and I won't get one and if I do, I won't like it because I've realised I don't like this job and to do what I want I'll have to do a Masters
And I don't really have money for that...! And...
Why is it that I have to be so obviously depressed (Im bi-polar and Im either very obviously happy or very obviously sad but people usually used to always see the happy side so now letting them see the sad side too, it scares and worries them) that they say "what's wrong?"
Now if there ever was a trigger or thing to make things MUCH worse it would be that. If I'm down unless Im suicidally depressed, I don't really wanna talk about things and then people get more annoyed if I don't tell them but I'm a very introverted person and I don't trust everyone with my business.
Esp the girl that asked me today who I know from years ago...the only person I knew before uni (back in primary school) but our parents still talk and if I tell her and she tells her mum her mum will talk to my mum about it and even tho my mum knows I really don't want this going any further than her.
Maybe one day I won't have all these rubbish problems.
But I know I really don't want to stay in this job forever, it's not me and I don't know what the **** I'm gunna do. I know people say u can do other degrees and all that but as much as I like getting hang out with friends at uni, students generally piss me off being all lovey-dovey and talking about things I don't think should be discussed in public and drinking and doing and engaging in all sorts of things I don't agree with, playing very loud music at anti-social times etc. I can't live at uni for another 3 years, I've had enough as it is and although I could have much worse housemates...I hate living with housemates, esp people I don't know and that don't know me and I don't connect with.
So I really wanna just finish my degree and get a job but Im gunna either be jobless due to lack of experience, recession, or hate the job or waste time and money trying to do something else.
So whatever way I look at it, the future just isn't bright for me, I see no happiness in the next 10 years.People say that this is the best time of ur life...it's definitely the worse of mine so far, they also say that once uv graduated its the best time coz ur earning money but it certainly won't be.
And even if I was in a job I like...Id have social problems coz generally people want me to do things with them that I'm not into...like go clubbing or "go to the pub for a drink" which is totally alien to me and just NOT my thing. And even aside from that, I'm gay and everyone else is straight so they'd be (as women do) gossiping about who's dating or sleeping with who (which I really don't want to know or agree with and want to have to hear coz promiscuity disgusts me), and I'd not be able to relate/not care/not wanna hear about that and just smile and say yeah or nod whilst trying to escape at the nearest opportunity and hence...
alienating myself even more. So it's a very lonely, depressing life ahead...
and I'm lonely and depressed now, tho lonely in a different way.
But if in the future I'm lonely in terms of friends AND lonely in terms of still never having dated anyone...well then death will be a very appealing option.
Wake up...sigh...turn off all my alarms and think "I've got to get up or Ill oversleep" lately I never do get up and sleep for 1 or 2 more hours, missing loads of things, meetings with friends and lectures.
Sometimes I do get up and force myself to do all the usual routine stuff, usually rushing because I didn't get up at the right time and I'll end up being late.
Other times even tho Im late I really don't care and do things extra slowly because I really really can't be bothered with anything and think "who gives a ****? Better late than never...at least I'm going" which is totally not me at all because I usually think I can't be late for anything, or even on time, I usually like to be early and even when Im running late I still end up early :P
No matter what happens, Ill have to snap out of it this holiday because I can't afford to fail this year. Gosh... I don't know what I'm going to do when I've graduated...I really can't live at home...but my mum has said to be a few times that we'll move house when Ive graduated and I really don't care if it's to another country or whereever it is, before when she suggested it I was in 6th form and I thought I can't change school and Illmiss my friends but after graduating I wont have any of that and I don't get to see my friends already so I really won't miss them any more than I do now being further from them.
Whenever Im on holiday they are all working or just too preoccupied with other things to be able to see me and they apologize loads but it doesn't compensate for anything esp when it's ALL the time.
Even the girl I used to call my best friend RARELY ever contacts me and then when I finally meet her she says all this stuff..like she'll stay in contact, and when Im back at uni, I message her and everything and I never ever get a reply.
But even though I'm very depressed at uni, Im happier here than at home, everything I need is here...freedom, shops in close proximity, music rooms (coz I love music more than anything else) even though I can't go into a career in that, I don't really feel I can practice at home. I don't like my home town, it used to be nice years ago...not anymore.
And after I graduate I'm going to have to get a job....:s :s :s and I won't get one and if I do, I won't like it because I've realised I don't like this job and to do what I want I'll have to do a Masters
And I don't really have money for that...! And...Why is it that I have to be so obviously depressed (Im bi-polar and Im either very obviously happy or very obviously sad but people usually used to always see the happy side so now letting them see the sad side too, it scares and worries them) that they say "what's wrong?"
Now if there ever was a trigger or thing to make things MUCH worse it would be that. If I'm down unless Im suicidally depressed, I don't really wanna talk about things and then people get more annoyed if I don't tell them but I'm a very introverted person and I don't trust everyone with my business.
Esp the girl that asked me today who I know from years ago...the only person I knew before uni (back in primary school) but our parents still talk and if I tell her and she tells her mum her mum will talk to my mum about it and even tho my mum knows I really don't want this going any further than her.
Maybe one day I won't have all these rubbish problems.
But I know I really don't want to stay in this job forever, it's not me and I don't know what the **** I'm gunna do. I know people say u can do other degrees and all that but as much as I like getting hang out with friends at uni, students generally piss me off being all lovey-dovey and talking about things I don't think should be discussed in public and drinking and doing and engaging in all sorts of things I don't agree with, playing very loud music at anti-social times etc. I can't live at uni for another 3 years, I've had enough as it is and although I could have much worse housemates...I hate living with housemates, esp people I don't know and that don't know me and I don't connect with.
So I really wanna just finish my degree and get a job but Im gunna either be jobless due to lack of experience, recession, or hate the job or waste time and money trying to do something else.
So whatever way I look at it, the future just isn't bright for me, I see no happiness in the next 10 years.People say that this is the best time of ur life...it's definitely the worse of mine so far, they also say that once uv graduated its the best time coz ur earning money but it certainly won't be.
And even if I was in a job I like...Id have social problems coz generally people want me to do things with them that I'm not into...like go clubbing or "go to the pub for a drink" which is totally alien to me and just NOT my thing. And even aside from that, I'm gay and everyone else is straight so they'd be (as women do) gossiping about who's dating or sleeping with who (which I really don't want to know or agree with and want to have to hear coz promiscuity disgusts me), and I'd not be able to relate/not care/not wanna hear about that and just smile and say yeah or nod whilst trying to escape at the nearest opportunity and hence...
alienating myself even more. So it's a very lonely, depressing life ahead...
and I'm lonely and depressed now, tho lonely in a different way.
But if in the future I'm lonely in terms of friends AND lonely in terms of still never having dated anyone...well then death will be a very appealing option.
wow, that's a lot of stuff.
would 'try to think more positively' be about the worst thing I could say right now? I'm assuming the answer to that will be yes, but knocking yourself down before you've even started really isn't going to help.
as always, I'd say take it one day at a time. try to find something in each day that you're happy with; a nice lunch, or finding something you like in a charity shop, doing a bit of work, having a nice phone call with your mum, whatever.
would 'try to think more positively' be about the worst thing I could say right now? I'm assuming the answer to that will be yes, but knocking yourself down before you've even started really isn't going to help.
as always, I'd say take it one day at a time. try to find something in each day that you're happy with; a nice lunch, or finding something you like in a charity shop, doing a bit of work, having a nice phone call with your mum, whatever.
Hi guys,
How's it going?
I feel strange.It's my 18th on friday and i have nothing planned.I don't know why but I feel really upset about this birthday.Usually every year I'm really looking forward to it but I just feel...numb... The only thing I'm looking forward to is the fact that I'm no longer going to be seeing my patronising adolescent psychiatrist but someone else.Woo.
How's it going?
I feel strange.It's my 18th on friday and i have nothing planned.I don't know why but I feel really upset about this birthday.Usually every year I'm really looking forward to it but I just feel...numb... The only thing I'm looking forward to is the fact that I'm no longer going to be seeing my patronising adolescent psychiatrist but someone else.Woo.
BruceTaylor
Oh it is, I've been diagnosed and medicated to the gills. Almost locked up in a mental unit
What do you mean by this?
Tufts
What do you mean by this?
A few weeks ago, I was almost kept in a mental unit for my own safety when my suicidal feelings started to get out of control. It scared the hell out of me...
Just popping in to say hi. Been thinking of everyone lots.
BruceTaylor, I'm glad you didn't have to go into the unit. I was in one for 10 months and they're not nice.
BruceTaylor, I'm glad you didn't have to go into the unit. I was in one for 10 months and they're not nice.
BruceTaylor
A few weeks ago, I was almost kept in a mental unit for my own safety when my suicidal feelings started to get out of control. It scared the hell out of me...
What happened to make them want to put you in a mental unit? Did you try to end your life?
BruceTaylor
A few weeks ago, I was almost kept in a mental unit for my own safety when my suicidal feelings started to get out of control. It scared the hell out of me...
This sort of happened to me a few weeks ago too...Well, I took an overdose and got rushed to hospital, and the doctor who saw me said he had to consider whether to admit me to hospital for a while for my own safety, then the psychiatric team was called in, and they had to talk to the doctor, me, and parents. I had a say in it though and we all decided I would be "okay", luckily.
Is there any reason why your depression is flaring up again?
Tufts
What happened to make them want to put you in a mental unit? Did you try to end your life?
Numerous times^Oops, just saw your post that says you don't know why/it's random, sorry!
BruceTaylor Numerous times
Numerous timesWhat method?
Tufts
What method?
Overdose in December, tried to drown myself in january, come close to hanging myself numerous times since.
BruceTaylor
Overdose in December, tried to drown myself in january, come close to hanging myself numerous times since.
But you didn't succeed and we are forever grateful!
QuantumTheory
But you didn't succeed and we are forever grateful!
Can't say I concur with the sentiment, to be honest
BruceTaylor
Can't say I concur with the sentiment, to be honest
Well then it's a ******* good thing some of us do
BruceTaylor
Overdose in December, tried to drown myself in january, come close to hanging myself numerous times since.
How do you drown yourself?
Tufts
How do you drown yourself?
I would say 'It's easy', but I would suggest Bruce putting this in a PM if he wants to, as opposed to giving directions to an already depressed thread
Tufts
How do you drown yourself?
Throw yourself into the river. Or at least come achingly close to doing it. Some ****** spotted me so I couldn't.
I've been ok for the past couple of days, been too busy to think really. Thank god for end of semester deadlines, i'm just dreading the exams now. I've been cutting a little bit again, I don't even know why, its just a sudden urge but i'm getting frustrated with it. I get angry if I don't actually cut the skin properly like not deep enough, makes me feel useless for some reason. Argh, why can't I just be normal :[
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