waiting for your thoughts

should parents decide everything for you? where should you go, who should you be friends with or whom should you love? probably not, how to let them understand that you are becoming independent and have the right to decide things for yourself

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Original post by Maryglov

God no.

All in all, you're responsible for your own life. Whatever decisions you make, it's on you, not your parents.

It doesn't necessarily mean (because a lot of the times they can be, since we're all human) your parents are wrong, they don't have your interest at heart, or that their advice is redundant, it just means that they shouldn't control everything you do. This has several consequences according to the psychological literature I have read:

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It takes away your development to become a full grown adult

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You end up relying on them more, even into old age

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You lose some sense of your own identity as well as your sense of boundaries (important for development)

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It removes you ability to voice your own opinions and form your own judgements

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You end up resenting them

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You can propagate the same ideas and problems onto the next generation, where relevant - irrespective of whether it's good or bad

Whilst not all parents domineer their kids soley to protect them (I don't think they should irrespective of the rationale), a lot of the times the decisions can be down to fulfilling their sense of ego and entitlement in my experience i.e. what they want for you isn't about what's best for you or what you want, but more so to appease their own ego, their own needs, and how other people see them. In this perspective, they see you more like property than an actual person (i.e. modern slavery in a sense). I consider this disgusting on so many levels, but the cultural practice and expectations still exist.
On the other hand, I have seen how by violating certain social expectations (irrespective of whether it's legal or not) can mean you would be ousted from certain social groups. Some families can then cut off ties with the person or even end up killing them because of the "shame" this brings to the family name, disrespecting the peers, or for disobedience. Whether the sense of belonging or meeting certain norms mean anything to you is another issue.

I can provide a list of pros and cons for each of the questions above (from my perspective), but what applies would depend on the individual scenario and you can't always generalise these things.

should parents decide everything for you?
Pro: they might have more experience, knowledge.
This is applicable especially if you're not of age and the responsibility for parenting is on their shoulders
Con: it removes your development to make your own decisions, learn from your own mistakes, understand the situation from your own perspective

where you should go?
Pro: if the place you want to go requires specific fees, and they are funding everything for you (because you can't fund things yourself or through the government) then possibly. It would also depend on whether you can get there yourself, and you require their assistance to travel to place regularly, then it's a factor.
Con: you can end up not being happy about the place as well as regretting the choices that you ended up with. Again, you won't have the opportunity to make you own decisions, etc.

who should you be friends with?
Pro: networking is a big thing for work, opportunties, who you associate with. In some sense, it's a way of securing future opportunities.
You can even be surprised to find someone who you normally woudn't befriend is the sort of person you end up liking.
They also might be more experienced and accurate judges of character than you are right now, so in a way it could keep you away from "bad influences" (however you define them).
Con: the friendship may very well not be genuine i.e. it's really all superficial. Fake relationships can do more harm than genuine ones. Sometimes the friendships are really based on what the other person can give you, which is not a good way of building relationships because once those factors are removed, the relationship is redundant/pointless. These relationships can also bear a lot of friction because the kids can feel like it's an obligation than something they actually want.
If you want to develop actual skills for relationships and friendships, you would want them with genuine people and those connections to be genuine. A genuine relationship would probably mean more to you than a fake one, despite the perks.
They can be wrong about who is actually a "bad influence" if you're not able to judge for yourself.
Just because they don't like your friend, doesn't necessarily mean the friend is a bad person or you shouldn't be friends with.

whom should you love? - this is going to be a big one
Pro: they may have more experience with people and can see what certain people are like more than you do.
The other sort of reason they might want this is because they want to find someone who they know you can have a future with.
They might want someone they could stand to be around as whoever you date or have relationships with they have to put up with - less drama
Con: this isn't the dark ages where you marry people off based on the parent's preferences - people have rights
Who they want or think is best for you might very well not be i.e. you have preferences. For one, the criteria they have is usually superficial and does not take account of the relationship dynamics that you might have with the person.
Love is not one of those things where you caqn obligate it to happen. It's generally not dependent on race, religion, social status, money, etc. but more so on personality and biology (although I have seen cases where relationships and marriages do break up due to differing values, not enough money, staus issues, etc.). They say attraction isn't a choice and love is blind, and there's usually strong evidence for that.
You may very well not like the person they chose for you, and you could end up having more drama in your life than if you picked someone you actually liked. Do note that life is short, but regrets can be very long lasting. The window for finding the person you want can also be small; spending your life with someone you don't want or can't see a future with is going to hurt like crazy. It's not something you should put up with, not that you shouldn't work out relationship problems properly and try to stick at it where possible.
If you're genuinely attracted to a particular gender of people contrary to what person your parents present to you, then I would be safe to say it's clearly a violation of your rights, especially if you're based in a country where it's legal for you to have nonheterosexual relationships.

Should marital or relationships be arranged by parents at all? Is it better than the alternative where we see evidence of people stacking up double digit body counts, perpetual singledom, toxic relationships, fragmented families, very very bad relationship mistakes, developmental psychological issues amongst kids of the next generation, involuntary childlessness, ridiculously unrealistic and high expectations, etc.? I can't answer that, but I don't think where your parents decide on everything and robs you of your life and human rights is the answer either.

I particularly hate it when there's a family member (can equially be a friend or colleague) who decides your relationship or partner is toxic and tries everything they can to break you up, especially when you have a minor spat that's normal and inconsequential in the relationship. This can be due to the fact the person doesn't fit their paradigm; they themselves don't get along with the person (but you do); they end up seeing you as a "lesser" person; they had experienced similar problems/"trauma" with their past relationships with similar persons and try to resolve their problems through you; they want the person themselves and if they can't have the person you can't either; etc.
I am not saying they are always wrong and that's never the case. Sometimes it's true that the person you're dating can be toxic (or you're the one that's toxic) or there is a bad fit, but it's generally not the case. Whether this is would depend on the individual situation.
Personally, I would consult someone with a healthy mindset and a long history of healthy relationships who can be unbiased (and ideally professional) than someone who has very skewed views and motivated to ruin the relationship.

how to let them understand that you are becoming independent and have the right to decide things for yourself
I don't have experience in such a situation, but usually I would start off the conversation with "I appreciate that you're trying to..... I have thought through everything that you told me, but this is something I really want and it's something that I need to do for myself. I would like you to support me in my decision if you can". If they want to talk about it, you can bring up the pros and cons mentioned previously. (This assumes that they actually have your best interest at heart and is willing to back off, and you can be sure that they are not the sort of people who would end up threatening your life.)
If it's a situation where they are controlling you due to ulterior motives, then I don't have an easy answer for this. In some cases they can disown you, put your life in danger, create a lot of drama, or make your life really miserable. In some instances, you might have to bring the law into it, but that's if things do get to that extreme.
If you're in danger, then I would prioritise making yourself safe and speak to the police before you worry about anything else (hopefully it would never come to this).

Personally, I would rather you get a second opinion for this from a professional before you do anything else.

Reply 2

Maryglov

thank you, your words are right, as you said need try to explain them with right words, but you know hard to find that correct words when they think that they are always right, and only their opinios are right.. hope you got it

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Original post by Maryglov

Oh boy, narcisstic parents. You're going to have a handful.
I'd be surprised if you don't have mental issues from their parenting.

I would still use similar wording as above. Then again, I would recommend you get a second opinion as opposed to just relying on what I have said, especially if you are from a culture where your life can be in danger or be thrown out of the house just from disagreeing with your parents.