I'm doing GCSE Edexel english language, can anyone mark this? :)

This is for GCSE english creative writing (9-1), what grade do you think It would get, and any advice?

I watched the girl walk out, a look of sadness on her face, tearstains on her cheeks and hollowness in her eyes. I had seen that same face so many times before, and yet each time it was different. Everyone dealt with it differently, but it always breaks down into five categories. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The whole office went silent as one of the senior officers approached me and handed over a small letter.

She can’t be gone. Please don’t let her be gone. It can't be real. It can't be true. It must have been a mistake. I hear these words every day. It’s part of my job, but it feels different when they’re rapid-fire thoughts running through my head, each one like a punch in the gut. When it’s them there is logic and reason, when it’s you it’s desperation and pain. Not pain like getting stitches in the hospital or needing a plaster- pain like a deadly gunshot or a knife to the gut, only worse because this kind of pain you live with your whole life. You don’t get to die after 10 hours, or eventually stop the bleeding. It's there, it's always there and it won't go away. “Let me see her!” I screamed out. “Let me talk to Ashley!” I yelled at them again, as they didn’t seem to understand. “Shes dead,” a woman said to me in a soft voice. “Shes not coming back.”

This can’t be happening. My colleagues are right there, trying to console me, just as I did with a girl only hours ago, but I don’t really hear what they’re saying. It's muffled by the burning rage, and gut-wrenching desperation. I lash out at them, as a woman tries to put a hand on my shoulder, I start screaming as a guard tries to pick me up to take me from the building. It won’t go away. Who let this happen? Who let her get hurt? Who destroyed my life? Was it them? Did they let this happen? “What have you done!” I screamed at anyone who was listening. She didn’t deserve this.

It should have been me. I was the one who signed up for this, I was trained for this, I chose this. She didn’t. She was a civilian. An innocent woman. Nothing was supposed to happen to her. Not Ashley. “Take me instead!” I screamed, “Take me instead, not her! She didn’t deserve to die! I deserve to die! Take me instead!” “Take me instead,” I repeated quietly as I was overcome by silent tears streaming down my face. “Bring her back,” I sobbed quietly as any anger or energy that was ever there left my body.

I was tired, so tired. I could barely even bring myself to open my mouth to speak. Even if I did, I doubt words would come out. I lived the next few months in that very same state. It was more of a ghostly half-life. I sluggishly moved through my routines- get up, get dressed, go to work, go home, go to bed, but I was barely holding on. Dishes were stacking up, I had barely spoken in months and my limbs and joints felt heavy, as if gravity had doubled in strength. My girlfriend's case had long been closed- apparently resolved as ‘gang violence’ but I couldn’t bring myself to read the report. Even mention of her name still makes me flinch. How can people go through this? How do people manage this for the rest of their lives? I’m drowning after mere months.

I quit my job last week. Couldn’t cope with the worried looks, and the concerned stares. People dropping her name in silent whispers when they think I can’t hear. I will never be the same person, but now I get a fresh start. New job, new people, new career, I guess. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pick up a gun again, but I think I’m okay with that. I know she would have wanted me to move on. I hear her in my head sometimes, whispering in my ear, or sometimes just keeping me company. I will never love again, but at least now I've met the new me. I guess you could call it acceptance.

Reply 1

zws

this is good! but I do have a few bits of quick feedback (+ for a bit of context, I did English at a-level and gcse) im not a teacher/examiner so obviously I cant give a grade but I can give you some feedback if you want. im assuming the prompt is about loss/emotion.

quite soon into reading I can see that your tense keeps changing. I dont know if that's intentional or not but its still a bit confusing and prevents me as a reader from getting immersed in your writing (eg I watched the girl walk out, which switches to it always breaks down switches to The whole office went silent) stick to 1 tense, either past or present, as much as you're able to.

I like the use of short sentences in paragraph 2 + 4, it really helps make the tone very frantic and emotional. I also like the 5paragraph structure and how that ties in to the 5 stages of grief (although the last line is a bit on the nose compared to the other paragraphs).

also, I know edexcel give marks for SPAG (spelling, punctuation & grammar), and its easy marks so make sure your SPAG is perfect so you dont lose those. there were a couple of punctuation errors in here so make sure you leave time at the end to double check and proofread.

hope that helps and good luck for your exam xx

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I'm doing GCSE Edexel english language, can anyone mark this? :)

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