Being told that I don't come over as very self-confident.

I'm trying to get my head around something that used to happen to me when I went for job interviews after graduating. Several times I would go for an interview, have what seemed to me to be pleasant enough discussion with the interviewers, and then get rejected. When I asked for a reason they would often say that I didn't come over as very self-confident. One employer also said that I was "too pleasant", and refused to expand on that.

It was frustrating because I never felt particularly nervous in interviews and just felt as if I was talking to the interviewer in a respectful manner. If they had had the confidence themselves to say that I didn't seem self-confident then I could have put on a bit of bluster and maybe worked out how they wanted me to come over. But I only ever found out afterwards. It left me going into subsequent interviews wondering how exactly I should act.

So I'm really trying to understand that was going on, because I don't accept that I showed a lack of self-confidence. Could it have been that my interviewers themselves were miserable, and resented me for being pleasant and positive? That they would have preferred an employee with the confidence to be misanthropic along with them?

Don't make life complicated for yourself by overthinking. It doesn't matter what you think about your presentation, employers were consistent and they described you as not coming over as very self-confident - so that's what you came over like, no matter what you thought or what you choose to accept. It's their opinion and we all know nowadays that opinion = truth

No-one gives feedback during an interview, that's not fair on other candidates and where does it stop? But if you think you could have turned it on and become more confident of warned about it in interview, they you can surely do it from the start in future interviews.

Thought you might be interested in a discussion I had with ChatGPT on this matter:

"When someone describes another person as lacking self-confidence is that always justified?
No, it is not always justified to describe someone as lacking self-confidence. People's behavior and demeanor can be influenced by a variety of factors, including their personality, mood, and the situation they are in. It is possible that a person who is typically confident may appear to lack self-confidence in certain situations or when they are feeling particularly anxious or stressed.

It's also important to consider that people may have different styles of self-expression. Some people may be naturally more reserved and introverted, while others may be more outgoing and expressive. This can impact how they appear to others and how confident they appear to be.

Furthermore, the way that someone presents themselves externally may not always reflect their internal experience. A person may seem confident on the outside, but actually be struggling with self-doubt or insecurity. Conversely, a person may appear timid or uncertain, but feel confident and capable internally.

Therefore, it is important to avoid making assumptions about someone's level of self-confidence based solely on their external behavior. Instead, it may be more helpful to ask them how they are feeling, or to observe their behavior over time to gain a more accurate understanding of their personality and self-expression.

Is a thoughtful person likely to appear lacking in self-confidence to a less thoughtful person?
It's possible that a thoughtful person may appear to be lacking in self-confidence to a less thoughtful person, as their behaviors and communication styles may differ. A thoughtful person may take more time to consider their words and actions, and may appear more reserved or hesitant in situations where a less thoughtful person might act more quickly and confidently. The less thoughtful person may perceive the thoughtful person's hesitance as a lack of confidence, when in reality it is simply a reflection of their thoughtful nature.

Additionally, a thoughtful person may prioritize listening and considering others' perspectives over asserting their own opinions, which can also be misinterpreted as a lack of confidence. They may be less likely to engage in argumentative or aggressive behavior, which can be perceived as signs of confidence by some people.

However, it's important to note that thoughtfulness and self-confidence are not mutually exclusive traits. A person can be thoughtful and also be confident in their abilities and decisions. In fact, being thoughtful can often lead to increased confidence, as it allows a person to consider multiple perspectives and make more informed decisions.

In summary, a thoughtful person may appear to lack self-confidence to a less thoughtful person due to differences in communication and behavior styles, but thoughtfulness and self-confidence are not mutually exclusive traits.

Is acting quickly and confidently correlated with good decision making?
Acting quickly and confidently is not always correlated with good decision making. While being decisive and taking action can be important in certain situations, making good decisions also involves considering all the available information, evaluating the potential risks and benefits of each option, and weighing the potential consequences.

In fact, acting too quickly and confidently can sometimes lead to poor decision making. When people act impulsively or without fully considering the consequences of their actions, they may overlook important details or make hasty decisions that do not reflect their best interests. Similarly, overconfidence can lead people to underestimate risks or overestimate their abilities, leading to poor decision making and negative outcomes.

On the other hand, taking time to gather information and consider options can lead to better decision making. This allows people to evaluate all the available information and weigh the pros and cons of different choices. Additionally, being open to feedback and considering multiple perspectives can also improve decision making.

In summary, acting quickly and confidently can be beneficial in certain situations, but it is not always correlated with good decision making. Making good decisions requires careful consideration and evaluation of all available information, as well as a willingness to adjust one's thinking in response to new information or feedback.